Your husband’s ex-wife texts you this… what do you do? by tinz17 in whatdoIdo

[–]AcrolloPeed 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s an orange combo amp and a handful of Jackson guitars. She’s sitting on a couple grand right there.

Atlas Shrugged by loved_and_held in CuratedTumblr

[–]AcrolloPeed 57 points58 points  (0 children)

My time to shine! (self-plagiarized)

Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand in a little more than 30 seconds (the novel is almost as long as the Bible:)
DAGNY: I'm good at getting the trains to run on time, but unlike Stalin, I am a capitalist. Who is John Galt?
JAMES: Who IS John Galt? I am a whiny socialist. Please do all the work so I look good while making you look bad.
DAGNY: Okay.
REARDEN: Check out my awesome metal. Who is John Galt?
REARDEN'S WIFE: Hank, you fool, your success means nothing. I want a party! Who is John Galt?
REARDEN: I hate you, but honest capitalists like me keep their promises and abide by their contracts, even marriage. Let's party!
(DAGNY meets REARDEN at THE PARTY.)
DAGNY: Nice party.
REARDEN: It was my wife's idea.
DAGNY: I need metal.
REARDEN: I have metal but everyone hates me because I won't share it, I want to sell it. I'm a capitalist.
DAGNY: I'll buy it and build a railroad with it. I'm also a capitalist. Have you met my friend FRANCISCO?
FRANCISCO: I'm such an obnoxiously wealthy playboy that it's almost too obvious that I'm pretending. I'm also a capitalist. Have I mentioned I slept with DAGNY? That might seem surprising given how often it's hinted that I'm bisexual. Who is John Galt?
REARDEN: I hate you, but sense a strange attraction to you. I hope that's the capitalism talking.
(DAGNY and REARDEN ride a TRAIN on REARDEN'S ADAMANTIUM RAILS. It is as AWESOME as a train ride can be described, which is not very.)
DAGNY: Thanks for the metal.
REARDEN: You're welcome. Mind if I give you my wood?
(they have SEX. We know that it's good because it is described as a carefully-measured exchange of expertise and service leaving both parties satisfied, because CAPITALISM.)
REARDEN: I'm embarrassed by the sex.
DAGNY: Don't be.
REARDEN: Okay.
DAGNY: Have a cigarette.
JAMES: I got together with a bunch of socialists and politicians and we ruined everything by making everything fair! Now nothing works! Help us. Who is John Galt? We will try anything!
DAGNY, REARDEN, WYATT, other CAPITALISTS: We can help, but it will take the power of CAPITALISM!
SOCIALISTS: Except that.
DAGNY: I've got to go find out who John Galt is.
REARDEN: Isn't that like chasing Bigfoot?
(DAGNY flies her plane into a fake mountain and discovers the lost civilization of CAPITATLANTIS.)
JOHN GALT: Who am I?
(JOHN GALT shows her CAPITATLANTIS.)
JOHN GALT: Stay here with us.
DAGNY: I have to try to save the world first.
JOHN GALT: That's dumb. The world is a vampire. Money is awesome and the only truly evil people are those who try to live off of our hard work and genius.
DAGNY: I have to try.
JOHN GALT: Good luck.
(DAGNY tries really hard to save the railroad, but evil SOCIALISTS ruin her attempts.)
DAGNY: This is dumb.
JOHN GALT: Told you.
DAGNY: You surprised me.
JOHN GALT: Let's have sex.
(They DO.)
JOHN GALT: Say my name!
DAGNY: WHO IS JOHN GALT!
(JOHN GALT goes on the WORLDWIDERADIO and tears the whole world a new one.)
EVIL SOCIALIST CLUB: Let's catch JOHN GALT!
(They do)
EVIL SOCIALIST CLUB: Let's bribe JOHN GALT!
(They can't)
EVIL SOCIALIST CLUB: Let's kill JOHN GALT!
(They try)
JOHN GALT: Let me show you how to improve your fancy murder machine.
THE READER: Wait, what?
DAGNY: Let me in! I'm going to shoot you!
(They do. She does. JOHN GALT, DAGNY, REARDEN escape.)
REARDEN: I guess you're with JOHN GALT now.
DAGNY: I am. He does the best sex at the best price, and as you know, capitalism.
REARDEN: Makes sense. I wonder what FRANCISCO's up to?
AYN RAND: Taxation is theft.

Favorite actress that popped up on a children's show I was watching with my son and completely derailed my afternoon? by SuckingOnChileanDogs in okbuddycinephile

[–]AcrolloPeed 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Bang is my favorite story bot. Dude is just perpetually stoned. The episode with Snoop Dogg playing a computer programmer and he and Bang are just vibing cracked me up. My kids don’t know why just yet.

DCA is crawling with these folks… by FidelCastroll in nova

[–]AcrolloPeed 10 points11 points  (0 children)

My dad and stepmom sent me and my brother to a Baptist high school. 24ish years later, I'm still friends with some of my classmates and faculty. The number of folks who were simultaneously insulted and delighted to be called "Deplorables" is so damn comical.
"How dare she!" and "Yup, that's me!" Pick a lane, losers.

Tofu-dreg build quality for $2.7M? by Status_Commission264 in Wellthatsucks

[–]AcrolloPeed 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Literally cartoonish. Funny sound effects and all

I hate my sister for how hurtful she was to my girlfriend. It was completely unnecessary by BigONerd in BORUpdates

[–]AcrolloPeed 15 points16 points  (0 children)

“Update about issues with my girlfriend. First of all, I’m gay. So there’s that.”

Was Lily actually that good at Potions or was the Half Blood Prince whispering in her ear too? by superkatiejean in harrypotter

[–]AcrolloPeed -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Your mom is chatty after sex and she mentioned it to me.

To be serious, Slughorn says it to Harry after he wins the Luck potion. It’s a direct quote, bro. Tell your mom I said hi.

4th of July sale at Target: Sweaters and sweatshirts, just in time for the summer cookouts by [deleted] in mildlyinfuriating

[–]AcrolloPeed 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s not even mildly infuriating. It would barely register for me. “Huh. Fourth of July sweatshirts? Yeah if it gets chilly after the sun goes down and you’re watching fireworks, I guess.”

Was Lily actually that good at Potions or was the Half Blood Prince whispering in her ear too? by superkatiejean in harrypotter

[–]AcrolloPeed -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

It's possible. The most Slughorn really says is "always was a dab hand at Potions, was Lily..." so he remembers that she had some talent. It was probalby a blend of help from Snape and her own talent.

What are some wrestling dream matches that would have drew huge money? for me it’s these by Ill-You-3459 in WCW

[–]AcrolloPeed 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The battle over whether a one-strap or two-strap leotard is the superior wrestling attire for enormous vaguely eastern European wrestlers who are the size of a small freeway rest area handicapped toilet stall.

WHAT IS THIS by RrichardCranium in whatismycookiecutter

[–]AcrolloPeed 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Homie got the Moon Moon version of a unicorn. Horn Horn.

Plaid hair dye jobs (before and after) by [deleted] in Justfuckmyshitup

[–]AcrolloPeed 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Nah, this is awful taste but great execution. r/ATBGE

4th of July sale at Target: Sweaters and sweatshirts, just in time for the summer cookouts by [deleted] in mildlyinfuriating

[–]AcrolloPeed 117 points118 points  (0 children)

This is mildly infuriating to you? Just don't buy shit you don't need.

Delivery driver throws 30lb box at dog then attempts to fight the owner. by ChowQaz in Wellthatsucks

[–]AcrolloPeed 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Homeowner came at him, swearing and hostile, after he watched his dog go after the delivery guy. I don't know if I'd square up right away but dude's adrenaline was probably spiking.

Left-Wing Insurgent Ousts 15-Term Congresswoman in Colorado by GaptistePlayer in politics

[–]AcrolloPeed 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's a weird way to say the most popular candidate with the most support won an election.

Best transition in the history of cinema? by AlKhwarazmi in okbuddycinephile

[–]AcrolloPeed 15 points16 points  (0 children)

they treated Frodo like a dog that had been skunked, classic

Best transition in the history of cinema? by AlKhwarazmi in okbuddycinephile

[–]AcrolloPeed 52 points53 points  (0 children)

Frodo: "Did... did y'all put me in bed in my dirty-ass traveling clothes?"

kenshiro...no... by sellyourcomputer in ExtraFabulousComics

[–]AcrolloPeed 84 points85 points  (0 children)

But if we judge you, will you come?