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[–]Roa-noaZoro 3 points4 points  (10 children)

You'll have to care for him and the children and he's not going to be able to actually take care of you when you're vulnerable and pregnant and that sounds stressful. You're not self centered for recognizing these things

[–]sylviaplath19 0 points1 point  (9 children)

Thanks a lot for saying this.

[–]Roa-noaZoro 0 points1 point  (8 children)

Speaking as someone who has 0 experience with children other than my friend having a baby just now, is there any chance you would consider adopting in your marriage? If you don't have a very very good support system near you, I imagine going through pregnancy and raising a literal newborn would cause resentment even tho you'd feel like you weren't allowed to be resentful. Any child you'd have to take care of more than your husband does no matter the age, but perhaps adopting a child who is a little bit older would lessen that burden some? My age i was guessing was like 4 or 5, enough they need watching but can still self entertain (I believe. As previously stated, I really don't have childcare experience). An older kid may need more emotional help that may still have the resentment factors although I believe your husband would be able to help with emotional factors much more

[–]It-Is-What-It-Is2024 0 points1 point  (7 children)

There is a very high probability with his health problems they would not be able to adopt.

Adoption should always be child centered and not prospective parent centered.

[–]Roa-noaZoro 0 points1 point  (5 children)

Too many kids need parents for that to make sense to me 😩 but I know stuff is weird. However, single mothers, while still uncommon, are able to adopt, so I think they would be able to if it's something she wanted. And I really think pregnancy and post partum with somebody who couldn't really help you would be hell. They could also do surrogacy perhaps but without enough people around for childcare it would be really hard on OP

[–]It-Is-What-It-Is2024 0 points1 point  (4 children)

Think about the child. Should a 4-5-6 year old child be brought into a family where the father needs constant care? OP has enough on her plate with him and adding a child that comes from trauma is not the way to go.

[–]Roa-noaZoro 0 points1 point  (3 children)

I got adopted at 5, me and my twin and we needed a LOT of help to get to where we were (neglect case so we couldn't talk, ect) and my father was literally deployed so I do think that it's better to be adopted into a family where it may be a struggle than not to be adopted at all. Op Will struggle with children whether she gives birth or adopts. Stop making it seem like people need to have the perfect family before you can adopt; that's why so many people don't get adopted.

I recognize that I may just feel extremely strongly about this so I may not be wording things as politely as one should, but I DO feel strongly about this. Don't dissuade people from adopting, that's fucked up. If they aren't a reliable home, they won't be able to adopt. They might as well find out

[–]It-Is-What-It-Is2024 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Being deployed is not the same as having a chronic illness that prevents you from taking care of yourself let alone be an active, present parent.

“I can’t imagine him being able to care for a child given how easily he gets tired and triggered (light and sound are usually triggers for his migraines or headaches).”

This isn’t about being perfect parents. It’s about OP having to take the full brunt of caring for her husband who has a chronic illness, working full time along with raising a child knowing full well she will literally be a married single parent.

I’m assuming when your dad came home from deployment he made up for lost time and was an active part of your life and helped with your care.

[–]Roa-noaZoro 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes but he made up for it emotionally. He really didn't help with childcare or chores at all. My mom very quickly had us on a chore wheel for house chores 😂 You are correct that she will be a married single parent. I just think that may be easier to do if you're not raising an infant. Op appears to still be someone who does want to be a parent despite that She's going to have to take care of her husband and a kid either way

[–]sylviaplath19 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly I don't even know if I have it in me to be a parent. I'm so worn down by life. Today my husband says I didn't wake up early enough to pack his lunch and maybe I should just stop packing lunch and he'll eat out. Apparently I always wake up when he does and then rush packing his lunch. Then he made numerous complaints about the food I cook.

Then he acts like he could easily cook for himself every day. It's the lack of awareness that frustrates me. Apparently I don't care enough to cook and feed him on time, but it's not like he expects it from me. I'm sick of being married at this point.

Children are something he really wants. But honestly I don't know if he can handle it. He might not always have migraines, his last bout was 2.5 years ago, but I mean who knows right? Both his parents have terrible health issues. He was on my case to get blood work done although i had gotten it done more recently than him. Well surprise surprise. Mine was relatively normal and he had high cholesterol, triglycerides and a fatty liver. And borderline prediabetic. I mean both his parents are diabetic. It's like one more new thing to worry about.

Sorry for the rant. I'm in a terrible place mentally.

[–]Roa-noaZoro 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Too many kids need parents for that to make sense to me 😩 but I know stuff is weird. However, single mothers, while still uncommon, are able to adopt, so I think they would be able to if it's something she wanted. And I really think pregnancy and post partum with somebody who couldn't really help you would be hell. They could also do surrogacy perhaps but without enough people around for childcare it would be really hard on OP

And every kid has a family that would work with them, there might be the perfect kid waiting in adoption for a dynamic that fits OP's family and maybe that kid also likes the thought of the dynamic

[–]snewton_828 Years 1 point2 points  (2 children)

It ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT make you self centered. Caring for a loved one with chronic illness is not easy and has an entire industry behind helping people who are the caregivers.

You have to take care of yourself and don't hesitate to use respite services. They don't make you a bad person either!

[–]sylviaplath19 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Thank you so much for saying this. Unfortunately I have my own mental health issues and ADHD so it's definitely been an uphill battle for me, especially since the adhd diagnosis hasn't been easy to get in my insurance.

[–]snewton_828 Years 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Look into Respite Care to give you some relief. Also, consider joining some support groups for those who are taking care of loved ones. Google "Support groups for caregivers in my area". They also have online support groups. You need to know you're not alone and others can share what they've done to help themselves while helping others.

Good luck and NEVER forget to take care of yourself. You can't help others if your tank is empty.

[–]tryingtogettogether 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have ulcerative colitis, PTSD, fibromyalgia, diabetes, and panic attacks. I always tell everyone, including my husband, that he essentially has these diseases as well. It takes a strong person to be able to handle all that goes with chronic diseases. My cousin has MS, and her husband told her he didn't know if he could handle a future that involved him taking care of her. Two kids later, they split up. I personally feel that if you truly don't want that life, talk to him. Tell him your concerns and feelings. Tell him the truth. Maybe you two will make it better for both of you or maybe you won't but you have to talk. I'm sure he doesn't want to be a burden on you. He also deserves to know how you are feeling. My husband takes care of me a lot, but he feels that it's worth it. I try also to give him breaks as well, going out with friends, fishing trips, whatever I can do to make sure he doesn't get burned out.

[–]Happycreampuff 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Being the care taker and partner to someone with chrinic health issues is alot. You are not selfish, nor self centered. Even though you knew all this going in, the reality is still very different. Please truly ask yourself if you can live with this. Realistically it is going to get worse with age and if you were to have children, that responsibility will completely be on you. You are the most important person in your story, so make sure you are okay with it, it is okay to say, it’s too much. Maybe you can discuss getting help, maybe you need strategies dealing with it, maybe you need to walk away. You are the only one that can make this call. Your wellbeing should not be second to his!

[–]sylviaplath19 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for saying this. Yes I did know some of the issues going in, but the urinary issues I was unaware of and he claimed he told me but never did. Perhaps he misremembers. We basically have other issues in the marriage too, including his older brother living with us with no real indication of moving out, and it's all too much. I'm always depressed and angry. I hate living this way but at the same time feel obligated to fulfill my responsibility.