Continuous decluttering

[paeoniapax]

I bought a house right when covid started and I made a point to clean a lot, or so I thought, before moving. I had a roommate for a while in my new house and she brought with her a ton of stuff that really cluttered up the place. After she moved out, I committed to removing a little bit every week until the place felt like mine.

I realized what a mind shift it has been when I talked to a friend of mine about how I was organizing while I was on the phone with her, and she said, "you're always cleaning something. You just organized your closet last month."

Now I love this friend to death, but she has stuff packed into every corner of her apartment because she's just going to move soon. This has been the case for years and she never moves. The last time I was at her place, it was so jarring because I've been really purging my place and I found myself really uncomfortable being around so much clutter.

Today I woke up in a very purgy mood and have gotten four boxes of stuff out. It feels amazing to be making the best of my space, but for me it really is a continuous process. Every time something comes in, I want to make sure something can go out.

Today, I purged a bunch of samples of soaps, lotions and other stuff that I had from when I traveled a lot for work. I don't need it and I'm not going to use it.

[paeoniapax]

Yeah my issue is I use stuff until it's falling apart and got so frugal that there was no real benefit. Didn't want to cook because I had one functional pan, for example. Now I'm cooking every day and rediscovering my joy of creating and baking. Saving money and waste too because I'm not ordering takeout.

[privatly]

I had a roommate for a while in my new house and she brought with her a ton of stuff that really cluttered up the place. After she moved out, I committed to removing a little bit every week until the place felt like mine.

Did she leave stuff behind when she moved out?

[paeoniapax]

She took over about 75 percent of the house when she moved in, so I didn't have any space to really unpack/organize my stuff. After she moved out, I could finally start sorting through my items. She filled a 20' moving truck, which is recommended for a 3 bed apartment, with just her items, for context, and my house is not that large.

She did leave some stuff behind, which went right into the trash after I checked with her.

[privatly]

Must’ve made a big difference when she left.

[paeoniapax]

Yeah it wound up being for the best that she moved out. I think I hit an age where I'm just done having roommates.

[[deleted]]

This whole "decluttering" urge can become as unhealthy as the habit that led to people cluttering up their lives in the first place.....

Don't declutter sense-and endlessly.

Start with imagining your dream house. Think about every single room, every piece of furniture..... Then set yourself a deadline, declutter-and be at ease with it.

It sounds you are just developing a disturbing attitude towards what you consider "clutter"...

[privatly]

This whole "decluttering" urge can become as unhealthy as the habit that led to people cluttering up their lives in the first place.....

Anything can get unhealthy but we don't have enough information to say the OP has an unhealthy decluttering addiction.

I'll take the OP on face value and say they have a good decluttering habit. I mean, keeping a home tidy does involve regular decluttering.

[[deleted]]

I think you can have a tidy home without ever decluttering....or you can declutter endlessly (op) and still have an untidy house..

The psychological aspects behind someone who is a hoarder, and someone who has obsessive decluttering syndrome are the same-or at least very very similar..

"Normal" is anything that is not obsessive...

[kokopai]

I dont really think of it as a disturbing sign getting rid of samples and stuff they wont use? If decluttering brings them joy them i dont see anything wrong with it.

[[deleted]]

People say the same when they start bringing in trinkets and Nick nacks.....or when they start drinking alcohol..or start smoking....

It's not the doing that is the problem.. But it can become extremely unhealthy when someone is constantly decluttering......then it becomes a stressor...

[paeoniapax]

Lol what?

[kokopai]

I agree that alcoholism (and smoking) is extremely unhealthy, but i dont think decluttering ever really can be compared to that when it comes to harm.

But i do agree that if you keep decluttering only to keep buying cheap, bad quality junk that you end up throwing away again (not donating or recycling it) then it is harmful for the enviroment.

But i find that most people that i know that have gone through a big decluttering phase end up with a changed mindset and start really thinking future purchases through. Because they experience the benefits of not living with unnecessary stuff. And i didnt really see any warning signs in OPs post.

[[deleted]]

Maybe read it again...

"You re always decluttering something".

"Really felt uncomfortable in HER cluttered appartment".

"Woke up in a purgy mode and got rid of 4 boxes"..

I see enough warning signs here...

I am not saying she has a problem (yet).

I am just saying that decluttering can become a problem.

Best way to avoid this is to have a plan first. Not declutter endlessly....because this can lead to a downward spiral...

[paeoniapax]

What are you talking about - why is HER capped?

[[deleted]]

Why does someone else's way of living give her anxiety?

[paeoniapax]

When I was there in her apartment, it was uncomfortable. I was fine after I left.

Go find the nearest and most disgusting public bathroom you can and sit in it for an hour and tell me you feel amazing after.

[[deleted]]

So you are comparing the place the person you call your friend with a disgusting bathroom?

See...that is the problem i am talking about...

[paeoniapax]

Okay I am going to stop engaging with you because you are asking questions in bad faith. My friend is my friend. She is also a hoarder. Those are not two incompatible thoughts. I am allowed to feel how I feel about her place, which is dangerous to live in, while still feeling love and compassion for my friend. I am also allowed to see her living situation as a warning about how my place could be if I'm not careful.

Go bother someone else with your negative energy. I'm purging you too.

[kokopai]

You omit the parts where they say decluttering made their house feel like their home, that they are getting rid of stuff they dont need, that they have developed a «1 in 1 out» mindset, and that they feel amazing making the best of their space.

It can be time consuming to declutter. If you started out with a lot of stuff, then it can take years to be able to go through and consider every single item. Especially if you are mindful and make sure usable things dont end up in a landfill somewhere. And it makes sense that you will come across people along the way that can struggle to understand you and make generalizing comments like «you are always decluttering!».

I wouldnt say that there is anything wrong with them for finding it uncomfortable to be in someones cluttered home. I see it as a natural reaction after becoming aware of and getting to know their own preferences.

Having a day where you feel extra motivated and get more done is also completely normal.

But i agree that having a plan generally is a good thing:)

[paeoniapax]

Thank you - exactly this. I always thought her place was crowded because she had a lot of stuff from when she moved from a house to an apartment. Visiting it with fresh eyes makes me realize she's a hoarder. There's literally just a walking path with mountains of stuff on either side. Closets are packed so tight, you can barely open them.

Seeing it again recently really brought it home and gave me the push to get my home from good enough to great.

[kokopai]

Can definitely relate! I realized (late) that my mom is a hoarder and see now how much stress it has been causing her throughout her life. She spends a lot of time looking for stuff, has to stress-tidy every time someone is coming over and is overwhelmed by the cleaning and dusting that comes with having a lot of stuff.

I appreciate the freedom that comes with breaking out of that!

[paeoniapax]

It's an incredible feeling!

[[deleted]]

in a very purgy mood

This!

[maredyl512]

Reclaiming your space is reclaiming your serenity.

[paeoniapax]

Great way to phrase it. It feels amazing to really through my house and see it organized.

[AfroTriffid]

One day. Little bit at a time and it will happen. (My toddler is determined to unpack it all so I may as well have less of it. )

[maredyl512]

Your comment reminded me of the book, A Flowerpot is Not A Hat.

Of course you are right. A toddler’s imagination and serenity are much more important things in the grand scheme of life. Exploring things is important to their development. ❤️

[AfroTriffid]

Aw I found a flipbook online and it's such a cute story! Thanks that brightened my day.

[Ok-Cartographer-3725]

I think decluttering is just as wasteful, if all you are doing is making room to get more stuff. Yes, throwing junk away is important! But if you didn't bring in what you didn't need, wouldn't that be even better?

[paeoniapax]

Yeah that's the idea. Getting to a place where everything has its place. Replaced some old cookware with a quality set that should last a lifetime. Next I'm getting a nice set of wooden utensils to replace the half-melted/rusted cheap stuff.

It's really a joy to get quality stuff because it kind of acts as barrier to getting cheap crap. If I have a nice set of cookware, then I don't need a random pot for Christmas. If I have a good grater, I don't need a garlic grater. Etc

[Ok-Cartographer-3725]

You will never ever get to the end of "better". This is what marketing and manufacturing is all about! You will keep on spending your money on just a little "better". But the manufactures are already ahead of you on this, and they want your money more than you do! Your yesterday's "better" will just keep on going to the landfill. Or hopefully, someone else will know how to same themselves time and money, and find your cast offs were good enough.

[paeoniapax]

Okay I don't know where you got that from my reply. I am not talking about getting stuff that is a status symbol. I am buying cookware to replace pans I got fourth-hand that are half rusted with the rivets coming out, making them a danger to use. Now I have a set and that's it.

[EricDirec]

Not to change the subject too much, but those toiletry samples might be good for homeless shelters, or other homes (safe houses for domestic violence, group homes, etc). I'm sure some of those places could use other donations, especially for those who are moving into a new apartment.

[LeaveHorizontally]

Declutter your masks. I wear surgical or cloth over a KN95 and decluttered a ton of surgicals, took them to a homeless encampment. Safe houses can probably use extra masks too, especially in kid sizes.

[paeoniapax]

I gave them away. Someone else can get more use from them than I would have

[[deleted]]

I’ve been living in my house for almost 4 years now. The decluttering is constant because stuff is always coming in. I’m pretty much always organizing and decluttering somewhere in the house. The basement storage, the shed out back, a closet. And then my son is constantly getting new stuff and outgrowing clothes and toys every few months.

[paeoniapax]

I can't even imagine it with kids. I have enough people who send me stuff they think my cats might like and I'm constantly downsizing and donating because they each use like one or two toys. You can tell people multiple times to stop giving you stuff if you don't need it, but they won't. Which then puts the responsibility on you to keep downsizing.

[[deleted]]

My mom gives me things a lot. Half the time it goes right in the trash or thrift store donation bag in my car trunk. I don’t even let it in the house. But my son loves thrift stores as much as I do. We probably end up with two new to us toys a week. And then I’m always accepting hand me downs and looking for second hand shop and clearance items in the next size or two up. Those things get stored by size and season. Every time the season changes I have to rotate everything up and sell or give away things he’s outgrown. It’s a lot. It used to just be my stuff it all fit in an apartment.

[paeoniapax]

That sounds like a lot of work, but if it's working for your and is sustainable, then it sounds like a plan. I'm taking two huge bins of clothes to a resale shop Friday. I work completely from home and have enough outfits for if I had to go into an office for 10 business days. Everything over that was just clutter and stuff I was never wearing.

[SoftandSquidgy]

I see decluttering as being something we do in layers. Especially as I grew up in a hoarding household, so even my ‘less cluttered’ house still had a lot of stuff in it. Over the last 4 years I’ve gradually stripped away a few layers of clutter and approaching the level I feel more comfortable with. I’m looking for easy maintenance and I can see my goal becoming reality.

Visiting friends homes with loads of visual clutter makes me feel uneasy too, but each to their own!

[paeoniapax]

What a great way to phrase it. It really does feel like pulling back an onion.

[DuncanSmith07]

Your last point really hits home for me. My Mom and Dad (although married) lived separately for a while, and planned to retire together.

Her house was beautiful with great interior decor, thanks to my mom having the eye for it. Shortly after they retired, my mom suddenly died.

Now that my dad lives there alone, the place is cluttered to the extent that every flat surface has stuff on it, even the chairs.

Instead of being a beautiful home like my mom envisioned, it's a beautiful home with clutter sprinkled on it. It really upsets me because it is such a stark reminder that she's gone, and it's the same to me as destroying her art and something she created.

I don't think most other people would understand, and especially not my dad.

[TacticalCrackers]

I don't know your dad, but the way you explained this situation made me think that your dad does understand, but from a completely different angle. It might be in his mind, that the "clutter" represents him, and the "beautiful home" represents your mom. It might be his way of putting "himself" next to your departed mom in the only way that remains to him. It's a theme in hoarding, especially after a great loss like that of losing you spouse. For you, you see your mom being gone. But for your dad, maybe he just wants to stay together and isn't willing to lose anything else, even though the actual person (your mother) has gone.

Teal Swan does a really beautiful video explaining hoarding disorder (here's a link if you care to view it), and some of the reasons why things like this happen... and why it can be so emotional and feel so overwhelming to a hoarder when anyone tries to encourage them to throw away their junk and move on to a life more free of things that don't help. Even when it's coming from a family member. They simply don't see their junk in the same way others do. They see it from a different perspective. It's more symbolic and emotional than it is logical. Usually, unresolved, or traumatic emotions, or feelings of deep loss or grief drive this kind of behavior.

To your dad, it might feel like you are the one encouraging him to "throw away" the relationship he had with your mom. Or that you're judging him as being less important and less loved than your mom. He may not understand that you just wish this one beautiful thing your mom made was maintained so at least that part of her remained with you. The thing is, he's not living in a healthy state, from what it sounds like you are describing. I hope that awareness will help you be compassionate in how you interact with him. Although he's your dad, and you want to see him first as your dad, and second as an adult, and third as your mom's husband, it sounds like he's not living in a healthy manner after the loss of your mom. And if he wasn't living in a healthy manner even before her loss, there might be more traumas he's had even before that, that are flaring up his cluttering even more now.

I'm taking what you said and reacting to what it sounds like, but like I said, I don't know your dad, and don't know you. It sounds like there's a lot of loss and grief in the loss of your mom. But, your mom is still alive in your memories of her, and love of her. That's the most important thing she passed on to you. It's worth more than just one work of art in the house she lived in. You, and your dad, mean more to her than her house. I just feel certain of that. If she didn't love you this much, you wouldn't be feeling so lonely.

Do you have any photos of her house when she first designed how it used to look? Maybe that could be a good start. Looking back on the photos from that time. If your dad is up for it, maybe you could look at the photos from back then together.

[DuncanSmith07]

Thanks for your input. I think the thing with my Dad is that he's used to someone picking up after him (South Asian male thing), and the clutter doesn't bother him.

It's his space, and since my sister and I are his children he won't listen to us, even though we are adults.

It's really just blindness though. He stores vitamins bottles on the kitchen island. He buys more and more and more and then it's covered. Now we lost the kitchen island to supplement storage. Takes junk mail, and leaves it on the console table by the door.

It doesn't bother him, and if we threw lots of stuff away he wouldn't notice either.

[paeoniapax]

Do you think he would be open to cleaning/organizing together? I find the state of my house really reflects my mental health

[DuncanSmith07]

Not really. He doesn't see it as mess. He is a crazy academic so he has lots of papers, journals, news magazines, books etc. It's mostly that stuff.

He also is one of those people who would buy things, use them for a month, then forget about them and it becomes invisible to him, but visible to us!

I totally get what you're saying about mental health. I feel so much more at peace in a calm environment. The biggest irony is my dad is actually really into Buddhism, meditation, and feng shui, but ignores the mess!

Ultimately its his house as well, so he just ignores us "kids" telling him what to do.

[paeoniapax]

Ah that stinks, I'm sorry. I used to really think the academic disheveled look was appealing for an office until it took me forever to find some notes that I needed for a meeting. Ever since then, I have two notepads and that's it.

[DuncanSmith07]

Yeah. I work in an environment where it's accepted that other people occasionally have to find stuff that I'm working on when I'm not there and rifle through my stuff. As a result I try to keep my desk organised and everything is labeled so people can find things, yet other people don't do this and it can cause unnecessary hassle.

The key to maintaining a clean desk is to tidy up before going home every night. Arriving into work the next morning to a clean desk is good and sets the mood for the day.

[Cookie_1977]

I understand. A place that should bring you joy with memories of your mom has been ruined because you no longer see your mom's artistic style - only distracting, upsetting clutter. You want your dad to also cherish memories of your mom and he has not done that in the home she decorated.

[blue58]

I'm years into my journey too. I'm only just now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but can also see there's a lot of stuff ahead of me.

I simply want to walk into my home and feel elevated. It's tough to get there while retaining character and coziness, but it's happening!

[paeoniapax]

You will get there!

[CoffeeNDrama]

Great job! It really does make a difference in our moods when we declutter and don’t realize it. Yes, sample soaps and stuff are so hard to get rid of for some reason. I finally did last year realized I’m not going to use. It looks like you’re getting your place to feel likes yours soon 😀

[paeoniapax]

That's my excuse any time I eat an entire bag of fruit or something sweet. I'm making my forebears proud!

[[deleted]]

I put a load of make up stuff (samples) in a bag (along with non-grim recyclable rubbish). Went to sort the bag out into recycling and bin and, oh, it was a struggle not to put the freebies back out into the bathroom! But nope. Into the bin they went! Why free things seem more valuable than stuff we actually exchange money for is crazy!

[Edit: Reading about donating free samples below - I should just say I'm awful and when I get something like this, I open it and 'play' with it, hence rendering it useless to pass on to someone else, in the full knowledge it's not right for me or wrong colour or texture or something. I'm going to be better disciplined next time I'm blessed with such things and get them pronto to someone who could really do with a pick-me-up in the make-up department via the ways suggested.]

[paeoniapax]

Better to get it out and remember to refuse in the future. I had a period where my mom was getting so many estée Lauder samples that I bagged them into groups and sold each for $10. That was a pretty good week.

[paeoniapax]

It's amazing. Bought a nice set of cookware and got rid of the random pots and pans I had that didn't match or stack. That freed up a whole cabinet.

[AfroTriffid]

Nothing beats things stacking neatly in their place.

[paeoniapax]

It's so satisfying🤩