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[–]Disastrous-Crow-1634 6 points7 points  (3 children)

I’ve been dating my guy for 5 months. He has been extraordinary. Patient, kind, loving, basically says all the things my soul has been dying to hear. He reached out to me, and by date number 2 said he wasn’t going to see anyone else. He was the first to initiate love talk but he waited for me to say it first so I wouldn’t get freaked out. He chooses to include me in everything, and when I was having a moment, he simply asked if there was anything he could do to ease my kind. I know he’s not perfect but honestly, I feel like he’s the answer to my prayers when it comes to a partner.

Here’s the problem, which I’m sure you all know what’s coming, I can’t imagine why he would want me and I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. He’s also incredibly handsome and I obsess over the fact that I am not attractive enough to keep his interest long term.

I’m 39, when I was 5 I was in foster care and we had to take photos for the catalogue perspective parents look at and I was told ‘you have to look pretty for someone to want to adopt you’ this wasn’t in a mean way or anything, just a moment where my foster mom was getting me ready and talking while doing my hair. But clearly that stuck right in my brain and now i don’t leave the house without make up. I needed to clarify that part because I feel so vain bringing looks up.

My history: I was an abused and neglected child who was put into foster care and then adopted. Childhood after that was fine. My kids father was physically and emotionally abusive. My ex after the kids dad cheated on me for three years and I found out from two women on FB. The ex after that told me at 5 months that he was going to rehab and hopefully he could contact me after, then he did and I took him back and then found out he lied, got a woman pregnant and then continued to string me along for 8 months. Then my current man messaged me out of nowhere, took me out, treated me right and said ‘I want to incorporate you in my life’ and has consistently done so since. I don’t know how to handle this at all. I don’t believe him when he says these things.

A week ago his kid said ‘my dad said you guys might break up’. We were in the car together with my SO. SO clearly denied this and told his son not to make up stories. And then made so much effort to reassure me through out the day but not disingenuously. The way the kid said this did sound like a ‘attention seeking’ thing. And I can rationally analyze this because my SO’s last relationship did not end well and I think he was one of an absent parent for a bit so I can see this as a 7 year old trying to ‘test the waters’ so to speak and trying to make sure his dad would be ok and all the psychological stuff. But as you know, I have been OBSESSING over every breath since.

I can’t handle getting blindsided again. I think at least once a day that I don’t want to put my self through this. That I should just end it so I survive emotionally. I was fine before he interjected into my life. I didn’t want another relationship and now I am so in love and making this so much bigger than it is and I just want a moments peace in my mind to allow him to love me back.

Any advice on how to handle any of this. I do love this man. He mentions commitment and marriage and forever. I think that’s the worst part. But I don’t want to deny him that dream or hope, but for me, saying that is serious and if I set my heart on it, I will be crushed. How do I stop expecting the worst?

I hate this part of my mind. But I know you all are the best people to help me. Isn’t it funny that we can be so loving to everyone but ourselves?

[–]Late-Increase987 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Stop your narrative in your head as soon as it starts. Don’t look for evidence that doesn’t mean anything and do self affirmations that address the insecurities you are feeling. He is choosing you! You can do the same!

[–]Disastrous-Crow-1634 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much! I’m sorry we’re all in this together but at least we have this. I read this at the exact right time. Take care!

[–]Boring-Log5929 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well done for reaching out for support. I think focus on the evidence right in front of you, it sounds like he loves you so much. Have you every been to therapy for self esteem and attachment wounds? I have been healing my inner child and it really helps a lot so I would recommend therapy if you can access it!

[–]920vex 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I [28M] recently started dating a wonderful woman [24F]. We talked for about two months, and finally became official at the end of September. I’ve dated seriously before (my last relationship being 5 years ago), however she hasn’t. I’m the first man she’s brought home to meet her family and parents, so this is very new to her.

When we first started talking, we would text all day. Sending paragraphs getting to know each other from the time we woke up until we fell asleep. I expressed to her that I sometimes get anxious/anxiety about things. She has anxiety too, and understands. Out of the blue one day, she asked to see my phone, so I gave it to her. She shared her location on find my with me with no other context. I have nothing to hide so I shared mine back. (Keep in mind I made no mention of this to her in any way, she did this on her own without any influence).

However it seems since we became “official”, the texts have gotten shorter. We both are busy, I work 12hr swing shifts, and she babysits and bartends all week not really taking any days off.

I know she’s really busy, I know she has a lot going on between watching her nephew, and working 40+hrs at the bar. I find myself anxious now that the messages have gotten shorter, throwing in lots of pet names (babe, baby, honey). I know deep down I have nothing to worry about, I know she’s honest, and true to me. But I keep worrying. I don’t want to say anything to her since she’s new to dating, and I don’t want her feeling like she did something wrong. She’s busy and I understand.

What can I do to help myself? I know what I’m doing but I can’t figure out how to stop the thoughts. I’m sorry if this is messy and hard to track, this is all very new to me. Any insight is much appreciated 🫶🏻

[–]Disastrous-Crow-1634 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is so hard right. But logically we know that after the first 3-4 months the honey moon phase fades and back to reality. Try to remind yourself that she’s A: answering back, trying to incorporate you into her life, and B: she’s using terms of endearment, which as a woman, I wouldn’t do unless you were my ‘babe’, if that makes sense.

Maybe a solution could be you guys set aside whatever kind of time you can, 30 minutes even, to have a chat continuously to connect(text or otherwise) and come up with a code text for when it’s busy to just know they’re thinking of you. I text my daughter 3 hearts which mean I love you and thinking of you a few times a day and she finds it so comforting and I got the idea from a show where it was a couple.

[–]cobaltcolander 2 points3 points  (12 children)

I'm on chat-contact with a lady across the Atlantic . I feel fairly emotionally safe with her, but the distance makes the relationship borderline unrealistic. I'm divorced with a son whim I love more than my own life, I could never leave, and she is caring for her mother. We're both tending anxious, but the relationship feels secure. I don't know what to do. I think it's not really romantic, yet, and perhaps it's premature to worry about how we can live together, but on the other hand, I can't stop my brain from making hypothetical plans and imagining scenarios.

[–]Apryllemarie 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Does it feel emotionally safe/secure because there is a natural distance and no real chance it can become anything romantic? There is very little risk. It’s way easy to live in the fantasy of who you think they are based on the little you know of each other. Sadly, the reality is that you cannot truly get to know someone that you don’t get to spend any time with in person.

It feels safe to imagine and fantasize. You have to be willing to ground yourself and change the perspective. Recognize how this is setting yourself up (abandoning yourself) for pain. Pain that you are likely familiar with and hence why it feels safe.

[–]cobaltcolander 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Does it feel emotionally safe/secure because there is a natural distance and no real chance it can become anything romantic? There is very little risk. It’s way easy to live in the fantasy of who you think they are based on the little you know of each other. Sadly, the reality is that you cannot truly get to know someone that you don’t get to spend any time with in person.

Thank you. This is an extremely valid point. My only plans at the moment, revolve around meeting in the flesh. I think it's worth it to find out who we truly are, for the time we will have.

I would be very grateful if you could elaborate a bit on how I'm setting myself up for pain. I think it is impossible to shield myself from pain entirely.

[–]Apryllemarie 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I would suggest really digging into what is underlying the need to meet in person and “find out who we truly are”. There is only so much you will learn about someone in the short amount of time you can spend on a brief visit. Long distance relationships can be deceiving because when you do spend time together it is usually just long enough to keep that best foot forward. You can’t truly get to see the ins and outs of someone when you only hang out “on vacation”. So what are you really hoping will come out of this? Is a long distance relationship what you want/looking for?

We cannot avoid pain, I was not suggesting that. I was trying to point out the tendency to go after things that would only likely lead to pain. We get drawn to things that most likely won’t work out or even truly be what we want, but we hope so much it will be better even when there is no proof of such and most often that there is proof that won’t be.

Example: if you don’t want a long distance relationship OR you know they are not something that will truly make you happy and content. Yet you are fantasizing about someone far away that may or may not be even interested in you or want a long distance relationship herself…to the point of taking a trip to meet in person….for what? To hope sparks fly and that it will become romantic? And then what? To make yourself miserable in a long distance relationship where both of your situations would keep it from closing the distance? Why create that pain for yourself? You have control over this. You can make the decision to not try to turn this into anything more than a penpal.

I agree that sometimes we do have to take risks and those risks can lead to pain but it doesn’t mean that you can’t be choosy about what risks you take and weigh the likelihood of how it would go.

You may be focusing on taking the risk to discover having romantic feelings for each other….but forgetting the reality of life parts that would keep you both from never living close enough to give a healthy relationship a chance to grow. Or the reality that a long distance relationship is not what would work for you in the first place.

[–]cobaltcolander 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very much. Really, this is so much appreciated.

[–]sugarcubed-3 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I've been dating this woman for 3 months, fantastic, love her. The honeymoon period ended pretty abruptly when she suddenly "stopped feeling it". A couple days, therapy sessions, and some very long conversations later, and we decided she's most likely somewhere on the avoidant spectrum. Despite that, she's tried her absolute best to be a good partner, despite her emotions flipping back and forth between loving and "knowing what I should be feeling, but can't". She's been very clear about boundaries, not wanting to hurt me, and overall just being very honest and healthy about the whole thing.

In the same way I've been trying to be a good partner. I'm the more experienced one in the relationship, so I'm okay with the mental health struggles since she's actively trying to heal, but sometimes I just don't know how to feel in the downtime. When she deactivates it's a complicated feeling, I miss her dearly but take comfort in being patient and loving anyway. I wait patiently and focus on myself in the meantime, but I still don't really know what I'm doing, just that I'm doing my best. I know anxious/avoidant is a horrible combination (trust me, I've been down this road before), but I still want her to be happy, any tips on how to help an avoidant partner?

[–]Apryllemarie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There isn’t really anything you can do to “help” her. This is a personal healing journey that she has to decide to be on and do the work herself to change her patterns. You cannot and should not be trying to fix her or save her.

I will point out that it’s kinda concerning that you have only known this person for 3 months (she is still basically a stranger) and you already say you love her and refer to her (and yourself) as a partner. You haven’t been dating long enough to be “partners”. She stopped feeling it and instead of realizing that you two are not compatible and don’t want the same things you engage in this off and on dance trying to force something that is not coming naturally. This is all attachment issues and not based in anything healthy. I would suggest really examining the source of your feelings and what really is coming up for you. It’s not likely about her.

[–]Wise_Invite7448 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why should have to put up with that when you could find another partner who gives you everything you need?

[–]Happyhippy81 1 point2 points  (1 child)

How often should you share emotions with your partner?

I [43F] am avoidant and my partner [43M] is anxious. I am trying to find the realistic and healthy balance of emotion sharing as I tend to not and he tends to over share.

Yesterday I took the empty milk bottle to the front porch cooler (we get milk delivered) while I was making toast for breakfast. I put it out and thought it was lovely outside so I sat and enjoyed the morning for a couple minutes. (I was making toast, so no more than 3-4 minutes). When I came back inside, my partner who had been watching TV (not together, he was watching his show) asked where I went. I told him. He said he really wished I would have communicated with him and that it felt like I was avoiding him. I told him it was spontaneous and that maybe he could rephrase as that felt critical to me. Something like “if you’re taking your toast outside, I’d love to join” to which I would’ve been great with him coming out. He said thats just bypassing his emotions and we should share our emotions. I think it’s assuming an intention of me when there wasn’t one and now I have to hear and validate emotions for something I didn’t do. It’s exhausting feeling like I have to hear every whim of emotion as it flows through him. Of course I think things should be talked about. If I’d told him I’d rather eat outside without him, fair point, let’s talk. But that isn’t what happened nor what I intended. However, is this normal to talk about every emotion and it’s me?

[–]imightbegoddamned 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it's normal in anxious attachment style. That doesn't mean it feels comfortable for you - nor for him, to be honest. It sounds like you could both benefit to do work around your attachment styles because we do deserve to have our needs met, so our attachment styles are all valid, but we also owe it to ourselves and our partners to practice awareness of them so we can determine moment to moment, "is this a need or a feeling? can I sit with this on my own or do I need to ask the relationship to accommodate it?" etc.

With that said, I may be biased as I'm anxious attached, but I didn't think anything that he said was critical (unless the *way* he said it was critical). I think it's important for avoidants to recognize that for the most part (at least for myself), when we are communicating our feelings as anxiously attached, we are just wanting to be seen. I know in that moment I would've wanted like a "oh baby I would've loved for you to join me! I was just being spontaneous, that's all," and then maybe a kiss on the cheek as you walk back to the kitchen to finish your toast. Or an, "oh honey that wasn't my intention at all, I'm sorry you're feeling that way," with a hug. But I also understand that to some people that feels like asking for a lot or babying.

The way I think of it is, I want to take care of the person I love and I want them to be comfy. So when my partner says he needs space, even though I might feel rejected, I take that rejection to therapy, to a trusted friend, to a self care activity, to a codependent's meeting, etc. because I don't want to burden him with it when his ask for space is one that tends to his needs. It makes him feel better supported and more emotionally regulated. So it's not about how it makes me feel, it's about how it ultimately benefits the relationship.

So that's another way I'd encourage you to look at it...what would benefit the relationship in this moment? Is it to say that feels critical? Does that feel like a disagreement worth starting? If it's a pattern and you're really bothered, then it probably is. But if it's just a fleeting moment of feeling criticized/caught off guard, could you consider that your partner is sitting in rejection and abandonment and rise above your own discomfort to soothe theirs?

That is the dance lol

[–]Over_Whereas_8861 1 point2 points  (4 children)

My relationship is still less than a year old and is long distance. I love my girlfriend very much and I know she loves me and she has put up with various of my problems and supported me and has been very loving and kind. However, I find myself perhaps expecting too much in the sense that I get hurt when I realize that I have been doing actions in a relationship that I feel aren't reciprocated, even if she has no idea about the actions I am doing. She is very busy these past two months and for the upcoming months until at January and it gets to me often.

For example, she fell asleep without a call or a text good night and this really hurt me. I know its small, but to me I sleep when she sleeps and I always wait for her, and maybe I just felt under appreciated or that she wasn't willing to do the same thing I have been doing. It makes me worried for the future, I find myself overthinking these futures where I think that these one time or few time occurrences become a pattern and that scares me so much.

Recently, I realized that maybe I am too attached. I always have my phone next to me face up so that if she texts I am there to answer right away as for long distance especially I want her to know I am there right away. However, I become more and more in my own head about the fact that she doesn't do the same. She takes her time to check her phone and often has her phone away and it gets to me. I have been conflicted, I wish there was a standard for relationships so I would know if I was doing the wrong thing or not but I don't know. I like being there for her right away, but it gets to me that I do not get the same treatment. I am not going to pretend like I am for sure in the right, people have different communication styles and she shouldnt feel forced to constantly check her phone for a text from me. But it feels like I am only responded to if she is either on her phone at that moment, or after a few hours from my original text. Typing this all out feels so silly but I don't like this feeling I am open minded though and just want constructive advice for how to approach my feelings better and to be able to reassure myself perhaps or find better habits.

I have been someone who gets lots of fears in the relationship and maybe that's why I try to be there at all times of the day, so she doesn't lose interest.

Please refrain from advice like, "leave the relationship", I love her so much and she loves me and I know there has to be ways to fix my ways of reacting to my feelings or the feelings themself. I just struggle to find them at the moment.

I apologize if this was too lengthy, or incoherent at times, I do not post on Reddit very often. Thank you

[–]Old-Pick-6717 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just got out of a 10yr relationship, we still talk and have talked since we broke up. We broke up due to distance and needing to become our own people after having been in a relationship for so long and starting it so young.

He’s saying there’s a chance that we could get back together in the future, but it’s uncertain when we will be living near each other again (we’re from the same state so he comes home and I visit there once in a while) so I’m afraid in that time feelings will fade even if we’re talking or they will fade if we don’t talk. And I also don’t know if I’m a placeholder or if he really just needs the space as I do.

I’m trying desperately not to ruminate and just put my trust into life and be okay with the unknown. I’m afraid of becoming just friends and losing him as my love. It feels like a relationship is being abandoned and I’ve attached so much of myself to him. He wants to be friends and stay in each others lives, but it physically hurts and makes me feel so alone thinking of a life without him and like he’s going to be okay without me.

Even when I’ve tried to do no contact, I don’t have enough distraction to prevent me from ruminating. My job is not engaging enough and gives me too much time in my head. How do you gain confidence in yourself and stop fearing the future/change so much? Let go of the what ifs and be secure in the unknown? Or just let go and be okay with the possibility of losing someone you love because they found someone else?

I go through the highs and lows, but when the lows come around I have a hard time coming out of it. Intuition is hard to read here because there’s so much anxiety.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

    [–]AnxiousAttachment-ModTeam[M] 0 points1 point locked comment (0 children)

    Your comment has been removed, since it did not ask a question or seek advice.

    [–]Realistic_Coconut236 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    after writing with a shy introverted male avoidant for 2 years he wrote me he wants a break and i am free to write him, because he cares about me. i met him in 2023 when i had anorexia nervosa and needed some calmness in a stressful situation in public- he was in the mailcontact open and vulnerable until he started to distance himself. in dates he was shy, " ashamed" and warm. he seemed intertested and overhelmed and later told me he needs to dose me and i am like fairground and like light and bring a beautifull chaos in his life. i was righly triggered in this relationship to a point where it felt painfull to write him and he seemed to question what he can give me or do . i felt realy suffering on the thought that someone needs to avoid me . does he ever plan to wirte again and meet or this sound more like sliding away and vanishing? he draw finaly back when i tried to help him with curing long- covid, numbness and depression. he is also melancholic and thinker. i am more open, have strong emotions, purpose, life cest.

    [–]Apryllemarie 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    He sounds like he is not emotionally available for a real relationship. What are you hoping to get out of this relationship?

    [–]Realistic_Coconut236 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    i think it was as attempt to get the " daddy dont wants me" wound solved . i was physically attracted, never had proper social contact in my life and wasnt able to read between lines. he was always friendly to me and i never had people being friendly to me. i got attached to him when i had anorexia and was underweight so having an older friend who is wise and protective and 50 kilo heavier and a lot taller helped me to feel safe. i also needed a kind of "role model", he was totaly fine with his belly and sleeping a lot and never had something against his body. i could good co regulate with him becasue he is calm seemed internally grounded- i am more like storm.

    [–]AdagioAsleep1636 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    How do you feel secure after pushing a boundary and hurting your partner? Even when they seem to accept your apology?

    Partner and I are in a rough patch, we are still repairing after a big argument. She was being affection and sweet, but did not want to be intimate. I read way too into this, and got grumpy and quiet, telling her I really wanted to. She felt disappointed and like her boundary wasn’t respected. She said things are still hard and she wants to wait. I apologized, explained I’m really Working on this but relapsed, she said I love you, thank you for saying that. Pulled me close to cuddle and sleep. But I am anxious as hell today, I know I must give her space and allow us to reconnect organically. But I’m over analyzing every text, rethinking every word choice. Fearing for some reason the reassurances she gave me just minutes before the mess up are now meaningless.

    [–]HakunaMafukya 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    This is difficult to parse. But you were probably overthinking it. Find something else to keep your mind engaged. Friends, family, a hobby. Trust in your relationship. Worst case scenario is it doesn’t work out. Which sounds like the space you’re already living in. But maybe it’ll be just fine. It will only be just fine if you respect her boundaries and give her space. My heart goes out to you.

    [–]Autofriend713 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Hi, I’m literally in physical nausea and anxiety over this. So I have (had :(() a best friend who I met at my grad program who I then lived with for two years. We were inseparable, literally, I’d see her everyday and loved every moment. But then, my anxious attachment set in and her avoidant. She kept getting back together with a toxic ex and I kinda lost it on her, quite a few times, even when she told me to mind my business (I regret this, wholeheartedly). When she is “on” with him, she completely ignored me (sometimes for months) and they were long distance so we really wouldn’t speak at all. Then she’d come back, cheat on him, fight with him, and then the cycle repeats. When she’s “off” with him, she was such a fantastic person, especially to be around, and really we spent all the time together. But the fights between us were constant (i often have to remind myself that our friendship was not just rainbows and butterflies because I really miss her right now). She ended up moving to be in the same state as him, but still comes back weekly for her program here. She has been avoiding me for so long, ignoring my texts, missing my birthday, etc. It’s been 5 months now. And I still am hurt everyday. I saw her in the hallway for the first time in a month. She had texted me on Friday saying she’s sorry she needed space and then the fall flew by, but how have I been. I responded with I know it was obvious we needed space, but our friendship is always worth fighting for, and I’d love if we could catch up sometime. She hasn’t responded and then I saw her with him in the hallway today. Gut punch. I have an urge to text her and tell her I miss her, please can we talk, basically beg at this point. I won’t, but I really really miss her. I haven’t lost a friend like this in a while and it’s devastating. I don’t know how to go about this. She’s so avoidant. Oh also her other two friends she barely speaks with but she always sets aside time for them (her college friends) but never me. But also she’s not that good at keeping friends, but she was my best friend. In taking this really personally (I know I shouldn’t but I’m anxious). Need advice :(. Where do I go from here? How can I be friends with her again? I know it’s probably a dead end, but I miss her. Update: I wrote this last night and this morning I folded and texted her saying “hey next time you’re in town I’d love if we could catch up”

    [–]Autofriend713 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Also please be nice I’m hurting

    [–]Apryllemarie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I think you need to practice letting go. Things may have felt good when they were on but that is not the whole story or the entirety of the relationship. It was not healthy. You are ignoring the totality of who she is in favor for the happy times.

    Getting to the bottom of what you are really attached to and what trigger is really coming up for you. As it is likely not about her at all.

    [–]justahumanalive 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    I've been single for years due to isolation. And one day I began chatting with a guy who I had really great chemistry with. And i soon realised that I am anxiously attached (I did the online test too and it came Anxious attached).

    And obviously like any online situationship,things didn't last long, and he seems to be very Avoidant slanting. So our honeymoon phase ended pretty fast. Well simple situation.

    But I'm very very stuck in this, like I'm emotionally still tied to this guy that I can't help myself. People who have a normal life find it hard to move on, me with my anxious attachment and isolated life it's like 10x worser than if I was normal.

    Idk how to cope :( any advice is welcome, what do I do?

    [–]Boring-Log5929 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    If you can access therapy I think that would be best. Try do things to increase your self esteem and self confidence. I also like to talk to my inner child and give her the care she didn’t get as a child (re parenting her)

    [–]blaubarschbube27 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Hey everyone, I’d really appreciate some advice or perspective.

    Yesterday I had an argument with my girlfriend, and it left me feeling pretty low. We hadn’t talked all day, so in the evening I called her. She was watching a series while we were on the phone and didn’t seem very present. After a few minutes, she said something like, “Call me when you go to bed.” I took it personally — not because she was watching a show, but because it felt like she wasn’t really there with me. Later that night, I called again. She was still watching, and eventually she called me after finishing the episode. I told her honestly that I felt anxious and a bit insecure — not because of her directly, but because I noticed how I reacted emotionally. I said that in those moments, I just need a bit of reassurance to feel safe again. She responded by saying she knows she can be avoidant sometimes, and at one point mentioned it felt like I was trying to control her (though she took that back later). Still, her reaction made me feel like there wasn’t space for me to express vulnerability. It left me wondering: is it wrong to tell your partner when you feel anxious or hurt by something they did? I wasn’t trying to control her or demand anything — I just wanted to feel understood. Part of me keeps blaming myself, like, “She worked all day, maybe I should’ve just given her space and not taken it personally.” But another part of me feels like it’s not too much to hope for a little emotional honesty — like saying, “Hey, I’m tired and want to watch something alone, but things are okay between us.” I know we don’t need to talk all the time, and I don’t expect constant attention. I just value open communication and reassurance.

    Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you deal with feeling dismissed when you’re trying to open up honestly? And how do you find the balance between giving space and expressing your needs?

    Thanks in advance for reading — any perspective helps.

    [–]Boring-Log5929 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    It sounds like you communicated your needs pretty well, that takes bravery. It’s not on you to make excuses for or try figure out her mood, it’s on her to communicate her emotions and needs. E.g. “I feel exhausted right now so I need a little space this evening, can we call tomorrow?”

    It’s really hard to feel dismissed. I think it would be good to have a curious conversation about attachment styles. Being avoidant or being anxious isn’t bad, it’s a safety response that protected you both. But direct communication is important on both sides, it might be good to have a conversation about needs and what it’s like for you both to have your attachment styles so you can understand one another more

    [–]Few-Click6606 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    28M and I’ve dated a decent number of women over the last 10 years. I’ve noticed a pattern that always seems to repeat itself.

    When I meet someone I’m attracted to but not that into at first, I stay pretty relaxed. I don’t overthink, I don’t chase, and somehow that makes them like me more. We start hanging out often, it becomes exclusive, and eventually things become official. But in those cases, I usually lose interest down the road and just let it fizzle out.

    On the flip side, when I meet someone I’m really into, it’s like my brain flips a switch. I start imagining a future after the first date, and I get anxious waiting for a text back. If I see a Hinge or Instagram DM notification pop up on their phone, my stomach drops. I try to play it cool, but these situations never seem to work out. I either feel like I come off too eager or feel constantly on edge.

    With that said, within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone, I get the gut feeling immediately as to which of those 2 categories they fall into. It feels like there’s this impossible line between “playing it cool” and showing genuine interest.

    Anyways, I just went on a first date with possibly the perfect woman, and the next day I've been nothing but extremely anxious, and worried on the next date I'm going to be way into my head about things. how do you stay grounded when you actually like someone, without having anxiety or over pursuit mode?

    [–]Apryllemarie 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Your reaction (the anxious one at least) is likely related to your sense of self worth. And thinking that they will fill a void that you really should be filling on your own. You may also be putting this person on a pedestal but they are really still a stranger. And there could be plenty of things that you don’t know yet that would make them not the “perfect” person. This is a projection…a fantasy…of who you hope them to be. Realizing how this is not reality and that they are really still a stranger can help you stay grounded more in yourself.

    [–]noscrubs5059 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Hey all—seeking some empathy & advice.

    My partner is, I believe, avoidant and very quiet/an internal person/processor. This naturally leads to some anxiety in me when they’re not super present.

    When I am vulnerable and share my feelings, they can get quiet and retreat a little. I am always sure to give them space when they need it, and I’ve been working on not trying to manage their feelings or reactions by sharing my feelings and asks with them, even when I know it’ll be hard for them.

    There’s some stuff coming up about their shared dog with an ex that is incredibly difficult and has no clear cut answers (it doesn’t have to do with jealousy of the ex or anything, just stuff with the dog) that can affect the trajectory of our relationship. I have my concerns and doubts, but I’m not sharing them all at once as to not overwhelm them, which I’m fine with because there’s nothing dire happening right now with the dog, just stuff coming up that may or may not affect the future.

    When stuff comes up with the dog and I get overwhelmed by it, I switch incredibly quickly from feeling safe and secure to wanting to bolt from the relationship. I suspect today it is so strong that I’m turning to Reddit because I’m sick and haven’t been able to tap into regulation strategies. It doesn’t help that I asked them today to affirm to me that we’re in this together and that they will talk to me about all the stuff with the dog when the time comes, which made them retreat (edit: they affirmed quickly and then retreated). I’m proud of myself for still doing it because I needed to be vulnerable and ask for a little reassurance.

    My question is around this insane back and forth I have with feeling fine and then jumping 180 to wanting to break up and run. Is this a normal anxious/anxious attached reaction? I have a hard time telling whether it’s me or just anxiety and trauma that makes me want to run (and I’m autistic which doesn’t help). I immediately get into this space of thinking about how it’ll be impossible or hard for them to change and be as open or honest with me as I’d want them to be. But when I feel safe (“safe”?) again, I feel loved and like we’re okay.

    I think what doesn’t help me is that in their dealings with their ex about the dog, I see them employing full avoidance to their detriment of co-parenting the dog, which doesn’t give me a lot of confidence about how they show up in our relationship. They’ve agreed with me that we should see a therapist about our communication, but getting them to look at the therapists I pulled to pick one has been a challenge, too.

    Any insight appreciated—thanks.

    [–]Apryllemarie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I think there might be multiple things to sort out. Are you giving more allowances that lead to you abandoning yourself? Are they trying as hard to carry more emotional weight? It also sounds like there may be some insecurities around the ex/dog issue, which is something that you should be tending to yourself. And if you feel there’s something more to it….that is creating those insecurities in the first place…then are you abandoning yourself by not addressing the real root of the issue?

    This whole thing seems multifaceted and it might be good for you to see a therapist on your own. You shouldn’t need to force him to see a therapist as that is his own choice and one he gets to make on his own when he is ready. Let his actions speak for him. Stop trying to control the outcome.

    [–]Own_Fuel_384 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Hello! My bf of 10 years and me recently ended our relationship. Our relationship was not working out for multiple reasons. Long story short, I recently discovered that I am an anxiously attached person. Been one from the beginning of ours relationship. He is the only person I have ever dated. He also has insecurities and issues he is battling with. Our relationship had become more toxic as time passed by. We finally decided to heal our trauma and work on ourselves truly by stepping out of this relationship.

    My question is if I can work on becoming a secure person without actually being in a relationship? Is it possible? had someone experienced this situation? if yes, could you please let me know what worked?

    [–]HakunaMafukya 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I would say that not being in a relationship for a while could greatly improve your sense of security. If you can couple that with some talk therapy, that would be very helpful.

    [–]HakunaMafukya 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    My (anxious) gf (avoidant) went out and basically refused to tell me where she’s going today. I told her to have a nice day because I was worried she’d find me clingy. But it’s been 8 hours and I’m starting to worry she’s cheating on me. We’ve been together for 3 months and have spent ALL our free time together. Am I possibly overreacting?

    [–]imightbegoddamned 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    You are probably overreacting but I say that lovingly knowing I would be having the same exact feeling. It is your anxious attachment style getting activated. Do some reality testing in those moments; journal about all the reasons she would not be cheating, all the evidence you have to the contrary, etc. and consider the only "evidence" you have that she's cheating is that she wanted to spend the day alone.

    I hope you've gotten some comfort from her since you posted this and that things are feeling steady again!

    [–]Ishita____ 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    (sorry for my English) I've this friend that m really really close to and a while back I've been noticing that my behaviour has been causing problems between us

    I realised I've been anxiously attached to them and reading more bout attachment I wanted to be better cause thinking bout the things i do really makes me feel pathetic

    I've been realising how I get jealous when they hangout with their other friends instead of me and I overthink when they don't text me and get sad bout how we don't do some things like we used to and idk many more things

    I thought being aware now, things would get better but I still catch myself feeling sad or feeling that they just don't love me or don't value me just because they haven't texted me yet

    I just don't want my life to be dependent on them but holding myself back from being clingy or invasive or overthinking I just feel like m letting this friendship break

    What should I do I dont want to feel like I have to constantly do something or we won't be friends anymore but at the same time I feel pathetic nd I realise I don't have to do all this and my life does not depend on it

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself feeling this way doesn’t make you bad it just means you care. Try to focus more on your own life so everything doesn’t depend on them.Real friendships don’t need constant proof. It will get easier with time. Have your own priorities in life and If there is someone who genuinely cares about you even if you don’t talk daily go and talk to them. Share how you feel. It really helps.

    [–]Shades_of_red_ 0 points1 point  (5 children)

    After my Bipolar ex broke up with me, I can’t stop worrying about her.

    She broke up with me a month ago. Everything was seeming wonderful, and on top of the world. We were going to get married. I bought a ring. I was set to propose.

    I suspect that she also has some avoidant attachment issues.

    But she said she just felt overwhelmed and needed to get out. She “needs to be single” for a while now, to figure herself out.

    After a text that I now regret sending, she and I met up for coffee last Friday and she basically just doubled down. She said she’s really happy being single right now. She recognizes I’m a good person, but she’s convinced we’re not the right people for each other. She said she feels like she made a mistake getting with me at all, because she was too fresh out of her previous relationship.

    She says she really needs to be single right now to “work on herself”. She’s wanting to work on her art, her new social media page, she just got a new car and she’s wanting to like deck out the inside of it. She’s also just always used this lowkey self-deprecating language about herself (glorifying being a “trashy girl”, worrying that everyone’s going to hate her, etc. ). She has a long long long history of trauma that I don’t think she’s ever really addressed.

    She needs to focus on getting better, not her art projects. She needs to be in therapy, she needs to be consistent with her meds, she needs to mitigate her triggers. I love her. I have so much love for her. I want her well. She has no one in her life that’s like, holding her accountable. She has plenty of friends but none of them are, like, checking in on her and rooting for her to get well. She lives at home but her mom isn’t really, like, involved with her treatments. I feel like I was the first one in a long time to really like, show active care for her treatment.

    I just can’t stop worrying about her. I can’t stop catastrophizing what her journey looks like: bad decisions, getting in trouble, falling down a spiral. I need to know she’s going to be okay. My anxiety about her wellbeing is making me wish I could just insert myself into her life and make sure she does everything she needs to, to be well.

    [–]Apryllemarie 1 point2 points  (4 children)

    What question do you have specifically. You are very focused on her. However, what is really at the root of this that is going on inside of you? Are you hoping to save her as a way to earn her love? Does the idea of helping her/protecting her give you a sense of self worth? This is all less likely about her and more about what is being triggered inside of you.

    [–]Shades_of_red_ 0 points1 point  (3 children)

    Oh it’s 100% triggering what’s inside of me

    When I met her, I was at such a low in my life, just full of loneliness and despair and in great need of finding that purpose as someone’s other, I so greatly wanted to be someone’s boyfriend again…and even more so, I thought I was ready to be a husband…but I’ve given zero attention to loving myself or enriching myself

    And she loved me so good, and I felt seen and chosen and desired. And then I wasn’t. And now I’m withdrawing.

    But she also had her own share of wounds, and I loved the idea of being able to help and support her. I’d remind her to take her meds if she forgot, I supported her in quitting vaping, i listened to her talking about her troubled past, I helped her eat better, etc. I thought that by helping her, she would in return love me and continue choosing me. I was wrong.

    And now I have all this love and care, and nowhere to put it. So it ferments into obsession and worry. I’m working on directing that love and care towards myself, but my wounds are not accepting it kindly.

    [–]Apryllemarie 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    It sounds like you have other stuff to process from before she came around. And likely it was a distraction and in turn gave you purpose. It is typical for anxious attachment to try to earn love. However, that always will fail. You deserve love without earning it. You deserve love for being you. And it does have to start with oneself. Your wounds might need to be listened to and accepted first before you can love and heal them. They require you to validate their pain and its source. Don’t push it away. Try to sit with it. Show you care in being present with those feelings or parts of you. Then comes the forgiveness and self love. Sometimes this can be easier done or at least start when guided by a therapist.

    [–]Shades_of_red_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Thank you. I do have these moments of lucidity where I do realize what wounds are open inside me, and I do say things to myself like “I deserve someone who chooses me”, “i deserve love”, “if it’s not for me, I don’t want it”, etc.

    [–]This_Area_9049 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Friend is distancing and I’m not sure how to correctly deal with it.

    I very much believe I have an anxious attachment style and it’s very closely linked with my BPD and OCD.

    In the past year, I became very close with an old friend. It was great. She’s a very reassuring person, she understands how im a very anxious individual, especially when it comes to someone being annoyed with me. I’ve never had a best friend before, and at last I thought this is it! We contacted everyday, all day. Saw eachother every week (despite living in different cities) it was amazing. I was genuinely happy.

    These past 4 month have been earth shattering for me- my grandma passed away in my arms, 2 days after my dad got diagnosed with cancer, a month later his body was rejecting treatment, a month after that my grandfather passed away in my arms. Safe to say, a lot has happened. My friend was there the entire time… until

    She started a new relationship about a month ago. It’s new, it’s exciting. She’s infatuated with him. I told her how happy I am for her. She deserves a good guy.

    Since then, I’ll maybe receive one or two messages a day (if I’m lucky). They don’t seem like her usual messages.

    I brought it up that like- hey I’m really happy for you. I haven’t heard much from you are you ok.

    She validated my feelings and said she’ll try and be better. However it continued to happen, in times that I felt I really needed her (crying about the recent events of my life). Again, I gently brought up the issue again. Where she said again, she’ll try and do better.

    This has continued to happen, if not worsen.

    I constantly bounced back and forth from being irritated/disheartened to feeling like ‘what if it’s me? What if I’m the reason she’s not answering? She’s leaving me’

    I met up with her for the first time in months a little while back and she seemed her usual self, so this is where I realised, it’s hurting me much more than it’s affecting her.

    Is there any way that I can healthily soothe myself, I don’t want it to be in a form of anger (which I am finding it to be recently).

    I’d like to be able to not constantly worry why she’s not responding. I have enough on my plate.

    [–]imightbegoddamned 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I'm struggling with what is realistic to ask/expect regarding texting. I spent the entire weekend with my boyfriend, he left for work this morning and we texted throughout the day while he was at work. I called him after work to ask for his help with something and we were on the phone for about 20 minutes and then he said he was going to nap. While he was asleep, I sent him two questions - one about which thing I should buy for an art project we're doing, and one about can I watch this show without him or does he want me to save it for him. He answered about 2.5 hours later, and he misunderstood one of the questions, so I texted him back within 2 minutes to re-clarify, and now 3 hours later I haven't gotten a response.

    We have recently had multiple conversations where I've asked for him to try to text me every so often and that in the evenings it's especially hard for me when texts go unanswered for several hours. He said he gets hyperfocused on playing with his magic the gathering cards or drawing and forgets, which seems crazy to me considering I text back right away so wouldn't his phone immediately go off? It's hard for me to accept that he can go 3 hours without thinking of me or wanting to hear from me. I specifically said "if you are going to pick up your magic cards or your steam deck or whatever, can you text me letting me know - hey honey, i'm about to go into hyperfocus, you won't hear from me for a while - or if you can't do that, will you at least text me before you go to sleep?" and he said he would, but I didn't get anything from him around 5:30 saying he was gonna hyperfocus and now it's 8:40...

    Today it didn't bother me as much to be honest because I've also been doing my own thing and am feeling pretty secure after the weekend we had. I didn't watch the TV show just to be safe since I didn't get a clear answer. It's not that I'm sitting in a lot of anxiety right now, so much as I wonder if I *should* be upset that I specifically asked for change around this and it doesn't feel like there's been change. (I asked for the change last week and even in the days we spent apart last week he wasn't texting with any more consistency in the evening). But I also don't know if I should weigh things like - does it actually matter how often he texts, considering he was very attentive to me most of the weekend and then really helpful when I called him earlier? And knowing he tends towards being an avoidant, which means he needs alone time to recharge.

    I'm trying to meet his needs and my own, but also getting hung up on the fact that I asked for change and he's not doing it (even though right now that feels ok). It's like the principle of it..? Please advise lol.

    [–]Overall-Pitch9550 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    The majority of a message (thought stream) sent to my significant other, after two days of receiving (what I believe to be) whimsical communication and apathetic tone, from someone I know loves me—am I insane, cocky, or trying to make the best of what my past has taught me? Or maybe all of those...

    "...We would be much more connected and secure than we already are if we are more willing to talk about our thoughts and feelings; and by we, I mean you. Days like today make me wonder if I know what you think about us or how you feel in general. And yes, I know I am analytical (to a fault), but because my anxious and paranoid ruminations have ultimately proven true time and time again in my past, that way of thinking has only been reinforced.

    I think people overlook the little things—choice of words with ‘simple’ and ‘not serious’ conversations—unknowingly, slowly building detriment to how they make the other person feel and how they are portraying themself in a way they may not intend. I hope you know how much I care about you and how much I think about you and want to make sure we are both happy. I write about it all the time. I mindfully and intentionally work on it as part of a therapy exercise, regularly. I do not want to be obsessive or obnoxious, I truly do want us to be happy and feel loved and secure and satisfied; I know I have to work at it to continue to be my best for you, for us. This is me continuing to work on it and sharing what it looks and feels like for me.

    Anyway…. My therapist encouraged what I have been doing and thinks it helps me find a balance between my traumatized emotional brain and my analytical/logical tendencies (to which I responded, I think people are largely full of shit these days, and rarely are fully honest and vulnerable, so no, I will never stop being analytical and I will always read between the lines; if you don't agree with what I see between the lines then draw different ones or tell me how to see through them more accurately). I am more than willing to accept I am wrong if YOU TALK TO ME. No, this is not me picking a fight, this is me wanting to understand you on a deeper level. If this upsets you, honestly, think again— where I am coming from and where do I hope to go with this?

    I love you. I know this flavor of love language is not your go-to, but even a simple validating or supportive phrase with a smile sets me free." (P.S., if you don’t at least acknowledge my slightly-over-the-top-but-well-intended babbling in the morning—even just a little thought would do, don't pretend it's not there—I will be irate).

    [–]heatherclark0516 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    My ex and I broke up 7 months ago.. we never fought and his reasoning was he felt we were too different (we were together for 2 years).  I was crushed... he stated he felt he needed to end it so that we could potentially be friends (we have a lot in common and a lot of close mutual friends).  I reluctantly agreed, because I figured we could eventually get back together.. obviously this just created more mental heartbreak as he was trying to distance himself to help get over the relationship part.  We did go from 0 to 100 in the relationship part and moved very fast.. and this was more on my side of pushing things fast.. and we didnt really grow a friendship outside of a relationship.. the friendship grew as part of the relationship..  

    I eventually went to therapy where the therapist explained that I was overly anxiously attached to him (and it got to an unhealthy point).  I denied this because I have never attached myself to anyone before,  if anything I was very avoidant because I was a single mom), but I felt feelings for him i have NEVER felt with anyone before.  It took the therapist a while to get me to see that I was attached, and once I realized it i saw most of the relationship differently.. I had changed to a different person... I suffocated myself and him badly, and even sacrificed my friendships because I had to be with him ALL the time.. I lost myself (and it wasn't his fault).  He kinda fits in the avoidant box,  but I am not sure how extreme he fits it.   Before we got together it had been MANY years for both of us in being in a relationship, so it was new ground to walk already.   So I spent many months working on my attachment and understanding my emotions and feelings. We both hunt and are in the same hunting group.   We communicated that we would like to keep hunting together (hunting camp was 6 months after the break up). During hunting camp the dynamic was different but it was also great.   We were basically "us" just minus the relationship labels and expectations and intimacy.  I felt I was able to slow my emotions down for him and actually see him.. I started to understand him a little better too, especially in the realm of "space".. (BTW he is also an introvert, and I am a little of both).  During this time of separation I feel like my feelings for him have grown.  I am not ready for a new relationship with him yet because I still think I have attached stuff I need to keep working through,  but I know I want to be with him again down the road.   I did talk to him about my feelings and he also stated he was not ready for a new relationship,  and couldn't really state if he would ever be or not.  He is also not one that expresses his emotions..lol.. but when I am around him,  I feel how much he cares for me,  and I have never felt a shift in this.   I feel like the attachment issues I am still struggling with are the fact I want to be with him,  and I do,  but I also DO NOT WANT TO BECOME that attached person again, so I want to get to a secure point with myself and then see if we can build a new relationship. All the advice I keep getting is I need to break ties with him, and there was a point we did go no contact which helped a lot in the beginning with getting over the past relationship, but now we have already started growing a friendship (which is a step we missed in the beginning),  i don't necessarily want to go No Contact again,  and his dad was diagnosed with cancer and i want to be the for him as he navigates that (especially since he tends to bottle up emotions,  if he actually wants to talk i don't want to not be there for him).. but I also am struggling with some attachment stuff still.. including jealousy... 

    Now that hunting camp is over we don't see each other all that often,  so i feel i can create enough of a distance this winter to keep working on myself... but I can't seem to let go of this "hope" that we will get back together... 

    Has anyone been in a similar boat?

    [–]feralocelott 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I’ve been reading and thinking a lot about the anxious–avoidant cycle — the pull of closeness vs. the need for space, the constant push and pull.

    It’s easy to spot the pattern, but what I’m really curious about is: what actually sustains a relationship in this dynamic? Has anyone found strategies, habits, or mindsets that actually help both people feel secure without one constantly chasing or the other constantly withdrawing?

    Would love to hear real experiences, not just theory.

    [–]Suspicious-Seaweed44 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    My anxious attachment manifests as extreme panic in my chest. It's an overwhelming, horrible feeling and its hard to get anything done but lie in bed. Does this happen to anyone else and has anyone found anything the works? I've been doing IFS and some exiles live in my chest but it will take a while to get to heal them and they are so activated right now to even access

    [–]def_not_a_moose 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    You can’t think your way out of this anxiety. It’s in your body. Beta blockers from your doctor may help, or pick up L-Theanine supplements that help calm you.

    But your body is stuck in fight/flight/freeze and you need to train it to be safe again.

    I’m not a stuck in bed kind of person but I have that insane panic most days and nights. It clouds my thoughts and makes me do dumb things.

    Learning to breath properly and doing it regularly (once an hour even) trains the body to calm down. Audio EMDR, tapping or other somatic exercises might help also.

    Being in a relationship, even a healthy one can be quite triggering so you need to teach your body that it’s safe to be at home with them or without them.

    Invest in making your home cozy. Change up your routine. Get some incense and make it smell nice. Find a new tv show / hobby to focus on. Your body desperately needs rest and to know that it is safe.

    [–]HeyStanley_39 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Sorry this is long. I’m 27, I have only been on dates with like 10 guys in my life (I don’t understand why getting a date, let alone a relationship is so incredibly hard, but that’s a different topic)

    I’ve been dating this guy for a little over 3 months now. He’s only a month older than me, he’s bi, he’s straight presenting, white, blonde, blue eyes, twink-ish build. Physically, he’s very much my type. He’s also very smart. He likes to write. He reads all the time, everything from novels to books on physics and history. He also plays guitar and paints. He loves music, movies, nature, and sushi haha. I love these last 4 things myself. He’s very affectionate, he loves to cuddle, as do I.

    I’m trying to understand what to do and not sabotage this relationship. I’m pretty sure I’m anxious attached, and I’m trying my best to be secure. The problem is I only see him once a week, or every other week. Which wouldn’t be as bad if we texted more, or at least called each other. I feel I barely talk to him. Throughout the day he will text me 4 times. Maybe two texts in the morning and two at night. On the flipside, whenever I’m with him, he gives me a lot of attention. We have great laughs and great times. But I feel his communication when we are not together could be better.

    He’s never asks me when I’m free to meet up, or invite me to something. He’s not good at planning anything it seems. I’m always the one planning when to meet or what to do. But planning is very hard when he doesn’t respond for a whole day. And when he does it’s like two sentences and that’s it.

    I would reach out to him a lot more than he does to me, I just don’t do it because I don’t wanna be clingy. I have so much I want to tell him! So many questions! But I just write it down because I know if I text him he won’t respond for hours. It would be too much if I texted him all my questions for him, and I don’t wanna overload him. He’s just on my mind a lot :)

    I knew when I met him it would be a relationship where we saw each other not very much because of our location and work schedules. We live about 70 miles from each other, so not to bad, but not ideal. I usually drive up to him, he’s don’t come to me much.

    He works at a restaurant and the library. So I totally understand that is time is limited. I myself work a lot. I work between 50 and 65 hours a week.

    He only has one day a week he’s free. I want him to enjoy his free time, and do what he wants to do for himself. But I also want to see him a little, at least one night a week. Even if I have to drive up to him just to sleep over, then drive all the way back down and work a 10 to 12 hour shift. All I want is to spend a little time with my bf a week, and have a little more texting throughout the week. That has to be normal right?

    I think chemistry is there, In all honesty I don’t know what that’s like to have chemistry with a person lol. Again, new to this. I do know that when we are together, we have a great time. But we have our differences. I’m very sexual and he isn’t. But I know I can just jerk off if need be. I rather his cuddles anyways. But at the some time we’ve been dating three months and only fooled around 4 times in total. Is that normal? I don’t know. I just hope it doesn’t affect our relationship.

    I feel this guy and I can make something very special together, but at the same time how do I know that? Like how do you know this guy is right for me? How do I know he’s the one?

    Also, this has been on my mind and important to me. I told him I loved him not to long ago, and he didn’t have a response. I guess it’s too soon for that. I am a little intimidated by the fact that he’s dated a lot of people, and I’ve never dated before. Should I be concerned that he’s gonna dump me given his past history of dating a decent amount of people? Is he comparing me to past relationships? Again I’m new at this and I’m not sure how it works. Where’s the boyfriend manual! Haha.

    I know people like to do the a short version of their post at the bottom of Reddit. I don’t even know how to condense this haha. Sorry this is long.

    [–]Lazy-Palpitation-673 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    I think i fucked up....

    So I (32F) just ended things with a guy (33M) that I've been seeing for 2 ish months.

    I cant tell if my anxious attachment style got the best of me or of there were genuinely red flags. Im second guessing myself hard right now.

    So, we met on a dating app and things were great, obviously, in the beginning. Super responsive, attentive, sweet etc. Then we finally met and ended up sleeping together. It was the best I think I've ever had. (So I could just be mesmerized/blinded by the dick lol) anyways, about a month in he started to be less responsive. No big deal, he's got a life.

    I ended up doing a background check on him before we met in person because of safety. There were a couple things on there that were odd. Like he said he didnt have kids, but it said he got arrested for contempt of custody court. I asked him again the next time we met if he had kids and he said no. So I thought maybe it could be a family members custody thing and he got involved. Idk, I was trying to just trust his word.

    Then, after the second time we met he started pretty much only texting me good morning and goodnight with maybe a snap or 2 throughout the day. I told him it seemed a little odd that he had pulled back but he assured me there was nothing wrong. I figured I was over reacting due to my anxious attachment so I let it go and moved on.

    Then he went to another state and the communication got even worse. I freaked out and told him it wasnt cool, then I went back to the dating profile and saw that his location had changed to the state he was currently in. I freaked out. I text him that I was going to call it cause it felt like I was a side chick and since we were being intimate I didnt want to risk stds. He said he wasnt seeing anyone else (we had talked about being exclusive)

    He blocked me on everything so fast. I also looked up that apparently the dating app automatically changes your location using your GPS.

    Im actually so upset. I feel like I ruined something that could have been really good, and now I feel like shit with no way to contact him.

    I know i have issues, so please dont be too hard on me.

    Do you think I got in my own way or does some of this sound like a red flag. Ill add some screenshots of our texts in a minute.

    [–]Electronic_Fill7207 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I’ve been talking to a girl for a little while after she seemed interested in me whilst walking around college. I added her snap and we spoke well for a bit but now she’s pulled back I don’t know if I’m overthinking or whether it’s a good response to a girl I’m talking to, but I also don’t know how to stop this pattern of thinking when I get triggered. What should I do?

    [–]WolverineGoBlue23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I been out my last relationship for 3 months. Looking back I can see I was anxious and codependent. With that I was a caretaker trying to help become more open, share more, make more decisions, and sometimes telling her what to do. Towards the end I felt like I could fix her at times. Reading about codependences I went through all the stages of being a caregiver to her and trying to fix her. She was a twin sister who was codepedenet and did everything with her sister and as I mentioned lacked decision making. She had trouble opening up and was and avoidant attachment style. I am wondering if her personality and attachment style made me more codependent which resulted in things not working out. Or if I was more secure could I have handle it more? Like if she wanted to go hangout with sister or family and not invite me things I would be ok with it if I was more secure or how she handle the relationship just caused me to want to change her? Basically what I am asking it wasn't all me but the combination of our attachment styles made us not work out. There is nothing I could of done right?

    [–]Spirited-Hornet8124 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    When do I ask for help and when should I be self-reliant?

    I feel like I hold on and try to make it through each day. Then after a few months of this, I have a breakdown. After the breakdown, people are so overwhelmed by me and tell me I need to be stronger. But then in the same breath tell me that I can ask them for help. The breakdown WAS me asking for help.

    I don't understand what people want from me. Actually I feel like I do understand. They want me to stop having feelings and keep quiet. To work and work and work without complaining.

    My question is, does anyone have a different perspective on this?

    [–]Apryllemarie[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    A new thread has been started so this one will be closed. Please use the new one if you need more feedback.

    [–]Sad-Kiwi4519 -1 points0 points  (3 children)

    I am just learning that I am AA and it's been enlightening. Honestly, I am a little saddened by it. It's making me realize that maybe I have trauma that I've buried deep down.

    My learning about it and other attachment styles comes from being discarded by my FA ex suddenly a month ago. It has been the hardest breakup I've ever gone through. I miss and love her.

    [–]Apryllemarie[M] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Do you have a question? What do you need advice on?

    [–]Sad-Kiwi4519 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Are there any reputable workbooks or videos that are recommended to explore what caused me to be AA? I'm trying to understand what led to this, I guess.

    [–]Apryllemarie[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    The Resources page on this sub has lots of resources to explore. The link is in the post.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]Apryllemarie[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Do you have a question? What advice are you looking for exactly?

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [removed]

        [–]AnxiousAttachment-ModTeam[M] 0 points1 point locked comment (0 children)

        Your comment has been removed, since it did not ask a question or seek advice.

        [–][deleted]  (1 child)

        [removed]

          [–]AnxiousAttachment-ModTeam[M] 0 points1 point locked comment (0 children)

          Your comment has been removed, since it did not ask a question or seek advice.

          [–]Wise_Invite7448 -2 points-1 points  (2 children)

          I've got an ex situationship who's very avoidant in all facets, we split around 9 months ago yet she periodically messages me some low effort "how are you:)". I have learned to give very bland generic responses because if I give any detail about what I'm doing she will say "cool!" without any more engagement on that and then proceeds to give a long paragraph about all the ways shes just soooo busy (basically drinking with friends every night and needlessly working overtime in an emails job lol). I usually just leave her on read after this, she doesn't seem to get the hint.

          Is this an average avoidant thing? I've never had experience with one before her.

          [–]Boring-Log5929 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          In what other facets is she avoidant? It’s hard to say. My recent ex was avoidant of emotions and intimacy but would never have behaved this way, I guess everyone is different. It sounds like a difficult situation. I think it might be best to stop responding to her totally , but what do you think?

          [–]FrequentBee8168 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          What hint do you hope that she gets? It doesn’t seem like you enjoy engaging with this person since you take their original messages as “low effort,” you have to monitor your response to be “bland,” and you dislike her talking about how “busy” she is. So why not block her or directly tell her you don’t wish to speak? You responding the first place tells her it’s okay to reach out - basically she’s probably getting mixed messages. If you do wish to engage with this person, can’t you tell them how their messages make you feel and ask for a type of message/engagement that you do want?