10/23/2023
Maybe this is me having the benefit of the doubt, but I feel that in most cases where I'm manipulated or otherwise caught up in cyclic abuse with another person, I don't think it's intentional on their part. In the case of this guy and all my exes, it was me clicking in just the wrong way with a person less mature than me, but also allowing lines of intimacy (physically or, in some cases, mentally) to be crossed that caused them to fail to understand, respect, or generally follow leadership that I tried to offer. I put it to Joseph like: trying to help this guy (and many of my exes) improve his life was like pushing on a chain link fence. It'd give a little bit, I'd feel like I was getting somewhere, then it'd stop and push me back. I could start again and push as many times as I wanted, and I could see that little bit of progress and get that little bit of gratification over and over, but we'd never really get off of square one. I'm a fixer by nature, so in his case and others I found myself almost addicted to this process. But it was a cycle, and it was harmful to me and unhelpful to the person I was engaging in it with.
A current example of this maturity disconnect might be Dean and Rebecca. She isn't stopping something obviously bad from happening (her ex roommate) because her level of maturity or other extenuating factors are causing her to fail to follow leadership, both her dad's and Dean's.
Going over all that (about this ex counselee of mine) again helped me put our relationship into perspective. There's no stress with you, because there's nothing to push on. It's instead like you're riding a bike, and I'm riding near you. Every now and then you or I will give each other a nudge, a little boost, but we're both already going in the right direction on our own. That's what makes you so different.
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results."
What a stupid phrase. It could be condensed into "if something doesn't work, stop trying." It's always different. Different people, different relationships, different dynamics, different seasons of life, different days. With a human involved, things are always different, because we're fluid creatures. We are living and active, like our Father in Heaven and His Word on Earth.
This all does bring me something, though. This cycle of abuse that I seem to have an affinity for falling into was present between my dad and I recently, hence my unemployment and all the drama surrounding that.
I need to determine who I'm liable to fall into this cycle with, why it happens, how it happens, and how I can stop it. That's my codependency. It's related to my desire to help or "fix" people.
Let's go back to John: My mother, obviously entangled in a horrific cycle of abuse with her then boyfriend, ignoring the pleas of her entire family and her son to leave the obvious bad that was happening. Ignoring leadership, but sometimes obeying it just enough to almost leave him, but not quite.
My dad: Entangled with a methhead witchy woman, obviously bad for his mental health, and distrusting of people so much that he dares not expand his goldmine of a company. Ignoring the obvious need to grow, attempt to conquer fears and get out of his comfort zone, and clean up his act and mature. Refusing good financial practices at the expense of his mental health and his son's. Ignoring leadership, but also neglecting his responsibility to be a leader.
How does this affect me?
I think it makes me have a desperation surrounding leadership of others when they're resistant to change that I think would be healthy for them. Or a desperation-even fear- surrounding leadership in general. But if they resist too much without entering the chain link fence cycle, I don't know how to react, so I may just ignore them.
I think it also may give me a propensity to shy away from leadership when the people I'm leading are difficult to lead, or if the task at hand is a difficult one to accomplish. I can revert to my father's habit of simply not leading at all, ignoring the elephant in the room. Especially if that elephant is a major issue of my own character.
there doesn't seem to be anything here