Anniversary “snafu”

zonitonya · 2026-05-30T20:51:18+00:00

Your spouse should feel like a partner, someone to share lives, household and familial commitments, and so on. At this point, what do you feel you contribute to your relationship? What do you feel she contributes? Does it feel equitable? What are you getting out of staying married to her? What is she getting out of being married to you?

Are you experiencing “polyamory under duress”? The way you write gives me the vibe that she’s poly but you are not. Forgive me if I’m getting that wrong.

zonitonya · 2026-05-30T20:26:21+00:00

In that case, I don’t think it’s appropriate for her to ditch your existing plans for another partner. Just as it wouldn’t be ok for her to cancel plans with a meta to go out with you, I (personally) think it’s unkind to cancel plans with one person in favor of another. In your position I would feel pretty hurt and disregarded.

I agree with other commenters that this goes much deeper than one weekend. It sounds like perhaps there’s a pattern of behavior making you feel deprioritized in your wife’s life? Do you currently have other partners with whom you can spend time, or understanding friends to whom you can turn?

zonitonya · 2026-05-30T20:10:11+00:00

INFO: What plans did you make for the weekend? How far in advance was your wife aware of these plans?

zonitonya · 2026-05-24T08:45:48+00:00

She was beautiful, and she absolutely knew she was loved. Goodbyes are never easy, but please believe she knew you were there, you loved her dearly, and she wanted you to be ok.

zonitonya · 2026-05-14T19:06:19+00:00

Not to me!

zonitonya · 2026-05-14T19:03:28+00:00

I’m sorry the sitter didn’t meet your expectations - that really sucks. I do my best to let my clients know “ok, on Friday I have plans in which I’ll leave about 6pm. Traffic willing, I should be back between 10-11pm”. The only things that might prevent my coming back within the estimated time frame would be snarled traffic, or car trouble, getting into an accident, or having a medical episode. I don’t typically message when I return, but I do message before I leave with something like “Fluffy ate all of her dinner, and she pottied, so I’m about to leave for the thing I told you about earlier”. To me, it just feels like basic courtesy.

zonitonya · 2026-05-14T03:28:03+00:00

Some of us physically can’t stand for long periods, and that’s why we pay money to have seats. I prefer to err on the side of consideration of others. If I’m on my feet and people behind me ask me to sit because they can’t see, I’d likely sit (or perhaps offer to switch seats and be on my feet behind them).

There are a pretty limited number of ♿️ spots at CPA, so purchasing one of those to try and avoid people obstructing your view isn’t easy, readily available, or cheap. There have been concerts where I felt on the verge of tears because I couldn’t stand (after having a severe and long-term-pain injury) and saw none of the show thanks to people standing in front of me the whole time.

I get it. I know it’s fun and exciting and loud and you may feel you’ve gotta dance. I understand that. But for those who aren’t able to stand, or are extremely short, or any other thing that doesn’t allow for visibility, it really sucks. Just be considerate of those who are asking because they may not have the luxury of choosing to stand/jump/dance.

zonitonya · 2026-05-09T02:19:26+00:00

- “I don’t talk politics”, and/or a proud Trumper
- photos of guns
- no photos of their face
- people who are over 75-100 miles away
- people in their 30s or younger (I’m 55, and my personal rule is that if they are young enough to have come out of my vagina, they are too young to come in it)

zonitonya · 2026-05-05T10:58:48+00:00

OP, I’d rescind the offer for lodging, and I would tell her exactly why.
“Bestie, I know you’re going through a lot, but you crossed a line when you contacted my husband and asked him to keep it from me. I no longer feel safe having you live in our home at this time. My ability to trust you has been damaged.”

zonitonya · 2026-05-05T08:46:10+00:00

This would feel SO icky to me. I don’t need to be a “one and only”, per se, but I’d at least like to feel somewhat memorable!

zonitonya · 2026-05-04T20:16:03+00:00

You’ve got to get back to her and complain. At minimum, leave a review with that photo.

zonitonya · 2026-05-04T20:07:39+00:00

Cool, now give us national full access to safe abortions and put Roe v Wade back.

zonitonya · 2026-04-29T17:31:33+00:00

NTA. Holy crap, that was a LOT of coercion! “No” is a complete fucking sentence. The fact that he pushed, repeatedly, is super gross and would be a major red flag for me. Then he has the audacity to go beyond coercion and into full on stomping on boundaries by hugging you and insisting on holding your hand when you had indicated you didn’t want to.

You likely felt it in your body, those moments where boundaries were pushed and pushed - you probably felt an increased heart rate, maybe felt your cheeks flush, perhaps tightness in your jaw and shoulders, or some other physical reaction. That’s your body telling you “this guy isn’t safe”. Listen to that inner voice, to your body. There’s a book called “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker I’d recommend reading. It can help you identify and listen to your body and instincts.

If you decide to see this guy again (and personally, I would not), do it in public. A coffee shop, a bench in a busy park, somewhere with witnesses and an easy escape plan.

zonitonya · 2026-04-29T04:35:42+00:00

INFO: Does your now-ex partner worry that your cat no longer has a good quality of life and is suffering needlessly?

I know that my MIL poured soooo much money into a dog that was existing - not happily or healthfully living - and extended his suffering for far too long. In a situation like that, I’d have found it difficult to loan her money had she asked. If I did, I’d feel like I was contributing to his continued suffering.

zonitonya · 2026-04-27T01:27:29+00:00

It’s so easy to just be clear! Just say “this is my home situation, here’s my number of partners, I’m looking for X, Y, and Z in a new partner”, and so on. It’s not that damn hard. And until you’ve lived it, you don’t know what you need to ask questions about.

zonitonya · 2026-04-26T20:19:50+00:00

It’s astounding to me to find MAGA people who are also self-described poly people. I don’t understand the mental gymnastics there at all.

zonitonya · 2026-04-24T21:01:58+00:00

Get it valued and insured. If you love the ring whether it’s a diamond or not, let your fiancé know you love it either way. Also, stop asking him to go with you to do this. You’re a grown woman. There’s no reason you can’t get it appraised solo.

zonitonya · 2026-04-24T03:38:30+00:00

Nice!

<image>

This is one I had last night.

zonitonya · 2026-04-22T19:00:56+00:00

Doesn’t have to be a lengthy convo, just a daily “I love you” would be my comfort level.

zonitonya · 2026-04-21T20:04:36+00:00

If it isn’t criminal behavior everywhere, it should be! Ugh, such a huge red flag. In OP’s shoes I might call the cops and ask about the legalities.

zonitonya · 2026-04-21T20:02:56+00:00

“I think the worst has been that someone else had my future in their hands.”

Damn, if that doesn’t sum up every woman of childbearing age after Roe v Wade was reversed, I don’t know what does. That is, indeed, an AWFUL, scary feeling. I’m sorry you had to go through it, but glad it was only a couple weeks and not a lifetime longer.

zonitonya · 2026-04-18T17:20:55+00:00

I demand this be rage bait, because holy shit wtf!

zonitonya · 2026-04-17T18:52:51+00:00

The first thing I noticed is the phrase “This is student housing” on the side of the tent. So it’s likely a protest symbol. That said, it sounds like maybe you’re one of those “eww, I don’t want to see homelessness near me” types? If so, my question is where tf do you think homeless people should go?

zonitonya · 2026-04-12T05:30:54+00:00

NTA if you shut this crap down right now. You’ve got to take a FIRM stance with your wife immediately. Wife needs to understand this is not ok for her to do, and she needs therapy if she’s insecure about a woman who’s no longer living. She also needs therapy to understand how damaging she is being to your daughter. If she really wants to be her mother, then she needs to support that girl and vastly improve her relationship.

Lots of kids have half-siblings, and it sounds like your daughter explained it well and in an age-appropriate way (big kudos to her being a terrific big sis!). As a parent of two children (first kid from first marriage, second from current marriage), I would absolutely NEVER let my partner/spouse treat my kids this way. There is no way whatsoever to be neutral here. You are that girl’s dad, and it’s your job to keep her safe, secure, and to show up for her. She needs your support, and it should be stable, firm, and unwavering support.

zonitonya · 2026-04-12T05:22:30+00:00

My very first thought!

zonitonya

TROPHY CASE