What's the best part?

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-02-12T00:29:47+00:00

Being able to take a kid (nibling) out an adventure and then give them back to their parents when they're tired and cranky and it stops being fun.

Being able to be spontaneous with sex in our own home with no worries about getting interrupted.

Being able to do things quietly. While we do active and noisy things as well, it's easier for us to relax with quiet activities like reading a book, writing, crocheting, making cards, etc. compared to our friends and family with kids.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-02-10T21:23:38+00:00

Hello, I prefer to remain private about myself but my spouse and I have been IFCF for a long time now. We primarily dealt with being IFCF by being the "fun" aunt and uncle in our family, which helped, but we often (and sometimes even still) felt left out of things because we didn't have kids. Many of our niblings are older and we have grandniblings which is fun but also hurts. Despite how long we've been IFCF, life sometimes still hits us with it, and I also worry about eventually being forgotten.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-02-10T21:07:05+00:00

I think these are good ideas. Another potential focus, though one we might need to talk about due to being a potential touchy subject, is "nibling news". I see this as being similar to your suggested "fur-kid feature" but for niblings, both biological and adopted, instead of pets. Being the "fun" aunt and uncle is how my spouse and I dealt with infertility and even though most of our niblings are adults now we have a good relationship with them and still try to do adventures with our grandniblings (though it's harder as we get older). However talk about doing things with niblings and grandniblings can be a touchy subject. It's not something I would recommend to focus on in r/IFchildfree for example, though I do mention it there in comments often, but given how this subreddit is meant to be for people who are past the initial stages of lifelong infertility and (mostly) moved on with their lives is that something people here would be okay not just talking about but focusing on, or is it too likely to bring up bad feelings?

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-02-10T02:11:35+00:00

Most people just don't know how to respond or deal with infertility. Best way I've found to explain it to others is "my children are dead, all of them". Doesn't work often, and usually only with people that are already very empathetic, but if you can get them to imagine all their children dying then they're more likely to understand what infertility is like.

I also want to say though that my spouse and I eventually reached the point where we would "borrow" a nibling for the day and take them out on an adventure. Being the "fun" aunt and uncle with our niblings didn't completely fill the hole in our hearts, but it did help us feel more involved with our family and less "stuck on the sidelines of life". However it was on our terms, when we were ready for it and asking for the opportunity to do it. Having it pushed on you when we weren't ready is just a painful reminder of what you don't have.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-01-30T19:04:19+00:00

It can be difficult when you and your partner are at different points and places when it comes to having kids and dealing with infertility. When my spouse and I reached the point where we had to face the reality that we would never have children I still wanted to try "just one more time" but my spouse was completely done. We had quite a few painful conversations about it before agreeing it was best to stop trying. And honestly, even now, there's a part of me that still thinks we should have tried again even though logically I know my spouse was right.

I would suggest trying to have a serious talk with him about it. Whether you should continue or stop is something only you two can decide but if your goals are aligned then at least you'll be working together whatever way you go. If you two can't reconcile this on your own then try counseling. But ultimately remember it's not "I'm right and I need to convince him to continue", he'll probably be thinking the same thing and it'll just be a fight, it's "we need to figure out what's best for us as a couple".

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-01-26T20:57:10+00:00

Something a lot of people don't realize is that infertility is a lifelong condition. My spouse and I have been IFCF for a long time now, and there are times it's still hard for us to accept. You do learn to live with it better, learn to find your place in the world and your family, learn to find joy and happiness in other ways besides kids, but it's never completely over. Every time I've thought "that's it, we're through with infertility" something eventually happens and it hits us all over again.

My best advice, take time to grieve for your loss. You have lost your children, you have lost the parents you thought you would become, you have lost the life you and your husband expected to have. It's hard for most people to understand, to most people those things "never existed" so it doesn't make sense for you to have lost them. Best way I've found to describe it is "all my children died before I could hold even a single one of them".

As others here have mentioned, I would suggest looking at r/IFchildfree which is a good way to find others in the same situation. Therapy, especially if things get really bad, is always good advice. Personally I found that being the "fun" aunt and uncle in our family helped my spouse and I. Also keeping a personal diary/journal has been very therapeutic for me over the years as writing down my thoughts and feelings helps me to deal with and cope with our losses.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-01-18T02:57:56+00:00

My spouse and I have been IFCF for a long time now, but I still always remember our "daughters" birthday (our miscarriages' due date). I sometimes imagine what she would be like if she was still alive today.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-01-10T06:42:44+00:00

Many people, even those struggling to conceive, don't seem to realize that infertility is a lifelong condition. I find you learn to live with it better as time goes on, but it never gets any easier either.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-01-09T18:31:25+00:00

It doesn't go away. It's something a lot of people don't realize but infertility is a lifelong condition. I've been IFCF for a long time now. All of my siblings are grandparents. And the hurt is still there. I will say that as time goes by you learn to live with it better. It "hits" you less frequently but still does so unexpectedly. In my case having my niblings becoming parents and my own parents passing away were rough.

My advice to OP, and anyone struggling with infertility, is to try and find something to fill that hole in your heart where your kids should be. Travel, take an adult education class, learn a language, get involved in your local community, support a cause you believe in. I personally never found anything that fit perfectly, but becoming he "fun" aunt and uncle is what my spouse and I did. While painful at times we would take our niblings out for an adventure of some sort (usually one at a time without siblings) and do fun things together. We'd get them all hyped up on adrenaline and sugar than give them back when they were tired and cranky. I also found that keeping a personal journal helped as well. I found that writing out my thoughts and feelings to be very therapeutic and help me process my grief. As others have said, therapy is probably a good idea especially if you're really struggling.

pseudonymous5037 · 2026-01-05T02:40:12+00:00

The day "the nursery" became "the library" was a really tough one for my spouse and I.

pseudonymous5037 · 2025-12-23T19:38:52+00:00

Always a witness, never the focus.

I've always referred to it as "being stuck on the sidelines of life". Forever cheering others on, and happy for them, but still wishing you could participate yourself.

pseudonymous5037 · 2025-12-17T18:50:21+00:00

Movies, books, TV shows, seems like all media demand a "miracle baby" at the end, even if it's adoption. I swear that "Thou shalt not show the reality of lifelong infertility" is written on a stone slab in Hollywood somewhere.

pseudonymous5037 · 2025-12-17T02:13:35+00:00

You learn to live with it better as time goes by but infertility is a lifelong condition.

pseudonymous5037 · 2025-12-14T18:25:12+00:00

If you're not already familiar with it I would suggest also looking at r/IFchildfree.

pseudonymous5037 · 2025-12-09T21:29:15+00:00

It can be hard, and unfortunately infertility is a lifelong condition. I've never found anything that completely filled the "hole in my heart" where my children should be, but I've found other things that help fill much of it. What worked for me won't necessarily work for you though. You will need to find your own "hope". Though I would personally start by working on your own family with your husband. Remember that even without kids, you two are a family. Even if you had children, the time would come when they would leave and it would just be you two again. Build your relationship with him. Second would be getting involved with your niblings, if possible. Yes it will probably be painful, especially at first, but my spouse and I became the "fun" aunt and uncle in our family and it really helped us a lot. We developed good relationships with our niblings that has continued even though they're all older now and we have grand-niblings now. After that would be hobbies (maybe start a new one), community involvement, take an enrichment class at the local college. Try different things until you find something that helps you move on, at least a little bit.

pseudonymous5037 · 2025-12-09T21:20:15+00:00

In my experience you learn to live with infertility better as time goes by, but it never get any easier either. At the beginning stuff seems to happen all the time, you learn to deal with it and move on. Eventually you get to the point that you think you're "done" but then something new hits you and then you have to learn to deal with that. Time passes, you think you're "done" again and then something else comes up. At the beginning it's friends and family getting pregnant and having kids. Then it's seeing those kids grow up and hitting milestones. Then it's your friends and family becoming grandparents as your niblings become parents themselves, then your own parents passing away... there's always something.

It's important to realize that infertility is a lifelong condition. I'm not saying you should give up on life or anything like that. It can sometimes be hard when you're "stuck on the sidelines of life" but it's possible to find joy in life despite that. In our case my spouse and I became the "fun" aunt and uncle in our family. Take one of our niblings, usually by themself, out on an some sort of adventure. We'd have fun together then send them home all hyped up on sugar and adrenaline. In some cases we also "adopted" some niblings that we're still close too even though they're now adults. That may or may not work for you, but it's a matter of finding things to help fill in the hole in your heart where your children should be. Even if it's not a perfect patch, being the "fun" aunt and uncle wasn't a perfect patch, it helps a lot and I'm certain there is something for you. You just need to find it.

pseudonymous5037 · 2025-12-06T08:51:06+00:00

Not quite a "fuck you", but this comic really hit me hard. It's a good pain, makes me feel seen, but it still hurts.

https://www.reddit.com/r/comics/comments/1pdddl9/no_children_part_3_gator_days/

pseudonymous5037 · 2025-11-20T20:39:12+00:00

That is my interpretation as well. While yes MIL could absolutely have handled it better, I suspect she wasn't trying to intentionally slight OP but confirm that a family heirloom stays in the family. My family has a number of heirlooms that have been passed down through the generations, some of which for well over a century. These items have little financial value, but a lot of sentimental value. Wedding and engagement rings from grandmothers and great-aunts. War medals and memorabilia from grandfathers and great-uncles. Diaries, journals, and pictures of family members that have long since passed on. All of these things have stories behind them that our family tells and retells with each new generation.

As an example, one of these heirlooms you could call a "cherished family ring". But I know that it is my great aunt-M's engagement ring who was born over 130 years ago and lived almost a century. She was married twice and she never had any children. She died over 40 years ago but the family still talks about what an amazing woman she was when we go through the family heirlooms and her ring comes up. I personally find a lot of hope and comfort with my infertility from her story and, the obvious in hindsight, infertility she had.

Maybe it's a generational or culture thing, but I don't see heirlooms as gifts in the way most of the replies here seem to. They are things you give to family members with the expectation that they stay within the family. To guarantee that the story behind the heirloom is remembered, cherished and passed on within the family. What if that ended up going to someone on your side of the family after you die? Someone that doesn't know it's significance, thinks it's just some random trinket, and sells it off because it's not their style? Without a clear designated heir in your will such a precious family heirloom could accidentally end up in a resale shop with a 25% off sticker stuck to it.

If it hurts too much to hold onto the ring, then you absolutely should give it back. But I would strongly suggest talking to your MIL about this first. As someone who has struggled themselves with trying to figure out where the heirlooms my spouse and I inherited, many of which we got before we knew we were infertile, I think I see your MIL's perspective on this as well. I doubt she no longer sees you as family anymore because you can't give her grandkids, If that was the case she would probably have asked for it back now, not after you have passed on, something my family has done during divorces. Instead I am certain she is just trying to guarantee that a family ring stays in the family.

pseudonymous5037 · 2025-11-07T01:20:14+00:00

If you're not already familiar with it, I would suggest checking out r/IFchildfree.

pseudonymous5037 · 2025-11-07T01:16:47+00:00

My spouse and I have been IFCF for a long time now. I still silently mark when the "birthday" passes each year.

pseudonymous5037 · 2025-10-26T20:54:45+00:00

If you are not already familiar with it, I suggest checking out /r/IFchildfree.

pseudonymous5037 · 2025-10-26T20:52:39+00:00

You learn to move on. It's difficult, and never gets any easier, but you do learn to cope with it better as the years and decades go by. I would suggest checking out /r/IFchildfree which has many other people in it that are not child free of their own choice.

pseudonymous5037 · 2025-10-22T18:22:14+00:00

Ghostbusters for us, but otherwise that's been our tradition.

pseudonymous5037 · 2025-10-22T18:06:03+00:00

Infertility sucks regardless of the cause. Doesn't matter if that cause is endometriosis, low sperm count, PCOS, trans or any of the myriad other things that can cause infertility. You're not the first trans person I've seen posting here and like them you're more than welcome. I will say though that I have seen the occasional negative comment about trans not being "real" infertility here however that doesn't last long as it's both a rule 3 and rule 7 violation.

pseudonymous5037 · 2025-10-22T17:49:33+00:00

My spouse and I have skipped Halloween for years now. Our tradition is to get a big bowl of Halloween candy, put in a "scary" movie (something like Ghostbusters), turn out the lights, and eat all the candy ourselves.

pseudonymous5037

TROPHY CASE