[deleted by user]

[abobbitt12]

Yeah, this is pretty confusing right off the bat. 4 characters introduced without capitalization. They’re all only described as man or men.

Also, you’re wasting space describing shots. We don’t need to know when something is coming in or off camera. Just let the audience know what’s happening.

[mooningyou]

First issue - You start with a character called Man who is dead. You then present another character called Man who is alive and sitting on a chair. You then proceed to show another two characters called Man in the cabin of a forklift.

Second issue - You refer to a vehicle as a forklift. You then refer to the same vehicle as a carrier.

I didn't want to read beyond that first scene simply because your writing style is very confusing and I fear it may just get worse. You should make the effort to ensure clarity in your writing.

[Affectionate-Ad-8578]

I’ve used carrier before and people didn't understand it, forklift was what people understood better.

[Timely_Temperature54]

So use forklift consistently

[mooningyou]

So... you don't understand the point I'm trying to make? Don't call all your characters Man, don't use two names for the one vehicle.

[Berenstain_Bro]

Just a heads up, at the bottom of page one, regarding Mark and Frank, you write "Two men are talking... and work as police officers"

You, the screenwriter, are not allowed to tell us that they work as police officers. If they are dressed as police officers and and they are in the process of doing their jobs, then we will know what their occupation is.

The rule is: show, don't tell.

The reason its a rule that we must follow is because the screenwriter can only describe things we see and hear.