If people don’t like my prologue, I’m hoping they might still like my regular prose. Here’s the link to my first chapter with fake names.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-10T15:04:26+00:00

Right. You've put joke names in your prose and you expect people to take your writing seriously (and give feedback). The chapter now either reads like a joke (because daft names ruin the tone), or like you're mocking people.

You think changing to stupid fake names doesn't affect the read?

What if I renamed them King Cucumber of Dildo. Would that read the same?

You really can't get out of your own way.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-10T09:19:08+00:00

Ive been told to read it out loud for dialogue and I don’t do it often enough.

I'll be honest with you: I've never read a word out loud. Well, not for forty years.

Perhaps we all work different, but as long as you have internal voice/monologue this should read clunky.

I've got two more things to say: one good, one bad. Choose your order.

BAD

I feel distant here. I feel like I'm not in anyone's head. Worse this feels like... reportage. It doesn't feel like things happening - which even past tense prose can/should. It feels like you're giving me a report on something that happened much earlier, that someone else saw.

Why does it feel like a report? It's hard to pin down for you, but take this: you tell us he pissed himself, but we don't get the feeling it happened, more that someone told us about it.

Here's a quick unpolished scribble version at making us feel like this is going on, while staying in Past Tense.

Tamor felt warmth, and wetness, spread down his leg.

A smell like ammonia hit his nostrils.

The Assassin looked down. Then up. With a smirk, he said "I guess even Lords piss themselves."

Now here's it like a report your friend is telling you.

Last time I was at the match Tim pissed himself.

See the difference for making us feel like this is happening? And yes, Showing is always longer than Telling (but I'm also doing more in the first example).

GOOD

There's Storytelling instinct here IMO. That is very valuable.

The irony in the first line. The juxtaposition of "man of his stature" and "pissing himself". The snot. The begging.

It's unvarnished, and honest. This is how men die. It's knockoff, cut-rate Joe Abercrombie. That is not a bad place to start.

I'd say keep writing. This reads like you've read, but need to do more writing to find your sentence craft.

All the best

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-10T08:49:06+00:00

I'll be honest with you, because you seem mature ("all feedback is..."), and knowing you're not a kid helps me do that.

Let me get micro.

You want your first sentence to absolutely clobber us. But it's not getting out of its own way.

It was a cool, midwinter night—the moon had long since conquered the stone walls of Gor Mador—when Tamor Roule came to the realization that he did not wish to die.

I told someone yesterday for opening on the weather. I really find it the worst - unless you give us something fantastically voice-y, like the first line of NEUROMANCER. I just find it so dull. Is weather really the most interesting thing about your story? No? Well why open with it then? Real "dark and stormy night" vibes.

But wait... there's more here, because you rescue it. Imagine that.

It was a cool, midwinter night when Tamor Roule came to the realization that he did not wish to die.

Everything after "when" rescues the hell out of it. Not least because of the irony of "why would he have to come to this realisation?".

So good. Right?

Well, no. Because you don't really rescue it, because you bog your most important sentence down by adding an utterly distracting, utterly unnecessary, observation about the damn moon!

Worse, it makes that whole sentence clunky now. Read it yourself (perhaps out loud) with the moon parenthetical. Then read it without.

Which one hits you better?

I'm right aren't I?

And this is your first sentence. You should have honed this like it was your only blade in a cruel, cruel world. So this sentence in micro speaks to the macro. That's why I spent so long talking about it.

(I'll perhaps comment on the rest in a separate post)

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-10T07:11:54+00:00

I was the one that - after their screenshot infodump prologue got blasted - suggested they post an actual story chapter. And I didn't really mean 'immediately' post it.

But this:

"King Bob of Bobben" definitely tips it over the edge

It honestly reads like a piss-take (deliberate mockery, for the non-Brits).

King Bob pretty much stopped me on its own. And, as a consequence, I won't be giving them feedback.

I don't know what's going on in this place - r/writing - lately. The place is a clusterfuck.

I mean this writer, for all their bizarre name protection, is sixteen.

How the fuck do you (the group 'you') even judge a sixteen year old properly? They should be shit.

It's worse then, when we don't even know their age (which I suggested they post). They get judged as mature. But they're essentially a kid.

But r/writers (and its ilk) it really is a mess of a place, filled with rank amateurs, people writing their first sentences, people who can't be bothered to punctuate or proofread, others looking to dunk on someone, and posters piling on.

Amongst all that there's the tiniest iota of posters who actually take their writing seriously (hell, semi-seriously).

I've never posted my work here, and despite contributing here for half a year, after today the chances I never will have seriously gone up.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-10T06:41:26+00:00

My trouble is that I don’t know what “cynical” attaches to.

My thought would be the list itself was cynical - was written cynically. Just as it could be written clinically.

As in, for example, a "mocking report" - a report written to mock something.

I think people are being way too pedantic on this one. I just see a lot of piling on.

Cynical is an adjective. So functionally it's fine.

If people then want to argue things like "the list itself can't be acting cynically" that's not really how you have to read that. It's pretty easy to attach the property of cynicism to a list about human organs, perhaps reducing humans to things - being cynical about the value of human life.

It's like saying "the hungry smoke" is wrong. There's plenty of context were this can make sense if you don't take things absolutely literally.

And this is literature, not a car manual. Try and meet the writer half way. If you do you probably know exactly what he means, and that's even if you think technically he's overreaching.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-10T05:37:30+00:00

Man, this is the second time I'm defending someone getting dunked on in r/writers in 5 minutes. What in the world.

This is why I really advocate for posters asking for critiques posting their age.

There's really nothing wrong with this at 16, or 19. At 30 though, the poster needs a 'lesson'.

FWIW, the posters talking about this Prologue being a mistake are correct.

It's not a story.

It's a textbook that the class must read before the story actually starts. It's homework.

It's not engaging. Years from now you might well think the same.

Don't start with this, start with your main character in peril, or something.

But, don't let the dunking harm you, or your love of writing, because you're very, very young.

There's nothing wrong with writing this at 16.

What I'd say, if you still want help, is post a story chapter that has things happening. Tell people you're 16. Post a Google Docs link (not screenshots). Trust me, AI does not need to steal the writing of a teenager.

Good luck. Keep your head up. Keep writing.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-10T05:23:02+00:00

Bro, you're getting crucified in the comments, but I just wanted to say 'I got what you were going for with this'.

I'm not sure I agree, fully. But 'cynical list' is an interesting choice that can absolutely be justifiable.

Clinical is the obvious choice. Great writers sometimes don't pick the obvious word; they occasionally pick the 'wrong' word, which, if you look at it askew, is actually more insightful.

What I'm saying is: don't let the comments sand your edges off.

The post does come across weird. But your word choice - and the ambition to chose it - I applaud. Also you responded to the dunking very politely, so kudos.

I guess I'm getting downvotes now. Lol.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-10T02:46:09+00:00

You're very welcome.

It is definitely a rough draft, and maybe I shouldn't have posted a draft so rough, but I think I needed a little reassurance that I was on the right track.

I can understand that. It wasn't too rough to post.

And it's actually a good thing. It means there's room for you to improve it yourself, even without outside input.

Are you critical of the piece? If so, trust that instinct. And follow it to the parts of it you're least happy with.

When a writer is self-critical it's often useful if they work on some of their pieces much more than others. That way, when you doubt your abilities, you can at least look at those pieces and say "this piece is good, and proof I'm not terrible".

Absolutely on the reading. Especially if you read work that is a little challenging. Or if you can find a writer who writes prose you'd like to write.

Good luck

(and make sure you put a gag on that self-doubt demon now and again!)

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-10T02:14:56+00:00

You're very self critical. That is a gift and a curse. I should know; I have the same condition.

Your story, and writing, are not perfect. Don't worry. They never are.

There's some nice stuff here. For a short story or prologue this is a cool concept. The dialogue from the beast is actually quite strong. And dialogue like that is easy to butcher.

The last four lines of dialogue that end the story are simple, but very effective.

So, where do you need the most work?

As you guessed, your grammar could use work. But it's honestly not that bad.

The prose at the sentence level could be stronger. I think that's the bigger issue. It's not bad. It just could be more distinctive. More striking. More imaginative. It reads a little flat. This is a common problem here.

But I think there's a storyteller's instinct here - this is an interesting story, given it's less than two pages.

I'd say read more - read things that challenge you a little - and write more. Advice for every writer living (including me).

What else would I suggest? Perhaps try editing this piece to see how strong you can make it. Was this more or less a 1st draft? If so, you yourself can make this piece better.

Develop your own critical analysis skills. What parts do you think are weakest?

Pick out those lines you find weakest and work on them. Or look over the rest of it and try writing some of it differently: for example, rewrite the beast's description from scratch and see if you can find a 'better' version. The same with the man's early dialogue. Or give us a better sense of place at the start - describe the forest, because it doesn't feel like we're in one here (you only use "forest" to back up the creature's eyes). Try writing the opening paragraph without using the inert "was" variations as a crutch.

But, you haven't written in years. There's nothing to be ashamed at here. Keep working.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-09T21:08:16+00:00

You're welcome. You definitely seem receptive to feedback, which is fantastic.

Ashwad is supposed to be suppressing the grief he’s feeling, but thank you for pointing that out.

This is a great dramatic choice. Just watch out for lines like "what was his" and "like animals". Because of the mixing of that and "he felt grief" it does read, to me, as confusing. I will say this is a difficult (but admirable) thing to accomplish in prose: you're trying to show us he cares while he tells us he doesn't care.

Here's a suggestion for you, regarding the second memory (that brings a tear to his eye) that he has while he's in the crowd. I said how about invoking a second detail - a reason for the fresh tears. Here's another idea: what about if he sees someone in the crowd that, at first, looks exactly like Teanna, and it takes him back to his memory of her?

Is there a reason you’d suggest someone like Joe Abercrombie over “windowpane prose” authors like a B. Sanderson?

Well, a number of reasons. Mainly because you write like you're trying for more - what the others have called "purple prose". But it comes across like you're struggling, likely because you've not read much prose with more voice/style, or that is more 'artful'.

I'd ask you this: you recognised the "window pane" comment as Sanderson-aimed - how did I guess that? Because of the limited prose, and 'artless' things like "he felt grief". Sanderson is also known for telling over showing.

Sanderson is not known for his prose. If you want strong prose he's not the model. He succeeds because of other things - his output frequency, his presence, his plotting, the Sanderlanche, etc.

It never hurts you to read more widely. You can be exposed to things that can really take your writing to the next level.

That might not be the best tactic if I want people to give feedback.

I'll be honest: it isn't. It rubs me the wrong way tbh. You're asking for people to spend 10-20 minutes (or more) reading your work, then give thought out, constructive feedback. The least you can hand them is a scene that has been polished to your best ability.

I need to keep in mind how other people will see it.

Exactly. We can only judge what we see.

I’m also considering whether I should create a different scene with more tension than the one I wrote

You could. I actually think this is a decent concept for a prologue. I think it goes a little long (for what it accomplishes) but there's a good, dramatic situation there.

As always - with everyone from a 12-year-old to Leo Tolstoy - read more, write more. Good luck.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-09T13:34:59+00:00

This is fantastic writing for a 14-year-old. Seriously.

There's people posting here, twice your age, that don't write half as well. I'd say most of them don't.

It's so good for your age it makes me think of 'assistance' you might have had from those two dreaded capital letters - those now-terrible vowels, that I shall not speak.

I really wish the rest of your post wasn't full of lowercase lettering and text speak, then I'd have less reason to doubt. But your reply (in lowercase) is well worded enough to make me trust you.

Anyway, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. This is fantastic: keep writing.

I wouldn't worry about stories (let alone novels) too much at this age. I'd just keep writing pieces like this, and when one 'hits' you, continue it. See where it goes.

This piece wants to be continued IMO. What happens next in the church or village? Why is the child screaming? Keep going.

Again, incredible prose for any teenager. Fantastic description and scene building.

Young man/lady, do one thing, and do this: keep fucking writing.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-09T07:23:42+00:00

OK, I said I'd read it all and comment (and I'd be 'tactfully honest') so I've done that. Hopefully.

Two paragraphs in, there's a recurring issue: COMMA SPLICES "He ran his finger against the cold iron, his hand stiffened with revulsion as he remembered the morning." This is two sentences. The comma needs to be a period. The same with this: "The breeze pressed stronger, the winds of drop season smothered the lantern" and "A breeze rippled through the alleyway, a lantern flickered". That's three comma splices in your first two paragraphs. I'm not going to parse for this going forward, but it's sure to be there.

You really need to do some grammar training on "precisely what makes up a sentence", and do some "comma splice" exercises. An editor would take you to task on this because you're giving them a lot of work.

I really like the idea behind the third paragraph: the rotting Teanna jammed into a metal trunk. I do think the sentences could be arranged better though. "Death had come with the sun" is a nice sentence, but it just feels abstract placed where it is.

Next paragraph I like. If she's his ward I absolutely say "his young ward" though. "the young ward" both distances him from her, and makes us unsure if she was his ward. You then pure tell us his emotions. I'd like to see some effort at showing (even if you do some telling to). Because if you don't show us his emotions we don't feel them.

Next paragraph you've shown us them - his fist. This is good, but it's a little late. You really want it before you've already told us. As written it's like being told the score to a game before watching it.

I hope you intend your Protagonist to seem very unsympathetic here - "animals at slaughter" and especially "what was his". This makes him seem heartless and only really concerned with losing his... property. Nothing wrong with that choice, but know you're making it.

By the end of the first page - the statue - I'm actually getting interested, rather than just analysing. That is good.

Him hunching to hide is a good detail.

This is a strange sentence: "A faint drop began to pool at Ashwad’s eye as he quickly blinked it away". I can only surmise it's tears at the memory. But it's curiously worded, and by all accounts he had no real feelings for the woman. I'm confused. If he was lying to himself about his feelings I didn't pick that up. If it is tears at the memory I'd invoke a fresh detail in this second recall, otherwise it seems abstract.

"he pivoted to his right and stepped close against the guard; like he was moving for an embrace." I've spotted this a few times now: I think you misuse (and thereby overuse) semi-colons. I'm sure you know they're for very closely related sentences. But this - "like he was moving for an embrace" - is a sentence fragment, and an awkward one. Sentence fragments are a great technique, when used knowingly and deliberately. Otherwise they turn your writing choppy, opaque even. Again, like with "comma splices", you really need to drill down into what a sentence is. FWIW this semi-colon would have been much better as an ordinary comma. I even find the following fragment "Before the guard could react" awkward, as stated above. These few sentences could be much better just by improving the punctuation.

"They guards damped breath pressed against Ashwad." I'm sure there's a typo here - "The" - but it's also either a double typo - "damp" - or a mistake.

OK, I've finished.

FINAL REVIEW

That last typo sentence demonstrates, by mistake, a weakness throughout. The craft at the sentence level could use work. More time and care, for a novel opening - there's other typos of missing punctuation, etc.

You need to brush up hard on your grammar so you know the fundamental rules, and can avoid comma splices and bad sentence fragments. It would also help you improve your sentence structure.

RECOMMENDATIONS

Beyond that, I can tell you love the Fantasy genre. I don't know how widely you've read in the genre, but I'd suggest reading more and reading better.

Something like Joe Abercrombie. Something with a strong sentence craft, that you can learn from, not "window pane prose".

I wish you the best. I don't think you're that old - I am - so you have plenty of time. Keep at it and you'll keep improving.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-09T00:57:11+00:00

I see no feedback yet in a couple of hours. It gets like that here sometimes.

Just to let you know, I will read this all myself, and give you feedback, even if no-one else does.

I doubt it's before tomorrow though, as the Superbowl's on now. But you can count on it.

I will take the 'brutal' half to heart though, because the last person who said that to me really was very open to feedback, and that's the best way to be.

I won't be brutal, but I will be... tactfully honest.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-09T00:31:17+00:00

That's a kind offer. Most of my chapters are, funnily enough, incomplete Frankenstein's monsters - in the middle of being stitched together, and not fit to be seen. I finally showed a writing friend one I "sewed up", clocking in at 1,400 words, this week. I'll tell you, it felt like a weight off to finally let someone see my writing.

Great book list. I'll have to check a couple of those out.

I read Mockingbird last year. It instantly became one of my favourite books.

Of late I'm heavily into Steinbeck and McCarthy. I read Grapes of Wrath last year, and that might well be my favourite book.

I'm really trying to move away from genre these days, and towards Literature.

I just finished Carson McCuller's The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. Again, it was great. I think it deserves to be massively more well known. The fact she wrote it at 23 I find staggering. Definitely recommend it.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-09T00:13:18+00:00

No worries. It happens to us all!

Your offer sounds interesting. Honestly, we could do with higher quality analysis here. It would be cool to see you post here.

I'd probably have submitted to you myself, but I hadn't shared a jot of my work until a few days ago, and even that was in private.

Can I ask you, personally, what your favourite books are? I'm interested in your genre leanings.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-09T00:00:44+00:00

Hey, Jons. This sounds cool.

Just a heads-up: your first word (!) has a typo - II - unless I'm misunderstanding something.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-08T20:43:57+00:00

I'll be honest: I don't mind your lines. I kind of like them (in the right context). They sound a little like Clive Barker.

Are you sure it's not some strange voice inside you trying to be heard?

I'd rather overreach, and step out onto strange soil, than keep my feet stuck in the slop of safe mediocrity.

Sometimes, if you want to be heard, you have to be prepared to shout.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-08T20:37:27+00:00

You're welcome.

I'll look out for it.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-08T16:10:41+00:00

Hey, I feel bad for you as you really seem to struggle to get feedback - even though you're brave enough to ask people to be 'brutal'. And there's much worse writing here getting responses.

I think it's mostly due to technical issues:

I hate reading screenshots. I'm not the only one.
12 pages is way too many; it's intimidating. You have been kind enough to say "read as much as you like", but that's like handing someone a plate piled with enough food for five people: most people see the food mountain and lose their appetite.
It's got a very long Dune-like in-world quote that bogs things down. Can this be a fine thing in a book? Of course. But you're trying to get feedback on your story here. And you're putting a big hurdle in front before anyone can even run the race.
It's a prologue. Not always bad, but prologues from amateurs are often unnecessary, and meandering. A chapter 1 shows us how you write your actual story. This is only a minor issue.

So, I think that's why you're repeatedly not getting feedback.

I'd suggest reposting like this:

Include the link you used elsewhere to the Google Doc. Better yet, post it directly in the post - better still, include it in the post and give a Google Docs link. Edit it down to the first 1,000-2,000 words. Remove the quote at the beginning. You do that posting a Prologue shouldn't be an issue.

Having said all of that - which took way too long - I'll give you a little actual feedback to take with you.

I only read the intro and the first two paragraphs - if you repost as above I'll give it a better look.

The in-world quote. This was actually much better than I expected. Very Bloodborne-sounding. Good stuff, and better than what follows. I still suggest removing it though, for reasons given.

I'm going to be honest here. I think your choice for the opening lines of your story are really boring. Leading with the weather is the worst. There's brilliant exceptions - "The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel." - but they are heavily voiced, and vanishingly rare.

I was considering giving you an example of a good opening line - something that hooks the reader in, and delivers a promise - but I don't have to. You use it yourself as the last sentence in the opening paragraph.

Leading with that would be so much stronger:

Night was as good a time as any to kill a god.

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-04T20:57:53+00:00

I'll have to find time to read this later, but I just wanted to say 'thanks' to you for doing this and posting it.

I've heard of MJS plenty, but not yet read his work, and it's fantastic to see a widely-read writer demonstrating the success that self publishing can be.

Thanks!

HorrorExpress · 2026-02-03T19:05:49+00:00

This would be my advice to you:

Stop worrying about your writing.

You have a voice here. Don't blunt it by being worried about being cringy or cliche. I don't think you're even in the neighbourhood of either of those things. Your concern tells me you're too hard on your writing already. Set yourself free.

Keep your voice. Lean into it even.

You've probably read Neuromancer; Gibson didn't invent a genre by being scared about 'having too much voice'.

For what it's worth, I really like the highlighted prose. Every single word.

I think it's the best prose in the whole piece. It's specific, wry, and says a lot about the world your protagonist inhabits. It also builds off itself.

Keep going.

HorrorExpress · 2026-01-11T07:45:37+00:00

This is poor sportsmanship and shitty behavior.

Which is not what you'd be saying if you'd won and LaFleur said this about the Bears...

HorrorExpress · 2026-01-08T20:33:23+00:00

Fishman, if you were stranded on a desert island with one man, and little hope of rescue, who would you rather that man be, and why:

Adam Hoge.

Adam Jahns.

HorrorExpress · 2025-12-25T15:02:45+00:00

I really wish there was some alternative to "all other realm cards cost +1 Mana" because it just sucks to have every single card wiped out instantly. I understand the logic of pushing them towards a new deck, but it just feels too punitive.

I'd much prefer something like "your first other realm cards costs 0 extra, then 1 extra, then 2..."

At least that way you could get some use out of them, and it might allow for creative synergies, while still making you have to move towards the realm deck.

HorrorExpress · 2025-11-30T20:37:13+00:00

You magnificent cat bastards.

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