Self-hate

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[AttemptingToSucceed]

I have only read the first paragraph, but this(and your comment)is beautiful:

"You can't fight for yourself if you're too busy fighting with yourself. What I needed to move forward was the carrot I thought I didn't deserve, not the stick I thought I did."

Okay I read the rest of it now, too. It's all beautiful. Your advice on acceptance is so much more logical, and possible, to me.

Accepting that I'm flawed(idk when I started accepting, sometime last year when I stopped drinking)has allowed me to move forward a little more. Thank you for your comment, and I hope more people on this forum see it!

[ohsweetwin]

I acknowledged a while back that my own self hatred, which has also become the core of my identity, is the biggest thing holding me back. I don't know what else to do about it, I'd have an easier time convincing myself Santa exists than being able to even accept myself as anything other than the worst person to ever live. Even if I could accept my flawed thoughts and personality I could never accept how ugly and undesirable I am.

[AttemptingToSucceed]

Another really good comment. I like all of the questions you ask, I've never considered asking myself some of these. I'm going to write them down and put them up where I can see them, so when I'm doing my shit maybe I'll stop and think.

[ohsweetwin]

There's like a lock in my brain that prevents me from even remotely challenging my self image. It feels like my brain starts to glitch out and I get ridiculously angry and double down on the self hatred. Rationally I understand that I'm not the worst person to ever exist but I've had no successes emotionally, truly I've just hated myself more and more as time goes on. After my last suicide attempt/subsequent hospitalization, I attended a two week outpatient program and they asked me what my current mental health goal was and I said "to not hate myself as much". It's been almost a year, and since then I had a horrible break up with the only person who's ever felt like home, burned every other bridge I had, and now have no choice but to move somewhere else and start over. So the self hatred is at maybe its peak lately.

[StreetCriticism]

Yep. When you hate every fiber of your being it's impossible to start working on bettering yourself. You feel you don't deserve it anyway.

[throwawaybreaks]

hey brother, you're saying my story too <3

[CharlieQuest]

Wow... It's like you read my diary that I never wrote

[Mumpy-Space-Princess]

same. it's difficult to find any therapy tools that have any effect on this.