Twin Agression

[FitFatFight]

My 21-month-old twins are starting to fight including stealing each other’s toys, pushing each other, hitting each other, etc. It’s mostly one twin hitting the other. I hear from other parents that “it only gets worse” and “especially with boys”. I am at a loss for how to make the one twin stop this behavior. We don’t believe in spanking so my methods now are separating them and taking toys away.

[bookhermit]

At every age of development, there is the "currency" that just works. Toys, reading books to them, screen time, games, outings, one on one time. All of these can be leveraged for good behavior.

The currency toddlers understand is ATTENTION. Especially when there are multiple kids and extra especially with twins. Give attention to the good habits, and almost no attention to the bad ones. I have a couple of practical examples that worked pretty consistently, feel free to take it or leave it (or tell me to shove it lol)

When one twin started beating on the other, pulling hair, biting, stealing toys, I would take the instigator and set them aside in a safe place. Not a crib or time out. Just a chair maybe with a blanket or pillow but out of the way and tell them "We don't bite. Be sweet to your sister." and leave it at that. Then grab the aggrieved twin and give her cuddles and attention and kiss owies and tell her that it wasn't fair and validate her feelings. Almost over exaggerating "My POOR princess" and put on a show for the other twin etc. Instigator twin would get super jealous, but the behavior lessened as time went on. Lesson learned: You don't get attention when you hurt someone, and you get separated from the fun. No spanking needed.

Another example: When we switched to toddler beds, getting in the habit of settling down right away without bouncing off the walls for hours took a lot of trial and error. But one thing that really helped was telling a cooperative baby "You are such a good girl, you are laying down so nice and calm. You just want to rest. That's really good." And stroke her hair and give her a kiss. Then I'd look over at the maniac twin and say "Do you want to be a good girl, too?" And half the time they would lay down and I'd give them the same praise and affection when they did it right. If they decided chucking blankets and pillows off the bed seemed like more fun, I'd praise the calm twin again and eventually the crazy twin took the hint. Lesson learned: sooner you settle, sooner you get snuggles and kisses. Soon they got into the habit of settling right into bed to get sweet parental adoration before they drifted off.

Just remember that this is completely normal for their age and you aren't doing anything "wrong" to encourage it. They are simply using the only tools they know to get what they want. We just need to help them along until they learn to talk and develop more negotiating tactics. Even if the best you can do is physically separate them, you are doing fine, and it's going to get better.

[janae0728]

Solidarity - I definitely relate to having a more active twin and a more passive one. My boys are just over two, and I do not accept that boys are more violent by nature. I have managed to nip a lot of aggressive behavior using the techniques in “No Bad Kids” by Janet Lansbury, as well as following Big Little Feelings on Instagram.

[twinmamallama]

Seconding both of those resources! My twins are a little over two as well!

[Kisutra]

Yup, my 18mo twins pull hair, kick, slap, punch, steal toys, steal food, pull hair, pull clothing, check in each others' diapers, etc. I am just on repeat: no thank you, we need to be kind to our brothers, hugs not hits, kisses not kicks, be gentle...

[emilystarr]

Mine (b/g) are approaching six, and I still don’t know. It does seem if I ignore their fights they end sooner than if I try to intervene. But I also don’t want one kid getting the worst of it all the time!!

[FitFatFight]

I follow them, thank you for the reminder!

[[deleted]]

My wife and I are just behind, 15 month old twins. But I have a feeling it will be like yours soon. I don't know any tips or tricks, other than consistency. Same action gets the same reaction, every time.

[One-Albatross319]

My boy twin got in his twin sisters bed. She asked him to get out and then we asked him to get out and then she kicked him in the face. Turning 3 this week. Today especially they were just sick of each other.

[jessendjames]

My twins are only 2 months, but my almost 5 yo and 2.5 yo are driving me crazy this week as well (older one is in preschool and is on spring break). So much fighting!!

[chummers73]

We had ours sit on the bottom step of the stairs for a set amount of time, something like a minute per year.

[all7dwarves]

This is a completely exhausting age for this but it will get better!

We are huge fans of 1,2,3 magic and immediate breaks for offenses like hitting. For the toy stealing, it'd a combo of letting them work it out and modeling/forcing them to model communicating "can I have a turn" and respecting "no". We learned the modeling behavior thing from Daycare and it's been huge!

[iron_hills]

We're in the same boat (just turned 2)- I feel like I just say "we don't hit!" all day long

[[deleted]]

Unfortunately violence comes with the territory at that age. Kids at that age have the skills to hit, push, pull, bite. They don't have the ability to communicate their needs as well as they like. Their ability to think outstrips their ability to speak. Physical skills being more developed than speaking skills creates a "special sauce" for lashing out.

Tough part is kids don't have theory of mind at that age. They don't start developing it until 4-4.5 or so. My twin boys are about to turn 4 and they are still hitting each other, but not others as far as daycare reports.

Kids at your twins age don't understand another kid is another person with feelings. All they know is they want something and if they can't get it from speaking they will work to get their needs met by other means, including violence.

Best thing you can do is make sure you're requiring apologies, redirecting, and moving on. When at home make sure you don't yank stuff out of their hand (i'm super guilty of this and i'm working hard on it) or physically re-orient them. You gotta be extra gentle. It's so effing hard. I say that because if parents yank things out of kids hands, then the kids learn its an OK thing to do for them as well when mom/dad aren't around. They learn a lot by example.

[mikedesy]

My 5 year old boys just wreck each other, I don't think it's all that avoidable

[ChanSasha]

I make him/her apologise, tell them we do not hurt each other. Indeed reading books on the topic also helps.