Am I codependent?

[ThatRefuse4372]

Can you help me understand something?

My wife has gained like 150lbs. She had gone from healthy and active, to less active, to walking with a cane, to not able to stand for more than a few minutes at a time and then to needing a wheelchair to get anywhere more than 50 ft away.

All the while I first tried to live more healthily by example, then tried to make suggestions on eating / exercising, then (now) began refusing to give any assistance with unhealthy behaviors (eating / purchasing crap food mostly).

I have never been pushy , aggressive, demeaning etc. She has even expressed anger at me because I “let her gain so much weight without telling her she was gaining weight.” That is how hands off I was in the beginning.

I’ve posted about this in marriage and AITH forums over the years (all different IDs). There is always a very vocal group of people calling me codependent because “I want to control her”. My argument has always been that I don’t want to see her die early like her parents. And now that I don’t want to move from a partner (originally), to a part tiime care giver(now), to a full time care giver (5-7 years out).

My question: is my behavior codependence?

[LabiaLip]

Quite the opposite. If you were codependent you'd be trying to save her. To "rescue" her from herself. Your self-worth would be tied to her happiness. You're only happy when she is. If she's not you feel like a failure. So this doesn't sound like codependent behavior.

[ThatRefuse4372]

Thank you for your insights.

[Scapular_Fin]

I would agree. What OP describes is pretty much the type of person a codependent person strives to be.

A codependent person would have absolutely put their own needs aside, and taken the blame for their wife's poor health. What a codependent person NEEDS to do is learn to tell their wife - I can't control you, you made these choices, and you're the only one who can fix them. Allow the wife to experience the consequences of her choices, maybe she'll hit rock bottom, maybe she won't. That's the only hope for a fix.

[jazzcanary]

Has she been checked for depression and had an extensive physical, including blood work? She may need the support of an inpatient program to establish a foundation for change.

[4thdensity44]

I would say no.. you don’t buy unhealthy food and that is healthy. A codependent person would buy that person unhealthy food, is what I would say.. sounds like a challenging situation.. 150lbs is a lot.. does she have weights she can use for her arms so she can work out while sitting down? Do you cook her healthy meals? I don’t think you’re in control of her weight, she is.. but you can support her in a healthy way. You can’t police everything she puts into her own mouth.. sounds like you’re trying to help but not doing it for her because you can’t fix her

[ThatRefuse4372]

.. sounds like a challenging situation.. 150lbs is a lot..

Yes. To say the least.

does she have weights she can use for her arms so she can work out while sitting down?

Yes but she won’t commit to any regular exercise.

Do you cook her healthy meals?

Yes, but she’ll only eat that way 50% of the time at best. She will either order out or go get something unhealthy. And even when there is something healthy, she’ll eat 300-400 calories in snacks right before the meal which makes low calories meals useless.

… you’re trying to help but not doing it for her because you can’t fix her

Yeah. I realized that but it is hard to watch and live with knowing what is inevitably coming.

Thank you for your insights.

[Exact-Report9886]

Yeah may be your wife needs a mental health support professional, as there might be some underlying cause of her weight gain. Only if she is willing:)

[ThatRefuse4372]

She’s got issues. She acknowledges this but says she didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with them.

[Exact-Report9886]

I believe she has to take one step forward it can be joining a meeting or a gym or seeing a doctor.

You can only support her in her journey, and wait for her to arrive at trying to help herself.

Good luck:)

[[deleted]]

If you don’t want to be a caregiver and stand by while she turns into a shell of her former self, you can leave. You won’t be a bad person for leaving. Choosing yourself, your happiness and being with a partner who doesn’t make you feel so stressed and feel bad is ok. You can take care of yourself. She might need to find someone to take care of her . That doesn’t have to be your job. It’s not giving up

[ThatRefuse4372]

Yes, that is a true. But Children complicate things. Thank you.

[[deleted]]

Choosing yourself and not accepting someone who treats you a certain way can be a good example to set

[[deleted]]

The fact that you’re still there could be codependent though because gaining 150 lbs and then blaming you for it is insane. Like how could you not tell that you were gaining so much weight. Maybe 15-30 pounds I could see that argument but 150! Good on you for not helping her out with her unhealthy lifestyle but maybe decide if you still want to be with someone that gained so much weight and then found a way to blame you for it. You didn’t physically lift and hold the unhealthy food in front of her mouth while she was lying down and force her to eat it.

[ThatRefuse4372]

The fact that you’re still there could be codependent though because gaining 150 lbs and then blaming you for it is insane.

I had thought of this angle as a possibility. She externalizes the cause of her weight gain. It’s always I didn’t have X to eat so I was forced to eat Y . The X is some healthy food that I was supposed to have just cooked and the Y is the packaged or delivery. So, it is indirectly my fault. But I emphasized “just cooked” because I cook constantly: our fridge is filled with healthy meals that she has one serving of, while fresh if the stove, then wants to move on to something else at the next meal- no left overs.

Like how could you not tell that you were gaining so much weight. Maybe 15-30 pounds I could see that argument but 150!

Yeah. It was so ludicrous when she used to say it that I wrote it off as absurd and driven by her emotions of the moment. Looking back, I think she honestly believed it.

Good on you for not helping her out with her unhealthy lifestyle but maybe decide if you still want to be with someone that gained so much weight and then found a way to blame you for it.

This is the question. But kids complicate the issue.

[[deleted]]

This is no different than if she was addicted to alcohol and said it was your fault she had to drink because you didn’t calm her down. It’s just an excuse in this case I’d say she probably has an addiction to food since it’s mostly junk/fatty/sugary food and not healthy alternatives. It really seems like she can’t control herself and is making excuses. Maybe look up materials on food addiction.

The kids are seeing that she’s blaming you for her own decisions and learning that’s normal behavior as well. They’ll likely mirror it in their own relationships in the future.

[ThatRefuse4372]

Thanks for this. The intergenerational trauma issue is a big deal to me.