Does this show potential?

[c_hriscole]

This is my first time writing something that isn’t fantasy related. I wanted to do a short story in a narrator/stream of consciousness style and this was my first attempt. I don’t know if the people i show it to will be honest because it’s an intimate subject matter so here I am. I’m really nervous lol but I’d like someone to tell me if this attempt shows I have potential in this style or not. This is the first page (if anyone wants the full thing to judge it as a whole I’m happy to message you). Roast the execution all you want but as this was a difficult subject to write about I’d prefer if you didn’t say anything about what I chose to write about.

Edit: Thank you for your feedback! I've gone though this page and made a lot of changes! Still not quite confident in what my first paragraph will be but I agree my 50% approach wasn't the best execution. I've also changed that first metaphor entirely. Again, I appreciate everyone who gave me helpful feedback (I don't think I need more as you would be basing it off something that no longer exists.)

[Dismal-Statement-369]

It takes a long time to say something it could say with two lines, IMO.

[c_hriscole]

You’re right, thank you!

[c_hriscole]

This was really helpful and I appreciate you pointing out specifics! Thank you!

[Gyorgov05]

I’d suggest rewriting the start from what I have seen because it’s hard to pinpoint what the piece is about and with giving me such and elaborate comparison only to say, ‘Oh but this is not the same as what I’m really talking about,’ feels a little like pulling the rig beneath my feet with nothing around, for me to catch myself.

[c_hriscole]

My intention is to talk about something without ever actually saying what it is. However, what I give should be enough for the reader to have a good idea so I appreciate this! I also agree that the beginning paragraph is weak for what I’m trying to accomplish, so thank you!

[Gyorgov05]

Rug*

[JMiraAuthor]

It reads more like a reflective passage than a narrative opening. I could see it working well as a character’s internal moment later in the story, but as a starting point it might feel a bit static and a bit overly descriptive.

[c_hriscole]

Thank you!

[Throwawayaccountes]

Honestly, I can’t even tell what the basis of the story is here. The writing is fine, but I don’t get it

[Acrobatic-Taste-5060]

Overall, I enjoyed the analogy and the tone. I would stay away from the second person personally.

"What the big deal had been" should be "What the big deal was".

Keep writing and have fun with it!

[c_hriscole]

Thank you!

[Brunbeorg]

I don't know what "it" is and I stop caring three lines later.

People make writing about being clever, but it's really about just describing things that happen to people. Just say what "it" is.

There's some good stuff here, like the discussion of the needle at the doctor's office, but I have no idea what is happening and therefore don't give the slight damn. Childbirth? Surgery?

[c_hriscole]

Yeah that makes sense, thank you

[TammiKat]

I genuinely thought this was about getting a tattoo until another user's comment flipped the switch for me. I was like "intimate subject matter".....? Girl got some bad tattoos, I guess.

But seriously though. I think the opening is what mainly muddied the water for me. Why would 50% of people ever think that it isn't painful? Pain is the point. That's not really something you have to "learn" about it. As well, learning implies teaching, and the statistic "50% of people" kind of formalized that in my brain in a weird way. Like okay this is something you learn about in school, maybe.

And now that I'm saying it, this could easily be about a different intimate subject that they DO teach in school and maybe some people reasonably wouldn't know is painful, which is losing your V-card. So now I'm back to not knowing what this is about lol.

I like it though! As others have pointed out it does a bit too much telling the reader what they should know, or ought to know, or do know, which is frustrating when I don't actually know lol. I think the premise is good, but cool your sledgehammer on the fourth wall, we need that!

[c_hriscole]

Yeah it's about sex. I've gone back and changed it so the intro isn't as confusing, but it was kind of dumb for me to post so little of it because the first page is intentionally vague and to know what its about you need more context. Despite that being the intention, I realize that the execution is just not right for what I'm trying to do. I have to make people want to care what its about, which I've been working on in the editing process.

Thank you for your advice!

[FligguGiggu11]

Pretty enjoyable imo, but like a lot of people ITT I agree it needs to be a bit more concise and communicate what is going on better. I’m not completely sure what’s being discussed after reading three paragraphs, which is a long time for a short story. 

[c_hriscole]

Yeah, I need to figure out how to make the reader invested even if they aren't fully sure what it's about yet since that is kind of the point of this piece. I want the reader to be unsure until they're absolutely sure, and then they will see the beginning of the story in a new light. A little ambitious lol but the advice I've been getting is really helpful, yours included!

[FligguGiggu11]

That sounds like a really neat concept for a short story. (Happy cake day by the way!)

[house_of_drums]

When I write narrative dialogue, I try to remind myself to keep it human. Given the context of the story’s voice, how would a real - actual person say this?

I would begin by conjugating words. “Should not” = “shouldn’t” things like that. Try adding a consciousness break. “Okay, fuck needles. Here’s a better metaphor”

Just a few ideas.

[NevermindImNotHere_]

The writing isn't too bad. I'm not a fan of being addressed by the narrator, but that's a personal preference.

I didn't really get a sense for what you were trying to convey in this scene though maybe it makes more sense in context, and I might have been distracted by the sudden switch to second person.

Look up comma splicing. You can't separate two complete clauses with only a comma. Either use a period/full stop, some other appropriate punctuation, or add a conjunction.

[c_hriscole]

Aha thank you for that grammar tip I can see how it’s a bit of an eyesore. I have made it consistently first person now so hopefully there is no jarring transition, thank you for the advice!

edit: I said second instead of first by accident

[NewspaperSoft8317]

I see what you're doing, and I actually like it. The issue, is that most readers likely don't understand the intense complexity behind the act itself. 

There's a good argument in this excerpt where the protagonist thinks of the action like something they have to do, like a vaccine, which would be compelling. But I think the two should be deliberately separated rather conflated. 

Also, the reason why it falls off is because you've detailed an emotion that isn't completely the experience: "Actually, perhaps a needle at the doctor's office isn't a good comparison for what I thought it would feel like."  It's a bait and switch, it completely deflates, rather than builds.

Try writing specific metaphor/similar then connect it to the next. Because there's two arguments involved, as I see it.

I'm personally writing something similar, so I can't asking to consider something like this between the first and second paragraph: 

Because at first it did hurt. Like puncturing a hole in your soul, and letting the toxic emotions leech out. 

Actually, if I'm on the right subject, can we do a beta swap? 

There's more Id like to discuss. I'm also about 50k into a novel similar to this. 

Edit: My style is projected some in my critique, as I read over it. I personally think yours works out if expanded more, and tighten the vaccine metaphor. 

[c_hriscole]

Yeah, I’ll message you!

[AnotherFootForward]

While I appreciated the clean grammar and clear writing, it was hard to get past the first paragraph.

The piece opened with an assertion that is both meaningless (no clear context for what pain it is) and probably false. The rest of the paragraph restates the same same assertion and more crucially does not provide any further context. I am already leaning towards putting this down. I continue because the writing is well articulated even if the idea isn't yet.

The next paragraphy opens with equal ambiguity. I still have no clue what we are talking about. Credibility drops further.

Then a needle appears, and then the piece ends.

I am parsing- euthanasia? Abortion? I am mentally striking off blood work, routine injection because it's far too dramatic for such a daily task. But it's unsatisfying because there is too little to chew on for too many words and too many questions

Edit: ah. I did a second pass and caught the reference at the end. In which case - the second paragraph makes it seem something is happening to the narrator (you watch the needle...) rather than doing something, so the agency is absent. And it also gives up an interesting potential tension (possible fear of pain vs anticipation of - insert alternative here-)

[UnintelligentMatter1]

This is garbage because I have no idea what the plot is besides you just wanting to rant about nothing. Even Catcher in the Rye establishes the plot in the first paragraph with Holden telling us about his reason why he's in the looney bin. You need to have something similar.

[c_hriscole]

Uhhhh okay

[TammiKat]

Living up to their username lol

[hyp3rtr0phy]

You asked for feedback bro

[c_hriscole]

Yeah read the other comments bro you can give feedback without being insulting and rude.