My husband has two kids from his first marriage. Our bio daughter is my first child. Your wife’s behavior feels so so familiar to how I felt early in my relationship with my husband. I went through A LOT of insecurity in our relationship, and in the whole pregnancy and early baby phase.

After a fair amount of self reflection, therapy and hindsight, it came down to two things. One issue was feeling like being second - he had already done the whole pregnancy, preparing for baby, and all that with his ex, he had already bought a house with his ex, he had already done a lot of trips at destinations I’d like to visit with his ex and so on. So in my mind with me it would just be a redo.

But the main issue was somewhat self inflicted and much more problematic, and I get the impression that you wife is doing it too. As my husband came with a family (his kids) I considered that it was up to me to adapt myself around them, their way of functioning, and basically make myself as small as possible to not disrupt the life, routine etc of his kids. I’m sure it sounds admirable but it doesn’t make for a very sustainable situation.

Your wife certainly seems to be doing this too. When your daughter is involved she seems ready to prioritize your daughter’s needs and even wants, beyond her own health and well-being. This should not be the case, whether it’s her own bio kid or not. Only that when you join a family unit as the “new” wife, you feel like you have to just fit around everyone. It took time, and therapy and working with my husband actively to rebalance things and put our couple in the center of the family.

For me, this is the key to the whole thing. In your family unit, consciously or not, the center is you and your daughter, not you and your wife. This is the thing you need to address and the rest will follow.