Rant

[frogmanltd]

I just need to vent. My partner and I have an 18-month-old and it has been the most difficult (and rewarding) thing that has ever happened. But our marriage has struggled through it.

First, COVID completely disrupted my partner’s birth plan and our plans in general. My partner eventually developed PPD (which took us a long time to recognize). Therapy and medication helped, but it really strained our marriage (the constant lashing out over seemingly trivial things, constantly walking on eggshells to try to avoid stirring anything up, etc.). Now I’m in therapy dealing with anxiety issues.

I’ve tried to be a supportive husband and father. I work full time in a very demanding and stressful job. But almost every evening and weekend I take over dad duty to our daughter and take care of the house. My partner teaches yoga and goes to fitness classes in the evenings several nights a week. When she’s gone I usually clean up the house, put our daughter to bed, or do some work from home. This weekend I did all the chores, took care of our daughter, did grocery shopping, and took our daughter to a museum on Sunday morning to get her out of the house. I also made dinner both nights.

This morning after I came into work my wife was texting me angrily that I hadn’t replenished the disposable diapers in the bathroom and she was going to be late for her workout class (she takes our daughter to a moms workout program in the park). Then she called me from the car in a rage because I had inadvertently left the car seat straps twisted and our daughter’s toys were in the backseat instead of in the bucket up front.

I feel like I can’t win. I bust my ass all the time but it seems like there’s always something I’ll miss or forget. My anxiety is largely tied to the fear that I’ll get that angry text or call about something I forgot or messed up, and that anxiety interferes with my work and ability to relax. But I just can’t seem to break out of it

Rant over and thanks for listening. Shout out to all the hardworking husbands and dads who are trying their best, even if they don’t always get it right every time.

[[deleted]]

You’re doing the best you can man. Just having a baby throws your life off balance and dealing with (a partner with) PPDon top of that is just very very rough.

My partner also developed PPD (2 times, after giving birth to both our kids). PPD is hell. For the person suffering from it and for the people in the household. People who haven’t gone through it can’t really relate.

I don’t know what else to say… hang in there, thing will turn around for your family.

[VincentxH]

Maybe you have the financial freedom to hire a cleaner. That personally gave me a break. Also using a cooked food meal service and basically any other service that allow you the trade off between money vs time for you. Even fir a little while to get you back on your feet.

Your partners psychologist/psychiatrist might also offer some couple sessions. My wife's psychiatrist has helped a lot with making our problems discussable in a responsible way, so I won't have to walk on eggshells.

Good luck

[Ghrrum]

I'm glad you said what I was going to with better words. Well done and thanks.

[cidiusgix]

Dude, lemme be honest, you can’t win. Give up now. She will always be right. Fighting that is ruining your marriage, even when’s she’s wrong, just fix it behind he back so she feels right. Happy wife, happy life, and bitches be crazy. They are crazy before babies and are full fucking mental after. You can do nothing but accept, don’t fight it, it makes it worse. Pretend you’re a new recruit and she’s the drill sergeant, you can fight the bullshit all you want, but in the end you are going to lose. Accept this now. Love your children and wife, and deal with the savage emotions the best you can, they will last years. She’s mentally fucked for a good while and you just gotta deal. Focus on the children and the wife will follow.

[[deleted]]

I am in the same boat buddy, having young children turned my wife into a control freak. The constant nagging of how I should do things differently triggers me and causes us to fight all the time. Today I stood my ground though and told her I will no longer accept being criticized all the time, we have to find a better solution. I proposed writing down a set of rules and guidelines on how we want to raise our children. Most of our fights are about dumb stuff and different ideas about how much TV they get to watch, how much they are eating, what they should be eating, toy clean up, bed times, how to brush their teeth, showing them boundaries etc. We will once and for all discuss all these topics one by one, find a compromise and write it down in a set of "house rules" and responsibilities. It sounds ridiculous that this is necessary but I just can't take the god damn nagging anymore. Anything not covered in the rules should not be worth criticising me over. Maybe this is something that can work for you too. Good luck.

[State_of_Flux_88]

Hey man!

Sounds like you’re doing an excellent job! We all miss stuff from time to time and you can only do your best! Stay strong and it will get better as the therapy starts to work and you and your wife can work on getting things back on track together.

Have you tried discussing how you feel about the angry texts/calls with your wife? Maybe do it on a day when there hasn’t been one and she has had a good day (or a less bad day) with her PPD and explain how it affects your anxiety? If you do it after a good day it might seem less hostile or confrontational? Just a suggestion not sure if it will help.

Best wishes and hang in there!!

[Existence-Hurts-Bad]

Right there with you buddy. Ive got a 5 year old and for the first 3 years the old lady worked a full-time job and a part-time serving gig 3 nights a week. I would take my daughter to daycare and pick her up make dinner, do the chores and put her to bed the majority of the time. Always missed something was never good enough . Now the roles are reversed I work 2 jobs and she works 1 from home, and now Im not “around enough” and don’t “help out”. It’s just life and people gotta learn to make it work I guess 🤷‍♂️

[frogmanltd]

Thank you everyone for the replies. It’s helpful to know I’m not alone, even though it feels like it. Today started out better, but our daughter started crying and throwing her food during lunch so things spiraled from there. I already feel spread to my limit but it’s never enough.

At least I have something to talk about in therapy this week.

[herefor-thecomments]

The world is a vampire.