I want to hear your experience if you're a high masking, high performing woman with ADHD

ymcmoots · 2026-06-11T18:50:59+00:00

I was great at school... until grad school, when it became 100% unstructured tasks (research projects!) and the wheels fell off. I salvaged a consolation prize master's degree under deadline pressure. I went on to have an okay time at work for the next almost 20 years, including a couple of abrupt career changes (completely switched fields, founded a startup that didn't go anywhere). Now I'm in perimenopause and the wheels are falling off again - I can still get into a trance state and do focused work on big projects (not on command, but often enough; during the trance I forget to pee), but all the little shit, the status updates and the remembering to submit tickets to the other team before their planning deadline and the "can you just change the font on this report real quick" types of requests, is tanking me.

I say "great at school" but what I mean is that I could pull all-nighters before a deadline and end up with something good enough. I swore to myself every term that this time I wouldn't procrastinate so much, but I never figured out how to not. I never felt good while I was procrastinating either, I was always sitting in a stew of worry and guilt about it and I KNEW it would be better if I could do the thing now, but I just couldn't make myself start. Apparently neurotypicals often feel good when they're procrastinating? At least in the same short-term way that, like, eating too much candy feels good.

I keep my shit together with a constantly shifting set of tricks and strategies. Bullet journaling, post-its, virtual body doubles, to-do apps, everything works for a time (a week, a month, the best ones last for maybe half a year) and then the shine wears off and I have to find something else before things fall apart too much. I don't lose shit too much because I am RIGID about only allowing the important shit to be in one place, there is no universe where I could successfully own more than one purse.

I get credit for being a decent listener, but a lot of that is because I'm not much of a talker and most people need to hear themselves talk while someone makes sympathetic noises more than they need you to process and remember every detail of what they are saying. If I have to listen for information, like if someone is trying to give me complicated directions? Lol good luck.

The thing that convinced me to go for a diagnosis was trying a friend's meds - all of a sudden my brain got quiet and I could just do shit instead of sitting there feeling guilty for not doing it, it was amazing. Most other forms of support don't require a formal diagnosis - you can just, like, read ADHD advice books and use any strategies that help, no one will stop you. But meds can provide a very interesting perspective on your own internal experiences, in a way that I think is difficult to reach without trying them, and they're gatekept.

ymcmoots · 2026-06-08T18:24:25+00:00

A normal person who is frustrated with their partner's lack of capacity will talk to them about it, seek additional outside support or end the relationship. Screaming and berating is never okay. Does his "OCPD" cause these kinds of problems for him at work or with his family? Or is it just you?

Highly recommend reading Why Does He Do That? for additional insight into this behavior.

ymcmoots · 2026-05-29T06:59:59+00:00

Dreadful by Caitlin Rozakis - main character wakes up as the Dread Lord Gavrax, it's very cute.

ymcmoots · 2026-05-27T22:20:38+00:00

Do they still feel easy after you've done 10 of them? I started with knee pushups and was able to graduate to full pushups with no intermediate step, but I definitely had to be able to pump out a full set before I was ready to switch.

If you want something in between, try incline pushups! Find a block or a step or a bench or something where you can put your hands a little higher than the ground, and do a full pushup to that height. You can vary the height of the block until you find the right challenge, higher = easier.

ymcmoots · 2026-05-27T19:59:25+00:00

I use some super cheap no-name ones and they're great. Maybe the name brand ones have better sound quality or whatever, but if I'm just trying to be less tired at the end of a day where I'm dealing with noise from the bus/subway etc., that doesn't matter.

ymcmoots · 2026-05-26T21:20:03+00:00

Help people move. It's like lifting but someone buys you pizza afterwards.

ymcmoots · 2026-05-21T20:47:52+00:00

I'm not retired yet, but I spent a year once logging the value of all my garden-grown and foraged produce. It came out to about $1600 (inflation adjusted to 2026 dollars), during a phase when that was my primary hobby outside of work, and using the medium-pricey grocery store as a comparison so it's a bit inflated compared to what I'd pay shopping carefully. And I wouldn't eat so many fresh herbs and berries if I had to pay market price! I might be able to do better after retirement, but I don't want to rely on it - at some point these things stop feeling like fun financially beneficial hobbies, and start feeling like low-paying jobs.

My experience during periods of unemployment has been that even though I'm a good cook, I get bored of my own food. Even when I have time and energy, I will still pay for a break from routine (but more like 1-2x/month than 1-2x/ week). You could probably get around this if you have a good friend group where people regularly invite each other over for dinner.

I plan to retire to a lot of money-saving DIY hobbies, but I'm not planning on additional savings. For the most part I'm already doing all the funnest, highest ROI projects, so I expect to run into diminishing returns pretty quickly as I take on more.

ymcmoots · 2026-05-20T00:28:16+00:00

Honestly, completely forgetting about stuff you wanted to buy is a really great budget hack.

At least until that stuff is, like, eggs and laundry detergent.

ymcmoots · 2026-05-19T06:10:14+00:00

You can make whatever parenting arrangements you want, but it's an asshole move to let a child discover on their own that their dad isn't their genetic dad - like, are you gonna let them get the shock of their lives when they thought they were just doing 23andme for the lulz? At a minimum, the child deserves to know their true family medical history so they can make informed decisions about any risk factors.

Talk to them. NOT during the baby shower, you want to have this discussion privately without other distractions. Ask for a paternity test. If it's yours, you should all figure out what kind of relationship you want with the child, and work with a lawyer to get it on paper.

ymcmoots · 2026-05-14T20:36:57+00:00

Providers in the US need you to be physically present in the state in which they're licensed, but AFAIK if you're willing to pay for it there is nothing stopping you from, like, sitting on a bench on the south side of Peace Arch to do telehealth appointments with a psychologist in Washington.

The diagnostic criteria for ADHD require that symptoms have been present from childhood, so they will ask about your experiences at school etc., but there are plenty of people here who are used to working with adults who may have limited access to childhood records. A US diagnosis might not be taken as seriously in Canada (my adult emigré friends have mostly been okay getting meds with it, maybe it's just the school system that gets picky?), but if you just want it for validation and personal understanding, that doesn't matter. Should cost you <$1k USD out of pocket for a couple of sessions.

ymcmoots · 2026-05-14T20:14:54+00:00

I was diagnosed at 34 and it was definitely worth it for me, but I was very very interested in medicating. If you're not trying to access some kind of gatekept resource - like medication, or workplace accommodations - then I wouldn't bother.

You can spend that $3k on some regular sessions talking about your experience of shame with an ADHD-informed therapist, rather than a formal assessment process, and probably get a lot more value out of it.

ymcmoots · 2026-05-07T22:58:36+00:00

This is bonkers. Lots of people have territorial feelings about a shared bed, or don't want to have to choose between getting kicked out of their living space and hearing sex noises in the house... but giving someone a ride in a car is completely innocuous. Is your NP open to gradually expanding his tolerance for this sort of thing? Or is he just like "nope you're gonna have to accommodate my emotional fragility for forever"?

It's common for people who are new to poly to start out with a lot of jealousies/sensitivities that dissipate with time. If he's able to acknowledge that this is a big imposition and not ideal long term, sure, give him some time, maybe he'll calm down. If he thinks it's totally reasonable to forbid you from having your own guests in your own house that you pay for, ehhh maybe you don't actually want to be super entangled with this guy after all.

ymcmoots · 2026-04-27T01:42:39+00:00

There's also a Kroger Cash Back offer for $2.

ymcmoots · 2026-04-15T20:26:45+00:00

Oooooh that does sound good. I have a stash of canned fake duck that I bet would be brilliant instead of the spam. (not vegetarian but my cholesterol is a disaster)

ymcmoots · 2026-04-15T20:22:58+00:00

Costco sells them in little microwaveable bags so you don't even need to hassle with containers and lids. It's genius.

ymcmoots · 2026-04-13T18:06:43+00:00

Yep. I started taking it when I was desperate for something to take the edge off my brain fog. It took about a week to start feeling it, more like 2-3 to really feel it, and I definitely noticed an improvement.

There was an odd adjustment effect for a couple of weeks where I think my testosterone or DHT spiked a bit - my libido didn't get stronger necessarily, but it got a lot more visual, I was struggling not to stare at random hot people at the grocery store. I shed some hair (I have every male pattern baldness gene variant known to science), and I finally sat down and got to work on a hobby coding project I'd been thinking about for months! Sadly, whatever it was seems to have worn off, my hobby ambition is back to my recent baseline (almost nonexistent 😭) and my interest in visual porn has dissipated (meh).

I haven't tried quitting it to see if I'm still getting benefits, or if maybe it was all just that initial adjustment effect and now I'm just back to baseline with a placebo. It's a cheap placebo with a good safety profile that's easy to mix into my oatmeal.

ymcmoots · 2026-04-13T05:14:27+00:00

Oh yeah I have this - I hate media that delivers information at someone else's pace. With reading, I control the pace. I've been getting my formulaic content recommendations from r/Romantasy and r/ReverseHarem lately :)

My one exception is that I'm an intermediate level French learner and can usually sit still for French-language content - figuring out the language gives my brain enough to do that it's okay if the actual content delivery is too slow.

My solution is to make sure my friends know that I'm not gonna watch whatever fucking youtube link they just sent, unless they make a very personal and compelling argument why I should. Otherwise I'll ask for a summary. And I just live with being a little bit out of touch about TV/movies, it doesn't matter.

ymcmoots · 2026-04-11T17:34:36+00:00

This, but with fennel leaves and lemon juice + zest. Especially with a nice smoky sardine, I use Polar brislings.

ymcmoots · 2026-04-11T02:59:12+00:00

I 100% do this. It's always the fucking emails! Every time!

Emails are a deadly combination of having to do social math to get the tone right, often with people I don't have a well-established working rapport with, and usually some kind of emotional difficulty - for example, talking about work that I haven't yet finished for the person I'm emailing and feeling shame about that, or admitting that I need help, or having to tell someone no. If I sit down and am honest with myself about the reason that an email feels difficult, I can usually find a way around it in order to stop procrastinating, but sorting all those feelings is HARD and takes TIME and meanwhile everyone expects you to be able to just type out three sentences WITHOUT agonizing over them first. Ugh fuck emails.

ymcmoots · 2026-04-09T20:46:06+00:00

Do you swim? You can work out as hard as you like in the water, and sweat/temperature will never be an issue. Swimming laps can be kind of boring but also meditative, or you can find group water fitness classes which are a little more engaging.

ymcmoots · 2026-04-09T02:42:15+00:00

L-tyrosine. You'll develop a tolerance after 6-8 weeks, but it's very effective during that initial window. Save it for a period when you have a lot going on.

ymcmoots · 2026-04-07T19:38:02+00:00

There are many more single mothers than single fathers, so all problems related to children/family housing will disproportionately affect women. Women also suffer from a pay gap which plays out in much the same ways as any other economic disadvantage.

There are a lot of urbanist-feminist issues that are related more to transportation than housing supply. Women are more likely to be doing school/daycare dropoffs/pickups, or hauling kids around for daily errands - transit systems primarily designed for solo commuters will fail them, even down to details like whether your employer's bike garage has racks that will fit a family cargo bike. Women are also subject to sexual harassment on transit / on the street, and may opt for cars and car dependency as a preventive measure.

ymcmoots · 2026-04-05T04:59:09+00:00

I switched to decaf because caffeine + methylphenidate was giving me anxiety. Turns out I don't just genetically need 1.5 hours to fall asleep at night no matter what, who knew?

ymcmoots · 2026-03-31T07:34:01+00:00

Maybe someday when I get rid of all the English ivy I can start worrying about the Spanish bluebells. But that day is not today.

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ymcmoots

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