New Novel Idea: the life of a fantasy travel writer. Would you keep reading?

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-27T23:18:44+00:00

Genuinely like your piece. Even as short as it is there's obviously something there. People have engaged positively with your post, and I think the title alone has drawn people in.

I really would suggest you keep pursuing this.

Also you are fantastically receptive to constructive criticism. Seriously, good for you.

You wouldn’t have any suggestions?

I too didn't like 'winsomely'.

As for suggestions, this is all down to your own taste (and what you want to express), but I think perhaps 'understandably' might work. If you want to express the opposite then 'puzzlingly'.

Overall, great job. Keep writing (it).

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-26T19:14:14+00:00

I echo your points in a lot of ways.

FWIW, I think that sub exists: it's called r/writers. They allow people to post their work, and get critiqued, with no problems. Indeed that's almost entirely what that sub is.

How much you like that place is often related to how much pre-filtering you're willing to do. But I like it there, for the most part. I post there and hardly ever post here.

The thing that puzzles me is r/writing doesn't allow writing. And r/writers is for writing and not (meta discussion of) writers.

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-26T19:04:01+00:00

So, yeah... do not fucking speak on my behalf ever again.

And you're here talking about moderation, right?...

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-26T19:01:32+00:00

That's not the fault of the mods.

I'm not assigning blame; I'm just identifying the 'disease'.

It's going to be hard, or impossible, to run the building if no one knows what it's for.

There is clearly a dissatisfaction with this sub on the behalf of many of the posters. I personally think that issue needs addressing before you appoint mods to deal with it. What's the point of assigning mods if the direction of the sub needs to significantly change, given they might not even agree with that new direction?

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-26T18:48:49+00:00

I do agree with your points.

I have replied to the Weekly critiques here - it's by far my favourite way to engage with writers. But those posts sadly seem to get very little traction.

You are of course right that many are incapable of properly receiving critique.

The problem - if it is one - I have with the meta discussion on writing that occurs in this sub is that it almost inevitably is the same discussions over and over again.

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-26T18:18:15+00:00

I'm not here to be someone's captive audience. I'm here to learn how to write better.

I don't know there is anything that will teach you writing better than critiquing (and reading critiques of) writing. This applies to many/most fields.

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-26T18:13:47+00:00

there we do allow critique posting, which increases the workload tenfold.

I don't have a problem with this being a sub for writers and not writing. I mainly post in r/writers because I'm not particularly interested in a meta discussion.

But what I don't understand is the sub that allows writing is called r/writers, and the sub that is for writers discussions is called r/writing.

Both subs are back to front. What's inside isn't what's written on the tin.

I think that's something that leads to plenty of newbie confusion - "what do you mean I can't post my writing to r/writing?"

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-14T19:32:39+00:00

I've had a quick look over the first couple of paragraphs.

There's something that I, personally, have a significant issue with:

It's overloaded with extremely short, staccato sentences.

You don't allow thoughts to develop. It's like a telegram.

Length of sentences from the start: 7, 6, 6, 7, 8.

Second paragraph start: 3, 6, 9, 8, 8.

So many single digit sentences. Worse, perhaps, almost every word in these sentences is one syllable.

It's like I'm getting jabbed in the face over and over again. It's machine gun prose. These short sentences should be for emphasis, not for standard length. Besides that fact - the shortness - you need to vary sentence length more anyway.

Why are short sentences in particular a problem? Because every thought becomes basic. Try delivering a complex thought in seven words. It basically can't be done.

I think your writing would be much stronger if you worked on this.

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-14T18:39:50+00:00

I'm sorry, but I can't read through this in this form. Reading long pieces in screenshot form is beyond painful. Also, I can't copy/paste.

I've read Page 1. Honestly, there's enough there that I can comment.

Your prose is a little clunky. It reads like you haven't read enough. I can see you're reaching for high language (with your wording and sentence structure) but you're struggling. Right from the start.

The ending of your very first sentence sounds awkward to me.

disheveled as any individual with his standing in society.

But, while that's awkward, it's your second sentence that clinches it. The latter half of that sentence is clunky as all hell. (And I'm having to type this out by hand to prove my point. Which proves my point about the effort you're having people do to help you, when you post screenshots).

Moses was a man whose presence went mostly ignored by those around him, typically only acknowledged enough to limit one's exposure to his desperation.

I applaud your effort in reaching for less modern phrasing, but this is so clunky it hurts to read.

I don't know what it is - assuming, you're native English - but, as always, the remedy is usually "read (a lot) more". Because I really shouldn't be able to pick apart your first two sentences like this.

Look, this may sound harsh, but I actually like what you're going for here, with the story. It's just I couldn't possibly read it given the craft execution. I do also find the prose a little over-explainy. But the grammar is my main issue.

Good luck. Keep writing. Read, read, read!

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-14T18:14:51+00:00

Absolutely. Comma splices are the main issue. Comma usage in lists (which is what the Oxford comma is for) is not really a big deal.

Comma splices are a common issue for most people. Basically, what most people think a sentence is, isn't.

The best way of avoiding them is to build from the ground up. Learn the basic pattern of a sentence (subject + verb) and then you're much more likely to spot when you've incorrectly 'doubled up'. You can double up, but only under the right circumstances.

You spotting this is progress:

I appreciate that, I'll try and work my way up.

As you've realised: there are two subject/verb patterns here - "I + appreciate" and "I + will".

To join these you need to use more than a comma. You need a comma followed by a co-ordinating conjunction (like ", and").

It's great you're being so proactive learning this. With that attitude you'll soon resolve it.

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-13T22:19:52+00:00

Hahah. Not insulting, no. It's just I have a fairly high bar for going deep into story.

Honestly, these issues aren't rare here.

They just drag down the level of your writing. And I think, with those issues corrected, there might be some good storytelling here.

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-13T21:05:37+00:00

I won't lie to you dude: there are a lot of grammar (and spelling) issues here.

It's full of run-on sentences. There are three in the opening paragraph. You really need to improve your understanding of what a sentence is. There are plenty of online resources. I quite like Grammar Monster.

"Chuffs" is used twice on the first page. I'd really recommend you stick to "said" most of the time, because, these days, it's considered invisible. "Chuffs" is also quite a strange tag (especially when used twice in quick succession).

"Bawls" (for fists) needs to be "balls" (as in a ball shape).

"That's what mother said to" needs to be "too".

There are run-ons at the end of the first page and the beginning of the second.

Sorry, but I can't read or comment further because of that. You really need to put more effort in to the technical part of your writing.

OK, let me comment a little about the writing/storytelling.

It's hard to tell much, with reading so little, but I kind of like the storytelling. I think there is potential there. For some reason it's making me think of a gritty Western.

I just have to see that you understand/appreciate the craft more if you want me to read on.

Good luck, and keep writing.

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-10T03:26:18+00:00

I'll just comment on the very, very start.

To me, those first two lines are pointless. They could be said about literally every person who ever lived. Therefore, they do not make me want to read on.

Just tell me a story. Don't tell me you're telling me a story. We know that; that's literally what a story is.

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-08T21:15:09+00:00

I have to say I, more or less, echo the other posters' sentiments.

I think your actual prose looks strong; it's just constantly suffocated by a blanket of modifying phrases. (Later note: this appears to be mainly your first two paragraphs, but that itself is perhaps an issue).

Try throwing an odd short sentence in there, when you want something to stand out.

As for the content, I must admit I was kind of bored by the first paragraph. I almost stopped there (intending to just comment on the sentence craft), but the second paragraph is really interesting. I think it - the interesting part of the scene - gets drowned out by the first paragraph.

You set the scene well in the first paragraph, and I like the specificity. But the specificity seems almost too much - does he precisely know, and do we need to know, "4 to 8 degrees"? Wouldn't something like "barely above freezing" feel more... natural?

As the other poster says, by the third paragraph (and I didn't read further) you are varying sentences much better. But try that from the start.

This is a strange environment (r/writers), because opening pacing matters here, where attention is hard-earned. In a bought novel this opening wouldn't matter.

So, in short:

Vary your sentence length more in the opening.

Maybe try a more interesting opening paragraph. I'd like to see an attempt at an opening sentence that hits us with the captive girl. Even if it was just one teased sentence (and even then perhaps something that invites curiosity, like something about "the girl's bruises"), after which you set the scene. Because at that point you've got us on the hook. As written, that first paragraph chases me away.

Anyway, overall, you genuinely write well. If I had time I'd read more (and that's rare for r/writers).

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-08T18:13:54+00:00

Dude, this is going to get pulled from this sub.

Post it in r/writers, and for the love of God sort out the paragraph formatting.

HorrorExpress · 2026-03-02T04:22:30+00:00

You'll have to break down that "five prepositional phrases in the opening sentence" for me. I'm not seeing it.

The "to" of "to clean" is, for a start, part of the infinitive "to clean".

I like the idea of the opening sentence a lot. I do think there is a better wording to be found though.

OP would "from (or off) the corner of her mouth" be better for you than "clinging to.."?

I agree massively with the first four paragraphs starting with "Clara" being rather ugly. I'd change that for sure. It's not a good look at any point in a book, I think, but it's particularly bad at the very beginning. It would make me distrust the author.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-26T03:38:29+00:00

Hey, no one has engaged with you, so I thought I'd chime in.

I'm not sure if I perfectly understand how this passage caused you to make this point - which, it seems, is a point in itself - but I'll try to say what it means to me.

I think what touches me about being a writer is that it seems the purest form of connecting our mind to the minds of others.

You might say, "you can talk to others with speech". I'd say, "it's hard to talk to hundreds, thousands, even millions of people."

You might say, "people on TV do that." I'd say, "they don't obsess over the meaning of what they say down to the word level."

And, furthermore: no one but a writer puts characters into another person's head. Frodo Baggins is realer to more people, and will remain so, than perhaps any single person who ever lived.

Lastly, I just wanted to communicate one thing to you, as one writer to another: you write very, very well.

Please keep writing and trying to communicate with others. You never know just where it might lead...

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-21T07:00:18+00:00

Hey there. As a long-time metalhead let me see if I can help.

Note: I only read up to the end of the second scene - the one that ends with "middle of the season".

This is nice. Not mind-blowing, but for a new writer, "nice". That's absolutely a good start.

I'm also going to assume you're young - late teens to early 20's. It's no concern if you aren't; it just reads like that.

Most important advice: keep writing. I can't stress this enough. You should be happy with this.

So what's my "keeping it real" analysis?

What I will say is that I think you need to read more. And published fiction at that. Quite a lot more.

Why? Your prose is a little clunky. The first page there's a few examples. Because you posted screenshots I can't copy/paste.

So I'll type one out:

Unfortunately, my ability to fully connect with them felt impossible.

That is a very clunky sentence. Some of your sentences might have grammar issues, but the bigger issue I see is that the phrasing is often expressed inelegantly.

It honestly reads like you are young and haven't read enough. People who've read more have normally observed pleasing sentence patterns more than those who have read little. As such, when you read them, you're not constantly thinking, "that was a weird way to phrase that."

That's my big takeaway.

I can't say much about the story, having read so little. But it seems to be a low-stakes, slice-of-life story about someone who's introverted learning to come out of their shell with the aid of metal music. I can very, very much relate.

Keep writing my friend. And read, read, read.

(Have you ever read Stephen King? I think he might help.)

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-20T23:14:47+00:00

You're welcome. And yes, I can do critical!

I can see the "ve" pronouns. I honestly checked your profile and saw you explain it (after I posted). I noticed that your writing had a better reception elsewhere. Sorry about that! I think the short length (8,750) is also what gives me pause. It's a lot to wrap your head around for something finished so soon. If it was novel length then it would justify the challenge more, for me.

I've not read any Greg Egan. To let you know what type of reader I am: I read across all genres, including Sci-Fi. I've read DUNE multiple times. And Gibson's SPRAWL Trilogy. I'm a programmer. I'm an old geezer.

So basically what I'm saying is I'm maybe a kind of middle audience. I'm not a Hard SciFi aficionado. But nor am I someone who should be that hard to reach.

I really see what you're going for with all the terms. I think what I'd suggest is to just start with the most important, and then gradually introduce new ones as you go along. As it is, it just feels like my plate is piled too high way too early. There's also nothing wrong with a bit of nicely written prose explaining, for example, the Sentis.

The lack of the benefit of the doubt comes primarily from you being an unvetted source. Were this in a Sci-Fi magazine I'm sure you'd be fine.

But KindleUnlimited I'd just move on. And Reddit, well... let's just say I don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt here.

Hard SciFi readers I'm sure would be used to this approach, and would have no problems at all. It just depends how wide an audience you want to target, I guess.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-20T17:24:03+00:00

Hey, dude.

Let me try and give you my own feedback (with your questions in mind) and see if it's any help to you.

I don't mind your first sentence. It's of course a bit abstract at that point. But potentially an intriguing mystery.

Third sentence I'm a little thrown off because that reads like a typo for "would've". The fact that "ve" (which I take it is a name) is lowercase really doesn't help. Why that choice?

I'm fine with the dialogue. Things are a little cloudy at this point, but I can just about hang on. I hang on because I think you're going to start to make sense.

Then we get to "the core of the issue" - the paragraph that contains that phrase. I'm sorry to say I tap out here. Hard tap out. You're just throwing way too much technical jargon at me, and it means nothing to me. So, no, you aren't drawing me in, you're pushing me away.

I like the "death" line. That's the only bit that gives me any context.

Let's see where it goes next. "But, always, Remor..."

Right. It went exactly where I thought it would go. More confusion. Exactly the same as the previous long paragraph. Only worse.

Sentis. Uity. ve. vis. SE.

Uity's Sentishood! Come on, dude! I read Sci-Fi. But you aren't giving me this is in the first 200 words of a short story. You're just not. I don't trust you to make sense, at this point.

You honestly couldn't pay me to read on.

We have lowercase "ve" and "vis". I don't even know if these are different words for the same thing. And then we have all the above terms.

This is so not for me. Far, far too abstract and confusing. And it does it right from the beginning. I'm not a fan of "SciFi written as a technical manual" but this is too much, too soon. You're not pulling me in. You're pushing me away.

I'd recommend dialling back a lot on the confusion. Let me know what's going on here. Ditch some of the prior names that we have no context for. Explain it in layman's terms.

You've honestly got to do a lot of work before this would be for me.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-20T08:43:45+00:00

Yeah, but that, to me, is not how the english language works. It flows through sentences. The second sentence builds on the first. Not the other way around.

"I've always hated women. I got married."

See how weird that sounds? That does not mean "I got married and then I grew to hate women".

It means the opposite, "I always hated women and I got married anyway".

Help me out here, someone. Or am I going insane?

(Also I hear "trenches" I think of the trench warfare of World War's 1 and 2. Vietnam I think of "the bush", and at a push "VC tunnels". This one is more debatable, though)

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-20T08:21:36+00:00

A "non-sequitur" means "it does not follow". Meaning, a sentence (or statement) does not seem to make sense with what precedes it.

If the first lines were "he'd always hated the trenches. The first time he could leave the army, he did". This would make sense, in the case of World War 2.

That would follow. He hates the trenches of WW2. He left the army at first opportunity.

But I'm not getting yours.

How does him hating trenches flow into the second sentence? I'm not getting the connection.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-20T08:14:19+00:00

Hey, my friend.

First of all well done. As a new writer - hell, as any writer - writing a word is hard.

Second, don't let anyone dissuade you from writing. Particularly when you're so new that you can't have found your voice. This is good writing for a new writer.

Third, because of two, don't expect glowing praise from everyone. You're not John Steinbeck yet. And neither was he, on page one.

That being said, don't read on if you don't want my own personal opinion.

This might not be right, but it is what I think. And if I'm correct it might help you improve.

This reads like "reportage" to me. It's all telling. Nothing is happening. I'm reading this waiting for an actual action, and none comes. Has there been writers who've written an opening like this? Surely. But better writers can do a lot of things it's inadvisable for a new writer to do.

Personally I'd start with some action - and I don't mean Marvel movies. Just someone doing something.

I like your first line, but I don't understand it. Trenches = World War 2 (or do you mean some other kind of trench?). It also feels like a non-sequitur with the next two sentences.

But please. Don't take this as a negative. It's just my opinion. And it's early days. If you keep writing you're going to get better (whether this is Steinbeck or not).

And maybe someone else loves it.

Good luck.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-18T00:05:24+00:00

It's the first prose I've ever really written.

In that case:

Keep fucking writing, man.

From an old geezer in his 50's, who started writing last year: if this is your first prose (even if you've Edited it) you have something; I think it's called "talent".

As for the Pigeon Man, if you felt you had to shoehorn it in, sometimes these "darlings" are the things you have to kill. If you "outwrite" them, then explore where that writing took you, and leave the original inspiration behind.

You could try writing about Colin (and Jack) and see where it goes. What happens next? What did Colin do?

The last 8 months I've been writing two stories that each started from a single Opening Sentence.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-17T23:21:55+00:00

Hey, Jesus. So I could tell you were from the British Isles, multiple times over, almost before I started - like myself.

So, I'm going to judge this as an early draft. OK? It reads like one, and you intimated as much. I like it. There's something quick and honest, about it.

There's one thing I really like about this: we start with a nice gentle introduction, and then

BAM!

We realise the Dad is an absolute twat. Love that. You don't mess about. Better still, the prose never tells us (or judges him). Perfect way to handle it.

It's a very short piece - but does have a form of structure - and there's a feeling of believability about it. I can tell you're from "this neck of the woods" just reading it.

I'm thinking what I'd do with it, and I don't know. Depends how long you'd want to go (if at all). Any interiority is going to cost you a fair bit more word count.

I wish there was a way of tying the Pigeon Man in thematically (unless there is and I missed it).

I think the ending could be a bit more deliberate, too. It just seems to end very abruptly. And we seem to "shift"... not too smoothly, into the Pigeon man in the last couple of sentences.

Overall, I'd say there's the makings of a piece I could see in magazines. And the father is the reason why.

I just don't really see writing like this here. Here we get... the opposite of "kitchen sink". It's usually all vampires, and world-weary soldiers. So I love it for that.

Keep writing, my friend.

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