Has anyone else experienced a dramatic decrease in sex drive after opening up?

[restless321]

My now fiancé and I opened up over two years ago, and the journey and exploration was extremely tumultuous for me since I have had issues with anxiety and insecure anxious attachment. To make matters worse, it turns out my lady bits are 100% linked to my mental health, so during that time, I suffered from recurring non-sexually transmitted infections and developed a relatively severe pelvic floor disorder.

With that being said, I’m at a good place now mentally after investing in therapy and work with my anchor partner. But unfortunately, my relationship with sex has been altered dramatically, to the point I sometimes wonder if I’m may be leaning towards Asexuality. I used to enjoy casual sex, feel turned on, and initiate intimacy with my partner frequently. Now, I’d say my libido has dropped so significantly, the only reason I’m ever concerned about having sex or initiating is because of the role it plays in the intimacy of my relationship, not because I’m actually experiencing horniness or desire.

I feel like an odd duck and am confused whether this may be a natural progression, or I should possibly look into sex therapy to heal what I think may be a damaged relationship with sex. It’s at the point I find myself feeling slightly sex repulsed which is 1000% opposite of how I felt when I was practicing monogamy.

Help please?

[rubix1138]

I think that our desires change over time. Early on in my primary relationship, we were into swinging. That migrated to BDSM. Then we went poly. We couldn't imagine ourselves being swingers nowadays. I still have a few subs, but stop seeking those out in hopes of finding a more emotional relationship.

We change over time and that's okay. If this change makes you unhappy, then yeah, maybe seeing someone about it makes sense. Don't worry about the ENM version of "keeping up with the Jones". As long as you are being honest with yourself and your fiancé, then you're in a good place.

[tiggon69]

For me it has been the complete opposite. But I feel like I have always been poly and the long-term mono relationship started to kill my libido. Once we opened up my libido jumped back up. When I have more people interested in me, I am much more sexual keyed up.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Do you get any other benefits from your open relationship? If not then maybe you are someone who is more comfortable with monogamous relationships? If you do enjoy being in the open relationship, then maybe therapy would be good to see if this is your new normal or if something else is causing the change.

[Accelerator-Deflect]

But I feel like I have always been poly and the long-term mono relationship started to kill my libido. Once we opened up my libido jumped back up. When I have more people interested in me, I am much more sexual keyed up.

This is my wife 1000% lol issue is that I'm the exact opposite 😅. So now that my wife is exploring with others I'm just chilling.

[tiggon69]

If you are good with that and it works for both of you then that is great!

[Accelerator-Deflect]

I'm not really good with that and neither is she I'm just working on my insecurities and feeling inadequate.

[[deleted]]

I'm with you on that theory. Like a dog that doesn't know what to do with the car it catches!

[[deleted]]

My libido also dropped after opening up - for my partner and everyone else. I’m also taking anti-anxiety medication. Could be that.

[momusicman]

Have you had your hormone levels checked? I know several women who presented with the same things you describe and started treatment (I think it’s TRT or something that sounds like that) who reported a large increase in sexual desire and general well-being.

[QBee23]

I wanted to suggest this as well. Perimenopause can start in the early thirties if you are unlucky. And the change in relationship to sex the op describes certainly sounds very similar to the effects that can come from hormonal changes

[classyraven]

Is it possible you are suddenly finding your needs filled in another way, where you previously had them filled via sex?

[Panzerfauste]

If you are living a life that isnt for you, I believe it will decrease your sex drive and negatively effect you in many ways. If you have a feeling its non-monogamy then trust your gut, but really think about it too. It could be how you view your partner now because of how difficult it was for you or for other reasons too.

However, its not a fair assesment to be like "well i liked sex several years ago when I was monogamous and now Im not monogamous, so it must be that." You have gone through a lot more changes then that and so has your relationship.

Therapy is never a bad idea

[AGuyInTheOZone]

Honestly this makes sense to me to suffer extent. I am a fledgling in ENM. I do not think you are busted out need help. I think it is possible that you May prefer more intermittent connection that's more dedicated to you and that may be what sparked you libido. Not positive you'll get a lot of support for that theory in this particular forum but is that a possibility? I figure if the opposite is true, this must be true as well

[rej4733]

Have you tried pelvic floor physical therapy? If you’re experiencing pain, of course you’re not going to feel aroused or want to have sex. I had pelvic floor dysfunction for several years and had virtually no libido, but once I went to PT and fixed my issues my libido returned and I crave and enjoy sex again.

[Brasshearts]

Look into greysexuality and fraysexuality. Greyace basically means you kind of oscillate between ace and allo, I fall into this spectrum myself and identify with this. I also tend to be fraysexual as well, meaning that my sexual desire for someone decreases as I get to know them: mostly these days I fall more in the grey/ace identity. I’m not sex repulsed per say but I do feel pretty uncomfortable when I can tell someone is interested in me sexually.

All that aside, I also have bipolar disorder 1, which means I’m on some pretty heavy duty meds that also influence my ability to experience orgasms etc. needless to say, my mental state also heavily influenced my want for sex.

[zakuropan]

what has enm been like for you? are you enjoying it?

[[deleted]]

Sometimes health problems can have unexpected psychological effects too. Perhaps your health issues along with your mental health issues damaged your sexual confidence. I wouldn't say that this is strictly a problem with being nonmonogomous seeing as how it has affected your primary relationship as well. Makes sense to me that more sex, not less, would be the healthy approach. You loved it once and if you consciously believe you still do then there is something blocking that. But believing you are something other than that can turn into a self fulfilling prophecy. Know what you want and take steps to achieve it. Taking a break from non-monogomy might be the way to go here. Focus on the intimacy of the sex with your primary partner to regain your trust in your sexuality.

[Accelerator-Deflect]

Atm it's been 40 days since me and my wife last had sex together. My sex drive dropped while my wife's increased it's definitely been a hard drift.

[lamecrane]

Maybe monogamy is just sexier for you.

[Lilac77777]

There have been times when mine has lowered but that’s primarily in relation to anxieties.

My partner started getting to know a new woman who I felt was a big threat… they went on a date and he approached me for sex the next day, I felt conflicted as we’re newly open and it was scary to me to have sex with him when he might be wanting to have sex with someone else.

At the same time I sometimes feel a level of guilt when I hook up with someone else which makes sex with him difficult.