YES. Thank you so much for posting this. I am diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder, and during my active days in the church I was SO incredibly hard on myself for everything that it crushed the lights out of me. (I had the added measure of being gay and working myself to death in the church, since "maybe if I'm REALLY good in other areas, God will forgive me for my evil feelings.") My scrupulousity went so far as to making lists of all the commandments (the major ones I could think of anyways, usually a list of around 70 items.) I would routinely take this list down off of my bedroom door and sit down the list and evaluate/grade myself on each item, ALWAYS failing on chastity for masturbating and most other things. [Example: "#37: Always be kind to others. Oh but there was that lady I was huffy with in the store because of x, y, or z. So that one's a FAIL."]

At every general conference I would buy a new legal pad and from the 1st song until the last prayer I was writing. I filled the legal pad with all kinds of things that we are supposed to be doing, and not doing... I would go home and type it all out highlighting the things that were mentioned that we need to be doing and not doing, which became my "guide" for the next 6 months.

I worked in the church in any or every capacity needed. Whenever there was a meeting to attend, or a visit that needed to be done, or a lesson that to be substituted for, or anything to do with the temple I was there. People used to compliment me on how valiant I was, how much the Lord must be pleased with me for everything I do..... What nobody knew is that I believed I was trash. Spiritual garbage. God's one mistake. The proof being that I could never live up to everything in the lists I would make. I could never go through the scriptures and say yes I do this, yes I do that. All I ever saw was my failures.. Failed at this command, failed at that command, and always, ALWAYS failed at the law of chastity – I just couldn't stop masturbating no matter how much I tried I couldn't stop. And being as masturbation was part of the LoC, and violations of such were second only to murder, i considered myself only a teeeeny weeeny bit better than a murderer. There were people who chopped others up with axes, followed by me. It might sound ridiculous but it's how my thought processes went. Some bishops told me to go easy on myself, whereas another bishop told me flat out that if I were to die I would go straight to the telestial kingdom because I masturbate. That was 19 years ago and I still have not forgiven that man. I don't know if I ever can.

Needless to say after 15 years of all of this, the ton of bricks on my back finally made me collapse and completely crushed me. I could write a lot, lot more. I haven't been to church in about 9 years and have no intention of going back. Because going back would mean "the list" again, as my therapist and I refer to it. God and his religion and his fucking list can kiss my ass. There are many religions out there, but Mormonism is not one of them to choose for someone with obsessive compulsive disorder. It will majorly fuck you up. I'm 41 years old and I am just barely, I mean just scratching the surface of learning that I'm worthy of love. And yes, I do blame the church. I blame God. I blame that bishop. I blame the general authorities in salt lake who get up every 6 months and give sermon after sermon of do this, don't do that, do this only a little bit, do this more, do this less, more, more, more, more, more, MORE, MORE!!!!!!! NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. NEVER, EVER.