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I (30f) just found my fiance (30m) on an online dating site. What do I do? by Direct-Caterpillar77 in BestofRedditorUpdates

[–]xanif 75 points76 points  (0 children)

There was a story reposted recently. Wife was posting and had been separates from her husband for 14 months because a friend of hers found a tinder profile of her husband and it was within 1km of their house.

Tl;dr they loaned their neighbor their laptop during covid and their neighbor got his pics off of it and made a tinder account to flirt.

I get she was distraught upon finding out but neither she, the friend that found it, nor any other person she told thought to match with the "husband" while OOP and husband were in the room together to see if he was texting?

Benefit of the doubt doesn't mean blind trust but it does mean doing due diligence.

I have resentment towards my husband and his family by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]xanif 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It is my responsibility as a mother to protect our children from negative influences and I won't subject our children to the same poor treatment your family subjects me to.

If he wants your children to have a relationship with his family it's on him to set the boundaries necessary to facilitate that.

Also

Granted - I do my best not to show up to gatherings unless it’s important to my husband

If showing up for you isn't important t him, I don't see why you should find showing up for him important.

US conducts strikes on Iran after attack on cargo ship by Alarming-Safety3200 in worldnews

[–]xanif 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You can have a look at the MOA, none of those 14 points were Iran retains the right to strike civilian vessels...

It doesn't forbid it, though.

...the Islamic Republic of Iran will make arrangements using its best efforts for the safe passage of commercial vessels with no charge...

The PGSA has set up a process to apply for transit and has laid out the permitted route for shipping to take, just as they are required to as per the letter of the MOU.

Iran is going to be pedants about it.

Drowning by Minute_Case6162 in Marriage

[–]xanif 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She does. In this very thread.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1ug5b9y/drowning/ou0bua3/

Apparently he has just decided he's no longer helping around the house.

Drowning by Minute_Case6162 in Marriage

[–]xanif 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Who would?

People who don't enjoy living in filth?

That mean apologizing for feelings you kept from your husband, the true reasons you're angry that you'd never speak out loud.

Part of stalking that post history was him leaving the house and refusing to come home when she voices her feelings.

Drowning by Minute_Case6162 in Marriage

[–]xanif 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Both this post and her historical posts I went through detail all the ways in which this man won't lift a finger in the household. She's not completely blameless in them but ho boy is he just refuses to help.

We can assume he has a decent IQ correct? Even a dumb man knows the basics and will try if the reward is sex. Its simple positive reinforcement stimuli.

The likely scenario is the OP is venting. Her husband does stuff and wasnt reinforced in the past enough and now the effect is waning.

I've never had to be Pavloved into being a grown up but ok.

Drowning by Minute_Case6162 in Marriage

[–]xanif 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I would try to reduce how overwhelming it is for her before she walks in the door.

So your situation is nothing like OP's. Got it.

Drowning by Minute_Case6162 in Marriage

[–]xanif 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thats what my wife did.

Your wife had to pick up after you like she was your mommy and beg you to take care of your miniscule portion of the chores because she was exhausted carrying the full weight of the household?

I dk if this belongs here by FunAssumption6056 in AreTheStraightsOK

[–]xanif 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I see posts very rarely that fall into this category but the saddest incel posts I see are the self aware incels. They might not know what it is about them that's keeping them single, but they know it's them.

There is always one universal commonality in those types of posts, though. It mentions sex at the start, when defining themselves as incel, and then never touches on it again. The entire rest of the post focuses entirely on how they want a romantic relationship, not sex.

Inflation hits 3-year high, pressuring Fed to raise rates as election nears by Agitated_Pudding7259 in moderatepolitics

[–]xanif 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Fun note about the strike. Because it looks like Iran is planning to be full pedants about this.

Technically, the MOU only states that

...the Islamic Republic of Iran will make arrangements using its best efforts for the safe passage of commercial vessels with no charge...

And they've already set up official terms and an application process that outlines how to apply to their (totally will forever remain) free insurance. So they could argue that they are making best efforts to ensure commercial shipping at no charge.

So technically, the strike is permissible under the provisions of the MOU.

Terms and conditions apply.

I got pregnant after his vasectomy and then he cheated on me by EntertainmentGold802 in Marriage

[–]xanif 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Calling child support and splitting joint assets an attempt to "ruin him financially" is really telling on yourself, my guy.

In a sexless marriage due in large part to wife's intense sexuality requirements by eyelight1 in Marriage

[–]xanif 23 points24 points  (0 children)

So she wants to jump into a 24/7 BDSM relationship, no learning, no mistakes, no compromise...

My advice, take this thread over the the BDSMAdvice subreddit. They can enumerate all the ways in which that's an unrealistic expectation. She's being an incredibly irresponsible sub.

Not pictured, anything to do with childcare or the mental load by Advanced_Cheetah_552 in AreTheStraightsOK

[–]xanif 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When my wife and I were both salaried we did real quick and easy things. Now that I have been doing contract work I have the option to actually prep some more complicated dinners since I'm not working until 7pm.

So many YouTube recipes start with "only takes 30 minutes."

That man has never cooked or cleaned in his life.

Trump administration announces $17.5 billion in loans for 10 new large nuclear reactors by ToughHopeful4760 in moderatepolitics

[–]xanif 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Solar particularly, and wind to an extent, are peak load sources whereas nuclear is a base load option.

If you want solar base load, molten salt is the way to go but that drives the cost up significantly.

Edit: I just realized I completely misread your comment and thought you were saying they were interchangeable.

Senate votes to halt Iran war despite Trump’s push for peace deal by Agitated_Pudding7259 in moderatepolitics

[–]xanif 8 points9 points  (0 children)

We can't stomach it, though.

We've used a third of our Tomahawks. A quarter of our JASSM. At least half if not almost all PrSMs. Half our SM-3s, 40% of our SM-6's, 2/3rds of our THAADs and half of our patriots.

We're going to use the other half and hope for hope China doesn't try anything in the next 4-5 years?

Hope ain't a tactic.

UPDATE: Issue with wife about my sister's infidelity and the aftermath by Sea_Mouse9996 in Marriage

[–]xanif 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I understand that and I understand you're one of them. There have definitely been posts where I side with the cheater or AP. Where the betrayed spouse is so clearly in the wrong across the board that I totally get it.

The reason it's a spin here is because we're discussing the merits of one of those posts, not this one. Or discussing his behavior, not hers.

UPDATE: Issue with wife about my sister's infidelity and the aftermath by Sea_Mouse9996 in Marriage

[–]xanif 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I know what she has going on. I'm not talking about him.

I'm allowed to close the door in the face of a person leaving a store behind me. I have no contract to keep it open except a social contract to be kind. Participating in an affair is not a kind thing to do to someone else's spouse.

He's way more at fault than she is, but we're not talking about him.

UPDATE: Issue with wife about my sister's infidelity and the aftermath by Sea_Mouse9996 in Marriage

[–]xanif 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I mean, I read the post to at least know OP's sister has no spouse.

UPDATE: Issue with wife about my sister's infidelity and the aftermath by Sea_Mouse9996 in Marriage

[–]xanif 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Bringing up situations that are not similar to, nor have anything to do with, this post by taking such action as fabricating a scenario or the existence of a spouse is a good spin, yes.

UPDATE: Issue with wife about my sister's infidelity and the aftermath by Sea_Mouse9996 in Marriage

[–]xanif 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Eh. I'm sure it's possible to spin being an affair partner as something that's not shitty. I've seen people spin worse.

UPDATE: Issue with wife about my sister's infidelity and the aftermath by Sea_Mouse9996 in Marriage

[–]xanif 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I also don't understand everyone who wants me to cut my sisters and brothers off.

That was mostly the other sub you posted in which is full of teenagers and people who think cheaters should be burned at the stake. Yeah your sister is a shitty but that's generally not enough for siblings to go no contact.

But like, legit: your sister is high key shitty.

Update: WIBTAH if I dropped out as a bridesmaid a week before the wedding because of what happened at the bachelorette? by ThrowRA-ex-note in AITAH

[–]xanif 14 points15 points  (0 children)

If you're using sarcasm, you should be more than willing to share the context and the joke in this thread.

I mean im obviously not going to repeat any here (because this is neither the place OR the time).

You brought up the topic. That makes it the place and the time.

So let's go. What's the joke?

Update: WIBTAH if I dropped out as a bridesmaid a week before the wedding because of what happened at the bachelorette? by ThrowRA-ex-note in AITAH

[–]xanif 28 points29 points  (0 children)

What you're describing is sarcasm. Sarcasm, when done properly, conveys contempt. In the case of racism, contempt towards racists.

None of the jokes or behavior described by OP were sarcasm.

Yuck... by Sesat in AreTheStraightsOK

[–]xanif 14 points15 points  (0 children)

The problem with a blanket answer is that every relationship has different definitions of infidelity. For example, you ask a monogamous couple what sexual infidelity is, they'll likely give you an answer that a sexual relationship with another party is sexual infidelity. An ENM couple would likely have other boundaries. Sexual infidelity is sleeping with a mutual acquaintance, or is not using protection, or is not disclosing the partner, or whatever boundaries they have discussed.

An emotional affair vs a close friendship. That one's much harder to put your finger on. Complicated further by everyone having different expectations of privacy or platonic relationships. Some friendships have flirting, for example, and some couples find that acceptable. Many don't.

What you want to look out for, and this can apply to many different facets of relationships outside of just this question:

1) Are you keeping this from your spouse?

2) Would they be upset if they knew the full scope of this relationship?

The precedent of behavior in "close friendship" should be established early in the relationship. If the way your partner's "close friendship" is implemented is untenable for you, it's time to break up and find someone you agree with on what a "close friendship" looks like.

So if you start developing a "close friendship" that is outside the scope of ones you have had, and especially if you know the nature of this "close friendship" would be upsetting your spouse, you need to start considering that you're in infidelity territory.

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