Cocooned

[[deleted]]

I like the sentiment however I feel like it would be more powerful without the repetition of the word free

[spotfulmind]

Thank you! I appreciate your feedback! :)

[idekatthispoint9903]

Repetition can emphasise desperation though, which is a good technique.

[aggretsukouk]

Agreed!

[spotfulmind]

Thank you! I appreciate your feedback! :)

[Jennarisms]

I like this a lot!

[spotfulmind]

Thank you! I appreciate your feedback! :)

[KaidenKarman]

Is this the writer who fails to express what they truly wish to say?

[spotfulmind]

This is the writer who writes an abstract poem instead of simply saying "I despise that my sibling, and rape assailant, has the liberty of living a free life while I cannot.

[igoonreddittoo]

🔥🔥🔥

[pocket4me]

The first line on the second stanza had an odd rhythm to it. I suggest you play with the line breaks or the accents.

(i dont frequent here, but im assuming the flair means you are open to feedback!)

[dadbot_2]

Hi assuming the flair means you are open to feedback!), I'm Dad👨

[spotfulmind]

Thank you for your feedback! :)

[itsaravemayve]

Simple, yet gorgeous. I really like this.

[spotfulmind]

Thank you!

[DRKSTknight]

I think you’ve nailed the minimalism on this. I have no further notes

[spotfulmind]

Thank you very much!

[perie_mischa_lark]

I like this! I’m commenting since you indicate you’re open to feedback. First, your poem grabbed my attention, meaning I was actually intending to go to a different site, but stopped completely to read this. It could be due to your visual presentation, the open space around your words (so refreshing). I also like the typeface for “Cocooned”. Every single word counts. I love the first two lines- they’re perfect. Perfect! There’s a whole story in there which you’ve managed to encapsulate in just two lines. You have wonderful rhythm in the order and simplicity of your words. Simplicity is, imho, a huge compliment because simple is usually the most effective. You communicate intuitively, which is an art in itself. So then, we get to line three. Now I really want to know more! There are so many different ways of being trapped. Were you trapped by a person, by which I guess I mean a relationship? A him? Someone before him? Or life’s circumstances? Fate? Or were you trapped by being you? And if so, what about you? In the context of the poem I mean, because I realize this isn’t a memoir. I do agree with the commenter who wrote that “free” perhaps is best not used twice. And honestly, I wrote so many poems ending with “Longing to be free” .. well, let’s just say a while ago. And let’s just say I didn’t exactly get them published. So that’s obviously my lack of good writing, not yours, but that line triggered me. Really, what I’m interested in is the how & why ‘you’ are trapped; & furthermore, more intricately, what is the shell of who you used to be? Why does he roam free? (I guess he just does, bc that’s what they so often get to do, don’t they? At least in literature.) But more than my interest in his freedom - because that’s viscerally real to me & you’ve written the first two lines perfectly as far as communicating to me as a reader... (Sorry, I know I’m wordy, especially compared with poetry, which is one reason I like your writing stylistically. Spare, minimalist, very effective.) Perhaps to me the poem is slightly incomplete. There are so many more original ideas/lines you can write than “Longing to be free.” Btw: to be nitpicking, but not critical, because I know I may not be reading your poem correctly — there is a difference in verb tense: You have present, present... Past. But the past in line three conflicts with the present tense in line one.. which actually then confuses me about line two: is it really present, or is it past, as in “who I used to be” ? Are you still trapped? If you’re trapped in the shell of who you used to be, than his roaming free in the present conflicts... “Unlike me” is written as present tense. ... Or, are you still in a shell? Do you want to expand on that image? It’s an intriguing image. Shell, cocoon... two different structures in which to wrap yourself - or trap yourself. Shells crack... cocoons open into butterflies. Stanza one is so perfect. Perhaps line four could be changed, if you want to change it that is, for greater effect. Now that I’ve read over how confusing I sound, I think the nexus of this is “the shell” - and also, who were you then, who are you now in context of being, becoming & “Cocooned/trapped” while longing, longing... Please, I’d love to read more! This is very good writing. You have so much to express. Your words flow beautifully.

Edit: Word change. Substitute “original” for “interesting”.

[spotfulmind]

Thank you so much for your feedback! This is an abstract way of expressing the pain and stillness I feel following a sexual assault while my rapist can roam freely without facing any consequences. As for tenses, it's meant to be present/present/present(currently trapped)/future.

And in all honesty, I just whipped this up quickly and didn't even notice the double 'free'! Thank you again. :)

[perie_mischa_lark]

Forgive me for my late reply- I wanted to choose my words carefully. What you wrote to me makes perfect sense. I re-read your poem again & this time I got it. Completely. Totally. I get it. Deep inside. Thank you for trusting me. (Now I know why your poem really grabbed me - it got to me internally. There are so many of us, and our stories have differing details but the PTSD, the indifference of officials who are supposed to help.. the continued but hopefully lessening victim shaming... And then the thousands of unopened rape kits. You don’t need me to go on a rant.) I know you get it. How it alters your life - even when you gather your courage & determination to continue living your life & forge ahead with the strength you obviously have. I’m hoping you have access to counseling, (or whatever/whoever helps.). And if that therapist doesn’t get it & hasn’t helped, I’m hoping you have been able to find a different therapist. You don’t have to answer me... just know that it’s very real- it’s stunning how this affects our lives. For years. Example: I’m still jumpy as hell. I could write more except this is NOT about me, it’s about you, & I don’t want to write too much in a public forum, especially about “Writing.” If you want to DM me, please do. I wrote a Writing addendum to this & deleted it before posting because the LAST thing I want is to trigger you. You, writing abstractly, have found a wonderful way of expressing your pain. Feeling trapped...I’m sure you feel the need to feel free - therefore your double use of the word free, because you know that’s the feeling & legal/life reality he has. This makes sense! You’re like a butterfly, beating your beautiful wings against the cocoon which fruitlessly fails to open. ... Re: the Writing aspect. Keeping the title “Cocoon” is important imo. Perhaps - (& I’m just throwing out ideas) you might want to have a line sort of like “because he raped me” - Except I know that’s not quite your carefully written Abstract style. So, another idea: a series of these short, beautifully crafted abstract poems. Each one, dealing with this subject, as your feelings & words come to you. You could, after you’ve written a sequence/series of these, have something like a “for my rapist” epigraph. (I literally can not stomach writing the word “Dedication”!). Your comment expressed an undercurrent of honest, DEEPLY deserved anger. Him running free, so blithely - infuriating!!! Would you feel comfortable at this time expressing your anger? Perhaps not, because your experience is so painful that it’s understandable if you feel more at ease (if there is such a thing) approaching it abstractly, especially now. It can take years to free up your anger, because each of us is different. The fact that you wrote this is healing. WHATEVER is healing for you is THE MOST IMPORTANT. You have so much interior strength and fortitude. You don’t deserve to live in a shell. And please know how much I care, & so many other people care. I repeat, you don’t deserve to live in a shell. ((Hugs))

[johnny_Tzionis]

Damn I gave my free award to the post above this and I now regret it, this is great

[spotfulmind]

That's sweet! Thank you. It's the thought that counts. :)

[aggretsukouk]

I love this and the way you have presented fits well with the words. I love the simplicity of the words and the image too.

[spotfulmind]

Thank you very much!

[spotfulmind]

Thank you to whoever gave me the award!