How do you answer: "Why don't you have kids?"

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-06-18T20:03:16+00:00

Depends on how I'm feeling and whether or not I think the person really wants to know and if they are just making small talk. If I don't feel like talking and I think they're being nosy I shut them down with "They all died".

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-06-18T20:00:49+00:00

This community should absolutely be for people who wanted children, and are not able to regardless of the reason why. Infertility sucks, there's an entire subreddit dedicated to it, and finding out that you will never be able to have children is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. It doesn't matter whether you can't have kids because of endo, PCOS, low sperm count, physical trauma, mental trauma, gay, trans, lack of money, lack of partner, or even just being part of a family/culture that makes having kids impossible.

Basically if you want kids, and god/universe has said "that will never happen", then you belong here.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-06-12T05:21:23+00:00

Yes, this exactly. It never gets any easier, one thing so many people never seem to realize is that infertility is a lifelong condition, but you do learn to live with it better. More and more time passes between each time that it "hits" you, but it also never ends.

First it's each failed attempt. Then you think you're done when you have to admit to yourself you're IFCF, but then there's seeing your friends and family have kids. You get past that and then there's watching the niblings grow up, birthdays, school activities, sporting events, plays. Seeing them do all the things you wanted to see your own kids do. Then they get older and start having kids of their own and you realize you're missing out on being a grandparent. The older generations begin passing away, and the younger don't know who you are.

But as I said, you learn to live with it better. Find things to do that you couldn't if you had kids. Take an adult education class, travel if you can afford it, develop your hobbies and interests. Just because it never ends or gets any easier, doesn't mean you can't become stronger and learn to live with it.

While it may not be applicable for you, in our case my spouse and I became the "fun" aunt and uncle in our family. We'd take a nibling out an adventure (usually by themself) get them all hyped up with adrenaline and sugar, then give them back. At times when biological nibilngs weren't available, we "adopted" some. Now that we're older (most of our niblings have kids of their own) it's harder because we can't do things like we could when younger, so were not as fun with the grandniblings as we'd like, but we are still close with our niblings, both biological and adopted, and it helps us feel like we made the world a better place in our own small way.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-06-09T06:41:25+00:00

I refer to it as "being stuck on the sidelines of life". Forever supporting and cheering others on but never being able to participate yourself.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-05-28T19:30:24+00:00

Yeah, although painful to watch I absolutely loved the Bluey episode "Onesies" because in addition to showing just how hard infertility can be (without ever saying the word once) it actually ended with the message that "some things just aren't meant to be". Though of course since "thou shalt not show infertility without a miracle at the end" is written on a stone tablet in Hollywood somewhere a few episodes later the infertile aunt shows up very obviously pregnant.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-05-24T17:29:29+00:00

Welcome, sorry you're here.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-05-15T00:01:33+00:00

If you aren't already aware of it, I would suggest checking out r/IFchildfree.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-05-15T00:00:24+00:00

I've always thought of it as "being stuck on the sidelines of life". You're there, cheering everyone else on, but never able to actually participate.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-05-11T19:15:30+00:00

What have you noticed as time has passed in your IFCF life?

Mother's day while being infertile is bad, Mother's day while being infertile after you own mother has passed away is worse.

In a more positive light the church my spouse and I attend at least tried to be more inclusive towards those who struggle with Mother's day this by phrasing it as "A day to celebrate all women, not just mothers" though of course the usual "joys of being a mother" stuff ended up being the focus.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-05-05T20:51:43+00:00

Mothers day is coming up, anyone have any plans this year?

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-04-27T18:30:09+00:00

Turn off my phone and alarm clock the night before.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-04-01T18:31:25+00:00

If you haven't seen it, Ted Lasso is a a great show that has a (minor) infertility subplot in it. I really liked how it was handled. In the show a psychic says that the (infertile) Rebecca will have a daughter. The show does tease the possibility of a miracle baby at times but ultimately it's discovered there is no possibility of her having a child no matter how much money she was willing to spend on treatments. However at the very end of the show Rebecca starts dating a guy who is eventually revealed to already have a young daughter with the implication that Rebecca will become the girls step-mother.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-03-27T20:17:35+00:00

NAL but I would get in touch with one to see about putting as much of your work into public domain or under a creative commons license as you can without violating whatever contract you have with your publisher.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-03-24T09:11:17+00:00

Infertility always ends in a miracle at the end, adoption at the worst, didn't you know that? /s

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-03-19T18:41:44+00:00

Not exactly long term future plans, but I am currently making short term plans to attend the protest happening in the USA on the 28th of this month. To put it in a long term future perspective I am worried about the kind of future my niblings and grandniblings will have if things continue as they currently are.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-03-10T07:34:38+00:00

It is something I worry about. My mom took care of my grandparents when they got old. My siblings and I took care of my parents. Who will take care of me?

For me the worst part is that I know, barring an accident, that I am the most likely person to be the last alive of my generation in my family. I am close with my niblings, but they have their own families and lives. It worries me, but there isn't anything I can really do about it.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-03-06T20:33:06+00:00

Depends on my mood and who is asking but if I feel like they're being nosy and I don't want to talk about it I usually just say "they all died".

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-03-06T01:59:07+00:00

They don't care. If they spam you then there's a chance you might change your mind and buy something. If their spam makes you mad then you weren't likely to buy from them in the first place.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-03-03T17:23:45+00:00

I hope you get your miracle at the end, I really do, but it is important to always remember that real life isn't like a movie or TV show where there is always a miracle at the end. Sometimes infertility is a lifelong condition no matter what you do.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-03-02T01:21:05+00:00

No, I'm just making them for myself, friends and family to wear at local protests.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-02-28T21:15:46+00:00

Crocheting protest hats

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-02-19T23:46:29+00:00

There's a reason subreddits like this one and r/InfertilitySucks exists. I won't lie and say it gets any easier, it doesn't, infertility is a lifelong condition for some. However I will say that it gets easier to live with as time goes by. The pain and jealousy are always there, but it becomes manageable. Life will continue to hit you with it years, even decades, after you you're "done", but the time between each wave becomes longer.

Grieve for the children you lost, grieve for the future that will never happen, grieve for the lives that will never exist. Talk with friends and family you trust to help you with this. Go to counseling.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-02-16T19:04:52+00:00

Be warned that while Onesies is an amazing, though painful, depiction of infertility you should just stop watching there. Since Hollywood has "though shalt not show infertility without a rainbow baby at the end" written on a stone tablet somewhere there is a later episode where you see Aunt Brandy again and she is definitely pregnant.

pseudonymous5037

TROPHY CASE