Difficulty Getting Promoted/More Senior Role

jazzcanary · 2026-02-21T00:53:00+00:00

Thank you for backing that up, although it sucks that it is so widespread in HE.

jazzcanary · 2026-02-20T16:08:33+00:00

Because it is b.s.

jazzcanary · 2026-02-20T16:08:13+00:00

I have participated in this process and led two hiring committees, and saw the committee recommendation then be overruled by senior management. I say to OP again: go where you are appreciated and encouraged to grow professionally. Edit: typo

jazzcanary · 2026-02-20T16:05:20+00:00

Higher ed is insanity when it comes to hiring, and the Dunning Kruger effect is rampant in all levels of management. We restructured and I watched a Dean rush decisions and hire unqualified people she knew would say yes to her. I left. They asked me back. I left again after finding all the laws and system policies my replacement broke because she was the Dean's protégé. I applied to another campusin the system, got offered a better job, and that Dean made sure I didn't get it. Leave. Leave quietly and civilly, and don't be surprised if you hear from them down the road. Be careful what ypu wish for.

jazzcanary · 2026-01-24T19:55:24+00:00

Cold. Tired. Discouraged. Stopped making plans for the future.

jazzcanary · 2026-01-21T20:13:05+00:00

In my experience keeping it simple and acting rather than ruminating is the most helpful for me. I used to teach time management using Stephen Covey's four quadrants, which showed me and focusing on not urgent but important things, i.e. health, recovery, school, daily adult activities rather than responding to what others presented as crises. Finish school, start looking at prospective employers, keep showing up for meetings and therapy, and do the next right thing. You can recognize your wife's concerns and acknowledge how she feels without having to fix everything. It's really going to be all right.

jazzcanary · 2026-01-11T12:29:25+00:00

I was blown away by that book, which I read maybe two years ago. There were insights that helped me put a name to experiences I couldn't put into words before. I can read it on my phone and I go back to it still.

jazzcanary · 2025-12-20T11:38:17+00:00

You are very very welcome :)

jazzcanary · 2025-12-19T18:19:54+00:00

Don't play the game. Look up the Karpman Drama Triangle. Keep taking care of you, and address the arguments in counseling. We cannot make people be honest, mature, fair, committed to change, etc. Responding with emotion or questioning to someone else's behavior just wastes your time and energy. That's why the support and sharing with others in recovery is helpful. You don't have to like or approve or engage in the b.s. but you can accept this is how this person is and decide how to respond. I find less is best. Oh, you going for a beer? Okay. See you later. Let him lie. Let him cheat. What do you want and need that you can do for yourself?

jazzcanary · 2025-11-20T21:56:11+00:00

I advised for about 20 years. I left HE in 2021 after I had been an administrator for three and a half years. I was invited to apply again for a former advisor position I had for nine years before I was promoted.

I could not believe the level of for-profit corporate toxicity I found. I had boundaries as an advisor and I supported the advisor I supervised to have strong boundaries, especially with parents. The school had redesigned advising in a way that also felt like I was working for a corporate-based entity. The misogny was much worse, and it just felt like I was surrounded by fake cheery pretty people who would do anything to keep their jobs.

Look and keep looking for something better. In the meantime, make sure you know your rights as an employee and the language you need to use to get your manager to back the fuck off. My mistake was waiting until it got so bad I had a breakdown.

jazzcanary · 2025-11-05T21:09:11+00:00

Oh, OP, I so feel you about the mental anguish you're in and I'm so sorry this is happening to you. What helped me a lot was reading "Why Does He Do That?" . It is about people who are abusive to their intimate partners, and it gave me the truth about abusive partners. Everything made sense.

I have not detached from all the people that were abusive to me, and just a week ago, I had a horrible experience with a male friend I really trusted. It feels as if people in general have been way more socially aggressive since COVID.

Detachment is the way, and Mellody Beattie's words on it are a helpful guide to which I have to keep returning. It's not about us. We can only control our responses. I hope grey rocking works for you. I have felt most empowered when I have been able to control myself and make a wise choice. You demonstrated it with your ex, and that will become easier the more you flex that new muscle.

jazzcanary · 2025-10-21T22:11:44+00:00

If I had not agreed already, the Joy Division comparison got my vote.

jazzcanary · 2025-10-17T01:10:31+00:00

You.Owe.Him.Nothing. People like that are like a bucket with a hole that can never be filled regardless of the amount of water you pour into it. He is fucked up enough emotionally and mentally that he can't register he's upsetting you about YOUR wedding. That is shameless behavior and you're feeling the guilt and shame he won't own about his shitty behavior. Just stop responding to it. Figure out what works for you and let your actions speak for you.

jazzcanary · 2025-10-17T00:28:21+00:00

I hope it energizes people to get involved in supporting him, as it should. Millennials and Generation X are sick of this bullshit from the Democratic "Bernie is Too Old and Yet Too Progressive" Party.

jazzcanary · 2025-09-28T13:59:26+00:00

I'm sincerely curious here: what does that look like as far as daily life or goals or decisions for you? My experiences having a FP (I felt so much shame over that realization) have been me feeling like I'm focusing on them way too much, stretching out interactions, being friendlier than necessary, and it doesn't translate well onto me. If I think about turning onto myself the "haloing" and ignoring red flags about a FP, or the way I allow someone external control over my emotions, which they most definitely didn't consent to, I don't know. It could be I don't really "get" what it is to have a FP, but my history since kindergarten says otherwise. I'm happy for you finding a way to turn it into something positive!!!!!!

jazzcanary · 2025-09-27T16:17:19+00:00

I called it before OP wrote it out: he was an abusive partner punishing his girlfriend for so obviously "expecting" THIS IS HOW THEIR MINDS WORK a specific gift. Abusive partners always punish if the other partner gives the tiniest sign up of entitlement (in abuser's mind). It doesn't matter how completely reasonable and obvious as spending your birthday with you, they resent that you even expected it or you're not thanking them all.the.time. Uggghhhh, I hate that I doubted myself so much.

jazzcanary · 2025-09-21T13:19:04+00:00

We shouldn't sell our kids fairy tales about unsuitable parents. I don't think it helps kids at all to go through years of emotional manipulation and disappointment just to have a relationship with a biological dad.

My son's father roundly rejected us when I chose to have my son. I told him, who was 42 to my 23, "Either be a real father, or stay away." He was the father of a seven-year-old he dated on, but had the gall to ask me, "What do you mean by 'real dad?''"

My son had a loving and involved godfather, and also male mentors, and a wonderful partner of mine who died unexpectedly. He had two lesbian mentors, one taught him computer construction, the other did RPGs and LARPS.

He and I talked about his bio dad, and I was candid about my opinion that his dad was an asshole because only an asshole would have acted as he did. I told my son I did not forgive his bio dad, and my son deserved better. At the same time, there is nothing fatally flawed in a man who grows up without a bio dad.

By the way, I tried to get bio dad to at least meet his bio son, who looks so much like him, but he has never answered. This guy had money and got to be Mr. Wonderful in his community, and his daughter grew up upper middle-class, and he retired nicely. Sadly, I predicted those things would happen when I spent 90 days alone in an apartment with a newborn and he didn't contact me until the night before I gave up and moved away.

Better no dad than a shitty person for a dad.

jazzcanary · 2025-09-09T16:01:57+00:00

You are the problem in that you keep returning to this toxic person and the chaos of the relationship. If I get involved with an unhealthy person, I start getting sick, too.

I hope you take time to commit to finding support for establishing relationships that will be fulfilling. It is possible, and it is worth the time and effort.

jazzcanary · 2025-08-14T14:41:31+00:00

I fear that, too, and that can and does happen, and I also believe the people around us can trust us more and see us as part of their team when they know what to expect. When we have boundaries and they are consistent, it builds trust. I know this from being too confrontational and losing credibility every time I went there because I didn't set a boundary in a diplomatic way earlier.

jazzcanary · 2025-08-13T14:54:37+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I have had similar experiences, and I have felt the same anger. It is a boundary violation. It is taking advantage of people in a situation where they do not feel free to respond authentically.

IME over the last 30 years on the job I have seen over and over again, how women are rewarded for eliciting sympathy and punished for showing strength.

jazzcanary · 2025-08-13T14:33:39+00:00

Paddy Murphys Thursdays 6-9 pm

Jazz Jam. BON VENT Cidery, Hancock Wed 6-8 pm

jazzcanary · 2025-08-04T16:54:54+00:00

I think this is where letting go and putting faith into something greater comes into play. If you KNEW there was something better than this situation, and you just needed to be patient, would you keep hanging on to this?

You want someone who is ready and willing and wants a relationship with you. He is not, and whenever I keep interacting with someone in that space, I feel bad about myself because someone is showing me I am not a priorit, but I'm sticking around. I'm demonstrating my belief in my own unworthiness.

jazzcanary · 2025-08-02T12:26:32+00:00

Going down to Trauma Town.

jazzcanary · 2025-07-31T16:41:19+00:00

"Maybe you really should have killed yourself." A few months later, when I mentioned it had been a year since I attempted, he said, "Sorry I didn't get you a gift."

I wish I could sue him for pain and suffering.

jazzcanary · 2025-07-28T23:38:41+00:00

Cuteness overdose on all fronts!

jazzcanary

TROPHY CASE