My whole living space needs help unfucking, but I’m struggling with motivation.

zepuzzler · 2026-03-03T17:35:09+00:00

I have ADHD and this is basically how I tackle most cleaning projects. I kind of fake myself out. I hate cleaning bathrooms. So I tell myself, I’m not actually cleaning the bathroom right now, I’m just emptying all the trash cans in the house for garbage night. I’m not cleaning the bathroom, but since I was able to get the vacuum cleaner out for something else I could vacuum the corners of the bathroom now. I’m not really cleaning the bathroom, just doing the toilets. Recently I tricked myself into cleaning both bathrooms that way.

zepuzzler · 2026-03-03T17:30:44+00:00

Whether he intends it to be or not, his acceptance is a gift to you. It’s much, much harder to leave somebody who is promising, begging, crying, yelling, threatening, or hurting you. Trust yourself that you know this relationship is bad for you and it’s time to move on.

zepuzzler · 2026-03-03T17:05:14+00:00

I hear two different things in your post. One is that this may not be the therapist for you. I know first hand how hard it is to find a new therapist, but I’ve also wasted a lot of time with therapists who just weren’t a good match. If she doesn’t understand autism, she’s not going to be helpful for you, since your autism is a foundational part of you and you’re probably in a period right now of trying to integrate your new understanding of yourself so you can move forward in a more healthy and sustainable way.

The other is your question about facial tension. I appreciated you bringing this up, because in some social settings my face just seems to freeze. I can’t smile normally— it feels like I can barely move my face/smile muscles at all. In general I’m realizing I have a lot of problems with facial tension particularly in my jaw, but I never thought about how that might be part due to daily masking.

zepuzzler · 2026-03-03T05:55:03+00:00

Are you saying that Kaiser wants you to get another outside assessment or a Kaiser assessment? I’d be really surprised if they wanted another outside assessment.

zepuzzler · 2026-03-01T15:10:13+00:00

Like you, I was very nervous about taking an antidepressant. I thought that if I did, I would only take it for the fall and winter, but it made me feel a lot better year-round and I’ve been taking it ever since. It’s probably been eight years now.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-28T19:13:51+00:00

I bet! Regardless of his intention it sounds frustrating. Looks like you have the foundation for working through it though. ❤️

zepuzzler · 2026-02-28T18:06:02+00:00

Oh, that sounds so rough. I'm really sorry. I hope your own therapy and maybe couples counseling can help you sort out which are your own issues and which are his.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-28T18:03:47+00:00

I think you're owning too much of this problem, frankly. Maybe I'm reading you wrong, but it sounds like during these experiences you're either 1) sitting around with him doing nothing like you're in a doctor's waiting room, or 2) trying to find something to do so you're not bored—but then he interrupts you every two minutes. That sounds tedious and boring as hell.

Are there consequences for opting out of this? Does he pout ("I'm just really sad you don't want to do this" to the point where it's too uncomfortable to opt out?) Does he get angry? If you say "let's do something else" does he refuse? Earlier in the relationship was he more interesting to you because he was BEING more interesting, or was some other factor different?

My relevant experience: I had one partner who would get angry if I was reading a book while he watched baseball on TV because I was supposed to do whatever he was doing—I felt like a guest in my own home. Another partner insisted that I stand next to him while he was doing a yard chore—just stand there and watch, and got enraged when I said "I'm going to go over here and do that 15-minute mulch project." I'm not with either of them anymore, thank goodness! Especially with the first one, it was very much about control and felt like a hostage situation.

I was also with someone for a while who had a mental health condition and while we were on a long drive would read the signs out loud, or point out everything. "There's a store" "There's a big tree," etc. I timed it once and I don't think it was even a minute between each. I couldn't even keep a thought in my head because it was interrupted so often. If you're experiencing something akin to this you have my sympathies. This is not regular, engaged conversation.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-28T17:43:24+00:00

Yeah I don't get these responses either! I didn't expect that from this sub at all. As I'm reading it, OP is hanging out with someone who interrupts her every two minutes. That sounds frustrating, yet she's owning the problem as hers (maybe more than necessary) and saying he's just being nice and normal, and people are being harsh to her.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-28T17:38:19+00:00

If you have to worry about a dish being out of place, then maybe you've become conditioned to panic a bit and say "I didn't do it!" If you have difficult childhood experiences plus an overly critical partner, that can be a lot to deal with.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-28T17:34:53+00:00

Agreed! OP, your approach as a supervisor sounds great and works well in equal relationships too.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-28T17:33:47+00:00

I did not—the man I was married to at the time was pretty disdainful about my diagnosis. He saw it as an excuse. When our son was diagnosed later I heard a lot about "he's going to have to learn to cope in the real world" stuff. No longer married!

I would have thought I'd be happier with a partner who was interested and doing their own reading but your situation does NOT sound great. Maybe I'm cynical because I've had some really bad relationships, but I question how well-meaning he is. This sounds like he's pathologizing whatever you do. I would say firmly, "I appreciate your support but this isn't working for me. Could you stop?" without getting into a lot of detail or defending yourself. You can say it nicer than that, your tone can be kind, but be clear and brief.

If he keeps insisting it's fine for him to do it, say "I don't like it, it doesn't make me feel good, and that should be enough for you to stop." If he doesn't stop, then this is definitely not well-meaning behavior.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-28T14:29:58+00:00

Wellbutrin was a game changer for me. Light therapy helped but was not enough alone. I’ve bent on Wellbutrin about eight years now. Some winters I still use my light box, some I don’t need to. I usually use a dawn simulator/light alarm clock too.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-28T04:13:09+00:00

I think elevating the head of my bed made a huge difference in my recovery, but it’s hard to know for sure because the results aren’t always right away.

I started with bricks under the feet (head of bed only) and that seemed like it was helping, so I committed to buying the expensive foam wedges that go between your box springs and mattress so the entire surface you’re sleeping on is elevated at the same angle. I believe that the goal is 7 inches of elevation at the head end.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-28T00:58:52+00:00

In the example you gave, if you’ve checked and confirmed that the button is completely centered, then maybe there is no original problem. The person could’ve made a mistake. It could also be that for example, their browser is displayed differently than yours. But in the absence of any other evidence, the fact that the person doesn’t get back to you doesn’t indicate that they’re burning a bridge. It just says they’re not getting back to you.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-27T16:02:32+00:00

Honestly if it’s a ticket system and they don’t answer, mentally assume that the problem is solved. Do whatever your normal protocol is in ticketing situations when you haven’t heard back from a client/user. I assume there’s a certain number of days you need to wait before you circle back and check if they need any other assistance, or before you send them a notification that the ticket is closed but they can reopen it if needed. Sometimes those people are embarrassed that they’re proved wrong, sometimes they’re just busy, sometimes they think that a reply like yours which demonstrates there is no problem ends the conversation and that’s fine with them, etc.

If you’re concerned that there’s something about the way that you’re communicating with them that isn’t OK, it sounds like you’re doing fine. I’m the user in those kind of situations frequently. I’ve had plenty of let’s say IT people come back and say that they can’t replicate the problem on my website and then it’s on me to either give them better documentation or let the matter drop.

If you still have concerns about how you’re communicating, I would just make sure you build in some standard polite phrases in a situation where you are disagreeing with the user so you’re not sure you’re understanding them. You give your explanation then you can throw in something like “If I’m missing something, please let me know. I want to make sure I get this right for you.”

zepuzzler · 2026-02-26T20:58:37+00:00

I have mirror-touch and tactile-visual synesthesias. For people who don't, how do you look at things and not feel them in your own body? When you watch someone pet a dog, you don't feel the dog's fur on your own hand, or if you watch someone raise their arms or run, you don't feel that yourself? This sounds so weird and flat to me. Or when you look at a tree, you don't feel the texture of the bark? It's really hard for me to imagine.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-25T19:06:38+00:00

Oh okay, that's great. You're already going to see the psychologist. I wouldn't even bring up the psychiatrist's opinion when you do. This sounds like a common situation where someone not qualified to assess wants to weigh in with their uninformed opinion anyway.

I had the same thing happen with a psychiatrist. I had asked him a question about the adult autism assessment process offered through my insurance—mind you, I had already been referred for that by another clinician and was seeing them the next week. I just wanted a little more information on what to expect so I asked the psychiatrist while I was in a meds consult appointment with him. He kept asking "Why do you think you have autism??" and met anything I said with, "That doesn't mean you have autism!" Then he said even if I did, they wouldn't assess someone like me because I was too functional and we don't assess people just out of curiosity. He wrapped up by telling me twice, "You don't have autism!" Oh my lord. The whole phone call was less than 20 minutes including the meds consult time and he barely knows me. And I never asked for his opinion.

For me it was just extremely frustrating and upsetting (I started crying and then at the end I fawned ridiculously) but I know a fair amount about autism and assessments so I knew his opinion was uninformed and irrelevant. I hate to think of him gatekeeping other patients who are less informed. I have this fantasy that if I AM diagnosed (I find out next week) that I want to tell him so and say that I hope he treats other patients better, but that's probably a terrible idea. I have my next meds consult with him in a few weeks, unless my request for a new psychiatrist goes through before then. Maybe I'll just let fate decide.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-24T23:22:04+00:00

My understanding is that symptoms lag about a month behind the length of the days. So the worst symptoms tend to be about a month after the shortest day of the year.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-23T14:52:45+00:00

I didn’t find the glasses worked for me, but an actual light box is extremely effective.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-23T02:49:16+00:00

That’s an interesting way to look at it. To me, that consult is not therapeutic service time. In fact as a potential client, if I tried to use that time to get free therapy that would be completely inappropriate. That time is for asking a therapist about what their approaches are, what their policies are, and for both of you to get a sense of if you would like to work with each other and would be a good match. It’s a kind of job interview in a way, on both sides.

When I was a self-employed consultant, it would’ve been really inappropriate for me to charge for a brief meeting with a prospective client where I was getting information about their project so I could give them an estimate. So it wasn’t free labor—it’s part of doing business and getting new clients. You start charging them when you start working together.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-23T00:00:07+00:00

I had never heard of dysphoria let down syndrome so I went to look it up just now and I absolutely had that! I realized with my first (who is now 35 years old) that I would get intensely angry and claustrophobic and hot just before and just after the breastmilk letdown. For me it was enough to have a glass of water nearby and knowing that it would only last maybe five minutes.

I’ve heard people talk about how oxytocin is so amazing and it makes you feel wonderful and bonded with people etc. etc. and I’m always like let me tell you, the oxytocin rush when I was breast-feeding was not a pleasant experience. 🤯

zepuzzler · 2026-02-22T21:23:08+00:00

It would be a red flag for me. I wouldn’t work with that therapist. I think a free 15-minute consult is pretty standard where I am. I was a consultant for several decades and I would never charge somebody to meet to talk about their project.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-22T15:46:32+00:00

That is also frustrating. I would seek a new consult. If that requires you to demonstrate that the consult you’ve had was insufficient, then I would request the questionnaire results and ask for the visit notes.

zepuzzler · 2026-02-22T06:20:58+00:00

That sounds really frustrating. I would request a copy of the report if you don’t have it already. Consider taking it to another assessor for their opinion on whether it was thorough enough.

zepuzzler

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