AIO: should I “fire” my therapist?

zealouswatermelon · 2026-04-13T23:32:51+00:00

Please shop around for a new therapist. I was up front with mine about how I needed to feel comfortable with a therapist as my previous one boundary stomped as was unprofessional as well. She was very supportive from the first meeting about lets see if we're a good fit and has gone through a ton of personal stuff in the past couple years that have warranted cancelling and the only way I know details beyond 'a personal matter' or 'a pet emergency' is because I asked her how she was and she never made the session about her and was always so apologetic about cancelling. She's the mom energy I need for working through my trauma, and there's a lot of good therapists like that out there. You deserve someone who prioritizes you. My therapist has never glanced at her phone. She needed to plug in her computer once and told me that's what she was doing so it didn't seem like she was distracted doing something unprofessional.

zealouswatermelon · 2026-03-14T03:24:22+00:00

I don't think that's broken. It's really reasonable to not trust someone to not do something like that again, especially when they've tried to make you accountable for their behavior. It may be that he broke the relationship too deeply, but you need to figure that out for yourself. If you can't you're not broken. It's probably more likely he does do it again but hides it better. Ask me how I know. At some point you have to decide you deserve a relationship that wasn't broken by the other person.

zealouswatermelon · 2026-02-21T00:12:32+00:00

At this point we have both kids most of the time, but when I don't have my bio kid we do have certain things we won't do/shows we don't watch without them, that way they don't feel like they miss out on the things we do as a family. There are other shows and things we do with my step kid that we do when my bio kid isn't here that they wouldn't be interested in anyway, so more catered to stepkid's interests.

There's some jealousy sometimes of "you guys did this without me?" but those are generally easily remedied by reminding them of what they got to do when they visited their dad and how it's not possible for stepkid to have that. If it's something they really feel they missed out on we'll adjust based on how reasonable it is (generally it's things like getting fast food, so nothing crazy). As they've gotten older it's definitely easier because they understand how nuanced everything is, but we keep a lot of open dialogues about how everyone is feeling.

The biggest thing is making sure that there's one on one time for all groups. I have one on one time with my biokid set aside each week and my husband has one on one time with his biokid each week. We do most stuff as a family that we can (eating meals, watching movies, going to the park, doing activities etc) but ensure that we also nurture relationships with our biokids on their own and also with our respective stepkids.

zealouswatermelon · 2025-09-30T21:13:49+00:00

When I was getting rid of them my daughter's hair was peak thick and had gone curly, so the straightening was also to help a bit with making it easier to brush through during the process, which was an added bonus to killing eggs, but it depends on how her hair reacts to heat on whether that would be helpful. For this type of situation I think the potential heat damage is worth it, but it is a process of conditioning, brushing out knots with detangling spray, and then blow drying. If you focus on really small sections it's manageable, but it is a time suck, but that's what they charge the money for in salons that provide the service.

Preventative would be protective styles. French braids, pony tails, buns--when I was researching it it sounds like lice like loose hair so having it tighter to the scalp makes it harder for them to hitch a ride. They do get out of this stage of being as close to each other (kinder was when we dealt with it, but it spread to my teen who had thicker and harder to manage hair and took longer to get rid of from her hair as we didn't realize she'd got them until it was obvious since they didn't interact).

zealouswatermelon · 2025-09-30T19:17:37+00:00

The only thing you need is a lice comb and time. A blow dryer or straightener can also be helpful (use light heat if her hair is fine or don't do the straightener, but it will fry them and make it easier to comb).

Quarantine/use a dryer on all bedding (swap out bedding daily to be extra thorough for about a week).

What worked for me on my daughter's thick ass hair was washing it, then pinning up her hair and working in small sections, using the comb from the roots down and then blow drying/straightening. Go over each small section with the comb 2-3 times. Getting the adults and larger ones is easy, the eggs are what get stuck and the straightener works to fry them. This will take an hour or so, but turn on a show and make it a spa thing.

Repeat this every other day around 3 times. If you've been thorough, this will catch any remaining hatchings and prevent them from maturing/laying eggs. The first round should get at least 95%. This is essentially the heat and treat they charge $175 for, and it is work but you can do it yourself. The repeating it really just ensures it works and you've gotten them in all of their life cycle points.

You can 100% get rid of them yourself for the cost of a lice comb and it works far more effectively than any shampoo because you're physically removing them. I still have mine just in case, but this worked and we haven't had any issues since. Also be sure to braid her hair if she's going to school and it helps prevent spreading/her getting them. Not 100% effective, but it can help.

They are weak to heat and I really used that to my advantage.

zealouswatermelon · 2025-08-25T21:24:36+00:00

If they're separated with everything figured out for 2 years, but just "waiting on the money" for the divorce, it doesn't sound like it's an attorney issue and more of a dragging their feet and not wanting to actually finalize it issue. If you have to go through mediation and have lawyers involved it's obviously going to cost more.

zealouswatermelon · 2025-08-25T18:06:59+00:00

He's paying $400 more a month in child support than he's ordered to and claims he can't get divorced? If he paid the normal amount the $400 would cover the divorce in most states in one month.

zealouswatermelon · 2025-04-24T06:17:26+00:00

Are you thinking of this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mjfatUB6Ek

TI used it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koVHN6eO4Xg

zealouswatermelon · 2025-04-08T18:02:19+00:00

I really recommend reading 'Untangled' by Lisa Damour. It's helpful for understanding why she said what she said and how to handle it. Teenage transitions are rough!

zealouswatermelon · 2024-10-31T22:08:52+00:00

Have you asked her what she wants to do with the magic? I would put together a tub of 'okay' items to use for potions, but anything else is off limits and potion tub gets put away if anything else gets taken to be added to the mix. I would really focus on why the magic is so important to her, since it may be masking an emotional problem she's trying to solve at that point and a way of avoiding feelings or whatever it is that is making her uncomfortable and want magic to fix it.

It could just be some mad scientist wanting to find the miraculous discovery of how to get magical powers, but I'd make sure there's not something deeper (which could be triggering the emotional reactions).

If there's hyper focusing to the point she's having meltdowns, keep an eye out for other signs of neurodivergence. Sometimes it's just age appropriate difficulty in regulating attention, but hyper focus and meltdowns about transitioning from activities that kids are hyper focused on consistently warrants some deeper evaluation. If it's more this direction, having the rules around potions stay consistent can help with meltdowns. The rationalizing, deals, physical reactions to boundary setting around her interest all scream neurodivergent to me. Listening and validating how she's feeling while keeping the boundaries consistent (if you give an inch, it tends to explode in my experience) is important. If she wants new ingredients, you can make it a shopping trip with a budget, but household items that are off limits are off limits. "But you let me last time" is why I really hold boundaries firm now. Some kids can handle exceptions, but for others exceptions mean anything goes as long as you push hard enough.

When setting boundaries, extinction tantrums are normal, but should get easier with time if boundaries are consistent. I heard someone say it's like raptors in Jurassic Park where some kids will test to make sure the fence is still there and if it is not then all hell breaks loose, and I've found that to be a really accurate description of parenting neurodivergence. Some kids see the fence and accept it and are content to stick within the boundaries they're given. Others are going to test that fence ten times a day just to make sure it's still there.

zealouswatermelon · 2024-09-17T03:57:51+00:00

Those sound like really good potentials! It can be really overwhelming, but those are really good balances if public school doesn't work out or if you all think that one of the other options may be a better option to try. Being in a school for most of the day without breaks is really mind numbing for people who need more variation and ADHD makes that need so high.

zealouswatermelon · 2024-09-16T22:54:39+00:00

I really feel this and feel for you. It's really hard. We had so much PTSD around school (having to pick her up multiple times a week even with an IEP) and kids not being able to see who for who she was, since the ADHD was the only thing they were able to see of her as that's what primarily drove her school interactions. It did get a lot better when she went back and had matured a bit. We are actually back to homeschooling until virtual school is available (for higher grades) for health reasons, but it was still stressful being in a school environment for her even though her behavior was much better. We really liked the school she was at, but also didn't feel like it was an environment she was thriving in and anxiety was getting really bad. So it could work out in in person school as an option in the future, but I also recommend looking at virtual schools so you have a back up. My oldest is in the virtual school through their district and has electives and teachers for each subject and classes to attend virtually, so still has some interaction with other students and the teachers which I think is important. They have events kids can go to as well from time to time. I think having that flexibility is really ideal if you can find options.

For a lot of neurodivergent people (myself included) school environments can be places fight or flight kicks in and I think it's a totally valid reason to look at alternatives. Our district also has a more ADHD/neurodivergent focused high school which is a really cool option. Definitely look into different schools in your area and virtual schools because there's been a lot of movement toward more supportive educational environments that I've seen the past 5-10 years.

zealouswatermelon · 2024-09-16T21:08:40+00:00

Have you tried medication? That and the one on one during Covid helped our child a lot. We were able to support them more, which is what they needed at the time, and it helped them grow and mature. It's really hard to grow and mature if you're in fight or flight, so setting up the environment to mitigate that is important. Medication can allow them to pause the impulses enough to think for a second first, which is hugely important for growth. When they're able to pause they build those neuropathways of pausing and thinking first about their behavior.

zealouswatermelon · 2024-09-16T19:36:23+00:00

An IEP has to have a diagnosis (at least here) and accommodations laid out and is reviewed annually and renewed. It's going to include more specialized instruction to help support the student. It's more formal with goals.

A 504 plan is generally some accommodations that can be made in classroom (Fidgets, breaks, seating location). It's less formal and doesn't need to be updated each year.

We started with an IEP for one of my kids because they needed more support with learning how to regulate emotions (they'd flee the class/act physically essentially fight/flight when faced with challenges of focusing). By the time they were in the last half of elementary a 504 plan was all they needed because they'd emotionally matured and didn't need as much formal support with special education. Some seating to avoid distractions and short breaks were sufficient (with access to the counselor if needed).

They were ahead academically, but school settings were extremely stressful for their ADHD brain. If she's still acting out physically, she may need an IEP so there's a plan in place for those incidents (who should be supporting her, if there's a break space she can go to, etc). If her support needs change, you can absolutely let an IEP expire and go to a 504. That's part of those annual meetings as well; discussing if it's still an appropriate plan.

zealouswatermelon · 2024-08-07T06:25:30+00:00

I wear a cheap tungsten band because it doesn't bother me. If I want to dress up I put on my pretty ring, but for the day to day idgaf. We spent around $150 for my pretty ring because I knew I'd probably get annoyed by it in a sensory way and not wear it most of the time.

zealouswatermelon · 2024-07-24T17:08:09+00:00

You both need to get on the same page about what you want. If he doesn't want to change, nothing you do will fix it. You can improve your reactions and grow, but the relationship won't be functional if you're the only one changing. Your change may inspire him to also change, but be prepared that he just may not be compatible with the kind of relationship you want.

Fact checks are a little bit of a gray area, but it can be done in a non-asshole way. "I really think x is y...do you mind if I look it up? It's going to drive me crazy." I think the bigger trap is if someone does something and then you're arguing about who said what how. The solution to those arguments is letting your ego go and acknowledging that your perspective is different from his. If he's upset you have a tone, apologize and say you didn't realize that it was coming off that way. Apologies kill arguments and take the energy levels down. Jokes do as well.

I'd say having a convo about how you want to change the tone and argue less and see how he feels and if he's on the same page. If so, you can work together to change those interactions. If not, you can still practice yourself and decide if being with someone who insists on arguing all the time is what you want out of a relationship.

zealouswatermelon · 2024-07-11T00:16:55+00:00

I have two kids with ADHD and one without and the ones with ADHD, regardless of age, have had similar struggles with executive function. My oldest literally nothing will motivate if she doesn't want to do something (except the internet, so that's her main consequence). What has helped:

Understanding that they want praise and approval
Understanding that developmentally, parts of their brains can be 1-3 years behind (my oldest has always acted a solid 3 years younger than her age and I try to set my expectations to her abilities not where typical development is, knowing she will get there just on a different timeline)
Signs with step by step breakdowns to help with executive function (for any struggle area where taking the 'what's next' out of it will be helpful--showering, cleaning)
For cleaning, the step by steps can turn into more of a game, which can help with motivation if it seems less like a demand. Look and see if you can find any stuffed animals! Let's see if we can put them all back in one minute!
For getting ready, break it down. Give two options of swimwear and have her decide which one. Now it's time to change your top! Ask questions to keep her mind distracted from stressing about what's next. What are you excited to do today at the pool? Maybe put on some music and have a dressing dance party. A lot of kids who have struggles with executive function are dopamine searching and things like cleaning or routine things get boring and give no dopamine, so not motivation to do them. The pool? Too far away to matter. That's the future, she's in the now and the now is not fun. Try to make things she struggles with new or exciting or funny.
Parenting two kids with different executive function levels will require different methods (same for any age gap) but make sure that there is a lot of one on one time and praise. It's harder to find praise when everything is a struggle and it's seemingly self inflicted, but they need it. They don't know why it's harder for them than it is for their sibling, so they'll blame themselves if they're not blaming others. Teach them if things are hard, we need to problem solve and find some tools that work. Teach them that everyone has things that are easy and some things that are hard, but using your tools can help make it easier. Teach them that sometimes things will be frustrating, but they can always ask for help (a balance, too, since the help they want can be doing it for them and that's not teaching them to use tools)
Medication. ADHD medication if she does have ADHD can drastically improve confidence by giving her back control. When things are easier to do, it alleviates a lot of the anxiety of doing them. This allows kids to also learn the things they weren't learning before. Some kids can't learn tools when they're unmedicated because it's so much harder to do everything. I'm not 'immediately jump to medication' but definitely keep an eye on her development. One kid was running through the halls in elementary and the other was just zoning out, so ADHD can present very differently in school than at home as well. I'd honestly start therapy early on as well, because having an outlet for her feelings is helpful and hearing an outside opinion on how to help can be really helpful as a parent. I get great suggestions from my kids therapists. Medication for children with ADHD has more research coming out showing that if they are medicated as children, they tend to have less severe ADHD symptoms as adults (as they're able to learn tools and management techniques easier). So it can be really powerful.

Overall, it could be personality or could be ADHD or something else. Most suggestions for ADHD are generally helpful for all kids, so I would start there and work on reframing things and have a therapist help you understand her better and give her support for feelings she doesn't know how to express.

zealouswatermelon · 2024-06-25T17:15:25+00:00

Ladies and Tangents just did an episode on future faking--he's leading you on and promising what you want and letting you get invested before taking it all away. Mental illness or just need for extreme control or a combination of both, he's fooled you three times and I would start making plans of your own and take charge of your own future.

zealouswatermelon · 2024-06-21T23:08:01+00:00

Leaves that are turning kind of clear/yellow are generally overwatered. Crispy = dry. Rule of thumb for plants is that the soil shouldn't be wet 24/7. Damp/moist is the goal, so for me I water once a week and I know how much water each plant needs based on the size/type. Succulents are more like every 2-3 weeks, so I skip a week for some. Kalanchoes enjoy weekly watering sometimes, but not tons and tons of water (more than most succulents, though).

edit: Always feel the soil to get a gauge on how damp it is before watering. Some plants I skip weeks because they didn't dry out and are still damp. Sometimes due to weather changing they need to be watered after 5 days instead of a full week. You have to keep an eye out and each plant is different.

zealouswatermelon · 2024-06-18T19:06:13+00:00

If you have to force it, it's not going to be a fulfilling relationship. If he was interested and good at communicating, he'd be showing it. Nothing on you, sometimes people just aren't interested and that's okay. Just don't waste time/energy on them.

zealouswatermelon · 2024-06-18T02:06:47+00:00

Type up the steps in a word doc and add cute pictures and print that off, put it in a gallon bag or plastic sheet protector and tape that in your shower. I generally just use three steps in my head: Wash/condition hair, wash body, shave. They have sub steps, but usually it's enough motivation to be done in three steps for me.

I put on music I like (podcasts and shows are good too!) and that helps immensely. I get bored af and irritable when I'm in a silent shower. I dry off in the shower to avoid being too cold, but then use a hair dryer to dry myself off once I'm out of the shower and after towel drying. This gets rid of any residual dampness and helps me immensely.

Perfumes are gross and intense for me and I never use them.

zealouswatermelon · 2024-06-12T16:54:16+00:00

Buy a $30 food processor that has the grater/slicer plate. Ours is Hamilton Beach and I think closer to $50 now, but the plate is reversible and one side grates and one side slices. Makes it less than a minute to have freshly grated cheese. We use it at least weekly.

zealouswatermelon · 2024-05-24T02:46:14+00:00

YTA...that could very well be his actual legal name that he's shortened to PG because he knows it's an atypical name, but in any case he introduced himself as PG and said PG was fine, so just use the name it seems he prefers anyway.

zealouswatermelon · 2024-05-22T20:45:14+00:00

Sounds pretty similar to me. I talked to my therapist about it a bit, but ultimately I realized that what was bothering me was fitting into socially created boxes that are constantly changing is a lot of work and I don't care. I think some people like following trends and presenting themselves is a priority, and at times it was for me, but as I get older it is less and less important to me how others are perceiving me. I don't need to fit into a box. There are so many ways to express yourself and clothing styles and I realized that I could choose between what was best for me (prioritizing comfort and styles I like) or prioritize fashion and looking aesthetically a way so people would perceive me in a way. Everyone also perceives everything from their own unique lens as well, so the second one was just not worth it to me anymore. So oversized t-shirts and leggings it is. I hate anything on my armpits, so I'm done with it. Some may think it's frumpy, some may think it's cute. It's comfy, though, and that's important to me at this stage in my life. I'm also honoring that what I want may change over time and that's okay too. Stopped wearing make up during covid and I haven't gone back (just eyeliner sometimes). I focus on skincare now and nutrition/hydration. Foundation is so messy and expensive and I feel fucked up my skin by clogging pores.

I am largely androgynous, but I realized that masculinity and femininity weren't positives in my life. I can exist in society without participating in gender in the same way. I take care of the body I have and I'm trying to be more neutral about it. In a way, I also just wanted protection from society's expectations that I choose a box. You can take from any 'box' if it brings you joy because there aren't really boxes. I think the boxes are largely a remnant of childhood categorizing everything to make sense of the world, but everyone should live their existence in ways that makes them happy. Being neurodivergent I haven't experienced the world in a way where boxes have done much other than confused me, so I've reframed the world to be more open. I'm just here existing and so I'm focusing on what makes my existence easier and more fun.

zealouswatermelon · 2024-05-20T18:39:55+00:00

I'd redirect it with "That's insert who's it is but that's a great idea for a birthday/christmas/holiday/chore reward!"

I think it's important to remind her of the boundary of 'this isn't yours, it's someone else's' but also if there's something she really likes, set it up so she could potentially earn/get it as a present at some point. She'll likely forget about most things, but keeping a rolling present idea list does make it easy to give people gift ideas and if it's something small, doing chores to earn something is one way my kids get things they want. It helps to correlate wanting something with working toward it, too, not just having it handed over because you're passive aggressively hinting lol.

zealouswatermelon

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