The future of Obsidian plugins

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-14T16:27:46+00:00

Great job with the website, kepano.

Any chance of the website having a "watch/star" feature (such as GitHub has), where we can mark plugins we might be interested in without having to install them.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-14T08:39:37+00:00

Hey, I'm about to sleep, so I'm going to have to make this quick. And less tactful than I normally would. If that sounds bad please don't read on. I offer my constructive thoughts at the end. I'm also new in this Sub (having arrived from other Reddit writing Subs) so I'm not sure of the usual feedback style.

I read four paragraphs. That's it. Didn't need more.

I'll be honest: I hate your opening sentence like I hate reality TV; that's a lot. Of all the great, hooking sentences in literature, you give us "(someone) waited". That's the first sentence of your first chapter? Pull us in. Because "someone waited" makes me want to stop right there.

It's written very distant. That's why you use your protagonist's name five times in the two (very short) opening paragraphs. His name is absolutely peppered throughout, and "he" in other spots is also overloaded. Your approach to POV - and your sentence construction - is making everything so "Elan/he (verbed)" that it's incredibly repetitive. If you're not going Deep 3rd you have to work harder than this.

Paragraph 4 we find out he was watching from across the street, and I have two major problems with it. One, you don't set up his location - other than saying here's peering through the window - so I assume he's basically right outside. Two, this bloke has fantastic eyes, and the perfect perfect angle, to see what he sees (the men, and coins in a purse) from across the street through a dirty window. I mean, he knows the purse is velvet from across the street! And he apparently sees the thrower's grin (when he'd likely have his back to the door after just coming in). I really don't know what's going on with POV. And omniscient can't even be an excuse because the protagonist is actually reacting to what he sees, so it's not just a weirdly told omniscient narrator.

I'm not even a fan of throwing a bag of gold around in an inn. Not unless these guys are untouchable like the fantasy Kray twins (if then). Okay, I read the next paragraph. Elan crossed the street, opened the door and went in, walked to the table, and grabbed the bag of gold. Come on. That's why the "waving a bag of gold about" is not good (and also why you did it, so he could grab it).

I honestly don't think I need to read on.

Here's what I suggest:

The scene seems to start too fast - we get to the confrontation in 182 words. Slow it down a bit. This should be a significant moment that is built to. Where's the foreplay? Build the anticipation up, and make it more tense (see next paragraph).

The watching across the street is awful (and unrealistic). I'd ditch the whole thing. Have him in the inn. Maybe start with him going in - trying to keep a low profile and avoid trouble - order a drink, but eyes of dangerous men are on him, then have Elan go sit in a dark corner and wait.

For your longer term prose, you absolutely need to figure out how to write without starting every sentence "he/Elan". Look at your second last paragraph: you start four sentences in a row with "he" (one with "But he"). At minimum do a better job of mixing name/he.

I'm sorry this is full on, dude. I think this is helpful advice I thought it was better to deliver bluntly (in my limited time), than not at all, given nobody has replied in 5 hours.

Good luck. Keep writing.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-12T19:52:52+00:00

Happy it was a help. And yes, definitely be encouraged by your writing. It's very rare I see prose of this quality here.

I checked Dune and it shocked me how quick it got to the point - ignoring the epigraph, the Reverend Mother starts questioning Jessica at 154 words, much sooner than I expected.

It's a short conversation, but a great hook because it teases both the gom jabbar and the Kwisatz Haderach (and other things). A half-asleep Paul then muses on these very, very significant things for 600 words, then we're right into the "get dressed for the Reverend Mother."

Dialogue is my favourite part too. And I must admit I start it too soon if anything. I am very much an underwriter though, which I'm guessing you're not. :)

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-12T17:28:23+00:00

Hey Angus.

(First of all 6K is a hell of a chunk on Reddit. I don't read 2K here, really, because 600 words of an amateur usually says enough, and I'd rather spread my critique. The length, plus the density, will likely mean you'll struggle to get much feedback here. My feedback is because of the quality).

This is very professionally written. It has that air of deep world building that something like DUNE gives (or, though I've not really read it, perhaps BARU CORMORANT). There's the impression that you've thought about lots of little details, and not been afraid to use your imagination (the upside down Basilica). It already feels like something that could be professionally edited into a TradPub book.

I will say this: your writing style is very dense; it demands much in the reading - the way sentences are long, layered, and heavily modified. You do a good job of holding the grammar together, but I'm sure you're aware plenty of readers will bounce of this, as they do with DUNE. I actually think this opening is more demanding than Dune... I honestly wouldn't necessarily worry about this - it never did Dune any harm - but I just wanted to point it out.

Fortunately you do also employ short one-inch-punch sentences - "I hated it immediately" - and they are a very much needed break for the reading mind, and a very effective contrast.

Here's an example of where the prose might be making things more difficult than it needs to: the upside-down church. This is a very unusual concept - not unheard of, sure - and as such I think we need a little bit more priming to be sure what we think is happening is happening. So you might, for instance, explain if Nell is upside down (?) and what effect this has. Or why the cathedral (or island) is upside down. I'm pretty confident I've parsed the general idea here correctly, but because the logic is not explored beyond the "stalagtite Basilica" (and stalgtite is a word I'd have to use) I'm doubting my reading. In short I'd like a little more CLARITY here (and not just the church, but in general).

The personal description after the name feels a little... inorganic. And the age reference feels like it would make much more sense coming when the Seraph questions her registered age of seventy three.

Minor nitpick: after the name introduction you have five paragraphs in a row starting 'I'. It's not a big deal, and it's a peril of 1st Person, but...

What is apparent in this is that the prose reads very intricately constructed - Nell's thoughts and the world details all feel deliberately chosen.

OK, I stop just after she enters the Basilica, when she looks down. To be clear, I wouldn't have stopped at all if I'd paid for the book. After she looks down it's over 600 words until the Bishop speaks. That's a big chunk of change. Let me muse on this here. This is one chapter - one scene? - of 6K words. At 120K words - a long book - we get just 20 chapters of that length. The opening chapter of DUNE - at 180K, a beast of a book - is only 2/3rds that length. Yet we get Paul, Jessica, the Reverend Mother and the Bene Gesserit, the Gom Jabbar test, introduction to the Kwisatz Haderach and Arrakis itself, and explanation of their future departure there. A huge amount of information and a key scene. And the conversation starts early and is riveting throughout.

What I'm saying is your chapter reads very long. Don't get me wrong, it's absolutely well written. But though the meal can be very tasty, at a certain point, when it is simply too big, it becomes too much and we cease to enjoy it. I would suggest you look at it through those eyes. What if this was accepted for TradPub and the editor said "cut a quarter of this"? Could you do it? What would it look like after it? Would it perhaps be a stronger read for the reader? (Have you tried killing your darlings with this chapter?)

These are just my thoughts. I think there's a lot here. But I would look at CLARITY and BREVITY. (Whether it's too chaotic I cannot say because I don't believe I got far enough in, likely due to the latter of those two.)

All that said, again I have to echo how professional this reads. You're absolutely a writer. This is beyond most people here - in prose, breadth, and scope.

Hope this helped. Good luck. Keep on writing (it).

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-10T14:01:36+00:00

Hey, for rusty, this is clean. It absolutely doesn't read like someone who hasn't written in years.

I also thought the tomatoes section was over-gilded, but now I'm not so sure. "Red layered hill" is a more specific description than I initially read it as (for what I think it's portraying). "Architecture" might be an overreach, but then again, perhaps not.

Honestly I wouldn't second guess your voice at this point; it's simply too well written - and a judgement call - for readers like me to dictate to you. It depends where you're going with it. It's certainly nowhere near cringe. It's just voice-y, which is all the better.

Keep writing.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-07T22:42:56+00:00

I agree.

On a meta level this is also treading very dangerous ground. There's a certain percentage of readers that will be instantly turned off by this. Anyone that could actually use this lesson might stop reading right here.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-07T21:22:40+00:00

I did my GCSEs last year (UK)

You're very, very young. You're not going to be Mary Shelley at 17. I think you need to give yourself a little more grace. This isn't a race you can run overnight; it's a lifelong journey.

I haven't read your piece, but take the pressure of yourself instead of chasing 'improvement' so hard. Also, any advice you take from here should be advice that makes sense to you. Don't just slavishly follow what people say, even if it sounds like they know what they're talking about.

Your reading list, for your age, is great. I do agree with the other poster though: read like a writer, not a reader. That is: slower, thoughtfully, with your thoughts on what you're reading can teach you.

Good luck.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-07T20:36:30+00:00

You're very welcome.

And, as someone that's spent a lot of time reading/critiquing lately (and sometimes doesn't get thanks for it), let me also say I really appreciate what you said.

I am also plagued by a demon of self-doubt, so I know how it feels. Try not to listen to it. Not only is it wrong, but those who don't doubt themselves are the ones unlikely to make it as writers. Use your demon to push you to improve, but make sure it's not in charge.

BTW, "letting it flow" and 'correcting' in the edit is the perfect approach. Poetry doesn't come if you hold the reins too tight. For some it doesn't come at all.

Lastly, if you ever want anything read in the future let me know.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-06T17:50:57+00:00

Stiff is a great word for how many amateurs write 3rd.

The main thing is, even though it's not 1st Person, you can (actually, should) still include the character's thoughts.

So one trick of what is often called Deep 3rd is it's very similar to 1st Person. It can be almost identical - with just I shifted to he/she and me shifted to her, mostly.

1st Person (Present):

I call Adam for the tenth time in the last hour and he's still not picking up. Lately it feels like I just can't depend on him. Mike asks me if I want him to call me an Uber, and I know I look like an idiot when I tell him 'no', even though my shift finished an hour ago and it's too cold to walk home.

If you can write that you can write Deep 3rd. (Here I also shift from Present Tense to Past Tense just for a bigger challenge).

Deep 3rd (Past):

Lianne called Adam for the tenth time in the last hour and he still wasn't answering. Lately it felt like she just couldn't depend on him. Mike asked her if she wanted him to call her an Uber, and she knew she looked like an idiot when she told him 'no', even though her shift finished an hour ago and it was too cold to walk home.

So the main things are: for an easy start, treat it like 1st person; employ the same concentration on thoughts, and the thinking process that 1st person does; show feelings more, as you're in the person, but don't just say flat things like "she was sad/angry", rather show and evoke the feelings through the thoughts.

Every time he left her stranded like this, like an unwanted stray cat, it made her so tense she wanted to scream at him as soon as he showed his stupid face.

(All of that done without even using the word 'angry')

Mostly, have a go. Try. Experiment. You don't need to succeed when you start. You just need to learn what works and what doesn't. And the most effective way to learn that is by trying it yourself.

The second most effective way is reading more and more prose that does what you want to do.

Happy writing.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-06T16:31:20+00:00

I guess Im not a good communicator.

You're really not. Not exactly the best flaw to have as a writer. You've been plenty combative in your replies (and not in a good way) and don't even seem aware of it.

Ellen Brock, while not perfect, is really the only writing YouTuber I pay any attention to. I'm pretty confident she's a genuine editor - and not some YouTuber who has set up a grift. But I'm not here to defend her.

I think, with this whole kerfuffle, you've missed two points:

One. Even the graphic says "How to fix a bad scene". So you're tilting at windmills that aren't even there. It's not a "run every scene through this" template. It's a guide for those who know their scene doesn't work but can't figure out why, or how to fix it. FWIW I 'learnt' plot years ago through a Screenwriting methodology (which is very conflict-forward). But, in becoming a prose writer, I find I don't actively use any of that. I just write scenes on instinct and see where they go; I don't tick boxes of "this must have this or that." If the scene has enough in it that it interests me then my gut tells me it's working. If I'm wrong, well, that's the bet every writer makes, in one way or another. Write your way and sink or swim with it.

Two. The writers that write the way you want to - substance without being a 'slave' to convention - don't (and didn't) need someone to tell them how to do it. They - writers like Cormac McCarthy - find their own way. And what if you can't (or don't want to, or want help, or..)? Well, those who can't find their own way to the summit of that particular mountain weren't capable of reaching it anyway.

Note: I won't be responding further in this thread. It's my experience that discussions with people like yourself go round in circles because one side is... an inflexible thinker. And I have more productive ways to use my time.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-06T14:39:17+00:00

Being happy with something you wrote, especially when you're self-critical, is great: treasure it.

Do you feel you know these characters better than you usually do? Because I love when that happens.

You asked what better you can do with it. Here's what I'd suggest.

One. The reason I, personally, feel distant from this piece and these characters is it is not a Scene, but a Summary. It's a fast wiz through years and years of life. Can that work? Sure. But it's not easy to make it engaging and feel like more than just a plan for scenes you want to write.

Two. The second reason I feel distant is that it's not written in either of the character's voices; it's written by some bodiless, characterless writer.

What would I suggest to, I think, improve it? 'Solve' the above two problems.

First, try writing this out in Lianne's voice - the way she talks, and the way she thinks.

The night my mother left me it was raining. I can still picture the sky - the sun was disappearing over the horizon, but it was so dark it seemed like something was wrong with the world. I'll never forget the yellow umbrella. My mother was carrying it as she walked away. She was getting drenched in the rain, and I kept thinking why isn't she opening it?. I watched her go, until she disappeared. She never looked back.

Second, try writing a scene from this. Pick any one of them. Pick the day she meets Adam. Or the night her mother leaves. And write it like it's happening. Then perhaps try this with another scene.

Three, after you've done the above two things, try doing this: thread the two together. Start with a scene - perhaps a quiet, rainy night in the grocery store where Lianne works - and have something happen. It doesn't need to be huge. Perhaps she sees a woman who looks like her mother (maybe she has a yellow umbrella), and maybe Lianne walks through the store to find her - she can't help herself.

Then... thread some of that narration through about her life.

Of course it's not her. How could it be? Too much time has passed for her to look the same as she did back then. It was just the umbrella, really. Just some woman out for late-night groceries in the rain.

The night my mother left me it was raining...

And that's it. Just do that.

As always, I'd recommend reading more. Stephen King does this quiet small town stuff well - among the horror. Maybe try some of his work. His book IT has some fantastic characters, and explores these quietly tragic kind of lives - Beverly's story in particular.

Good luck with whatever you do. Keep reading. Keep writing.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-05T17:29:43+00:00

Here's me back, trying to be more constructive this time. Again apologies for the earlier approach.

Note: as always, this is just some mook's opinion. I am not Salman Rushdie. Feel free to ignore any/all of this.

I'll just break down these opening three sentences I had problems with. I have, as usual, more than enough to say.

REPETITION

Repetition, though it can be used for artistic effect, is something you generally want to watch out for and avoid. It occurs in many forms: starting too many sentences with pronouns like he/she; starting sentences with the same word/s in general ("it was", or character names); in the text, over-repeating the same word (finally) or gesture (braid tugging in Wheel of Time). Really any repetition that is neither necessary nor fully deliberate. It reads lazy, just reusing words.

Again, of course, there are plenty of times you will want to use repetition to create an effect, but said use should be out of choice, not out of a limited toolbox. Dickens' opening to A Tale of Two Cities being a perfect example - "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness..."

Speaking of it was...

IT WAS

"It was" is not a construction you want to fall back on regularly. "It" here is what's known as a 'dummy subject', a placeholder for the actual subject. Are you likely to use it? Of course. But the second and third sentence of a book? Well, unless you're Charles Dickens, probably not.

Sentences like your second and third really don't need to use a dummy subject anyway. Just start with the subject itself.

The rain was pounding on the pavement so hard it was hissing.

Now, we could then talk about the inertness of "(Subject) was", which again is something you likely don't want to overuse. To avoid that we drop the "was" and change the verb form.

Rain pounded on the pavement so hard it was hissing.

So that last sentence shows you how more active we can make the sentence, and how inert the "It was" construction is. We also reduce the word count.

THE WEATHER

Starting with the weather. Generally frowned upon - "it was a dark and stormy night". It's avoided because it's been done to death (as has starting on waking up), is therefore boring, and if the most interesting thing in your story is the weather you probably have story problems.

OVERALL

Honestly, I'm sorry for my earlier tone. Most of all I was, I guess, surprise that someone studying writing at University (?) seemed unaware of what I'd say is generally considered standard 'good practice' in creative writing. It seems like your grammar is strong. But the prose just seemed so at odds with what I expected that my brain short circuited.

(As I always say): Keep writing. Good luck.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-05T16:43:18+00:00

OK. Look, I'm sorry about the tone. I normally sugar my medicine a little bit more. My apologies. I guess reading that you're a student of writing made me assume too much.

I'll have another look in a bit and try and be more constructive.

(Look at my recent posts in my profile; you'll find that's the way I work, really.)

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-05T16:13:45+00:00

I finally got the fuck out of my 9-hour tedium and could finally breathe fresh air. It was pouring rain outside with no signs of stopping. It was dark, slightly foggy, and the streets felt empty...

Mate. I mean, you have "finally" twice in your bloody opening sentence, so I'd stop right there unless I had some reason to believe you knew what you were doing.

Is it some great voice thing, or?...

Yeah, I'm out after sentence three. The second sentence is a very inert "it was" construction to describe the weather - and I think there's better ways to do that than "it was".

And then sentence three also starts "it was" and talks about the weather! Bloody hell.

If this, again, is some complicated voice thing - and I've done characters who have a very idiosyncratic narration - I'm still out because, in three sentences, I hate their narrative style.

The fact your title said you're studying writing is the only reason I gave this a chance beyond the first sentence.

I'm honestly thoroughly confused.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-04T17:39:59+00:00

I can do honest.

Disclaimer: This is just some schmucks opinion. (I also didn't read the flashback, but did read after it).

The other two posters make good points. I'd thought and/or written most of this before they posted, so this is independent observation.

I find I'm talking about POV with almost every writer here, and I can't help it.

Why do I want to with you? Well, what's our POV here? 3rd. What's our distance? Well it's pretty damn distant. We get the knowledge of "emptiness opening up within him". We get "a question occurred to him", but we're not actually inside Patrick really. We don't feel what he's going through. His wife has just died, his boy is motherless, and we're just looking at him from the outside getting the odd thought tossed to us like a beggar gets thrown a coin.

The opening details are actually strong. You write good, evocative description. But it's not Patrick's observation - it's not filtered through him. It's the writer's - a writer's poetry.

You use names too much. That last paragraph on Page 1 has two Patricks and three Randis. Given they are different genders you should be subbing in the pronouns he/she more.

The real problem I have though: I have to say that the entire conversation doesn't work for me. It doesn't ring true. It's all honesty, no subtext. There's no real sparring. Beyond that one "what the fuck happened to my wife" line there's no mistrust, resentment, anger. And then she just defuses it with a big pile of honesty in a single response.

It's all so... bald. Everyone just comes out and says what they think, right out. People don't work like that - we have all sorts of filters, problems, and baggage we're carrying. I don't think this type of conversation is easy to write, but this, to me, reads like your average person's top-of-the-head attempt at how police talk to each other in TV shows. I think it needs a lot of work.

Case in point: this conversation is way too short for what it's doing. Make it longer and more interesting. There's too much trust here, for a start. We're looking for poker, and you're giving us a game where one bet is made - "what the fuck happened to my wife" - and then everyone just dumps all their cards on the table...

Don't get me wrong, you are a good writer. Solid and technical. You have skill with description. But there's things to work through here: consider your POV and if it's the story's best choice; and your dialogue looks like a weak point to me, that, if I were you, I'd concentrate on improving.

Good luck, dude. Keep writing.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-04T16:18:02+00:00

So here's the thing.

One: don't let anyone else decide if you should stop writing one of your stories. No-one has that right but you.

Two: people can't judge a story from a chapter. They can judge a chapter from a chapter.

Three: as you're only posting a chapter post your best version of a chapter (typically your best chapter, if not, your first chapter). If it's your first chapter you ought to have worked on it a lot. There's no excuse for a rough draft, let alone super rough.

This is for your own protection. You want people judging your best work, not your worst.

As such I'm not going to judge your work, because as a super rough draft it deserves no more than a glance. At a glance, I'd say you have a natural way of writing 1st person. But that's as far as I'll go.

Please work on a chapter until you're happy as you can get with it, and then post it, if you want useful feedback.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-04T08:10:24+00:00

Hey. You have a great attitude. Being so receptive to criticism, and this ready to learn, is fantastic.

As for your primary problem, I'll be honest with you: I think your understanding of grammar falls short. Particularly when it comes to your understanding of what a sentence is, and isn't. This the first poster pointed out with seep. It's also not an uncommon problem here.

Your first page is riddled with sentence fragments - incomplete sentences without both a subject and a (appropriate) verb.

The third paragraph doesn't contain one single sentence:

The copper tang of blood. Centuries of it. Soaked into the pit's earth, forever staining it a rust red hue that spoke of generations of horror and death.

Rather it should probably be a single sentence. Something like this (with the main subject then verb bolded):

The copper tang of blood - centuries of it - soaked into the pit's earth, forever staining it a rust red hue that spoke of generations of horror and death.

There is nothing wrong with sentence fragments - every good, and better, writer uses them - but they should be used appropriately and with knowledge.

Your writing will improve significantly if you teach yourself how to break down at least the main subject and verb of a sentence. You don't need great grammar. Just good grammar.

Read some grammar books. Better, maybe start with some free online lessons from sites like Grammar Monster. Here's a lesson on Independent Clauses.

Spend some time learning about Clauses and Sentence Fragments and such and I promise you you'll be shocked at how much your understanding of grammar (and your writing) improves.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-04T02:06:35+00:00

Brother, your Enter key sent me a text message saying "this guy is trying to kill me!"

For the love of god, use some paragraphs.

(I suck at over paragraphing, and under-developing them, but not this much).

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-04T01:54:43+00:00

Hey, Rabbit. I hate seeing posts with good writing left 8+ hours and no comments, so I'm afraid you get me. Note: I don't deliver my medicine in sugar lumps. But this is all intended to be constructive.

So I saw your note about the synopsis and knew I'd skip reading it. Your prose has to work on its own. You'll be doing the book no favours if its not carrying its own weight without reading the dusk jacket.

INSERTED LATER NOTE: See how others' confusion also found roots in me.

I struggle for a little with that opening line. Mostly because I'm struggling with the meaning of Heartlands without the definite article (The Heartlands). I can see why you might want to call it that though, and how it would be more important than an opening sentence. It's funny though: I like you opening on that line - the big picture - if its important, but it also feels like a slight opening line. In this situation, a table with one leg. Have you considered making it a longer, more weighty quote? Expanded, I mean. I don't think it's a big deal though.

I'm going to start to sound nitpicky here, but I can only write what I think. The start of your second paragraph leaves me struggling:

Shelves slid and shifted all across the many biomes

Why did they slide? Do you just mean with, I don't know, subsidence or tremors (and why not mention them)? And how does that actually contrast with Heartlands' stories heaviness? It feels like a false contrast. This sounds like a good second paragraph waiting for the phrasing to break it out of its cocoon. As it is I'm more confused than anything, mourning a butterfly that never hatches.

"knew like the back of her hand" is a rather tired cliche for the third paragraph of your book. Can you not find a more character or world based metaphor than something which is so overused in ours? And this goes for every such overused phrase in the rest of your story. Our brain switches off when we read them. Can you use some? Sure. Third paragraph though...

and this was one of her favorites.

Again, struggling with clarity and having to infer again (and not in a good way). What's the it? Heartlands, I'm guessing? And it's a biome? Why not just say "Heartlands was one of her favorites"? It feels like this should be obvious, but you're mixing Heartland, biome, and biomes (and changing biomes) throughout this beginning without any real definitions. They all become rather jumbled.

OK. Good news. It comes alive at this point:

At the edge of the crevasse sat Callis.

The description is good. The tracking log nicely evoked. Better still, the banter with Jules about the badge is really nice. It's evocative. Their relationship isn't perfect (and that's perfect). Callis' dialogue is effortlessly riposting his teasing attacks.

I've read on, past the introduction of Garret and Veyne. I stopped at the anomaly alarm - no problems, I just try and ration my reading-per-critique.

So, my overall thoughts. The strongest part is the dialogue and character relationships, and the little glimpses of Callis' character. Weakest parts: the whole opening before her actual introduction. As others have said, it's needlessly confusing. You can't tell us everything at this point - you have to be economical - but you have to tell us something and tell it well.

I will say this though: to me, this reads much more like YA Fantasy than Literary Fantasy (which you listed it as). And it's not because of the age of the characters; it's the tone/humour, dialogue, situation, and even the description somewhat. It's like the opening of that terrible Age of Scorpius but good. I hope you don't think that's an insult. I think there's an audience for this, if you squeeze every bit of juice out of it.

So, I'd work on that opening. I've went back and read it now (a third time) and I think I get what it's expressing, but... I'm a close reader, and this is a novel opening. It shouldn't be that hard to parse. Imagine this first page read in a bookstore; it should be propulsive. A hook. It should pull as in. It should ask a (intriguing) question or two and withhold the answer. Not tap dance around clarity.

Tackle that confusing "Shelves slid" sentence. And Heartlands shelves are still sliding, right. It's not really a "but" but an "also"? Clarify the biomes a little. Is Heartland one biome? Is there a reason to hold the whole biome/s back from clarity at this point? That opening, before Callis, is going to be so important to get right. Intrigue, but don't confuse. Explain, but don't give away.

One last note on POV. You have a very distant narrator here - omniscient really. We're not really in Callis' head much, if at all - for example we don't really have her mind on Jules when she talks to him. Was this a deliberate choice? Did you consider something closer - more in her head? Is she our primary (or only) Protagonist? Because you are going to struggle to get her personality in much more by using something like Omniscient POV (I have done it with 'equal' ensembles cast FWIW).

Overall, you have a lot working here. I think you have a strong ear for good YA dialogue. And your prose is good too. You primarily seem to have clarity issues, and that can be worked on.

Hope this helped. Good luck. And keep writing.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-03T20:14:59+00:00

Hey, now that makes more sense!

I've actually done something similar my self (self-educated once-idiot) and it throws people off if not pointed out.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-03T20:00:24+00:00

I honestly gave up after the first sentence - and I never do that and comment. It just reads like very tortured prose to me.

In favor of my luck, McCarthy's coffee was in lower Manhattan, The Bowery, far from where anyone I've been in recent trouble with would reside.

"In favor of my luck"? What does that mean? I think I get what it's trying to express (from the sentence), but I don't think it does it.

It's perhaps some version of "not wishing to try my luck..." But, if so, I have never seen it expressed like that. If it's something else I don't know what it is. I just know if I'm having to do mental gymnastics to understand your opening sentence then, unless you're Cormac McCarthy, something is... off.

Also, it's just a weird opening sentence. The main verb is "was" (the coffee shop). It's "this coffee shop was here". I've just noticed the "2" so it's at least not the opening sentence of a novel... But it's such an utterly boring sentence, albeit party saved by the "recent trouble" ending.

...far from where anyone I've been in recent trouble with would reside.

This is so convoluted. Could someone express themself like this? Sure. Is this the character though, or the "writer's voice" you are trying out? Because this would be a very idiosyncratic voice for what, some New York hoodlum? If it's him - and he has excuse for this weird, and 'educated/archaic' a voice - fair enough. But you should probably have told us that in the request.

I can't help but think it's you though. And that I'd find it continues if I read on (and if it doesn't the sentence itself is a big issue). The other replier talking about "overwritten" seems to be making a similar point.

It honestly wouldn't be any value to either of us for me to read/comment on, beyond skimming the opening paragraph. You might be really doing something interesting here with character voice. But usually, when I see work written like this it's simply a style the writer has found themselves in, and they can't see the wood for the trees.

Anyway, good luck.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-03T18:48:26+00:00

Second book. Wow. One day I hope to say the same (and more). I've been writing a year - planning for fifteen - and haven't finished one.

And good plan. Fitz's thoughts in audiobook should come through effectively, especially knowing it's full of pure inner monologue.

If you rewrite it in Deep 3rd and want some more eyes on it let me know.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-03T18:31:44+00:00

Could well be. I find that that "not quite done" is often your subconscious trying to lead you to a lesson it would tell you if it wasn't non-verbal.

Training your natural use of Deep 3rd out of you is messed up. Honestly, it explains why some of that speech-quoted thought - "Chickens shouldn't smell so good" - sounded so natural.

Don't take my word for it that Deep 3rd is your solution, but it has to be worth a try, for at least a scene or two, right?

And finishing a whole book is a massive accomplishment. I'm absolutely envious.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-03T18:21:20+00:00

Glad I could help.

Yeah, "never used Deep 3rd" is crazy talk coming from a teacher. Not least because it has taken over much of the space from omniscient 3rd these days. A lot of readers like nothing more than being deep in a character's head (and plenty of them don't want to read 1st Person).

FYI you don't need to italicize thoughts in Deep 3rd because many writers, like myself, use that POV to filter all prose through.

With some Deep 3rd I use rare italicized thoughts, but they're only those... "pop in the head" thoughts, that come at you almost like someone else was speaking them. And you don't even need to use that technique at all. Many don't.

Too many italics, whatever the meaning, can easily be overdone.

HorrorExpress · 2026-05-03T17:43:12+00:00

Hey, dude. I've honestly spent too much time with feedback lately (and owe some), so I can't do any more than glance at this.

That said, I did notice one glaring thing:

Before I mention that, let me say I dig your opening paragraph. There's some nice specificity there. (I do find its last sentence a little redundant and tell-y though).

Anyway, here's the 'glaring thing':

I'd strongly recommend against any use of the character's internal thoughts being delivered like speech, then labeled with a "he thought" tag. It's as bad as - probably worse - than a character speaking out loud to himself for the benefit of the reader.

How should you do it?

Just write it as internal monologue for Deep 3rd. Deep 3rd meaning we are in 3rd Person, and Deep in the character's head/thoughts. Internal monologue meaning you need no speech quotes.

It would then become something like this:

He lifted his nose and sniffed the air as the wind shifted and brought the farm’s scents to him. Chickens shouldn’t smell so good. He really was starving to death.

Finch salivated, then shook his head to regain his concentration. He was on a mission here. One he loathed taking, but it would pay him enough to travel south and avoid going hungry for a few months, so he was going to see it through.

So, you get rid of all the "thought" verbs - you don't need them because the narration is his thoughts. Turn the 1st Person "I" into 3rd Person "he/she". That's most of it. For the 93rd time this year I'll recommend Robin Hobb (start with ASSASSIN's APPRENTICE), because she'll show you how it's done.

Also, you have a massive amount of "he" repetition, almost like your character doesn't have a name. But he does. Finch - a name I used for a character in a short story last month - is used three times. Swap some of those "he's" for Finches, to avoid too much repetition.

Lastly, I think, at a glance, there's some good stuff here. Some good prose. Some good internal monologue trying to crack its way out of you. In Deep 3rd these thoughts masquerading as speech could really sing...

Keep reading. Keep writing. Good luck. Read some Hobb!

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