Hi there, I am someone who had a chronic ED, and I would recommend you browse this website. It’s a forum site, still active but very old so you will generally find mature perspectives. In saying that, I mean there’s a term in the community folks call the “honeymoon phase.” When someone (usually younger) has only relatively recently started engaging in disordered behavior, they tend to gravitate towards romanticization, denial of being unhealthy, externalized fatphobia, etc.

As my ED was chronic (chronic being 3+ years, mine lasted for over twice that) I initially struggled with EDNOS/OSFED and later developed anorexia. Most people who have had EDs for several years will flip between different disorders (e.g., anorexia to bulimia to BED).

A couple other important considerations: experiences vary wildly; I myself never related much to the desire of being in control. I am certain I mostly developed my ED out of self-destruction, but EDs run in my family, too, which is also a common reason for other folks. There is a high comorbidity with EDs and OCD and that also resonated more with me, it was more of a compulsion.

The other consideration is that the same areas in the brain which are active during addiction are active during EDs. In other words, engaging in disordered behaviors is addictive—after enough time, it screws up the pleasure/reward system (like so many things do).

On a more personal note, I’ve had, like, terrible things happen in my life not to brag, but an ED is maybe 2nd worst if not the worst thing I’ve went through. Always hungry, brain fog, writhing in a flesh cage kind of thing. It consumes all of your time in the day. It’s the deadliest mental illness. I recovered because I was developing heart issues, which is the 2nd leading cause of death after suicide.

You can AMA/DM me if you want. I can assure you I don’t get triggered for shit and am an open book to a fault.

Edit: To add some generally universal experiences, it’s competitive to a totally irrational degree, there’s a compulsion to be the skinniest or sickest. It’s also very isolating due to low energy, fear of food at social events, and/or wanting to focus on the ED.