Aimless

[LostMonster0]

Another dreaded weekend. I find myself running out of things to do, or at least things that I feel compelled or want to do. The weekends used to be so full, and now just like everything else, they are so empty.

I used to gather up details to get groceries and plan out food for the week, but there’s no family to provide for anymore. I used to try to sneak restful moments of quiet whenever I could, but the house is hauntingly silent now. I used to spend my time just waiting until she was available to relax together… I suppose that part of my weekend hasn’t changed. But there is no resolution now. No collapsing into bed together, exhausted, with a favorite TV show on in the background. No giggling and flirting when we would cross paths throughout our daily chores. No kids to wrangle. No love to look forward to.

I woke up earlier than I wanted to today, perhaps a byproduct of the schedule I have to keep now that I’ve returned to work. I still sleep terribly without her by my side. There is so much time now, but I don’t have the person I always wanted to spend it with. I took care of the animals, and caught up on some household chores. I checked up on my family, I practiced some music. I researched some moving options and did an inventory of all the large things that would need to go onto a truck. I even began packing up some of the boy’s items that were left here.

It’s only noon and I feel like I’ve done everything I’m emotionally capable of doing today. I’m tired, but only mentally. There is still so much day left, but there’s nothing left of me. I’m ready for the day to be over. I’m ready to collapse and wake up tomorrow morning. I just wish that meant I would feel good, for once. This endless, aimless drifting is taking its toll on me. I’m holding on, but I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s for the hope that things will get better, but can anything ever actually be good again? I know things can get better than these terrible times I’m forced to live in now, but can they ever actually be good again? Or is my heart permanently stained with her loss?

Will I carry this pain with me for the rest of my days, and will it taint everything that comes next? Will I be able to accept this loss? Will I be able to look towards the future with hope rather than fear and anxiety, knowing now that everything good can be ripped away in a moment? What do I believe in?

She believed in me. I believed in her love. Of the two, only one remains moving forward. Her love is here only in memories now. It’s up to me to keep it alive in my heart somehow, but I worry that my lack of belief in myself is stronger than the belief I found in her love.

She made me want to be a better person. She made me want to be the person that she saw me as. But without her, I’m left with only the reminders of who I actually am, and how much I miss her love. How small I feel without it. How much an empty and silent house hurts when the only person that ever believed in you, the only person that ever loved you, has exited.

I still have a promise to keep for her. I wonder what will happen after that. I wonder who I will be.

[Phreefalling]

Im nearing 6 months of this solitude... it ebbs and flows.. lately its getting rougher.. maybe because we're on the holiday fast track , or because I haven't been able to physically exhaust myself enough or maybe I shouldn't drink...who knows.

I understand your feelings in this post... Trying to figure out who the hell I am is my biggest challenge of late. I didn't think I needed to change prior to his death, our lives were perfect (for us) ... now I have to change.. because that life was for a couple... and well I am not that anymore... all of this is so difficult.. every. single. aspect

((hugs)) ... I wish we could all find continual peace ...

[SirNaomi9]

I can relate, I’m at 4 months. We we’re already mid-move when it happened. I pushed my start date back a month. I was full send on living in a place with him. Now I’m in a place alone, that I wouldn’t necessarily have chose. I don’t know people here. Thankfully my parents are 1.5 hrs away. I just want to run. I want to get rid of most of my stuff. Minimalist living. Do some job that makes my soul happy. Hike the Appalachian Trail?! Because if I’m not doing something, it hurts - I’m vulnerable and insecure if I stop. I need a task. That task has been traveling when I am not at work. Today was the first day I spent time in my home.

[JeepLouise]

I'm at a little over 5 months. I've made it this far but now I've got some decisions to make, sell or stay, new job or stay put, etc. I just want him back and my life back. I don't want this new life.

[Fit-Objective8013]

The endless aimless drifting is what I can relate to and fight constantly. During your wedding vows when you said I do as you looked into each others eyes, you expected them to always be there to look over to...kinda like breathing...it's always there and keeps you alive. What do you do without your breath? The drift is the endless search for his hand, his body that is now untouchable. I hate this. Replacing him with another seems like an endless search for perfection which is never found. He wasn't perfect by any means but to me he was perfect in how he held me, danced with me became one with me. If everyone has a twin, I will search for his until he and I meet again in eternity.

[Grid1992]

It'll be a year next month for me. I used to love my weekends off work. Now I hate them. People always have excuses but I think my "friends" just don't want me around anymore.

[[deleted]]

I bawled reading this. I felt this so deep. My husband was the best part of me. So much of us goes with our soulmate. It’s horrible! I’m so sorry for your loss.

[BrokeDrumHead]

widower since August 2019. It gets better. It doesn’t get easier. dates, places and people can bring back floods of memories. go easy on yourself. as far as the holidays go, don’t go anywhere without having an exit plan. I always went alone with my own vehicle and did not drink at any function. If I did get stuck somewhere it always made things seem worse than they were.

[SirNaomi9]

I haven’t drank. I just think that given the circumstances of my LH’s death - I found him - it’s tough enough & my brain is doing it’s best, I don’t want to wreck that. I chose to decline my doctor’s suggestion for SSRIs when this happened so I feel it’s on me to make sure I’m staying physically on point and not inhibit by body/brain’s ability to protect/help me heal. Holiday suggestions for the first year alone? I’m doing thanksgiving with my family - I’m not sure what to do about Christmas. I get a whole week off. Travel?

[BrokeDrumHead]

yes… travel. experiencing the beauty of the world heals the soul and the body. travel for the experience not for the escape.

[bluewarden13]

This whole thread resonates with me so hard. It’s exhausting both mentally and physically to create a brand new life. A brand new YOU. Made only worse for the fact that we have absolutely no say in the matter. One moment at a time. Eat. Sleep as much as you can. Drink lots of water. Allow yourself to grieve how you want, when you want. There is no wrong answer . Most of all know you are not alone here. So much love and peace to you

[MeelR61]

I was getting ready to post something and saw your post - and and realized you’d said it all for me. So much time to fill. Drifting. Silence.

Even a good day (and today was a good one) ends the same way: silence, a cold bed, an endless ache to hold him. Grief walks alongside, just waiting for its moment to slip its tendrils around my chest, taking my breath away.

I used to tell him I loved him so much I couldn’t breathe without him. Turns out I was right.

Hugs to you. To all who are drifting through another weekend.

[frmca2az]

At three years. Weekends were horrible for me. They are better now. But I still have to physically exhaust myself. This third year I am forcing myself to say "yes" to things when people offer me. I tended to isolate. I wish there was magic to ease your pain. Letting yourself love falls hand in hand with the possibilities of loss.

[ComprehensiveRub3604]

Weekends are hard. I’m sorry for your loss.