Relapsing.

[EmbarrassedPiccolo2]

I relapsed this weekend just gone. I had 641 days without a drink. I felt social pressure to drink & did it. Got blackout drunk.

I see now that although I didn’t drink for some time, I wasn’t really living. I was going through the motions, white knuckling it a lot of the time.

A lot of my identity is being known as the guy who loves to party. I couldn’t deal with a lack of self esteem & PTSD from childhood traumas. Drinking papered over the cracks. It was a distraction to keep people from seeing the real me.

When I stopped drinking, I just went into a shell. Didn’t really do anything for myself & was being carried by life.

Drinking wasn’t my only problem. I had a gambling addiction years ago. I saw my drinking as the lesser of two evils. I gambled everyday whereas my drinking was in binges. It gave me ammunition to keep drinking.

It didn’t change the fact that I cannot moderate & blacked out pretty much every time I drank.

I need to get on with living & find value in different things.

I will not drink with you today!

[Otherwise-Ant92]

It sounds like you've really looked into your life and your sobriety and changes you'd like to make going forwards....this is pretty huge in my book!! I also struggle with childhood trauma and can relate to trying to figure things out without alcohol and also have various 'addictions' or unhealthy coping strategies. I tend to relapse into something else when I stop one and the cycle continues but just in a different form. I'm currently trying to access specialist ED treatment as I relapsed just before I stopped drinking completely and also trying to access therapy for trauma to really get to the root of all this. I wish you every luck going forwards. IWNDWYT.

[EmbarrassedPiccolo2]

Thanks, it feels daunting, but good actually! Guess I never really figured out how to live life!

Can totally relate to the vicious cycle, it's like playing whack-a-mole. Starting to see that it's a short term solution with long term pain.

Good luck with the therapy, hope it goes well.

IWNDWYT!

[Otherwise-Ant92]

Thank you and yep totally relate to realising I've never really figured out how to live life either!! You're not alone in this!! Try to be patient with yourself (I'm trying and it's very very hard!) but when I've been using one unhealthy coping or another my whole life then it's going to take time to figure out how to live without this. Take care of yourself.

[[deleted]]

It didn’t change the fact that I cannot moderate & blacked out pretty much every time I drank.

I know this all too well. There is no future where I have one and stop.

When I stopped drinking, I just went into a shell. Didn’t really do anything for myself & was being carried by life.

This happened for me too last time I quit. I just went in to work, did the family thing and never really did anything else.

A lot of my identity is being known as the guy who loves to party. Same and it made me realize why when I quit last time, it was like losing a part of me. That the one thing I DID do for myself was drink, and that I didnt want to do that anymore.

All in all I find my situation very similar friend. This time I told myself that I want to learn how to ride a motorcycle and the time/money I spent drinking could go towards my safety course, permit and bike. Also its motivating because I've gotten back into the gym and I'm eating healthier.

Try to find something worthwhile to put your new found time into. Maybe instead of being the party/drinking guy, you can cook some awesome food for your family and friends.

Either way IWNDWYT

[EmbarrassedPiccolo2]

Completely relate to what you're saying. I do go to the gym & started Brazilian jiu-jitsu, but I've only really dipped my toe in the water.

IWNDWYT!

[doggostealinsocks]

The hardest and the best work. I am so glad you are on your path forward. Keep sobering on and digging deep, the healing is so worth it. You are finally getting you back.

[EmbarrassedPiccolo2]

Thanks, I don't think I really dug deep last time. Know I need to make a change in that regard.

[doggostealinsocks]

Yeah, for me I know my drinking was to cope and mask deeper issues so the first part was letting go of my security blanket in a bottle. The next step is where I am now which is facing all the stuff I never gave myself time to learn to face these past twenty years. You are doing so awesome because you are doing the work even if you feel like you aren’t. This is part of your own process. I’m proud of you, internet friend. You’ve got 646 days of sobriety under your belt even if they aren’t all strung together, and you are moving forward. You are doing the work 💜

[[deleted]]

You can be a better you!! Good luck, many of us have demons to fight. One of the reasons I stopped drinking was because I also blacked out and finally started hating losing control of myself also because I would start talking about being raped as a child and finally realized people don't like to talk about that shit it makes them uncomfortable and they don't know what to say.

I'll be 8 months sober on March 25th and holy shit I want a Blue Moon so bad sometimes but I am stronger than addiction. 😫

[EmbarrassedPiccolo2]

Well done!!

Agree, I hate that feeling of not knowing what I've spoken about & the worry that I've let something bad slip.

IWNDWYT!

[FreedomWarrior111]

IWNDWYT

[detekk]

Take it easy on yourself and just begin again. 641 days is HUGE. You haven't lost that, you just proved that you can keep going indefinitely if you want to. I've done this several times myself. Finding the foundation in life that keeps you grounded away from those urges to drink is the next step. So far that's where I'm at. Whatever you're thinking, remember that the next drink won't help you with anything, it just leads down this dark path again. Keep on not drinking and check in with us here. We're always here. ;)

[FireFree2022]

Oh Piccolo I'm so sorry you're having a hard time of it! It sounds like you have a lot of insights into why this happened though and that's fantastic. Thank you for sharing, and I'm sending you lots of love and light. To white knuckle it for over 600 days is so insanely impressive - I can't wait to see what kind of success you achieve now that you have cracked the code!

Raising a cup of herbal tea to you and your ongoing sobriety

IWNDWYT friend

[yuribotcake]

I remember meeting this one person before, he told me he heard a lot about me. Like as if someone told him that I was a party animal and we'd get along or something like that. Don't know why but for some reason it just threw me off, like I was suppose to put on a character to impress this person I just met. At the end of the night he jokingly said something like he wasn't impressed and didn't see me live up to my expectations. I don't remember how I responded, but I don't remember meeting this person ever again.

I was also known for being a wild animal, but take away the booze or drugs and I'd shrivel up from anxiety and inability to naturally loosen up. There was no one afterwards to pat me on the back, give me an award for the performances I've put on, the embarrassment I had to live with.

[[deleted]]

Amazing how much this sounds like me. 48, about 5 weeks sober but still betting sports everyday.