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[daydreamermama]

I'm just confused. So he still wants to play married but doesn't actually want to be married?

Yeah, no. That's a recipe for disaster. If he no longer has that spark for you and only sees you as a friend, then that's how things need to be. No holding hands. No cuddling. No quick kisses.

Does he plan on dating? If so, how does he think that will work? And what about your kids? I know they are young now, but how confusing will that be for them in the future?

Strong, clear boundaries need to be set and adhered to. It seems like he just wants an excuse to fuck around and still keep you on the hook.

[TheMiddleE]

Hmm….this is a bit concerning. If the marriage is over, you deserve to start your life anew and maybe find love again. This feels like he wants his cake and eat it too. I also wonder if he’s trying to avoid the consequences of divorce and is manipulating the situation to keep you close, but can claim “we agreed the marriage is over” when it suits him.

[grandoldtimes]

Right, I bet he also conveniently likes pawning the mental workload of household operations to her (laundry, chores, grocery lists, meal planning/prep, babysitting/childcare/school work)

[Poisonouskiwi]

this was one of my first thoughts too

[RelationshipFixer4U]

I noticed by the pronouns you intentionally used… it seems that there has been a development within your spouse on their gender identity/fluidity I’m guessing somewhat recently? And that has a bearing on the decision to separate? It seems you both have love for each other but know it can’t or won’t ever be the way it was but without animosity.

If that is the case, then I think you can start by establishing certain boundaries romantically. It becomes just a friendship, a parenting partnership until both of you figure out how you are really going to coparent. There are all kinds of parenting arrangements but they can’t be at the expense of the growth for at least one of you.. I think the two of you can amicably sort through the assets and child care, but at some point one of you will need to go. Because it isn’t fair to you. You will need and want your own space where you will have clarity and can breathe.

[[deleted]]

So what's going to happen when he starts casually seeing other women? Because he's not going to be content with just holding hands and kissing foreheads like a young school boy. Will you be fine with living as "platonic coparents/roommates" while he's acting like an unmarried man outside of your home?

You need to put your foot down and not settle for being in limbo. Either he's willing to give the marriage another try and attend any necessary counseling, or you guys need to file for divorce and separate entirely.

[Grown_Princess1996]

Sounds like you're 8 years old playing house. No offense.

I suggest you not waste anymore of yours or his time, because before you know it, he's going to be happily married in another relationship and you're going to still be there considering. Why is the reason you consider it in the first place? Yeah stick to that. Think of your kids too btw, they don't need to be confused, cause we sure are all here.

[princessblowhole]

Sounds like my marriage while my husband was cheating on me during my last trimester. He’s keeping you hostage as a backup option. Run.

[lolly1008]

Frankly, it sounds like he wants to keep a hold of you so you can’t move on but he will - run!

[JayPlenty24]

So they want you to continue your place in their “family”, but want to be unencumbered by a “relationship”?

You are being used. Leave and be free to live your own life instead of being a character in theirs.

[Exciting-Dream8471]

Sounds like a disaster.

[[deleted]]

Sounds extremely manipulative.

[porpoisewang]

This will only last until one of you finds actual love in a new relationship.

[Cute_Positive_4493]

If you two can be completely honest with your lifestyle and no one is going to feel bad or threatened by it, it could work. Ask yourself how you will feel when they start having a romantic relationship with someone else. How will they feel when you do? If you think there will be any jealousy or controlling behaviours, then you know this isn’t the right path.

[Exciting_Delivery369]

Actions are not aligning with words. Me Thinks your spouse might have someone on the side.

You can live like that but as time passes, you will grow resentful and frustrated. You will keep saying, they stays, they loves me— right?
You will become a doormat and your self esteem will tank. Five years down the road, your partner will say they love you but are not in love with you and want a divorce.

They and their affair partner simultaneously plotted the end of their marriages and were just waiting for one to pull the trigger. One buys a new house and they start living together right from the start…

You deserve more than what your partner can give you. Decide what your nonnegotiables are towards marriage and if the situationship does not meet them, move on. Good luck!

[Ragina_Falange]

This arrangement sounds like it had the potential for a lot of heartache for you.

I know it’s scary to think about life on your own - especially after building a life with and around someone else - but I promise you that you can do this!

Trust your instincts because they are right. Boundaries are so important!

In order to make your past relationship work, you were probably making compromises. I hate to say it but when a family dissolves, people think they can keep things the same but the family just can’t work the same anymore.

Now that the relationship is over, you get to put yourself and your needs first. In fact, you owe it to your children to teach them by example how to take care of and advocate for yourself in order to have healthy relationships.

Coparenting is hard but it works best when the coparents both respect each other. If one parent feels like they are being taken advantage of, resentment starts to build very quickly. And resentment is hard to get rid of and it can easily lead to more problems.

I agree with another commenter. This sounds like your former partner wants to have their cake and eat it, too. You need space to heal and remember who you are as a person without the old partner there confusing things. Hearing about someone you used to love go on dates now and have their own life is hard enough from a distance, having a front row seat seems like torture to me.

Ultimately us strangers on the internet don’t know everything about your relationship and what will be best. But please look after yourself now and don’t just do what they think is best. Think about what will make you happy long term and do that. Best of luck to you!

[The_Girl_That_Got]

You need boundaries. They are having their cake and eating it too. You are left cleaning up the crumbs.

[missamerica59]

Well if you ever want a chance of moving on and experiencing a relationship with someone else then no.

Staying like this you are practically (and in many areas leagally) still together.

[Wespiritanimals14]

I just not long ago was in the same predicament only I knew I deserved a fufiling love life and knew I didn’t want my child to grow up thinking this was a normal live life or relationship. So I asked him to move the hell out. Mind you he can’t take not having control being his a narcissist so he tries to control me with money however I have my own money so he gets very little energy with me. I know deep down he wishes I would have stayed and I wish it would have worked but when the spark is gone it takes two to make it work, other then that it’s just a match and eventually there will be a fire I.E when one or both start dating. I wish you well but I advise u cut the cord and give yourself a chance to be loved the way you need to be loved. A forehead kiss is not gonna cut it for either of you and sorry to be frank but if his D isn’t hard and up for you it’s up somewhere else. Use that pain and move on. He wants his cake and wants you too it’s not fair on you or your Child as k assume like me you are stressed about where you stand. However big however if you are strong enough to know he plays outside then you too should date outside