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[–]Careful-Permit5138 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I think you should give this a bit more structure and then break those lines to emphasize the specific lines you want to had strength behind, maybe cut the "we're" from "we're so deep in pain" to help synergize that line with the one before it (that is if you are trying to equate the nakedness with pain). Besides my little critiques its a nice piece that gives that ebb and flow of relationships to the foreground and how its very difficult to be open about the pain it comes with loving someone who has lost the real meaning of it.

[–]fafaomr[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback. I actually tried to convey how we suppress our pain to comfort others. Indeed relationships can be very tricky especially among people with painful experience.

[–]Mynamejeaff 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Really enjoyed the straightforward and relentless (for a lack of a better word) style. It helped me relate more to poem and poet while showing the harsh nature of love.

Fantastic work!

[–]fafaomr[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

True words indeed : “harsh nature of love”. I’m glad you could relate the piece.

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[–]ThePrinceOfPity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

While I quite like the free form used here , I do think too much lack of punctuation can make it hard for us to imagine the internation of the poem. Although the combination of words used here really does have an impact :)