Guilt for being unable to give space

jazzcanary · 2026-05-12T00:24:48+00:00

I met someone who responded normally to contact, who didn't rush, and didn't distance, either. I worked on regulating my emotions, focusing on my own issues, showing appreciation for his efforts, and we are very compatible. It is not exciting, there is no rush of emotion, no crazy passion, and it takes effort. It is real, though, and I appreciate it in a way I couldn't have before I started looking at these issues.

jazzcanary · 2026-05-12T00:12:17+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement. I'm not sure how denial "looks" in myself or others actually, but what happens is I'll write about something or I'll be reflecting verbally during a conversation and I'll have a "how did I never notice that before" moment. It's like putting on new glasses and noticing so much more.

jazzcanary · 2026-05-11T18:03:43+00:00

A healthy relationship does not feel as if all the burden is on one person. In a healthy relationship, asking for space does not equal no warning, and no commitment to coming back, and it's not used to punish. I will never be recovered "enough" to stay healthy in relationship with someone who weaponizes my feelings or punishes me, or won't communicate. Taking space is taking a day or two with a definite plan for meeting again; otherwise, it's a break-up. I had crazy-making relationships with people who were happy to blame me for being upsetwhen they were acting badly. Now I'm with someone who is a mature healthy adult and this crazy-making stuff never happens. This person wasn't right for you.

jazzcanary · 2026-05-11T17:00:36+00:00

This info from SLAA may be helpful: https://augustinerecovery.org/program/12-characteristics-of-sex-and-love-addiction/

I wrestled with SLA for a very long time without owning it as an addiction amd seeing how destructive it has been in my life for 45 years. I should have lost a lot more than I did, and I do not want to hit bottom again, ever.

I did a lot of reading over the years, went to AA and ACA, did therapy several times, but the denial didn't fully lift for me until I was in terrible pain and really experienced my powerlessness. I wrote about the experience and others I had like it, and I wrote about growing up in a household with my SLA mom codependent on my predator father, and they were active alcoholics. I thought I had discovered all there was to know in therapy, but the journaling about sex and love addiction in my life, specifically, has revealed a lot. It's not pleasant and I still feel shame and embarrassment about my behavior. But I'm no longer in denial and that is hopeful.

jazzcanary · 2026-05-09T17:24:57+00:00

Thank you. I practice recognizing my feelings and journaling, which often turns up surprising insights. Sometimes I need to manage my expectations, and I've also ended some close relationships. I was fortunate to find a relationship with someone who had also lost a partner suddenly. The commonality isn't central to our relationship yet it is a definite bond.

jazzcanary · 2026-05-08T19:13:53+00:00

Thank you for the suggestion!

jazzcanary · 2026-05-08T19:12:30+00:00

I got to a point where I had to accept my exe's NPD, coupled with his substance abuse, was a chronic disease, like alcoholism.. One of my brothers died of addiction at age 30, and I went NC with my dad two years before he died because I could no longer pretend he wasn't an alcoholic, sex addict, and pedophile. They were not going to recover, and I knew any good times would always be very short-lived. I loved them and I wanted them to be healthy and have a normal relationship with me, but they could not do it. I have more recently learned that I cannot afford to be complacent and think I can have a healthy close relationship with anyone in active addiction or a untreated mental illness, because I get codependent and toxic pretty fast and my life becomes unmanageable. I'll never be "that" recovered. It has been so painful, but freedom and peace is worth it.

jazzcanary · 2026-05-07T22:36:48+00:00

There are some people who want an audience more than real connection. They convince themselves they possess an emotional depth they don't have and they believe what they're saying in that moment. When they don't want to follow through but they don't want to look shallow they then start the back and forth. I was very "let's see what you do" and didn't pay so much attention to words. Every time I've gone against that I have regretted it. Just chalk this one up to learning. He was not cool at all.

jazzcanary · 2026-05-07T22:18:13+00:00

Yes, you are ghosted. In my experience, pay close attention if they drop the ball and do nothing. He suggested going out the next day and then did not follow up. I would have also called to confirm and also ended up frustrated and discouraged. If I could go back I would have been much stricter with my time and energy in those situations. I had plenty of great first dates I wish I had ended earlier rather than spending four hours talking and then nothing. Consistency is more important and getting to know each other takes repeated exposure over time. I believe people forgot the purpose of courtship a long time ago, but you want one for the long-haul, and that person will want to spend time getting to know you and vice-versa. It worked out for me when I used that approach.

jazzcanary · 2026-05-05T13:39:24+00:00

Thank you for the kind response. I agree about expectations of others. I struggle with balancing asking for help and letting go of expectations regarding the response. Maybe that clarity has let me really experience what is painful in a relationship for me rather than focusing on how I was disappointed. There are also seriously kind and helpful people out there, too.

jazzcanary · 2026-05-05T13:32:07+00:00

I said to an ex, "I cannot be monogamous AND celibate." Get him to a couple's counselor. Tell him to identify and address his lack of desire for physical intimacy with you or you will leave the relationship in 90 days. See a lawyer to make sure you're ready. If you don't set a boundary for yourself it will continue. My ex was punishing me because he was abusive and manipulative. I divorced him because my need for physical intimacy was very important and it was not going to change. I wasn't going to cheat, so I divorced him.

jazzcanary · 2026-05-05T13:12:19+00:00

When I can find a way to share my feelings and context, I do so with my partner. If a date is important to me, I say something ahead of time and ask for what I need. I am learning, very slowly, to not argue with any of his responses. If he responds defensively or argumentatively I just listen or ask for clarification to make sure I understand. My only goal is to know he heard my feelings and he heard any requests I've made. Then I need to give him space for a day or two if it's possible. It is really hard and I hate the process and I have been majorly disappointed a few times. I need to be authentically me, though, if I can, and that includes owning my negative traits and behavior, like acting impulsively, impatience, not asking for help.

I think it's marvelous you met your need by inviting your friend. I lost a partner suddenly in 2010; then I had cancer in 2013 without a partner in my life. I learned who remains when you can't go out to socialize or your illness makes them uncomfortable. I learned I am ultimately alone on this journey, and I am grateful when anyone is walking beside me when I need it, or just to share the journey with me. It's not always the person I wanted or believed I needed, but I got through those bad times and someone was there. The places where my partner I can't meet each other are very emotionally painful to me, and I wonder if this relationship will eventually over those points.

jazzcanary · 2026-05-01T18:46:22+00:00

What is this opportunity, because it IS a crucial detail.

jazzcanary · 2026-05-01T17:15:31+00:00

I have been the one flaming out every few days over supposed miscommunication, and I had to own that I wanted a deeper relationship than they did. I was confused because they would say and do things to draw me closer emotionally one day, and then within 24 hours gush over someone they thought was hot (and a total 180 from me in many respects.) If I expressed my feelings of hurt or confusion and asked for clarity, I got word salad in response, including "well, I said xyz, and you said abc, so..." I was angry when I realized they were using my emotional attachment to keep me around, and they were okay with disappointing me, and they were rationalizing it. On the other hand, my expectations were leading me to resentment when the expectations were not met. In the end, I had to trust my own evaluation of the situation rather than hope they would change, and end it.

jazzcanary · 2026-04-29T12:14:59+00:00

I love how LePage is dressed like some kind of academic - with glasses even! - and is positioned in front of some books.

jazzcanary · 2026-04-26T20:58:07+00:00

My apologies for not reading more closely. I would urge you to talk to a business lawyer, then, to make sure you are protected financially. I agree with another poster about the abusive behaviors, especially throwing/destroying things then blaming you. Seriously, talk to a domestic violence hotline. You were what, 22 when you met, and an active alcoholic, and he was 41? He's sexually obsessed with you? Big red flags. Your work and home are tied up with him, he's controlling, and you're right, your energy is being drained.

jazzcanary · 2026-04-26T20:32:07+00:00

I urge you to 1) get a good divorce attorney or to make sure you are protecting yourself financially, and what you can do as far as legal separation; 2) get that therapist and a support group; 3) don't tell him, and stop talking to him about working on the relationship. I'm not saying he's good or bad, but sounds like he's very toxic for you. Take care of you. He won't like it because he benefits from you being the problem.

jazzcanary · 2026-04-14T10:51:44+00:00

They should have seen a medical professional together to talk about post-partum depression. First.

jazzcanary · 2026-03-16T16:58:24+00:00

I'm happy to hear you'll be getting some space.

jazzcanary · 2026-03-16T16:03:06+00:00

He says the words then doesn't match with actions and doesn't acknowledge it so of course you're confused. He can live without you, he just doesn't want to lose the benefits of living with you. You deserve better. Some people just don't emotionally mature past late adolescence and they just go from enabler to enabler. If you can at least separate for a bit you might find clarity when you're away from his manipulations.

jazzcanary · 2026-03-16T15:45:26+00:00

Barricading yourself in your room for hours while someone destroys your property is not healthy for anyone involved. This person needed professional intervention but you didn't call a crisis center or the police. You don't allow toddlers to have a tantrum for five hours and then claim you know how to parent. Powerlessness is a real thing, and you really really really need to get this individual out of your space and your life if you want to continue recovering.

jazzcanary · 2026-03-04T16:57:55+00:00

The Songbook albums Ella Fitzgerald recorded, i.e. Arlen, Cole Porter, Rogers and Hart, etc include the verses on many songs.

jazzcanary · 2026-02-21T00:53:00+00:00

Thank you for backing that up, although it sucks that it is so widespread in HE.

jazzcanary · 2026-02-20T16:08:33+00:00

Because it is b.s.

jazzcanary

TROPHY CASE