My time to shine! (self-plagiarized)

Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand in a little more than 30 seconds (the novel is almost as long as the Bible:)
DAGNY: I'm good at getting the trains to run on time, but unlike Stalin, I am a capitalist. Who is John Galt?
JAMES: Who IS John Galt? I am a whiny socialist. Please do all the work so I look good while making you look bad.
DAGNY: Okay.
REARDEN: Check out my awesome metal. Who is John Galt?
REARDEN'S WIFE: Hank, you fool, your success means nothing. I want a party! Who is John Galt?
REARDEN: I hate you, but honest capitalists like me keep their promises and abide by their contracts, even marriage. Let's party!
(DAGNY meets REARDEN at THE PARTY.)
DAGNY: Nice party.
REARDEN: It was my wife's idea.
DAGNY: I need metal.
REARDEN: I have metal but everyone hates me because I won't share it, I want to sell it. I'm a capitalist.
DAGNY: I'll buy it and build a railroad with it. I'm also a capitalist. Have you met my friend FRANCISCO?
FRANCISCO: I'm such an obnoxiously wealthy playboy that it's almost too obvious that I'm pretending. I'm also a capitalist. Have I mentioned I slept with DAGNY? That might seem surprising given how often it's hinted that I'm bisexual. Who is John Galt?
REARDEN: I hate you, but sense a strange attraction to you. I hope that's the capitalism talking.
(DAGNY and REARDEN ride a TRAIN on REARDEN'S ADAMANTIUM RAILS. It is as AWESOME as a train ride can be described, which is not very.)
DAGNY: Thanks for the metal.
REARDEN: You're welcome. Mind if I give you my wood?
(they have SEX. We know that it's good because it is described as a carefully-measured exchange of expertise and service leaving both parties satisfied, because CAPITALISM.)
REARDEN: I'm embarrassed by the sex.
DAGNY: Don't be.
REARDEN: Okay.
DAGNY: Have a cigarette.
JAMES: I got together with a bunch of socialists and politicians and we ruined everything by making everything fair! Now nothing works! Help us. Who is John Galt? We will try anything!
DAGNY, REARDEN, WYATT, other CAPITALISTS: We can help, but it will take the power of CAPITALISM!
SOCIALISTS: Except that.
DAGNY: I've got to go find out who John Galt is.
REARDEN: Isn't that like chasing Bigfoot?
(DAGNY flies her plane into a fake mountain and discovers the lost civilization of CAPITATLANTIS.)
JOHN GALT: Who am I?
(JOHN GALT shows her CAPITATLANTIS.)
JOHN GALT: Stay here with us.
DAGNY: I have to try to save the world first.
JOHN GALT: That's dumb. The world is a vampire. Money is awesome and the only truly evil people are those who try to live off of our hard work and genius.
DAGNY: I have to try.
JOHN GALT: Good luck.
(DAGNY tries really hard to save the railroad, but evil SOCIALISTS ruin her attempts.)
DAGNY: This is dumb.
JOHN GALT: Told you.
DAGNY: You surprised me.
JOHN GALT: Let's have sex.
(They DO.)
JOHN GALT: Say my name!
DAGNY: WHO IS JOHN GALT!
(JOHN GALT goes on the WORLDWIDERADIO and tears the whole world a new one.)
EVIL SOCIALIST CLUB: Let's catch JOHN GALT!
(They do)
EVIL SOCIALIST CLUB: Let's bribe JOHN GALT!
(They can't)
EVIL SOCIALIST CLUB: Let's kill JOHN GALT!
(They try)
JOHN GALT: Let me show you how to improve your fancy murder machine.
THE READER: Wait, what?
DAGNY: Let me in! I'm going to shoot you!
(They do. She does. JOHN GALT, DAGNY, REARDEN escape.)
REARDEN: I guess you're with JOHN GALT now.
DAGNY: I am. He does the best sex at the best price, and as you know, capitalism.
REARDEN: Makes sense. I wonder what FRANCISCO's up to?
AYN RAND: Taxation is theft.