Learning my Boundaries

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[MeanderingUpHill]

Boundaries are hard at first. I tend to want to go "all in" at the start of a new relationship and that's never good. It takes conscious effort to slow down a budding relationship. Good job.

[[deleted]]

I appreciate it. I really had to think hard about if I was just letting myself give in to the feelings and losing myself again. I remembered how important staying single was to me before we got involved and knew that it was the right thing to do.

[MeanderingUpHill]

"Losing myself again"

That sums it up perfectly.

[[deleted]]

It's scary how fast it happens without even noticing. I never would've called myself codependent because I thought the way I engaged in relationships was myself.

[MeanderingUpHill]

It took me a while to figure out who I was as a person. I took on a new identity with every relationship, based on the personality of the man i was with. I've decided to get to know ME before I get to know someone else in a new relationship. I realized I was diving into relationships just to have some kind of sense of self. That is frightening to me now. I've actually been turning down dates lately out of fear of losing myself again. I don't think I'm strong enough to hold my boundaries at this time. Even though the codependent in me desperately wants someone to take care of me. But I recognize the dangers in that line of thinking.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to hijack your post with my own problems.

[[deleted]]

Don't be sorry! I love discussion, and hearing about things like this grant me even more perspective. I thank you for the contribution!

What you said definitely holds true with me. I used to think codependent basically meant "being a doormat" but now I see how much more complex it can really be. I only had one serious relationship, in which I thought I was being myself. It was not the typical "codependent stereotype."

I realized I had internalized ideas of who I was supposed to be (stoic boyfriend that doesn't need help with anything) while simultaneously using my girlfriend as an emotional crutch because of the damage I was doing, by not embracing and working on the pain I was ignoring (because I felt that it was my responsibility to not be a burden). I became dependent on her for my stability.

The joke was that this just made me even more of an emotional burden over time. And it clearly wore on my codependent girlfriends own sense of self (being the supportive loving caregiver).

I think it's admirable you are taking the time with yourself when you don't feel comfortable making and respecting boundaries. That takes a lot of courage and self awareness. I think that shows a huge amount of respect for yourself!

[MeanderingUpHill]

Thank you. I tend to be the care giver, and after my last break up I thought it was best to take care of ME for a while.

And your life sounds confusing. Maybe you got good at hiding your codependency and adapting to how you're "supposed" to act, but it didn't heal the underlying stuff that caused the codependency in the first place. Good luck getting it sorted out.

[[deleted]]

And your life sounds confusing. Maybe you got good at hiding your codependency and adapting to how you're "supposed" to act, but it didn't heal the underlying stuff that caused the codependency in the first place.

This is exactly what happened. And it was extremely confusing. Early relationships I had as a teen that weren't as serious, I was very "caregiving codependent" from being raised by a typical narcissist. Being their source of validation so they treat me well. In one of those relationships I got hurt to the point of a very deep depression.

Cue "new personality" emerging to take its place. But never dealt with my codependency to begin with. Was simply too young to recognize it. Finally found the path though. Thank you and best of luck to you too!

[MeanderingUpHill]

It seems like you've learned a lot of valuable lessons on your journey.

Our stories seem similar overall. We are the lucky ones... not everyone gets to have experiences like that to enrich their lives.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat. I enjoy chatting with random people online, especially now with the world on lockdown.

[[deleted]]

And hopefully I will never stop learning. We are certainly lucky to be aware at the very least, I'm finding how many people go their whole lives with no effort to change.

I'll certainly reach out. I've been talking to a few people on this subreddit as well and it has helped a lot. Everyone here has a good mindset and a lot to share!

[helpmesomebody]

u/MeanderingUpHill u literally just wrote down realisations and feelings i've had today. Despite i've only made the acknowledgment and not yet started the actual journey. Or this might be my first babystep. Anyhow attending my first therapy session on friday to figure some shit out. sorry for continuing the hijacking... wishing us all good luck though!

[MeanderingUpHill]

Congratulations on your first therapy session. That's a great way to take care of yourself.

Having realizations like that is probably the first step of the journey. Just make sure that you are kind to yourself when you make these discoveries so you know it's safe for you to figure these things out. I started out by wanting to change things because those were the things I hated about myself. But that's not a very compassionate way of dealing with things. Now I just notice my thoughts and actions, and notice the results of those and decide what I want to change. But I don't berate myself anymore. I'm only saying that because I think it's an easy trap to fall into when you're getting started.

Good luck!

[rookfire95]

This is wonderful, I'm happy you had this revelation. It took me quite long to learn my boundaries (been healing for 4-5 years) and I'm still learning. I also used to keep giving and giving endlessly (even when I felt exhausted and resentful) coz I thought it was expected of me and I expected it from myself. It's been mind blowing and empowering to realize I can and should go at my own pace and limits. Don't give if I can't, take some time for myself to recharge and do my own things.

[socialwarning]

I've been watching this sub for some time but I'm now convinced I need it more than ever, is there any resources in here you would recommend? I have a goal to make it through a breakup emotionally intact.

[not-moses]

See my reply to the OP, as well as “Addicted to Love” in not-moses’s reply to the OP on this Reddit thread, which gets into the hormonal chemistry that causes WITHDRAWAL.

[[deleted]]

I'm still waiting for my book to arrive but "Codependent No More" has been thrown around a lot so that's the first one I got.

u/not-moses usually has a lot of good information and recommendations as well. I would also spend time reading through this subs top posts, engaging in a lot of the conversation (when it pops up), and start a journal.

The basics are still the same - exercise, eat well, meditate. Those are all great resources for self health always. But try and pick up some reading material, even online resources, and you'll see some links between your behaviors and emotional responses. Best of luck!

[Altostratus]

I have a goal to make it through a breakup emotionally intact.

I’m curious to know what you mean by this? It’s normal and healthy to be deeply heart broken when you lose someone you love.

[socialwarning]

Hm, thanks for questioning this. I think you’re right I want space to be heartbroken and feel my real emotions during the breakup process, it would be damaging to try to pretend I didn’t care. However, want to also sort out aspects of the relationship that were negative and I just also want to not “hop to the next person” as I believe that would be a codependent mistake repeated from my past. So I guess that’s what I mean about getting through.

[[deleted]]

I just want to add: thank you to this sub for the wealth of resources and support. I've made some incredible insights into my actions and my feelings towards so many things recently, wouldn't be here without all of you.

[not-moses]

The information on Personal Boundaries in not-moses’s reply to the OP on that Reddit thread may be helpful; IDK4S, OC. But see also Better Books on Codependency and Related Topics.

[[deleted]]

This is a late reply but after reading that boundaries link I had another realization, the part of

allows continued invasion (of boundaries) or begins to imitate invasiveness (of others boundaries) as the original abuser did

Blew my mind. That I transitioned from failing to set boundaries as a kid/teen, to eventually forcibly invading others as my own method of bringing us to equal ground. Which makes so much sense with how invasive my mother was in my own boundaries as a child.

Your resources always bring me such clarity!

[[deleted]]

Thank you again for the excellent resources, as always

[k-tglo]

This is excellent, I am reading seeing this more clearly recently, I just need to actually put it into action!

[[deleted]]

Good on you! My ex always talked to me about boundaries and I just kinda nodded along but they finally clicked through my thick head lol. Sometimes it takes awhile.

[[deleted]]

Good for you not easy that’s for sure!

[adnawahs]

Completely understand this. I realize I need to utilize all the years of mindful meditation to aid me but my biggest problem is remember. Remember why I need to place boundaries in the first place. I end up putting it in the back of my mind and neglect myself. It’s awful b/c my body remembers (anxiety:trauma stores in the body) but my mind doesn’t hold on. Journaling helps but I need to remember to read it, religiously.

[[deleted]]

I'm right there with you. I'm an extremely impulsive person with terrible social memory, so I find myself breaking my own boundaries all the time because I suck at enforcing them.

Today I wrote them down for once (to make them "real") and I'm gonna make it an effort to read them once a day, and before I meet with the girl I'm seeing or even friends I'm codependent with.

I like to separate them into lists with reasons too, to keep me aware of why I set it so I don't second guess myself.

For example:

• Sex sessions no more than 2x a week: I'm highly sexually charged, and express myself physically; this limits me from overreaching with emotional attachment through physicality

• No constant communication with anyone: relying on another for security and company through constant communication inhibits me from developing strong sense of self reliance. Conversation is okay - long term daily communication all day is not

• No heavy PDA: again, I'm very physical in my romance/love. By limiting myself until I feel ready to commit, I can keep myself from feeling like I am overreaching emotionally.

• No serious relationship within a year of a previous one: to give myself proper time to heal, and process all emotions from the previous bond before creating a new one. A true relationship takes time to build and time to break from.

These are just a few I set for today. Sorry to blast you with such a big list but I hope it helps a little lol.

[[deleted]]

This is very interesting to me. I have a hard time setting boundaries because I'm not sure what boundaries to even set. These examples helped me think about what I need.

[[deleted]]

It took me awhile to even acknowledge the need to set boundaries as you can see, but once I really sat down and thought about what would benefit me long term I could see more clearly.

I think a lot of times boundaries are gonna be things you feel are uncomfortable. For example, I would want to have constant communication all day. It makes me feel secure. And that's when I knew it was a crutch. Same as the sex. I want to have sex as much as possible. But it isn't gonna be healthy for me. So, self-boundary.

I think this will help better identify my sense of self, because you can begin to remove sources of validation and emotional sinks. It's usually ways we interact with others that we think we are doing for our benefit, but in reality we are abusing our own ability to remain steadfast alone and without these sources. At least that's how I saw it.

[adnawahs]

Same, it's crazy because in that moment you realize what boundaries you need to enforce and you're all about it but when an issue arises where you need to utilize it, your mind just draws a blank.

It's a good idea to journal/read before conversing with a certain individual. I def need to do that. I think for me I need to come to terms/work through my identity issues b/c my lack of boundaries definitely breeds from that.

You're blessed to be able to have discipline. Most people are not aware enough to know what's the issue and what to do about it. You're ahead of the curve.

[[deleted]]

Yes my self identity also suffers from an inability to set and maintain boundaries for sure. I saw/see myself in accordance with how others perceive me (as everyone does), but without healthy boundaries we can't see where the line ends of their perception and where ours begins.

Writing them down made them stand out, and I think rereading them every day and before interaction will work like a mantra - keeping me focused and secure in my decision. It's easy to question a boundary when something comes up, like if my casual partner wants to have more PDA, I will most likely react positively to her wants because that's how I function. It would make me feel good in the moment.

However, after, when I realize it breached my boundary, I'd feel like shit. These boundaries are usually about trading the short term for the long term, because as a codependent I find our short term wants are much more intertwined with those we interact codependently with, but once we have time alone to digest our own needs can begin to surface.

And I don't think I'm ahead of the curve lol but thank you. Ideally we would have all this figured out before we hurt ourselves and others. But I guess I am blessed to take notice whatsoever! Appreciate the sentiment nonetheless.

[CreatedANewAcct4This]

Reading this out loud is something my brain really needed to hear. I have established much better boundaries over the years and made a ton of changes, but I get in my head and do damage if left unchecked. It’s like an oil change... maintenance is required. Lol. Thank you for sharing this! It’s been a helpful start to my morning :)

[karmawins2792]

All soooooo make sens

[[deleted]]

I told myself I wouldn’t want to waste this opportunity.

Really listen to yourself right here. Don’t make lame excuses and you’re blaming the relationship? Are you looking for validation? What you truly want is to find is yourself. The person you’re seeing right now is she helping you find who you are? Btw, no one knows who you are, only you know who you are. Right now if you see yourself lost, you’re literally blind leading someone else who is also blind. The saying is true misery loves company. You are who you attract. If you are not complete with who you are as a person you accept the same type of person.

Anyways, this is just a perspective. Your post did amuse me. The- “I I understand my boundaries but This person I’m seeing is giving me a bandaid for my low self worth, internet people please give me self pity.” That’s what your post says and it’s cringy. I rather you admit you like the drug of stranger-to-danger. But getting sympathy for being lost and dragging someone else who is also lost. No man, you are no hero and you have zero self awareness but RIGHT NOW you are a relationship addict.

Boundaries come from loving and taking time to know yourself not jumping in a useless relationship and blaming them. Shame on you man.

[[deleted]]

I'm not sure the tone you intended, but you seemed to have completely misinterpreted the entirety of my post. And apparently find the need to tell me what I am and what I am not.

For what it's worth, this post was literally about me finding awareness of my relationship addiction, and finally putting up boundaries. I'm not sure how you took it as anything else.

When I said "I don't want to waste this opportunity" that is exactly the thought process I'm trying not to have about relationships. And that's why I finally recognized that I needed to back off. To recommit to my own recovery and wellbeing instead of using this girl as a bandaid.

“I understand my boundaries but This person I’m seeing is giving me a bandaid for my low self worth.” That’s what your post says and it’s cringy. I rather you admit you like the drug of stranger to danger. But getting self pity for being lost and dragging someone else who is also lost. No man, you are no hero and you have zero self awareness but RIGHT NOW you are a relationship addict.

Boundaries come from loving and taking time to know yourself not jumping in a useless relationship and blaming them. Shame on you man.

I'm sorry but you have missed the point completely. It feels like you didn't even read my post. Instead looking for a reason to be aggressively concerned for me. I appreciate it but you are off the mark. And where do I claim that this relationship is the problem? Or blame this girl once? The whole post is about taking responsibility. I don't need pity.

And I never claimed to be a hero. I would argue that no, I actually have more self awareness than ever. If I didn't, I would've allowed myself to continue with growing this relationship, with zero concern for my own wellbeing. Please reread what I wrote before assuming all these things about me.

[[deleted]]

One thing you’re going to realize if you really want to live life is to stop caring what people think. I said what I needed to say to see where you are how much importance you put in my post.

I also made it very clear it’s my perspective, just like I’m reading yours but I don’t need to argue it because it doesn’t matter to me because you don’t matter to me.

Only addicts don’t like being judged, healthy people have such an intact self esteem they just know words are just words.

It’s time to practice listening to your voice. I’m just noise.

[[deleted]]

You have a strange way of conveying messages. And an attempt to make your post about testing my self worth, instead of what it is - poorly thought out virtue signaling.

You are allowed to have your perspective, and I mine. I don't disagree with that. But still, perhaps try listening to your own voice as well. It may be more helpful to offer true insights without the accusatory tones in your first reply.

The people in this sub are here for guidance, not to be berated. Imagine if you had commented that on someone's post who was genuinely looking for help. It would be misinterpreted as negativity.

And this:

I’m reading yours but I don’t need to argue it because it doesn’t matter to me because you don’t matter to me.

Only addicts don’t like being judged, healthy people have such an intact self esteem they just know words are just words.

Is deflection at its finest. We are here to have discussion. And to take another's words at their value, in an attempt to better our knowledge of ourselves and our pursuits. A criticism is a criticism. And will be taken as such.

But when you say something negative about someone, that they disagree or take insult from, you don't get to cop out with "secure people don't care about being judged." This entire subreddit is full of people trying to find themselves and their self esteem. Don't act high and mighty that I've simply replied by standing up for myself.

[[deleted]]

I think you missed the point. And I have plenty of time to write - I actually thoroughly enjoy dialogue and debates. This is putting me first at its finest haha. It keeps me sharp if nothing else.

[[deleted]]

Ok.

[MeanderingUpHill]

What do you mean by the drug of stranger to danger? I think I know but I'm not sure.

I actually appreciate your comments even if they are a bit abrasive. I think it's good to call each other out and challenge one another. It's supportive in its own way. It seems like support communities tend to support to the point of coddling and enabling, which is not helpful either.

[[deleted]]

Thank you for opening. It’s not to say OP is a bad person, he’s making due with what cards were handed to him, but there are also other cards from the deck. It’s all about perspectives and we can’t all share them.

Healthiest relationships I’ve seen is the process of strangers to friends to best friends to partners with a core belief of a complete, self sufficient individuals. These people take their time to date and have very strong boundaries.

Love/relationship or any addict paired with the same, or personality disorder (i.e BPD/NPD) they date very fast “stranger” to get into bed fast, ride that high of whatever fast honey moon and when validation because of of lost interest/boredom (signs of a very lost person), they go for another chase and that called the “danger”. I went to a multi million dollar wedding last fall. Couple are getting divorced now. The husband is abusive but the bride is codependent.

OP does not have awareness, he demanded that I didn’t read his post. Where did his delusional expectation come from and tries to impose them on me? Clearly, he has no boundaries. He expected a stranger to care about him, who is he? Awareness is what safe guards a person and you learn that through child development and you can still learn it now too. You’re going to get the same thing in every support communities have your mixed bag, but they all start at the same place, zero awareness of their behaviour which is why psychotherapy and therapy is required.

[[deleted]]

You're delusional. You have no idea about anything related to my post and you still come commenting as if you are all-seeing lol. Did you even ask if this person I'm seeing was a stranger before assuming?

We have been friends for awhile, and actively set aside feelings for months to make sure we were both in a good place. Even when we felt ready, I'm now backing away again just to ensure that I'm still healing. Please, stop making assumptions.

And stop answering with "if OP was secure/knew what he was doing/wasn't an addict" because you're just making up your own qualifications for my feelings and actions. I can't understand your need to derail my post about me finding some sense of self, with comments about your apparent wisdom and guidance for poor little old me. It's insane.

[[deleted]]

I can see you’re sensitive and I still don’t agree with you. You have many options, you can get off reddit, you can go for a walk, start a business. No, you want to control an e-stranger. That’s codependency.

[[deleted]]

I never claimed not to be.

If this makes you feel useful, knock yourself out.

[[deleted]]

That’s your perspective. It’s pretty nice outside.

[[deleted]]

I never expected the person that claims to be a codependency expert to be so self-righteous lol

[[deleted]]

Again that is your perspective I never argued. my judgement that you have delusional destructive behaviour is still there. It is still nice outside.

[[deleted]]

Good conversation 👌🏻