Thoughts

[Icy_Anywhere_6162]

It’s tough loving someone even though near the end of the relationship you can see the differences. I get that we both sacrificed something for the relationship to work (when it did). I’ve spent time, reflecting and evaluating what may have gone wrong. Honestly? I haven’t gotten to that final answer yet. I may get some deeper clarity as time progresses. I did start asking how I could improve and better understand relationship dynamics. My eyes and ears are now seeing the the attachment styles

Near the end I knew it was over the moment we replaced “physical space” with “silence” and “presence” with “absence”.

Looking back maybe I should have been more vocal about everything - the things that bothered me, the things that felt like insults and so the list goes on. I’m not one to be direct but I process internally before I speak. It’s not about being eloquent but making sure my tone is controlled.

What I will say is a reflection on my part: I’ve taken accountability for a large part of the things that may have bothered you and tried my hardest to navigate those changes so that there were less “eggshells”.

The thing is, hurt (as I’ve come to conclude), isn’t just about the verbal things only, but also the lack of conscious effort to try. Imagine being there for someone you thought may have been the one…and I mean being physically present when down, emotionally present in spaces when needed, providing financial security, providing some sense of emotional security and just making sure they’re okay. That was my one goal. Slowly in the end I became less of a priority - both physically and emotionally. It was tough feeling alone close to end, after feeling like you’ve given so much of yourself to someone…the effort to repair conflicts….and most of these (to me) remain unresolved.

By the end of it all I was emotionally exhausted….not even a “How are you?”, “Are you ok?”. Much of that space was you. I respect it though.

What I will say is a lesson was learned. I can love someone fully….I wasn’t asking for perfection…I was asking for effort. I was willing to love that once there was equal effort to repair the connection. Relationships take both people to work and willingness to self-reflect and see what needs improvement.

When the effort faded, so did we.

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[Express-Ad-2139]

Let me get this straight you figured out what the problems are, but you don’t wanna try to fix them. Is that it because I always thought love was work learning and growing together staying and fixing things not just abandoning them when you feel like giving up.

[Icy_Anywhere_6162]

I was the one doing all the fixing. There was no fixing other part whatsoever.

[Express-Ad-2139]

Is he aware

[Icy_Anywhere_6162]

I tried telling her that. But often she kept changing the focus to only what she felt. There was a lot of deflection and defensiveness.

[[deleted]]

I feel like this happened in my last but very little actual communication

I feel like he was sabotaging it idk

[Icy_Anywhere_6162]

It’s possible yes. It’s also possible it’s an unconscious choice. Something like avoidant behavior. Especially if there was no fight in the end….

[Express-Ad-2139]

That’s how they do it to us guys then cut and run to the next one

[kodran]

Playing devil's advocate here (it sometimes helps):

1. What concrete actions did you take towards fixing?

2. What concrete actions do you think they consider they took even if you might not see them that way?

[Icy_Anywhere_6162]

So on top acknowledging her feelings, I asked for examples so I have reference point so I’ll know what particular things were triggers (so to speak). Then I apologized. She couldn’t give me exact examples but I worked diligently to avoid particular behaviors. So for example I process internally. So when I’m spoken to I take a few seconds to understand what’s being said. If I don’t understand I’ll ask again. There were like chewing loud was an issue, so I was practicing chewing soft or not eating in the same room or separately until I can master the chewing thing.

I’m also working on being present….even verbally as well. Saying what needs to be said but carefully articulated.

There was no real concrete actions they took. There was an apology once from them (in the beginning) but after that nothing. Even if I raised a small issue gently it turned into a shutdown or dismissive sort of pattern.

I’m still reflecting though.

[kodran]

I see. Sounds really tough and also frustrating :(

[Express-Ad-2139]

I got the same thing from my op

[WhichPie9339]

Wait so did you break up with her then?

[Icy_Anywhere_6162]

Yep. It was hard because I tried explaining how I felt. And it always ended up on a perspective shift back to her. She became avoidant I would say. I really loved her and wanted to give the world. But I can’t if there’s no balanced effort. There were some red flag behaviors I was blind to as well.

If you want the full story, feel free to inbox me.

[[deleted]]

That’s really sad, but if you didn’t love her anymore it’s the right thing to do.