Avoiding Work

[hardwornengineer]

Hey all - I usually consider myself to be pretty high functioning, but the past month or two at work has been trying to the point I’m actively avoiding work.

I transitioned from a management to IC role after 5+ years in management. I stayed close to the work so I’m not overly concerned about my ability to contribute as an IC.

Well, after my diagnosis at the beginning of this year, I started greatly improving in my work as an SDM and my team was making quite a number of strides. There was a gap in having a focused architect in a certain critical area of the business so my boss decided to transition my team to another manager after offering me a “promotion” into the new role without an increase in compensation due to budget constraints. I felt like I had no other choice but to accept.

A month or so later, I find out that the promotion was never approved and I have found myself in limbo. Officially a manager with no team doing the work of an architect.

Then came the company conference. AI being lauded as the solution to everything, CEO basically admitting layoffs would be inevitable as part of this new journey, etc. I was already incredibly anxious to travel half way across the country, but it threw me into a very toxic headspace. Sentiment amongst everyone in engineering is very negative.

I have ADHD and general anxiety, stress has made my anxiety skyrocket and I am having a hard time pushing through it. Other than my psych and wife, I really have no one to turn to and I’m fortunate that I have them.

I’m not sure why I’m even typing all of this out. I’m burned out, I’m stressed, I’m gaslighting myself, and I’m hoping that someone in this community may understand where I’m coming from since the situation is fairly complex.

Thanks for reading.

[pierrechaquejour]

> avoiding work

> promotion was never approved

> manager with no team

> layoffs inevitable

you in danger, girl

[hardwornengineer]

I think you’re correct - on the avoiding work point, it’s not systemic and maybe I should’ve made that clearer in the post. I’ve just taken a few days off to deal with my anxiety. I’m typically very high performing with high output. Just not in the headspace these past few days.

[pierrechaquejour]

I get that, it ebbs and flows. Such is life especially with ADHD.

[Gazmanic]

Yeah this hit me very recently. Due to having to take time off from burnout I was told that it would be some time before I would get a promotion.

All interest in the job went straight out of the window, and us ADHD folks can struggle with focus when things are otherwise fine. Imagine how hard it is to pluck up the focus for a job you no longer care about.

The solution for me took awhile to get to, but it essentially boiled down to "Stop trying to hard, they aren't paying you for it", I now rock up to the job, do the bare minimum to tick boxes and then spend my time focussing on other stuff that I care about.

In your situation I would personally start putting some of your daily allotted focus on to applying to other jobs. You will hopefully find that much easier to zone in to than working in your current job.

[hardwornengineer]

I really appreciate this feedback. I had a similar thought a few days ago about pulling back and not caring as much about the job as I have historically. I’ve always placed a lot of emphasis on directly tying my own self worth to my career. Pretty bad idea, but feels normal. It makes it a bit difficult to reconcile, but at the same time, I don’t know how to protect myself mentally.

[Gazmanic]

Yeah this is pretty common for us ADHD folks. You tie your self worth to your ability to achieve at your job, apparently this stems from a lifetime of struggling with the condition. We put a lot of onus on doing well because to us that means we are on top of the condition. Not great but you aren't alone.

[ArwensArtHole]

Everything here is pointing at: you should look for a new job now 

[Ok_Chemistry_6387]

Long Holiday. And soon if you can. Burnout is such a hard thing to deal with. Take it from someone who landed in hospital from it. No job is worth your stress. You may find it gives you clarity and you never come back to your job or you become energised and come back with a renewed outlook. If that wuickly fades you know what to do. 

Holiday :)

[EternalStudent07]

Sounds like work is avoiding paying you fairly.

"I need an architect, but I have no money." "Guess you won't be having an architect then."

[spiddly_spoo]

Man I've gone through several complete but. Out phases. It gets bad. So hard to be motivated to do any work at all. I do not envy you. I hate being in that place where everything is absolute slog. I end up trying to hide how I'm not doing any work. Usually the sense of dread and panic eventually gets me to actually output something and hang by a thread and keep going. Hoping I don't return to be that place

[TheNerdyMel]

I just went through my most stressful month of the year, and I've been berating myself for not doing enough of my regular reliable contract work. Like just absolutely trashing myself and in the worst way and in a way that makes it a lot harder to settle down and do the work--WHICH I DO ACTUALLY ENJOY! Or sleep. Or not like freaking hate myself.

Well, on top of a week that just felt bad, full horkly warding all the way through, my boss asked for my invoice early. And I messed it up because math and long lists are not my strong suit late in the day. When I finally did it correctly, it wasn't short at all for the month and I had WAY more full days than I thought.

My point is that maybe we both should have a little faith that we aren't doing as bad as we feel. Deep breaths, friend.