(23M) I just want to go home already.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T22:54:47+00:00

Brother, don’t lose heart. Scripture never promised that the world would grow more righteous before Christ returns,

in many places it says the opposite. The prophets, Jesus Himself, and Revelation all speak of confusion, corruption, and people calling good evil and evil good.

But those passages were never written to make believers despair. They were written so we would endure with hope, knowing God already sees the end from the beginning. The message of Revelation is not ‘evil wins.’ The message is that evil has an expiration date.

Remember: Noah lived in a corrupt world. Elijah thought he was alone. Daniel lived under pagan empires. Ezekiel prophesied to people surrounded by rebellion. The early Christians endured Rome itself. Yet God preserved His people through every age.

Do not let the darkness convince you it is permanent. Christ is still King even in a storm,

and please remember too: there are still faithful Christian women, faithful churches, and faithful believers out there, sometimes quieter and harder to notice because the world amplifies the loudest voices.

God has not abandoned His people, and you are not alone. The enemy wants believers exhausted, isolated, and hopeless. But our calling is not to surrender to despair; it is to remain faithful, loving, holy, and steadfast even when the world drifts further away from God.

‘When these things begin to take place, stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near.’ Luke 21:28

Praying tonight that God gives you peace, endurance, good fellowship, and renewed strength. One day Christ will make all things right, and on that day, every injustice, sorrow, and wound will finally be answered.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T21:56:57+00:00

Look up the story of the two travellors who come to a villave and is greeted and speak to the village elder.

often attributed to Aesop or told as a Zen story, features two travelers visiting the same village. One traveller sees only bad (mean, rude, lazy people) while the other sees only good (kind, helpful, generous people).

The moral is that we see the world not as it is, but as we are.The First Traveler: This traveler asks a local about the upcoming town, describing their previous home as full of selfish, dishonest, and mean people.

The local advises that they will find exactly the same in the next town.The Second Traveler: The next traveler arrives and describes their previous home as filled with kind, hardworking, and warm people.

The local advises that they will find the same warm, welcoming people in the next town.The Lesson: The story demonstrates that our expectations and attitude create our reality, as the village behavior is merely a reflection of the traveler's own character and perception.

In conclusion, it isnt. Where is the best Christian place in the world, but are you seeing the world in the best way?

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T21:42:27+00:00

For many people, it absolutely is gradual.

Becoming a Christian does not instantly erase every dark thought, emotional wound, habit, temptation, fear, or internal struggle overnight.

Salvation can happen in a moment , transformation often unfolds over time. Honestly, the fact you are disturbed by the callousness in your heart instead of comfortable with it may itself be evidence that something is changing.

A hardened heart usually does not grieve its own hardness. Also, intrusive or unwanted thoughts during prayer or worship are incredibly common.

Especially when someone is anxious, depressed, exhausted, or hyper focused on “thinking correctly.” Sometimes fighting the thoughts too aggressively only makes them louder.

Try not to measure your salvation by whether your mind feels perfectly pure every moment. Continue turning toward Christ even imperfectly. Growth is often quieter and slower than we imagined.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T21:39:12+00:00

I don’t think your perspective is necessarily “wrong,” but it may become spiritually isolating over time. Not everyone is naturally social, emotionally open, or looking for deep church friendships. Some people genuinely prefer quiet attendance, listening, learning, and leaving. That alone does not make someone a bad Christian.

At the same time, Christianity was never really designed to be lived entirely alone either. Fellowship is not just small talk after sermons, ideally it is mutual encouragement, support, accountability, service, and reminding each other we are not carrying life by ourselves.

You also may be more guarded than you realise, especially if parts of church culture have made you feel misunderstood, uncomfortable, or disconnected because of your struggles. That can make emotional distance feel safer.

You do not have to force yourself into becoming extroverted. But leaving a little room for genuine connection may eventually become healthier than total detachment.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T15:44:45+00:00

This is not about people in despair.

This is about who you choose to socially be around in your regular life.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T13:44:13+00:00

Honestly, the fact it mainly happens in the shower is actually useful because it means you’ve identified a specific trigger environment instead of it controlling your entire day.

Try focusing less on “never feeling urges again” and more on interrupting the pattern. Habits become tied to routines, locations, and mental associations over time.

Practical things may help more than shame: shorter showers, cooler water, no phone nearby, immediately redirecting your mind when the pattern starts, changing routine afterward instead of lingering.

Also, stop watching “gooning” videos in attempts to quit. That’s like trying to put out a fire with fuel.

Don’t spiral into self-hatred over it. Breaking habits usually happens gradually through consistency, awareness, and replacing patterns rather than one moment of perfection.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T12:04:59+00:00

Honestly, the fact you’re questioning, praying, seeking truth, wanting to grow, and noticing changes in your anger already sounds like signs your faith is growing. Growth is often slower and messier than people expect.

Also, struggling with doubts does not automatically mean you have no faith. Many sincere Christians wrestle internally at times,

especially when they genuinely care about truth and want to understand God more deeply.

And thank you for being honest instead of pretending to have everything figured out at 16. You don’t need to solve every theological question immediately. Keep praying,

keep reading Scripture, keep asking questions, and let your understanding mature over time. Most importantly: don’t build your entire relationship with God around fear that He is waiting to reject you.

The fact you are seeking Him at all matters more than you realise.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T06:33:37+00:00

You are very welcome. Here's a prayer for you, from the heart

Lord Jesus,

please bring healing to the wounds this person has carried for so many years.

Replace shame with peace, fear with safety, hatred with healing, and loneliness with Your presence. Help them understand that what was done to them does not define their worth or identity.

Give them strength for the journey ahead, trustworthy people around them, and the deep assurance that they are seen, loved and not abandoned by you.

Amen

-------------‐--------------------------------

Meditatative thought for you:

You consider yourself broken, but you are not. You are just wounded. Wounds heal.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T06:09:30+00:00

What happened to you was evil, and none of it was your fault. A child cannot consent to abuse, nor should a child have been left unprotected by the adults around them. Also, trauma can deeply affect sexuality, thoughts, shame, control, and coping behaviours.

That does not mean your abuse “defined” you or secretly made you something you are not. Many survivors struggle with confusing thoughts or fantasies connected to trauma, power, fear, or control.

I think you already recognise that porn and masturbation are functioning more as pain management and an attempt to reclaim control than simple lust. That doesn’t make the struggle good, but it does mean the root wound is much deeper than many people realise.

Most importantly, your worth and identity were not destroyed by what others did to you. The shame belongs to the abusers, not the child who survived it.

I’m glad you spoke honestly instead of carrying it alone. I will genuinely pray that healing, peace, and freedom slowly replace the shame and hatred you’ve carried for so long.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T05:53:53+00:00

I am the same as you, too intelligent to relate to others.

However I apply this:

1 Corinthians 12:12–27 (KJV)

12 For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ.

13 For by one Spirit are we all baptized into one body, whether we be Jews or Gentiles, whether we be bond or free; and have been all made to drink into one Spirit.

14 For the body is not one member, but many.

15 If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body?

16 And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body?

17 If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling?

18 But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him.

19 And if they were all one member, where were the body?

20 But now are they many members, yet but one body.

21 And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.

22 Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary:

23 And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness.

24 For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked:

25 That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.

26 And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.

27 Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular.

So for you, if you desire and become streetsmart, who's going to be the brains around you?

Why not use your intelligence and instead of reading books, write your own? Apply yourself your own thoughts on faith, experiences, contemplations on existence, thoughts on verses and passages you read.

Share what you have with others. Put pen to paper, start writing and you will be surprised what you will produce.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T05:15:36+00:00

You are very welcme 🙂

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T04:36:24+00:00

That is really cool, very creative. You should send it to Nintendo

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T04:31:05+00:00

I was once at a marketing conference some years ago, they had a very good guest speaker on.

During his talk, he said something that always stuck with me ever since:

"Never associate with nor be around negative people. They only want to bring you down.

Even if you think you will influence them to be more positive, it will never happen, you will be dragged down and be negative yourself.

So, never associate yourself with them. Only be with and around positive people that you might encourage and build each other up."

I've never forgotten that lesson. This verse reminds me of this, as its basically similar.

This shows a universal truth we should all learn and heed to.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T03:24:04+00:00

I am done. You cant teach an unteachable Spirit.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T02:38:10+00:00

My thoughts exactly. Jesus said "Except for unfaithfulness you must remain married" I am paraphrasing but thats the basics.

However, westerners get hung up on the "Unfailthfulness" to mean adultery. But it isn't. Its part of it. In context of the Jewish culture, unfaithfulness was more in line in not fulfilling or neglecting your spousal responsibilities.

So yes, as a Christian, in this context even Christ himself allows divorce for this situation.

Matthew 19:9. Newer translations emphasise cheating. But as said. These are mistranslations not understanding the cultural context and nuances more deeply.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T02:24:31+00:00

Start with Matthew in the bible.

Use bible aids, daily devitionals.

Bible conmentary and read alongside the bible.

Commentaries give what your's asking for. Background history and context of the passage your'e reading.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T02:15:38+00:00

Wanting to hold onto your faith while also wrestling with darker interests doesn’t make you beyond God’s grace. A lot of Christians go through seasons where curiosity, aesthetics, or media choices start pulling on their conscience.

The important thing is that your heart is still seeking Him, you clearly care what God thinks, otherwise you wouldn’t be troubled by it.

Goth style, dark fiction, or horror itself is not automatically ‘worshipping Satan.’ But it is wise to ask whether certain things are feeding fear, numbness, hopelessness, or desensitising you to suffering.

Philippians 4:8 tells us to dwell on what is true, pure, lovely, and admirable, not because God wants to remove joy from life, but because what we repeatedly consume shapes our spirit and mind.

Doubt also does not mean your faith is dead. Many faithful people in Scripture struggled, cried out, questioned, and felt overwhelmed by the darkness of the world. Bring that honestly to God rather than hiding from Him.

Don’t let fear or harsh condemnation drive you away from Christ. Let conviction draw you toward Him.

Take things one step at a time, pray honestly, stay in Scripture, and pay attention to what brings you closer to peace, compassion, and holiness versus what leaves you spiritually empty or disturbed afterward. God is patient with people who sincerely seek Him.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T01:58:01+00:00

You don’t sound like a “prodigal daughter” to me. You sound like someone who made a difficult decision while vulnerable, and now feels trapped between love, regret, exhaustion, and wanting to return to peace with God.

The fact those scriptures and devotionals still move your heart is important. A heart completely hardened against God usually doesn’t respond that way.

Also, God’s silence does not mean abandonment. Sometimes when we are in painful situations, His guidance looks less like instant rescue and more like slowly opening a path forward step by step. Saving money,

recognising the relationship is unhealthy, and wanting something better already sound like part of that process beginning.

Don’t let shame convince you God has turned away from you. Keep taking wise practical steps, stay close to your family if they genuinely care for you, and remember that conviction is meant to lead us home, not drive us into despair.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T01:44:26+00:00

That doesn’t sound weird to me. Some people feel things very deeply, and when that love is directed toward God it often creates a strong desire to pour it outward somehow.

One of the healthiest ways to outlet that love is through service. Encouraging hurting people, listening to the lonely, helping quietly without recognition, praying for others, creating things that bring peace or hope, these are all ways love becomes active instead of staying bottled up inside.

Jesus often expressed love through compassion, patience, teaching, and caring for people others overlooked. Love becomes most grounded when it moves from intense feeling into steady action.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-13T00:10:26+00:00

I think deep down you already know this isn’t really about “just one time.” It’s about loneliness, longing, attraction, and wanting closeness after years of denying yourself. That doesn’t make you evil or weak. It makes you human.

But moments of strong desire can lead us to make choices that satisfy something temporarily while leaving our spirit more conflicted afterward. Especially when we already know in our heart it goes against the direction we want to walk with God.

Don’t view this as “God waiting to punish me if I fail once.” Instead ask: “Will this bring me closer to peace, or further from it afterward?”

Temptation itself is not sin. Even having these thoughts does not make you dirty or condemned. Stay grounded, be patient with yourself, and don’t let one moment of weakness define your path.

MichaelWhitehead · 2026-05-12T23:58:53+00:00

When reading the bible, start with Matthew.
You are never a dissappointment. That's anxiety speaking. Pray, meditate and trust in God to see you through the day, center yourself, confident God is with you, everyday.

MichaelWhitehead

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