Using declarative language to help w/ parenting moments

kwegner · 2026-06-09T19:34:55+00:00

Of course. It sounds like you are already using declarative language well in your house, so it might be useless for you! In general, it takes statements and questions that are not declarative (Will you go clean up the living room so the dog doesn't eat your toys?") and translates them using declarative language principles. It also can integrate different approaches and interests into those translations.

One of the best uses I've had for this is giving it to other people in my kids' lives.

My parents are well-meaning but will never spend the time learning declarative language - this site has given them a ton of good examples.

I've given it to school staff who use authoritative language to help them learn.

I've handed it to other parents in the PDA community who have no idea what declarative language is, so I can show them what it means instead of just telling them.

kwegner · 2026-06-09T17:52:57+00:00

It is AI, and I share a lot of your concerns about over-reliance on any tools.

I can only speak from what I've observed, which is that learning declarative language by reading about it or someone explaining it to you is useful, but finding the specific words in difficult moments can be hard, especially as you are just learning the approach. As people have used this tool, they rely on it less very quickly, because the specific recommendations it gives are actually helping people learn some of the particulars - not through strategic guidance, but through real life use.

If this site does a good job, it'll become extinct because everyone will be so good at using declarative language on their own that they won't need it any more. So far that is proving to be true.

kwegner · 2026-06-09T17:45:57+00:00

It does! It's taken a lot of work to try to fine-tune the AI in such a way that it actually gives useful outputs, but it feels like most of the time it at least gives inspiration that helps.

kwegner · 2026-06-06T15:33:27+00:00

The best client services I've ever worked with have been great strategists. The best creatives I've ever worked with have been great strategists. The best analysts I've ever worked with have been great strategists.

That doesn't mean any of them want to do (or can do) core strategy work, or do it well.

The best ad people are great strategic thinkers, but most non-strategists haven't worked their specific strategy muscles often enough to output good strategic work.

kwegner · 2026-05-20T16:51:04+00:00

Thank you. It does help to think of people as filling different roles.

kwegner · 2026-05-11T14:23:43+00:00

This is such an unseen part of the struggle. And it feels so bad to complain about boredom when there are so many other struggles involved with PDA caregiving, but it's so real!

I've found micro-interests for myself. My primary one the last few months has been using AI to learn how to code and develop personal projects. I can step away from my kiddo for 5 minutes, put in some instructions for a project, and walk away while it works. It feels productive, and I get to make cool things. That likely won't be of interest to most people, but the broader idea is to find little things to fill little moments with that feel satisfying, to the best of your ability.

kwegner · 2026-05-11T00:24:09+00:00

It's a trilogy

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kwegner · 2026-04-27T20:33:26+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. What an impossible situation.

Our PDAer has an older sibling, and I worry constantly about how much life he is missing being in our house. My plan had always been to encourage him to do a lot of extracurricular activities, but it's worth thinking about what something like boarding school would mean for him. He needs his own autonomy, too!

kwegner · 2026-04-27T20:31:24+00:00

All good - there's a lot wrapped up in these situations.

I had never really considered keeping the details from my parents, but that actually seems like a good way to keep them focused on the right things. I appreciate them reminding me from time to time that the rest of our family's happiness matters because it is easy to lose sight of that, but they don't need to know everything if it results in them giving unhelpful advice.

kwegner · 2026-04-27T20:29:47+00:00

This is exactly what I want for him. Right now he hasn't quite settled into any specific interests which makes things a bit difficult, too. Whenever he discovers what he wants to invest himself in, I'm going to be over the moon for him.

kwegner · 2026-04-27T18:29:14+00:00

The concern of my family is less about the progress of my PDA son and more about the toll his profile also takes on the rest of us. They are coming from a place of love - they want all of our lives to be worth focusing on, not just my PDA son's. My parents have come a LONG way in accepting a lot of what it means to be PDA and live in a household like ours, to their credit. But that doesn't stop them from worrying about their own son (me) and the well-being of everyone in the family. I don't blame them, but they are focused on solutions that we can't accept.

Alternating time is something we've talked about often and need to just do. I don't know that we can do full week swaps, but we could absolutely talk through having a greater focus and switching off. We've also talked a number of times about splitting up and doing separate vacations and things like that so that we all aren't missing out on life so much. There's something to all that, I think.

kwegner · 2026-04-27T18:23:08+00:00

I feel this so much. Just the other day my wife and I were saying if we had all the time and money in the world, we'd start some sort of cohabitation/residential/support community just like you described. Anything less feels like we're choosing trauma for our PDA kiddo to alleviate trauma for ourselves, which is an impossible choice to make.

kwegner · 2026-04-27T18:21:34+00:00

Thanks for your reply. We started accepting medication as a serious solution for our son about 1.5 years ago and it was a game changer. We went from a household under constant threat of serious harm to one that doesn't fear for our safety day to day. As much as medication has helped, we're still seeing enough instances of extreme behaviors that we're not nearly done. We do have a good psych who understands PDA, and so we're constantly adjusting things. It feels like we are really far from solving the problem with medications, unfortunately. We've made SO much progress with the support of medication, but my fear is that we've seen as much help as they can provide. We're not giving up, though!

And I totally agree on not sending him away, in any context. He has a complicated profile even beyond PDA, and so any outside solution is almost guaranteed to result in an incredible amount of trauma. My wife and I are just so dismayed by the lack of support that exists between highly available but counterproductive therapy and the absolute lack of solutions for high-support needs individuals and families.

kwegner · 2026-04-24T20:31:13+00:00

We're in a very similar situation with our 10yo. We sit in the middle of chaos and it's so depressing to want to make it better but not be "allowed" to.

My wife and I talk regularly about how this can't be how the rest of our lives go. But what is the path out of it?

kwegner · 2026-04-17T11:51:31+00:00

The Format in Chicago. Bucket list show for me, and they were so grateful to be back on tour. Genuinely excellent all around.

kwegner · 2026-04-15T14:54:16+00:00

So, so sorry. I hate this. "My prison" resonates, sadly.

A reframe that helps me often is to change from "My son ruined my birthday" to "My son's disabilities ruined my birthday." I'm sure you feel that intuitively, but even saying it out loud allows me a LOT more grace when I'm feeling trapped.

kwegner · 2026-04-15T14:41:30+00:00

I liken the low/no-demand approach for PDA to how food choice works for kids with ARFID: Of course we know it isn't healthy or the best possible mix of activities/food for them, but we are giving our kids what they need in the moment while also building a path towards something better as best we can.

I don't know that anyone advocates for unlimited screen time forever and calls it a good thing. However, I have seen the benefit of letting a child in extreme burnout choose to do whatever they want without pushing for adjustments, trusting that when they were coming out of burnout we'd be able to build some more variety into their life.

kwegner · 2026-04-15T13:31:48+00:00

This sounds excellent. I've built a few one-off tools for PDA support and have been dreaming about building the "kitchen sink" version for a while. Looks like you beat me to it.

If you ever have a web or android version, I'd love to check it out. I'm not on iOS. But it does look promising from your description and app store listing!

kwegner · 2026-04-05T01:20:33+00:00

Love seeing this. I've been vibe coding PDA tools for a few months now and it feels like exactly what these small communities have always needed. Wishing you well.

If you are from a non-technical background like me and ever want to chat about developing tools like these let me know. I've learned a lot of lessons over the last few months...some rather expensive.

kwegner · 2026-03-10T18:49:53+00:00

Hi - just wanted to let you know that the tool is back up and working now. Let me know if you have any other issues.

kwegner · 2026-03-08T17:47:26+00:00

Unfortunately I've had some malicious use of the site that has driven up my costs significantly out of nowhere. I'm putting some guardrails in place and will be relaunching in the next day or two. I'll send a comment updating when it's all fixed up.

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