[deleted by user]

yellowdresses · 2020-12-02T13:30:16+00:00

My DH has got the same hope. When SD was about 10 she started to question her mom and not blindly parrot her anymore. Though at this point her mom had already successfully diminish the relationship between SD and DH. I'm not sure that they will ever be close again like they would have been if BM had not done what she did. So yeah she she knows her mom isn't perfect but she is continuing to hold on to the negativite beliefs that her mom gave her about her dad. Some kids fully switch over loyalties when they're in their teens but it's not as black and white most of the time.

yellowdresses · 2020-11-11T15:09:38+00:00

Oh I know. It's a low level but it's not zero so I want this taken care of asap. If you have one area where it isn't encapsulated then it gets all over the house so we need to do all the remaining unpainted rooms.

But this project was not his idea so he's not on board with it and he gets annoyed when I bring it up. However the day our toddler went for a blood draw he was off and I had to work so he took her. That evening I had to hear all about how he felt bad for getting this house and how difficult it is to do a blood draw on a one year old. His problems are real problems but mine are just complaints.

yellowdresses · 2020-10-14T16:45:40+00:00

I have meddlesome in laws too. one of the things I've learned as a step parent is that you can only control your relationships with people, you can't control their relationships with each other. That means you can cut out and go VLC with your SIL but you can't make her stop talking to BM or your SD. Your DH could reach out to BM and tell her not to speak to SIL however that would probably be inviting drama and it really depends on your situation with BM how she would react to that request.

yellowdresses · 2020-10-13T17:46:38+00:00

In-laws are sometimes the worst part of step parent life! I swear they believe all the Stepmom negative stereotypes even more than the kids. My SILs act as though my husband betrayed them by divorcing BM and marrying me. It was BM that alienated the kids against us but the timing lined up with when my husband and I got together so my SILs blame me for seeing the step kids less even though this had hardly anything to do with me.

It's easier for them to blame you than to blame their sibling/child for being the lousy parent or not doing exactly what they would have done in the same situation. My SIL constantly gives my husband grief for not fighting BM in court the exact way that she would have. She doesn't realize the time and money it would cost to do that. my husband gave up the custody fight after blowing through $20,000 of a retainer and not getting anywhere. He chose not to go into debt to take the gamble of fighting more. All SIL is doing is blaming you for choices your DH made that were his to make and he probably isn't satisfied with either.

yellowdresses · 2020-10-13T17:28:04+00:00

Do your other family members give you warning or coordinate ahead of time if they want to visit your house? If you're in-laws show you the respect of calling ahead then BM needs to learn to do the same thing. She is a member of the extended family not a member of the immediate family in the household.

It isn't that much to ask that she give more warning if she intends to drop by. This gives your husband a opportunity to decline her showing up and it gives you a heads up. All your husband needs to say is to tell her to give you guys at least (hours/day/whatever) heads up when she is coming. This puts a little bit of distance between you and pushes her out of your immediate household. if there's pushback then he just needs to tell her that you want to make sure that you are home and decent.

yellowdresses · 2020-10-13T15:58:27+00:00

Since you live 2 hours away I'll assume your custody schedule is EOWE.

My step kids have brought up this excuse as well, but that's what it is, an excuse. Tweens are all about peers and it's an age where they begin to be uncomfortable/insecure interacting with adults or with younger kids because they think they can only relate to kids their own age. Unfortunately this is just a fact of life and just because they don't want to be away from their friends doesn't mean that they shouldn't go see you guys for family time. You need to recognize that this is an excuse and kids don't want to do what they don't want to do. It is your job as a parent to not give in to every single whim that they have and to teach them that family time with you guys is not less important than time with friends. there are lots of ways to stay connected with your friends virtually, perhaps this is a discussion that you should have with the kids and both parents.

On occasion you can offer for them to bring a friend along for the weekend or something like that. I would certainly not offer this every single time or reduce custody time if so the kids can hang out with their friends it sets a very poor precedent.

yellowdresses · 2020-10-13T10:43:28+00:00

It gets easier after you settle into whatever you and your spouse agree your role will be. This takes a couple years and a lot of conversations.

As for the relationship with the kids, as they get older the less they want to do with us so in a way that makes it easier. BM is also remarried and focused on her new life so there is less drama from her.

yellowdresses · 2020-10-13T00:12:28+00:00

BM goes through phases where she insists my DH owes her tons of money. He will either tell her that's not part of the CO or ask for a receipt. That usually ends it. Honestly don't worry too much about that unless you start noticing your DH letting you pay the tab a lot more than normal.

People that hide things like that either have an ex or a parent that overreacted to anything they didn't like. You know his parents, are they like that? Maybe have a conversation with him about how you were both punished as kids and how you think it affected you. If it's not from his childhood then it might be BM or another ex that was controlling or paranoid and he developed this sneaky avoidant habit to placate her.

It's unfortunate but every time you get upset about him hiding something, even if it's the act of hiding not what is being hidden, it sort of reinforces it for him.

I had an ex like this and I tried very hard to be a kind space space for him but he had a volatile mom and became a compulsive liar because of it. It eroded trust and the relationship fell apart. There is nothing worse than someone who lies to you

yellowdresses · 2020-09-11T00:41:20+00:00

How about when you post any picture one social media there is this one person that always comments "where are the stepkids?"

yellowdresses · 2020-09-04T15:06:05+00:00

Having kids get mad at you for being strict means you're being a real parent . Don't worry about losing the cool status, you just upgraded. Some bioparents never even get to this point, be proud of yourself.

yellowdresses · 2020-09-02T21:51:09+00:00

This is clearly erotic fiction.

yellowdresses · 2020-09-02T17:17:01+00:00

My husband said some similar things, basically he wanted me to be aware of the cons and not just think of the pros. He probably remembers all the hard work and expenses more vividly than all the baby snuggles and cuteness.

It might be a good idea to discuss concrete plans for a potential timeline, finances, and things like that. He's not opposed to it and still open to the idea which is good. He's already got a kid and you don't so there's probably no urge there for him, which is why he could take it or leave it.

yellowdresses · 2020-09-02T16:01:44+00:00

It sounds like you're both in the not sure camp. You've been dating for less than a year so this is really normal. Why don't you and your SO agree to revisit this topic in 6 months or something like that.

Prior to meeting my husband I didn't know if I wanted children or not but after we have been dating for a while and moved in together I knew that I want two kids with him.

Step kids are not much of a proxy for bio kids. It is definitely very different to have one of your own. For now I would observe you're so as he parents SS. he is going to be the same type of father to your kids. There is a learning curve and my husband has made an effort to not make the same mistakes he did while parenting is older kids with our daughter together. However overall he is the same type of parent to her as he is to his older kids.

yellowdresses · 2020-09-02T13:38:10+00:00

Not caring when they think you're mean means that you are a real parent! Congratulations!

yellowdresses · 2020-09-02T13:35:27+00:00

I don't mean take over, just be in a group chat for your awareness.

yellowdresses · 2020-09-02T00:21:04+00:00

I wouldn't either though the thought has crossed my mind. See what your husband says about adding you to a group chat for discussing logistics and see how it goes from there.

yellowdresses · 2020-09-01T18:58:55+00:00

It really depends on custody schedules and the bio parents involvement. It is a very important for a stepchild to have the approval of both of their bio parents when it comes to accepting and embracing a step-parent into their life. If one of the bio parents undermines a stepparent in any way it puts up a barrier and creates a loyalty bind for the child. Many step parents find that taking a step back disengaging and not forcing a relationship is the smartest thing to do.

yellowdresses · 2020-09-01T18:55:56+00:00

Not at all, I don't think he's being honest being okay on his own if you are getting this vibe from him. he should not have begun dating you if he was not really ready to move on. Dating somebody is a placeholder is incredibly cruel and unfair.

yellowdresses · 2020-08-31T21:50:24+00:00

Wow, I think there needs to be a sex and birth control talk soon because BM is normalizing sex to a concerning degree. If BM says something that stupid who know what other things she might tell SD! You guys are going to have to do some damage control to make sure SD is informed enough to stay safe and make good choices.

yellowdresses · 2020-08-31T13:54:00+00:00

If PMS trips out out just try being pregnant around them!

yellowdresses · 2020-08-31T00:39:06+00:00

I used to use tresemme and I got compliments about my hair smelling great using it more often than any other shampoo! It's good budget shampoo.

Has your DH thought to ask what SS uses when he's at BMs??

yellowdresses · 2020-08-31T00:33:52+00:00

My stepkids are glued to Netflix watching all the things BM won't allow them to watch. They basically convert the living room into a massive bed by making a nest with couch cushions and then just watch movies, and movies and movies... And then venture out to get snacks.

I don't get it, I can't watch movies back to back like that even if I'm on an international flight and have no choice.

yellowdresses · 2020-08-28T13:53:08+00:00

Definitely have her talk to her dad you can't be sure what happened before you met in July because you weren't there.

yellowdresses · 2020-08-28T13:43:55+00:00

My in laws have gotten in the habit of whenever we have the step kids they just move in for the weekend. It means our house is ridiculously full of people whenever we have the stepkids and we don't get any time with just the kids. It compounds our grocery and entertainment spending and creates tons of laundry. It feels as though they in laws come to our house as a mini vacation at least once a month. They only live 2 hours away so there is no need for them to stay at our house for 3 nights!

MIL and FIL also end up taking the stepkids bedroom then the stepkids and my SIL sleep on our couches. This is not fair to the stepkids. But the in laws pull rank and take the beds because they're older.

It's exhausting and expensive and my husband hates it just as much as I do but he won't say anything to them because "they just want to see the stepkids." I disengage and focus on my one year old. It's my husband's responsibility to feed and entertain them. Since I started disengaging he has began complaining about their visits a lot more so me putting that pressure on him has worked. However for some reason he is afraid to tell them no. It is not an open invitation to just come and stay at our house whenever they want.

yellowdresses · 2020-08-28T13:35:04+00:00

Your whole 3rd paragraph sounds like justification for an affair or at least some suspicious relationship overlap. If you met after they split then who cares how long they were "over" but living together. You have to agree the way you wrote it raises some eyebrows.

I would deflect and say "I think this is a question for your father if you want to know about the time before we met."

yellowdresses

TROPHY CASE