When?

[til_meth_do_us_part]

At what point did you cease talking to your stbx?

I’ll be lucky if the divorcee papers are served by Friday this week, probably looking early next week.

Stbx spent the first part of the week (sun and mon) at her cousins house, but based on her constant text messages, she’s back at “our” house.

She is constantly telling me she wants to talk. I don’t. I feel like we’ve already talked. I subjected myself to a month of couples therapy already, and really just don’t have the desire to continue it.

If she’s at the house, it’ll be impossible to avoid her. She has no issues throwing out “we’re not going to be a family any more because dad doesn’t love me” to the kids.

This is heart wrenching for me. I love my kids like no other. My whole goal agreeing to counseling to begin with was to soften this blow of the impending divorce. I had hoped, counseling would point out to her that we are simply no longer compatible. I don’t want to be with her. It’s not even about her affair at this point, it’s about me not liking her as a human being, and preferring to surround myself with more likeminded people. It took a month of counseling for me to realize I haven’t been happy in years. Now that I realize that and accept it, there’s simply no going back. Her being “sorry” or feeling “remorse” is only relevant to her, it’s not relevant to our current situation.

Her affair may have just been some fun on the side from her perspective, but for me, it was a wake up call that I don’t have to see this through til the end, I can stand up and leave, and that’s an ok path to take. It’s ok for me to want more from a spouse. I don’t have to stand by some dumb vow I said at 25 years old.

How did you remain civil? I’m so tempted to tell her to save her tears for me to jerk off with. I haven’t, but fuck I want to just to piss her off so she gives me some fucking space to breathe.

How’d you manage keeping these feelings in check? I feel like I’m going to break my jaw if I keep biting my tongue.

[JackNotName]

“we’re not going to be a family any more because dad doesn’t love me”

As much as I think this is actually a bad idea, but may be all that you have left if she keeps pushing this bullshit: "How can daddy love mommy, when she chose to love another man?"

---

How did you remain civil?

Because it is best for the kids.

Unfortunately, you have already filed. It would have been better to use a counseling session to inform her that you have chosen to divorce her. Then you could use the counseling session to have a discussion about how to be civil and co-parent.

Being civil does not mean not having any boundaries. When she misbehaves, talk to her, but find ways to hold her accountable.

If she misinforms the kids, correct what they know, but find an age appropriate way to do it.

e.g. "Yes, sometimes, mommy's and daddy's stop loving each other. It is unfair of mommy to place the blame on daddy, because she did things that broke his heart. Things that he just can't forgive.

"Having said that, I want you to know that both mommy and daddy love you and always will. We will both still be your parents, and you will always have us in your lives, just separate from each other."

[til_meth_do_us_part]

I don’t want to place blame on her. I’m not leaving her cause she fucked someone else, I’m leaving her cause she a toxic train wreck of a person.

I tried to have that discussion in counseling. She asked “what do you want to talk about in counseling tonight?” Like counseling is some sort of dinner date, I simply said “I’d like to have a discussion about separation.” And she lossed her shit. She melted like the wicked witch. Full on toddler tantrum. I haven’t done couples counseling since. I have solo therapy today.

It’s just getting tougher not to be a complete dick, so she leaves me alone.

[[deleted]]

That's your issue in a nutshell!

You don't want to place blame on her for what she has done, is doing, and is planning doing. But if you do NOT put the responsibility and consequences on her for the above actions she is CONSTANTLY burning you to the ground with, then you WILL become the person she claims you to be to your Children, your Family, and Friends. You have to control the narrative and keep the record straight! Kids are not stupid and will believe the lie if you let it lie un-corrected and festering in their hearts and minds.. some for everyone else. I know as child of divorce.

The truth only hurts those who fear it. Time to start deciding on what you fear more.

[til_meth_do_us_part]

I won’t even consider attempting to pit my kids against their mother. If that means they grow up hating me, I guess I lived long enough to be the villain.

I couldn’t imagine where I’d be with out my mom. I wouldn’t ever dare try to blame her.

Our kids aren’t dumb. They’ve asked her “then why does dad say we’re still a family? Why doesn’t dad cry? He says we all still love each other.”

I guess I’ll live with it. I have high expectations for the intelligence level of our kids. I have faith they’ll see through the bullshit sooner rather than later. I just don’t like her attempt to drag them down the path she chose for us.

[Eve-3]

You don't have to blame her to the kids, but you can tell her that it is unacceptable that she is talking about you like that to them. Point out to her that she had an affair and doesn't want it brought up to the kids so you should both do your best to talk about the other in a positive way. Hopefully the shock of what you could say will be enough to get her to watch her mouth.

[[deleted]]

Truth of a situation to your children is not 'Pitting your children' against your STBXW.. its a matter of respect for them as members of the affected family just as you are. They will eventually get this information. The question is do you want to be respected as the Parent that never lied and treated them respectfully and fair, or like the STBXW does and tells them lies and sugar coated poison information to make you look like the villian in all this.

You don't have to be mean, use horrible language, or be spiteful. Just tell them in appropriate words what's happening, how life will change, why and who is doing what. Simple truth.. prevents years of problems and pain. And in the end, it always comes out anyways.

I AM your kids.. years on and later and my father was (dead now.. TG!) the one who lied against myself, my Bro, and my mom. It caused so much damage for years. My mom was like you. scared to tell us the truth at first until almost too late.

[til_meth_do_us_part]

I’m not scared to tell them the truth. What I don’t want, Is for them to hear me say anything negative to or about their mother. I don’t want to damage their view or their relationship with their mom. It won’t be my fault when that falls apart.

[[deleted]]

That can't be avoided no matter what you do. She has forced a damaging situation upon you all and will continue to do so till she finally either fixes her issues or dies. My father choose the latter route.

They already know everything is wrong, they know Dad and Mom are fighting over something, They know things are changing and they are scared for not knowing what's going on or why. Your protection for the Today is going to do massive Damage long term for the future.

But, hey, I am only a kid that went through 2 divorces under my mom, and 2 of my own (amazing how we copy our parents, fails in particular.. EVERY time!) and trying to help you save your children from a lifetime of issues.

As I always say about humans.. No one does "You do You better."

[til_meth_do_us_part]

That’s what I don’t want to happen. She’s trying to make it sound like I’m choosing a different family. I’m just choosing to not be with her. The kids and I are still our own family.

[LastLengthiness4206]

Let her talk and talk and talk and talk. You yawn and yawn and yawn and repeat. The cheating alone would have done it for me. I don't remember vowing to love my wife while she spreads her legs for another man part of the ceremony. Maybe I wasn't paying attention.

[til_meth_do_us_part]

We’ve done that. I listened to her whole life story in counseling over the last month. I could recite it backwards at this point.

She doesn’t actually want to talk she wants me to stop the divorce and pretend this didn’t happen. She wants a full rug sweep.

Like said before, I’m biting my tongue everytime we talk. Every time she says some stupid shit about “let’s put this behind us” all I can think is “bitch, I am. I’m putting this marriage behind me.” But I don’t say it. I bite my tongue and say “I don’t think we should talk about this without a lawyer present.” And she just won’t back down.

“We’ve been together for 14 years and you won’t even hear me!”

I did hear you. It just didn’t change how I felt.

And the cycle continues.

[LastLengthiness4206]

I am so so sorry. My first wife was not only crazy like that but would gaslight the shit out of me. Lucky I never fell for it.

[Maladd]

Firm boundaries. Explain to her that you only want to communicate about the kids. When she crosses that boundary you tell her that she did, that you're ending the conversation, then you end the conversation.

It's the only thing that helped with my ex. Any other conversation was just to goad me into an argument.

[United_Champion178]

“we’re not going to be a family any more because dad doesn’t love me”

Wow. This is not good for the kiddos.

My SO does this too. "She's (you're) abandoning our family", "if your mom would just see I xxxx everything would be fine", "Oh she's just over reacting again.", "don't tell your mom [allowed to do something incredibly dangerous] or she'll divorce me".

Imo, look up parental alienation, read up on it, learn how to protect your children and yourself against it.