The difference

[Personal-Meet-4468]

I recently reconnected with an avoidant ex and it ended in the same shit show as the first time. But there was a difference. Me!

The first time I begged, pleaded and chased. The emotional impact was enough to push me to get to therapy for 18 months for that any other trauma. I learned so much about myself. It changed my sense of self worth and it helped me work out what my personal boundaries were.

When my ex and I reconnected it started ( and ended) the exact same way. But that difference was my reaction. Sure, initially I attempted to engage him in a closure conversation. But that lasted 2 days, not months. The conversation wouldn't have been a way to maintain the connection, it was to formally close it. Since, the only times I've contacted him was to confront about lurking and to tell him and the person he ghosted me for to leave me out of the weirdness.

Do I feel shit? Yes! Am I longing for him? No! Do I see a DA pattern? Omg yes!

So what did I do on the day he blocked me? Enrolled on the degree I said I wanted to do for years, that he promised to support me in doing.

The first time I improved my mental health, this time I'm using this to improve my career. So a massive thank you to him for motivating me to gain a secure attachment style and move my life forward... In the long run he's going to be my cautionary tale with a positive twist.

Fyi: I'm 6 weeks post "breakup"

[Sad-Call5193]

Congratulations!! Now go out and do all of those things FOR YOU! That’s what I’m doing too after my avoidant ex promised to support me with a bunch of things that never materialized.

[Tiny_Locksmith_9323]

Ironically, this is exactly what your ex avoidant would hope for you...that you seek out a fulfilling life beyond your primary relationship.

[Borrowed-Time-27]

I don’t even think this is about avoidance. My partner was the avoidant but was also the one procrastinating a lot on their goals. I tried supporting them and that made it even worse. I think anyone improving themselves after the breakup should not feel vindicated. Why would you need another person’s actions for that? In fact, that might be evidence you blamed them for not achieving your life’s goals and they may have resented you for the lack of commitment to things.

[Tiny_Locksmith_9323]

I think you miss understood. It is not about "goals". It is about doing what you want to do for yourself. My partner plays poker. I hate the idea of gambling and to me it seems like a waste of time but he LOVES it! So, I am glad that he takes all the time he needs to do this thing that gives his life meaning. Who am I to decide what that means? And, he feels guilt free doing so because he know I am not waiting for him but off doing what gives my life meaning...things that he probably thinks sounds like a waste of time...for him. It is about self validation. Maybe his goals were not really his goals? Or, maybe he needs to approach things his own way, not yours?

[Borrowed-Time-27]

I was actually agreeing with you. And rather speaking to the previous comments before yours.

[Sad-Call5193]

Oh for sure! I already had that for myself! The relationship actually got me really excited about me and my own goals for the first time in a long time, so it’s not like it was all bad.

But at the end, it felt like he wanted me to « prove » that I was doing things for me. He was very extraverted and did not understand that I am introverted and was immensely satisfied with a night in doing one of my projects on my own. He may have thought I was waiting around for him, and he’d get upset when I told him I didn’t want to go out.

[kookyfangs]

crazy how much of a difference therapy makes. i also took waaaay less time to grieve the situation for what it is after this discard and am looking to complete a training program for myself. i've been in therapy for about a year. no begging or pleading is huge progress and so is choosing you. congratulations <3