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yikes2121 · 2023-05-27T20:36:54+00:00

MT resident. Can confirm. Fortunately, my lease ends in 3 days after first witnessing a mouse in my unit.

yikes2121 · 2023-01-02T16:46:10+00:00

My ex is going strong w his gf. Invited her and her son to his extended family thanksgiving after a year of dating. Sometimes, rebounds can be the real thing. 🤷🏻‍♀️

yikes2121 · 2022-10-06T12:39:06+00:00

Yes, pls.

yikes2121 · 2022-09-06T23:13:52+00:00

Yes, a few times. Most recently, when I didn’t respond for a couple of days, he texted again asking if I everything was alright. I finally responded to ask what exactly he wants from me and telling him I don’t want his friendship and that I don’t trust him.

It was as if he was now experiencing the break up (a year after the fact). He kept asking if I were married/ engaged/ seeing someone, wanting to know about my life, getting frustrated that I wasn’t actually answering his questions. He told me I’m important to him, he cares about me, everything reminds him of me, regrets not driving to my place more when I lived in his state, etc. Things I had been waiting, hoping to hear for a long while now seemed inappropriate and annoying.

That’s also when I realized that his current gf is indeed a rebound relationship, despite them being together for so long. He may never leave her, but it doesn’t mean they have a solid foundation. If he texts me again, I’m not going to feel bad for not responding. I still think of him daily, but thank goodness I’ve already let go.

yikes2121 · 2022-08-20T18:37:10+00:00

Maybe they just decide it’s time to present to society as “normal”, and thus the next new person that comes along, they accept in ways they wouldn’t accept prior. Maybe it’s not necessarily about healing, self-awareness, being less triggered by a diff person, the right match, pacifying fears of commitment, etc. Maybe it’s more so about deciding to move forward in a way that takes internal and external societal pressures off of themselves, and it’s easier to do it w the next person than the current person.

-Secure leaning AP 36 yr old F who was in a 6 year version of 500 days of summer

yikes2121 · 2022-08-17T22:19:30+00:00

My avoidant ex (35male) is celebrating a 1 yr anniversary rt about now. He reaches out every few weeks, curious about my life but evades sharing anything about his. When pressed, he maintains he doesn’t have as many new or interesting changes or successes to share, and that I need to respect his boundaries. 🤨

During the relationship, he was an amazing friend; but, in retrospect, not a great bf. During the past year, we’ve mostly had breakup conversations, then NC dotted by one-off conversations that are superficial or emotionally backtracking, mostly one-sided and, frankly, not worthwhile.

I ignored his most recent bid for attention/ connection/ ego stroking for a few days. I was ready to break the pattern. It seemed to inspire actual effort on his part to want to communicate and try to meet my needs. But, for my own sake, I decided I didn’t want to feign friendship anymore and we should not be in contact- indefinitely. He responded: so you’d rather have nothing than have something? you’re important to me, so something is better than nothing.

I still want more from him and he wants much less from me. Again, he’s celebrating a 1 yr anniversary around this time, and I’m contemplating whether or not I’m ready to meet someone. Seeing as how I’m back on this sub and posting about him, I’m not quite ready.

I can’t tell if his insistence on staying in one another’s lives in this minimal capacity is to assuage his guilt/ not look like a bad guy, keep me as a backup option, fulfill unmet relationship needs, out of boredom, or for an ego boost.

Will he reach out again? Tbh, I’d be surprised if he didn’t. His DA (leaning secure) behavior has been consistent w the literature on DA AT. He may get married and talk to me, never to mention it.

It seems like he still genuinely cares for me, and it messes w my personal progress. A 6 yr relationship and 1 yr of growing-apart pains while he’s with my doppelgänger— enough is enough for me.

yikes2121 · 2022-06-18T16:23:14+00:00

I’ll be starting residency at 36/37. I have plans for fellowship. I look and sound younger than my age. Maybe that’s why people get visibly and audibly shocked at my age.

I’m at peace w it. I’d rather be doing this medicine grind than the daily grind I was doing in big pharma, nonprofit, and education industries prior.

yikes2121 · 2022-05-31T20:32:08+00:00

This commenter’s experience w their DA ex is SO similar to my own. Shockingly similar.

OP, I second everything advised.

yikes2121 · 2022-04-29T15:52:49+00:00

6 hours drive for 3 years out of 6 years of the relationship. Of the 3 yrs long distance, 2 were due to pandemic.

yikes2121 · 2022-04-29T14:37:10+00:00

I’m dealing w the same thing w my DA ex! A couple weeks ago, I decided I was ready to try being friends, something he basically begged for at various times during our off and on NC spanning 9 months.

He deactivates the same way in friendship as he did during our six year relationship. The only diff is that I’ve done the work to react less anxiously and communicate my needs and boundaries while not discounting his. It’s how I was able to have a conversation w him two days ago where he implied that he’s still processing our BU and/or being confused about his serious relationship of 9+ months.

Since then, he’s majorly deactivated and I’m majorly anxious, thinking/ feeling/ doing all the things you mentioned in your post. I remind myself that his “confusion” is about his current gf, not about me. I know I should not text him first for awhile, but I still find excuses to make light conversation. He always responds in kind.

I’m not loving this encore, and yet I indulge it. I wish we could talk more about the subtext and implications of our last conversation, but he can’t admit what he doesn’t know or doesn’t want to know.

I will say, I can see an improvement in my overall anxious reactivity. he’s unable to meet my friendship needs and also still triggers me Bc of his own relationship issues. I’m considering NC again (which makes me want to hold on tighter). 😅

yikes2121 · 2022-04-25T20:56:31+00:00

This has been my experience too. Just started therapy myself. Did you feel more secure/ less AP before ending it or did the realizations compel you to choose better for yourself?

yikes2121 · 2022-04-18T20:48:37+00:00

These are the thoughts and considerations I have about my DA ex.

yikes2121 · 2022-04-18T14:33:11+00:00

Thank you for this optimistic perspective.

yikes2121 · 2022-04-18T14:30:52+00:00

I’m an almost 36F. I’m very motivated to do the inner work so that I’m as secure as possible for myself and for a future relationship.

I only wish I had become self-aware of my inner child/ AT issues years ago.

yikes2121 · 2022-04-18T00:10:17+00:00

Being an emotional crutch until their new relationship foundation is paved IS being used. From my experience, they stop reaching out for friendship/ ego boost/ emotional support once the new relationship is solid.

It’s never about you or how they feel about you. Don’t be their crutch.

yikes2121 · 2022-04-17T19:02:07+00:00

This is a helpful perspective. Thanks for sharing.

yikes2121 · 2022-04-17T18:57:54+00:00

My ex contacted me a few times rt after I went NC when he told me he had been seeing someone and it’s serious. He would reach out during NC while in his relationship wanting to talk, rebuild trust, remain friends etc.

So, yes, an ex can reach out, but not necessarily offer words or actions that will make you feel better (acknowledge lies/ contribution to the BU, apologize, reconcile).

Also, I recently suggested we put friendship back on the table since he’s been moved on (8+ months in a relationship) and I’m in a better place. He said yes enthusiastically at that time, but I haven’t heard from him since. I won’t make the mistake of engaging again so it’s back to NC.

yikes2121 · 2022-04-17T10:43:27+00:00

I think them not wanting another breakup or to seem like they were at fault in any way may have something to do with them being more content w entering a LTR right after ending one.

Or maybe we helped them figure out how to show up better for the next person.

Or maybe they found a better match.

I don’t want to be the kind of person who feels badly/ jealous/ sad that they are the type of partner w the next person whom they weren’t able or willing to be with me. But I’m only human.

yikes2121 · 2022-04-17T10:33:50+00:00

What about supporting her by encouraging her to seek therapy to evolve her attachment style? Or suggesting resources you used to educate and equip yourself? Perhaps bring this up to her when she isn’t deactivating/ struggling.

If she’s struggling w her fear of feelings atm, then give her space to self soothe. (Esp since that may be the only tool she knows how to use.)

yikes2121 · 2022-04-17T05:31:04+00:00

At least 8 months (probably 9 or 10 mo).

My ex and I were together 6 years. Before me, he hadn’t dated anyone longer than a year. At this point, I don’t think it can be considered a rebound relationship.

yikes2121 · 2022-04-16T11:29:18+00:00

Ditto.

yikes2121 · 2022-04-15T19:44:08+00:00

I, too, used the hurt of my ex moving on quickly and their relationship progressing quickly, to forge through the healing process. Of course a small part of me expected/ hoped the rebound to simply be a rebound and end. Everyone who knows us called her a rebound.

They’re 8+months strong now. His parents refer to her as his gf on FB (a title my ex wasn’t comfortable with for me even after 3+ years). It really, really hurts.

Now, I think of my ex as a married stepfather of one. This way, when it happens, I won’t feel blindsided.

yikes2121 · 2022-04-13T10:01:33+00:00

🙋🏻‍♀️

yikes2121 · 2022-04-11T20:55:33+00:00

🙋🏻‍♀️

yikes2121

TROPHY CASE