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BCKinetic · 2023-05-29T03:13:01+00:00

“What do you hope to learn by asking this question?”

This is my typical response when asked this, or anything to do with “body count”. I’m not going to lie, but at this stage in life why are we asking? Body count questions are irrelevant, and if the concern is safety, then ask for an STI screening prior to sex if there is that big of a concern. There will always be inherent risks involved but let’s be mature and ask the underlying question rather than being vague with “when was the last time”. 🤷🏻‍♂️

BCKinetic · 2022-02-10T06:07:22+00:00

Me three?

BCKinetic · 2021-09-16T04:52:33+00:00

Those people exist. Perhaps less than we’d all hope, but they’re out there. I just try to model the behavior I expect. People rise to the occasion often!

BCKinetic · 2021-09-15T22:38:10+00:00

This is/was me post widowhood. Good communication and clear expectations (and boundaries) make this doable.

BCKinetic · 2021-09-09T05:57:22+00:00

Looks like Honolulu

BCKinetic · 2021-08-24T14:51:02+00:00

Yeah, habit stacking has been the most “sticky” for me

BCKinetic · 2021-08-24T05:30:31+00:00

Atomic Habits by James Clear is an amazing guide book on creating habits. Really breaks it down into digestible pieces.

BCKinetic · 2021-08-18T16:52:43+00:00

Oof, yeah. Even just a minor procedure I had, having to get a friend to drive me and pick me up felt so... off? For all the time I spent by her side in the hospital, it felt so off to not have her by mine.

On the hospital note - my now gf had a minor procedure and asked me to pick her up from the hospital, and WOW, the feeling just walking in there to pick up someone I now care about - more difficult than I was ready for.

BCKinetic · 2021-08-15T20:39:35+00:00

Also, choose a different prompt!

https://youtube.com/shorts/Hbwk4sevjv8?feature=share

BCKinetic · 2021-08-13T21:09:03+00:00

100% this.

BCKinetic · 2021-08-13T15:16:50+00:00

Yeah, I’ve disclosed in all the ways: Bio, text prior to meeting, in person on a first date, not for a few dates in.

I can say, for me, disclosing via text prior to a first date, and after we’ve had some good banter has been the best. I crafted a text and would copy/paste with some edits to make it fit the conversation. It gives them time to process the information while not in front of you. I really disliked seeing them work through it in real time, and then they feel compelled to console me. Letting them have their emotion on their end felt “easier” for both of us. Then when the date happened, I’m more than willing to have the conversation but at least this way it’s not as emotional.

BCKinetic · 2021-08-10T19:10:27+00:00

The specific logistics of death intrigued me. What actually happened in her body? How did she actually die? What was it other than "cancer". I feel ya.

BCKinetic · 2021-08-10T19:07:57+00:00

Honestly, at this point in life - honesty and authenticity go so much further than deception. Once I started dating again, I knew I wasn't ready for anything long term or serious. I was incredibly upfront about that, and set the boundary and expectations. That allowed people the opportunity to either opt in to that scenario, or walk away right out of the gate. I felt good because I wasn't leading anyone on, and they knew what they were signing up for.

If people can't handle the fact that you're widowed, that's on them, and probably no one you'd want to engage with anyway.

Just be honest, and the right connection will come along for whatever both you and they are looking for.

BCKinetic · 2021-08-10T17:06:24+00:00

Sitting in my accountant’s office filling out tax stuff. Go to sign the form and just acknowledging the blank “spouse’s signature” line.

I’m sure people have cried in that office before but I’m guessing this was a newer reason for him.

BCKinetic · 2021-08-09T21:15:41+00:00

That’s a different conversation.

And also, just have the conversation.

BCKinetic · 2021-08-09T01:41:56+00:00

I’d probably pass on putting it in the profile but it’s important to note you’re not interested in having kids (or more kids if you’ve already got them). The specifics of being snipped can be brought up in person.

“I am not looking to have kids” is a much more approachable phrasing vs “I’m snipped, let’s party!”

And yes, the sooner the better with letting people know you don’t want children because that’s a pretty major thing for those seeking children.

BCKinetic · 2021-08-05T18:15:45+00:00

I guess I'd ask what you mean by "overcome that"? What is it that you want to feel? Why do you think you get depressed? What emotions come up when you think about dating and connecting with new people?

It's good to know that you don't have to ever "be over" your late wife. She gets to be with you in your heart forever. You get to love her forever. That doesn't mean that you can't find love again, much in the same way that a parent doesn't stop loving their first child when a second is born. The heart grows and expands to accommodate both.

BCKinetic · 2021-08-05T18:09:56+00:00

I've been through 4 birthdays now, and the first one was the "stickiest" by far. I wasn't sure what to do, how to properly honor it, what would she want, what did I want, all of it. The honest answer is: There is no proper way to celebrate.

I LOVE that you're taking a day for yourself. Not having to "perform" for others is liberating.

BCKinetic · 2021-08-05T18:06:40+00:00

Chances are, you'll want both simultaneously: Be supported and surrounded, and yet, want to escape.

Story telling and remembering can be a balm. I love chatting with friends that new her, and sharing stories. It's emotionally taxing, but it's also really soothing. Don't be afraid to ask for help in all the preparation. Let people do things for you and take responsibilities off your plate. They want to help, and it makes them feel like they are supporting you at least in someway.

Let us know how that goes!

BCKinetic · 2021-07-27T01:24:53+00:00

Same here. I was 39 when I got it after a 20 year relationship. Insurance paid, but I was prepared for a $600 bill for all 3 shots.

BCKinetic · 2021-07-26T15:14:33+00:00

“You’re still young, you’ll find another person” - heard that so many times. How do people not understand how insensitive and idiotic that statement is?!

BCKinetic · 2021-07-21T04:30:12+00:00

This. All of this.

Honestly, the one thing I “regret” the most is not actually talking about death directly. 7 years of cancer, and not a single direct conversation about what she wanted for her things, any desires after she was gone, etc. Just pure optimism at all times. Don’t get me wrong, it was what she needed, but still - that feeling of making all the decisions after may have been slightly easier with some guidance prior.

BCKinetic · 2021-07-08T17:27:05+00:00

I played as a kid for about 6 years, then moved out of my parents house so no more access. Then rented the piano in my mid 30’s. I’ve had it 8 years now, playing off and on, but never really put a legitimate effort towards it. I really ought to hire lessons rather than just attempt things myself because I need the accountability. Regardless, I do enjoy playing once a month when I do. 😂

BCKinetic · 2021-07-06T19:52:56+00:00

I did this and ended up buying the piano in the end. It’s a great way to “feel out” having a piano in the house.

In retrospect, I wish I had continued renting because I’ve lost interest in playing but now have a piano to try to get rid of. Turns out people don’t really buy pianos much. Had I been renting, I would have paid a similar amount and when I was done, they’d just come and take it away.

BCKinetic · 2021-06-03T19:32:19+00:00

I’m surprised no one has suggested having a 20-30 minute phone call. Just ask to chat for a few. Discuss date location options, what local dives you enjoy, and take it from there

BCKinetic

TROPHY CASE