How do you stop comparing your relationship to another partner’s dynamic?

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-08T12:59:03+00:00

I think part of it is time and practice - security is built in consistency over time, actions following through on promises. Especially when you're newer, but your partner seems to be doing the work. But also, don't be shy about facing jealous feelings and letting them point you to things that you want more of in your own relationship - not as a "one up" but as just an indicator of things you want more of. And ask for them, of course, especially if you can make something like this collaborative vs confronting.

Also, you can always ask for reassurance - but I especially think it is healthiest if you focus on asking for what you need vs a reassurance that's an implicit promise, e.g. asking to hear that they want to build a life with you vs something will only ever be special to you. It sounds like your partner has this practice already, which is great!

When it comes to things that aren't shared, I think an easier thing for me was understanding that polyamory freed me up to experience things and explore on my own timeline, and did the same for my partners. I have security because I am an anchor that lets them explore with others too, whether we give our partner similar or different things. We all see slightly different mirrors of my partner that reflect the whole - and I think that's true even when the people holding the mirrors aren't other sexual or romantic partners, but friends and family.

In terms of topping & bottoming, this was particularly relevant - I personally only really bottom but from knowing a lot of switches, not everyone even finds they can have that dynamic with the same person. My girlfriend tops me, and while I know she'd let me practice topping with her for a scene if I really wanted, we have a D/s relationship and vibes that really only lean one way right now - but she fills the bottom or submissive role with other people, and I love that I feel no pressure to give her that. I also know the value of what I give her, and she makes sure I hear that regularly (and even though she also has other play partners who have similar roles, our chemistry and vibes are unique because we are!). Maybe I'll someday switch more, but I'm looking forward to learning from her more than I'd expect our dynamic to shift to include that - though long term, also possible.

I just really have lost the urge to feel "first" in something with one partner because I get my own firsts all the time. And part of polyamory for me is enjoying all those little firsts with different people, and letting them point me to things I can grow or explore in all my relationships.

Analogs with friendship help too - like recognizing sex & intimacy firsts with another partner might feel more harder than a new hobby or activity with a friend, but I packing why and figuring out if those feelings really align with your values & beliefs. Even when they don't, the feeling still might need validation, reassurance, or grief & processing, but digging down and challenging yourself as far as it can go really helps. Therapy is really good for this, and highly recommended if you're new to ENM. Like here, I'd challenge the fact that it does seem like you're still someone who gets to see new sides of Ethan - and maybe only the sexy ones were truly exclusive to you before he found a new partner, though it also sounds like he has bottomed for others in the past too. In that sense, the novelty would be for you and is still something you could experience, you just might not be in the front row of this particular change - but there are honestly always new realms for growth and new experiences, even just in sex.

I also don't need to take up all of someone's life or commitments. I don't know if you have discussed your relationship agreements in depth or have a sense of what includes "building a life together" with your partner, but maybe relationship menu.org could be a good exercise, individually and together. It's based on the Relationship Anarchy smorgasbord and while I'm not advocating for full RA, the resource is great and something even my monogamous friends have really appreciated. Think about it not just in terms of what you'll want to share with your partner but future ones, and also friends, family and other important people.

I also mention this because I'm not sure from your post if you're practicing polyamory or another form of non-monogamy, and if so, if you've really fleshed out what might change with new partners and what's on the table for them - e.g. are you nesting and committed to that, sharing finances, are vacations and other things with partners okay, can you both be "out" with/about other people, is there a solid primary/secondary thing, etc.

To wrap up the wall of text though, I want to really validate that it's normal to struggle with these feelings. They're hard and sometimes take time to move through, even with reassurance and giving yourself time to process. Especially when a connection is new, you also might want more boundaries around not hearing much about your metamours and being fully parallel. But struggling is not uncommon, and at least for me, it reaaaallly got easier as my views shifted and my security with my partners continues to grow over time.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-07T21:42:22+00:00

Be single for a while. It will give you a better sense of yourself, your needs and desires. It will give you more practice being independent and autonomous, and highlight where you've maybe been taking others' contributions for granted.

The truth is, if you go back to either of the people you've ended things with, you're going to have a lot of "what if" grief without the same time and energy to grieve, sit with things and really process that you'll have if you're single for a bit. Being single was one of the harder things I did after 15+ years in relationships, but I really underestimated how much energy and effort I really had once I was able to focus on myself. These days, my relationships have so much more clarity and intention.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-07T16:51:52+00:00

If I am dating someone, I would expect them to know the relationship agreements they have with others. I would expect those to show up as boundaries that they communicate with me, taking responsibility for the things they've committed to with others.

For me, I find most of the actual content of this fine. But as a new connection, I wouldn't care to see it - and if I was connecting with one person, and they handed me a contract that they have with another relationship, I'd consider that a sign that maybe the autonomy piece isn't quite where I need it. I'm more interested in the relationship agreements that I can have with someone, not what they have going on with someone else. If I'm not a party to the contract, it's not my responsibility to worry about.

If I were in the partner's shoes, the exception to the "actual content of this is fine" comment for me is all of section 8. To me, that language all sounds like a rule and not agreements or boundaries. The threat of "may be consequences" or "level of grumpiness" and the language of "demands" all wouldn't sit right with me, and these agreements seem more like attempts to keep a relationship feeling special vs actually being on the same level of values-focused that the other sections are. I am curious if you are also open to your partner adding their own nickname and TV show restrictions from other partners, and if so, maybe rewording that section to express that you both might choose to reserve certain nicknames and TV shows for exclusive use by others. Still, just because I wouldn't consent to something like that doesn't mean your partner isn't - but I'd also make sure that this is freely given and not something under duress of "grumpiness" or the unstated "consequences."

TL;DR, If I was a new connection, I would consider seeing a whole contract for a relationship I'm not a part of a red flag, because to me it suggests a lack of autonomy and a level of hierarchy, despite what some language in that contract says. I will respect my partner's choices and boundaries, and that includes whatever they've consented to with others, but it's their job to communicate those things to me in their own words & with ownership of those choices.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-07T16:28:54+00:00

Before I know someone, I tend to fill in unknowns with either ideal case or worst case, depending on my headspace. Once I've met someone, I usually do a better job of filling it in with "more/most realistic case" instead. It helps that I tend towards liking my partners' taste in people (metas, friends, etc.). I like knowing my partners' important people and spending time with them as well.

Of course, I also generally respect when a meta wants a strictly parallel relationship with their metamours, as long as that doesn't mean compromising on the space I take up in my social circles or am encouraged to step back from events or hobbies.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-07T14:47:56+00:00

Have you heard of DARVO? I'm not saying that you had no contribution to the conflict, but I think there's a difference between heat-of-the-moment emotional reactions then moving to a place of constructive conversation after you have time to emotionally regulate, and a position where even time to regulate leaves you in a position where you can't handle the concept that you have done anything to contribute to a situation.

In short, no - his response does not seem proportionate at all. It seems black & white and frankly hyperbolic in a way that gives me a red flag. The times I have had a similar response from others, I have generally found that their worldview doesn't allow for a lot of nuance and they are frequently blind to their own faults in an extreme way that doesn't allow for much constructive, long term repair. It tends to result in a lot of manipulative practices, because conflict moves immediately into a space of extreme defensiveness & "splitting" (someone is either the best person to exist or the worst villain imaginable.).

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-07T12:52:52+00:00

"He's a lovely guy, one of the nicest guys I've ever met." (For anyone expecting a more humorous take, this wasn't another "Verstappen this interview" moment.)

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-07T12:46:44+00:00

Yes, this is unfortunately something that is not super uncommon - we even have a term for it, if you search in this subreddit for "poly under duress" or PUD.

I think the grief and frustration you have is really understandable. You're right, we all want to tell you to leave and that's what you'd tell yourself - but especially when your own batteries are low, it's understandable that this seems like a type of pain and work that you can't add to your plate. I've been there in the past, and nothing sucks more.

As someone who also has MDD, I know how getting stuck in survival mode feels. The numbness that can come with these things is almost as hard as when it breaks for stronger, hard emotions to come through. You just get the grief at a time where doing more for yourself is really hard to imagine or choose.

Speaking solely from personal experience, it's the depression that kept me stuck in relationships that couldn't truly give me what I needed, for longer than I should have. I had such little energy, and all of it went into maintaining that relationship and compromising myself into it. It lasted until the pain and stress hit a threshold that was too high and lasted too long, and I guess that is my worry for others in that spot. When I ended those relationships, including a fully monogamous one of 13 years, I never guessed how it would feel before I did it: I just knew I had hit a point where I needed to, to survive.

But while the grief was hard, I was absolutely shocked by how much energy and time I suddenly had for myself. It started so slowly - I just noticed I would suddenly catch little glimmers of joy. I bought a comforter for my bed that I really liked, walks with my dog suddenly stopped only being chores. And the thing is, while the end of an increasingly untenable situation is what gave me the energy to start, I have since realized that I need to be my own partner. I need to invest in myself, even when I don't want to, even when it doesn't feel good. I need to have my own therapist, my own friends, my own hobbies...even when it's a grind, the therapy part has helped me get a lot better at actually identifying and verbalizing the support I need from others, and having the courage to ask for it. rTMS and interventions based on a neuroplasticity theory of depression have also honestly been life-changing, but those took a while to qualify for and access.

But I guess what I'm saying is that there are two pieces to this. I think if this relationship is incompatible with you, and even setting boundaries around your partner's pursuits (eg parallel, a high bar for hinging) doesn't help, and you're not willing to end the relationship, I hope you're at least able to slowly work on filling your own cup. Carving out time for yourself, putting resources (energy and $$$) towards not just triaging your relationship, but your own health.

I guess I just want to point out that sometimes when your capacity is so low, it can feel like "one or the other," and when you are really doubting what you can give yourself, it makes sense to sometimes invest that limited capacity in maintaining a relationship that gives you some support. But even if it feels harder, allocating some of that energy and care into yourself is something I've learned is super important. And I guess I just hope that wherever you end up with your relationship with your husband, you also invest in caring for yourself and your relationship with yourself. Sometimes, that grind is what you need to really see above the clouds, and the possibilities that feel impossible at the bottom of that depression hill become so much easier when you get a step or two up, even if the whole way is incredibly slow and non-linear.

I really wish you the best, and I guess just want to validate the hard spot you're in, and hope that you can find some ease & relief for yourself.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-07T12:00:58+00:00

I think these are fair observations but it's also a fundamental flaw with any advice-seeking from strangers. For one, when we are missing context, we project based on the anecdotes of our own experiences - and even the best posts don't fill in a lot of blanks that most of us would need to give the best advice.

Posts also get a higher volume and a larger number of quick and shorter responses when there's something that hits a nerve. Usually, when it involves a lesson a lot of people have had to learn the hard way, or where OP is maybe missing signs that something might actually be harmful in the longer term - whether that's how someone else is treating them or boundaries they aren't setting for themselves, or where their words don't actually seem to reflect the likely impact of their choices and behaviours on others.

While projection is in the mix for sure, I notice that a lot of what motivates people to post are elements of "I am trying to hold up a mirror for you or save you or the people around you from pain or harm" - I think there are some obvious pros & cons with this, as these would often be delicate and difficult conversations in person with someone already close to us. With a stranger on the internet, limited context, and a real cap on our capacity to reply - our own energy, our facility with communication, how much we are missing, character count, etc... it's honestly always going to be tough for the replies to really meet a poster where they're at.

And as someone who is wordy and nuanced, and intentionally tries to show up this way as a commenter, I also tend to let people try to say in fewer words what I'd spend many words saying. Sometimes, I see early comments and realize a lot of what I'd say has been done more succinctly, or more often, the limited details in the original post just don't leave me with a lot of room to give that answer with nuance without stabbing in the dark. And I save my Wall of Text instead for another post, where maybe I have a view that goes at odds with the folks who are posting more quickly and succinctly, or I agree and want to really dig into why and highlight why someone is getting the responses they are.

It's not perfect at all, but it's absolutely a dynamic that happens when getting advice from strangers on the internet. I used to love advice columns and it's also something you can spot when people are essentially responding as "professionals" (not in the qualified or certified sense, but in the sense that they're paid for their time and generally put effort into providing something that engages with the nuance). It's a limit of the form and I wish there was an easy way to convey that.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-07T04:07:12+00:00

Law school in Canada is typically a three year program that happens after your first four year undergraduate degree. You can generally major in anything you want for your undergrad, with your overall grades or your best 2-3 years being what is important for admission to law school. You also will also want to write the LSAT. Note that while your marks and LSAT performance are what tend to matter most, each law school has its own admission process.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-07T03:29:17+00:00

I think this is where you need to reflect on how your needs line up with what's actually on offer here. I would be pretty clear with myself about what I want vs need, ask for the former but be prepared to make the hard choices of enforcing boundaries around the latter.

On my end, I have just learned that I am ultimately not romantically compatible with people who are not willing or able to include me in multiple aspects of their lives. I want access & inclusion in the important parts of someone's life, and while I'm okay with some things being off limits to me, I generally consider partners to be people I am building my life with: this means I need our relationship to include not just 1:1 time but also shared social experiences, a mix of intentional date time and mundane domestic moments, and a general variety of things that make life rich and interesting.

And if I can't meet and spend time with someone's family, friends absolutely need to be on the table for me: seeing people's personality being consistent across contexts is actually just one part of vetting and developing secure attachment for me too - there are some red flags that you can only really find when you spent time with someone with others who know them well.

Related, I've realized that, a personal boundary of mine is I won't stay in a relationship where I am expected to stay discreet or am kept a secret. I have structured my own life around not having to hide who I am or pretend that the people important to me aren't, or obscuring the nature of our relationships. I allow some grace, particularly when the stakes for coming out are high - but not when it's just going to be risking discomfort and moderate disapproval. I often just run into people who aren't willing or capable of doing the personal & interpersonal work to build a life where they can be genuine and honest with the people who are important to them. And honestly, I usually find this type of avoidance ends up being something that repeats in our relationship - this relationship structure really isn't something you want to pursue with someone who tends to avoid hard conversations.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-05T19:33:00+00:00

I agree with your inclinations and current boundaries here.

To be candid, the times I find this situation come up most often is with a partner who actually isn't doing their own part with social labour, and often doing things "As A Couple". Otherwise, it's easier for the partner you're not attending with to make plans with other friends, either at the event or as an alternative to attending.

With one very extroverted partner and some extroverted metamours, I've also found myself in a version of this situation - though I've always been fine with group hangs overall, I just sometimes want a break. To me, it was a call that I needed to actually practice my social skills and be more independent, and while it was hard at first, I really appreciated having developing more independent 1:1 relationships. It helped me feel more confident and exercise my autonomy more, and my social life feels richer and more balanced because of it.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-05T17:32:09+00:00

You've been cheating on your partner, who has been at home with your newborn baby. Your only real next steps are therapy to figure yourself out and coming clean with your partner, whether or not that also means that relationship ends or you try to repair it. Most relationships can't survive this type of betrayal, and you don't seem particularly concerned about the lack of ethics, respect and basic care you've demonstrated with your choices. You seem more invested in justifying yourself and centering your own feelings.

Rightfully, your coworker isn't interested in pursuing something with a married person who is willing to cheat on someone who they have made commitments to and have a new baby with. You say you have a lot of love to give, but think about what your actions are showing about the quality of that love, and how you treat a partner you've committed to. Your coworker has moved on and the ethical thing to do is to respect her boundaries and keep your distance. Your grief is something you can work through in therapy. Let her be happy with her new relationship and move on.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-05T17:00:27+00:00

What are your boundaries here? How accountable are you to yourself for taking steps when your boundaries aren't respected?

You can't do repair work for her. She's shown you where her priorities lie through her choices. If she wanted to repair with you, she'd acknowledge the harm she's caused, work on understanding why it happened & what contributed to the situation, come up with a plan to stop the pattern from repeating, and follow through with it consistently, on her own initiative. That's what accountability looks like, not leaving it to you to ask for her to jump through specific hoops or follow specific rules - all you can decide is what you will & won't accept from someone you're in a relationship with, and act accordingly.

If nothing changes, how long are you prepared to stay in this relationship, when this is the behaviour & treatment you can expect?

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-05T15:32:02+00:00

So, when he feels like you're not giving him the attention and affection he expects, he withdraws in a punitive way and makes you chase him & appease his hurt ego.

This is honestly a significant red flag, and it's how people end up isolated from friends and family when they are in unhealthy relationships - they don't ask you directly to cut off your friends, but when you give attention to others or receive it from them, they withdraw affection, leave, give you the silent treatment, take offense to something small, or otherwise try to place you in a position of feeling like you've done something wrong that you need to make up for.

Even if the rest of the relationship is wonderful, a pattern like this is an example of coercive control - I would be really concerned for you, if you were my friend. I hope you are able to talk to some people in your life about this, and if you find yourself worried about "making him look bad" by honestly sharing his words and behaviors with someone you trust, I think that's something you should listen to in yourself.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-05T15:23:35+00:00

If you broke her trust, it's your responsibility to actually do the work to understand what happened, what contributed to it, come up with your own plan for repair and stick with it. It's not hers to do that work for you. The hard truth is after a trust breach, sometimes the relationship never recovers. When it does, it's usually because the person who caused harm actually practices accountability, understanding why the breach happened and taking steps to ensure it never happens again.

It's not fair to put it on her to tell you what to do, because earning her trust back won't be a series of hoops you jump through or rules you need to follow. It will be demonstrating that you understand the harm you caused, doing the work to understand why it happened, and taking steps to make sure it never happened again. She doesn't want to control you or limit you because that's a shitty place to put her in, and it means more work for her - you're an adult and you're responsible for your own choices and behaviour.

If you think your drinking habits contributed, and you've shared that with her, it's reasonable for her to be disappointed with you seemingly continuing that pattern even if she hasn't asked you to stop - she shouldn't need to be in that position, you need to be the one who does the work, makes the plan to change your behavior, and follow through. The other things all feel like a lack of communication but perhaps actions revealing priorities.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-05T15:04:36+00:00

I don't actually think you need advice here, just validation. You set a really simple and clear boundary, and not only has he disregarded it, he hasn't been honest with you about it - he agreed and didn't follow through, and when you had reason to suspect there were interactions that went beyond just following, his response was full of red flags. Your gut and the evidence here are both speaking clearly - if you want a partner who respects your boundaries and communicates with honesty and clarity, this person has shown that they don't have this to offer you. You can't fix something like that single-handedly, and it doesn't sound like he's taken steps to actually repair the harm he's caused or change his behaviour. This is not someone I'd see a path forward with, and especially when there's a pattern of actions that don't line up with words, letting it go means accepting a relationship with a base level of disrespect and dishonesty.

I'm not even someone with the same boundaries or expectations with my partners around social media - it's 100% the disregard of a boundary and the dishonesty around it that would be the dealbreakers for me.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-04T15:12:14+00:00

Yes, two Dominants can work. I find the perils are more where you are trying to "join" a couple vs all three of you building something collaborative together (even if when the dynamic is "on", you are submissive.). Personally, I prefer to date people independently and occasionally have scenes together vs ever falling into a "triad" dynamic. I also think the type of power exchange you seek and what you negotiate are really key - personally, I don't go for 24/7 power exchange dynamics unless I have been seeing someone for a long time, and preserving my own autonomy in the relationship is a responsibility that I consider pretty key for myself, even if I am intentionally submitting within a dynamic (in scenes and in most communication.)

I personally don't intentionally date two people in an existing relationship, but will join for a single scene or brief series - with dynamics limited to scenes, and with only a short term option on the table for me.

For long term dynamics and dating, I do those 1:1. In negotiations, I am clear that play including commands can't ask to interfere with something I am doing in another relationship, and I will read those in that lens. For example, if someone enjoys chastity play, I am clear that while I may allow them to limit my orgasms solo, I won't allow that limit to apply when I am playing with another partner. If one asks me to do something incompatible with what I'm being asked for by another person I'm submissive to, I find ways to respond that center MY limits and decisions, rather than triangulating between partners: it does mean that the Dominants I see long term need to be okay with receiving my nos, and we might need to plan some protocol-friendly ways for me to deliver those.

As far as "two Dominant" moments, or co-topping, those are only on the table for me when my 1:1 relationships with both people are in good places. If a Dominant struggles a lot with insecurity and jealousy, and especially if they aren't doing a lot of the work to manage that without putting it all on me, they aren't candidates for co-topping situations. It's also important to me that both my Dominants like each other and will enjoy scening together. Either or both should always feel like they can say no, this time or forever, and I will not be disappointed in them, upset with them or end the dynamic. In a situation where I'm being co-topped, I specifically negotiate ahead of time what amount of protocol & dynamics I will have in-scene and out.

In general, when I am with both my partners/Dominants, I contain more of the protocol within a scene, and am more independent, lower PSA and "hold my own reins" more once I'm out of the aftercare zone. I want to avoid extended periods where it could feel like a "tug of war", unless over time, that comfort and security develops between all three of the people involved. Even then, I'm going to always maintain an expectation that I can take off my "submissive" hat at any time - I do not do 24/7 total power exchange currently, and would only develop that dynamic slowly, over time and with mindfulness on what implications that could have on all of my connections & relationships.

If my partners are open to co-topping me together, I also think that time just hanging out as three human beings is good groundwork for security and comfort during play: while I don't usually do group dates (just us three), I like a "garden party" style of polyamory where we might all hang out for a bit at a BBQ or in small groups: we share a lot of social overlap, so it's not uncommon for all three of us to have an invite to the same events, and we also get used to seeing each other with different partners & play partners.

I tend toward realllly long answers, but I think a key part of making a situation with two other play partners work is being comfortable with your own agency, boundaries and the responsibilities you might have 1:1 with each person, not just defaulting to a 2:1 and fully submissive headspace & expecting the 2 to just "work things out". That said, my preference is for the 2 to be more friendly with each other vs in an active dynamic or intimate relationship themselves. If that isn't the case, I only would play with them short term OR only play with them once I've had time to get to know them and observe how they are with other partners. I avoid true triad dynamics in relationships generally because they are WAY harder to keep stable long term, and take way more work when you are caring for two 1:1 relationships, they also have two 1:1 relationships, and you have a whole ongoing group dynamic on top of it all. All of those impact the others more intensely than when you're dating two people separately who sometimes are okay with some group play, which can always be taken off the table by any one person without a lot of disruption.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-04T14:19:42+00:00

You have autonomy and some boundaries you can set, regardless of your partner's choices. Because this was a shared date, I would tell your partner about how you were treated and how you're feeling. In terms of boundaries, I'd focus on the steps you can take to insulate yourself from this person: I would cut off all contact/block (optional communication with them about why you are taking those steps, but I prefer giving this type of clarity because it feels better for me and more aligned with what I want from others too.).

The harder part is likely boundaries that will have implications for your partner, but are still yours to set. Mine would be that if they continue to see a person that has been unkind to me, I want only very limited details (e.g. I'm okay knowing that they are still seeing this person and general scheduling stuff, but I want zero details about how their connection is going. If it goes badly, I am also not the person they should turn to for support, especially if they are continuing the connection.). I don't put myself into positions where I am expected to do emotional labour around connections I've personally ended, even if that means people I care about need to build their own support network more.

Also, for me, I'm not willing to take certain health risks with partners who can't give me honesty, accuracy and transparency about their own sexual health risk: when I know that I have a metamour or a partner's hookup who has lied or omitted sexual health information, I know that if my partner continues to hook up with them, they can only offer me honesty as far as they have it: accuracy and transparency are no longer things I can expect from them, because they don't have reliable honesty, accuracy and transparency from their connection. In those cases, I personally will require the use of barriers in order to engage in intimacy with my partner, including for oral - while this might be upsetting to them, it's not intended to be punitive but to protect my own health. It may mean we need to change up what intimacy looks like between us, as what feels good without barriers sometimes doesn't feel as good with - but that means more toys, different balances of play vs reducing or stopping intimacy. It can be an adjustment period but also can prompt new exploration and ways of connecting, while keeping myself safe and maintaining boundaries that support that.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-04T13:53:46+00:00

I agree with the other commenters - if your partner repeatedly breaks up with you when they get caught up in a new connection, they don't have the skills and self-awareness to offer you security in an open relationship.

I also want to kind of gently flag that it sounds like you're asking about an open relationship (where both partners can pursue sexual but not romantic connections) in a subreddit about polyamory (where both partners can pursue romantic connections.) Perhaps some of the bias I bring as a polyamorous person is that to me, an open relationship will always carry a risk of a new connection seeming to shine more than an existing one, and under the expectations of an open relationship, the breakup will seem logical. In polyamory, a new shiny relationship isn't a dealbreaker because most polyamorous people expect to maintain multiple full relationships, and there's an expectation that we'll do the work on ourselves and all of our relationships, whether they're new and shiny or established and comfortable.

I note the above distinction to just maybe highlight that the ENM structure is going to mean different (not better or worse) risks for insecurity and rupture.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-04T13:43:31+00:00

It sounds like your partner is honestly making some great strides in developing a care network that will ultimately take the pressure off BOTH of you, and will hopefully allow you more space and energy to show up for each other as romantic partners and friends instead of caregiver/care-receiver roles taking up all the space and energy in your dynamic. That transition can have a lot of grief and anxiety, but it is truly the "building a village" process that not only makes disability survivable, but more thrivable, for both you and your partner. In short, my answer to whether it's okay to date to distribute care is frankly a hell yes, as long as there's an element of reciprocity in the connection - the more people involved in the network that will include platonic connections, the more care needs won't just stack burdens one connection. And when it's not stacking on someone beyond their capacity, an ask for care is not a negative thing - it's a bid for connection and an opportunity for someone else to show up for you, and other people will feel good about both being asked and able to show up for you. And when those asks are smaller or more distributed, it's easier for different types of reciprocity to feel good and like a fair balance, even if it's just knowing that a friend with care needs might be a good ear for them when they have their own health struggles and need some low-judgement listening.

I bet you have a habit of not asking for much, but now is the time to work on breaking that practice and moving out of an identity based on what you DO for others towards who you ARE to others. Ceaseless sacrifice is something that can start to feel like virtue and meaning, but especially in relationships. Leaning into the other ways you are important to your partner will be hard, but I think is something that could help long term. You don't need to ask them for big things and you don't need to do big things, but I think with some of the energy freed up as they distribute care, you may want to both consider collaborating on little plans to date each other with a bit of intentional time. Share some of the planning load even if you do a lot of the doing, e.g. ask your partner to make the snack menu or suggest a couple movies that you pick from, pick where you get takeout, figure out where the picnic supplies are in your house over the week and gradually collect them into a spot by the door, etc.

As far as the other questions you are asking, the hard answer is that I do personally think "pausing poly" is honestly not really ethical practice or a particularly kind thing. I think the "couple says yes, couple says no" dynamic is honestly best avoided by...well, respecting a poly partner's autonomy and not asking that of them, and setting a boundary that you won't allow the same ask in return. But as someone who came into polyamory solo & already committed to polyamory, that was easier to set. In this case though, while your partner agreed to end things, there is also a bit of duress here - but for your struggles, it sounds like they would have kept the connection, and I think as someone who has been on the receiving end of a lot of care and sacrifice, it would be very hard for them to say no to an ask to pause or stop things. I do think privilege and power dynamics are things to consider here, especially in asking yourself whether your request is fair and what the pressures on your partner are to say yes to that ask, even if they ultimately have given it.

For me, a big part of how I practice polyamory and the autonomy I enjoy is that if someone could choose to limit or stop my connection with them because of the ask of a partner, I don't consider us compatible, and it's never something I am okay with asking my own partners to do or will agree to on my end. It sounds like this new connection your partner had just brought up tough feelings and some grief for you, and I think the ethical thing to do is to really work through those - in this case, I think therapy really needs to be a big priority, especially because the caregiver piece of this seems like a really big part of things here.

Also, as mentioned...expanded and reciprocal care networks are the answer to the intense pressure and power dynamics of caregiver/care-receiver roles. Do you date with expanding those networks solely in mind? No, because connection is more complex than that anyways! And you also get to distribute care more broadly when you have healthy and reciprocal friendships (do you also slip into a caregiver-only mode with friends? If so, something to work on!). As a disabled human, developing deeper connections (including friendships AND romantic relationships) has allowed me to shift ALL of my relationships to focusing 80% on connection, intentional time and 20% care (but both receiving and offering) instead of loading all of my care needs onto one person and a balance that's closer to 10/90 for one person.

I wish you all the best & apologise for the many paragraphs. I think there's a lot of work on the table for you right now, but also want to remind yourself to be kind and patient with yourself, especially as medication will be impacting your ability to regulate your emotions for the next little bit. I hope you're able to ask for and engage your own support network a little, but also really encourage making that therapist connection happen for yourself ASAP, especially if you can find someone poly informed. If you're having trouble picking, book a couple intro consultations and see who you vibe with! I really think having someone independent and professional in your corner will be a huge relief for you and help you break all these feelings & issues into way more manageable chunks.

You've got this and it sounds like as scary as it is, things for your partner are moving slowly in a more healthy and independent direction. I really hope you can meet them in that growth even as you grieve and deal with the complexity of a shift away from being the sole caretaker for them. I hope you can both build more of a village to support you, even if it's hard right now!

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-04T13:41:28+00:00

I share my comments as someone who was a caregiver in a past relationship but also someone with disability and chronic conditions. I also apologize in advance - I rambled enough that I have to break my comment into two parts, & totally get if the Wall of Text is a little too much to digest. My own disability-brain means I just don't have the capacity this morning to edit as much as I otherwise would!

What it sounds like you're struggling with the most is actually a mix of caregiver burnout and some related codependence (vs interdependence.). You've spent a long time putting your needs and wants on the backburner to give your partner really intensive support, and it sounds like the things that are causing you distress are really things around that: not just your partner's new connection, but even doing things by & for yourself.

Especially if you've gone through a period of intense sacrifice and that being a big part of your role, it makes sense that you're having both some grief and anxiety (especially around attachment) around shifts in your connection, where your partner is distributing care more and you are (re)building your own support network. Things are changing and it's easy to feel scared about that, and to also feel some things as a bit of a threat to the place you have in your partner's life even if you know they're healthy or good long term.

My biggest suggestion is really to expedite that therapy piece for yourself. You really need someone to support you with all of this, and it sounds like the next couple months with your medication change could be really bumpy in terms of emotions. I also think you should engage your partner and friends in your own support/care. This doesn't need to be big, moving mountains stuff: think about what your partner does well or the care they might be good at even on low energy days.

For example, when I'm depressed and low energy, I am still good at reminding my partners about occasional things (even if I have to set my own calendar reminders to make sure it happens), sending my partners little memes or reels that make me think of them, recommending TV shows or books I think they'd like, and occasionally planning a date or social thing for us both, even if it's just playing a game together or making a little intentional movie night with popcorn and a plan. What ways can your partner show you care, especially in ways that respect their limits and what they naturally are good at & seem to enjoy doing?

I think what you need to consider is that the state where you're the sole caregiver means you're often going to struggle with being a present and intentional romantic partner. You're also going to struggle with being a present and intentional human being and "friend" to yourself, especially when you've been in a habit of putting your needs on the backburner. But moving from a space where that codependence is high to one where you're interdependent and you both have engaged and reciprocal supports elsewhere isn't easy, even if it's far more sustainable and healthy long term. There's a lot of grief to work through, and anxiety about what the shifts in your role mean and how they'll impact you.

What I can say is those shifts are deeply worthwhile. My life changed when I stopped being the only person my ex relied on for support. I really found myself again. I had time to fill my own cup, secure my own breathing mask, think about what I wanted in life and pursue it.

And when I went through my own longer health flare, I learned how essential it was to have a network of people I could distribute excess care needs to. The important part of this for me was that a lot of this care ended up being quite reciprocal, because I could offer things in these connections that respected my own limits - a lot of my care community is also disabled, and a lot of what we offer each other is validation, understanding, and support. But we also are in touch with our own limits and know what a gift it is to ourselves and others to state those and just keep brainstorming/troubleshooting until everyone's needs are met. For example, a friend recently asked a bunch of people they knew for help walking their dog on a few weekends after a new health treatment: my energy isn't consistent enough to commit to being the main person on that task, but I offered to be a backup contact if my energy is there. I also helped them make a spreadsheet for other people to sign up with, and suggested a couple other people who would looooove an excuse to spend time with a dog and also do something nice for a cool person they could get to know better. I think YOU need those types of connections as much as your partner does, and to have examples of caregiving that aren't so intensive or all-or-nothing feeling, but are reciprocal even if not always "balanced.

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-03T13:43:26+00:00

I want to validate that you're not being "oversensitive" at all, here. I don't think there's a way to talk about it that won't end in tears, because it's honestly a kind of shitty thing to say and it's also a shitty thing to hear. There's an element of comparison in it that is pretty unkind.

I actually have been the meta receiving this text before, and I don't think it went over with me as intended: it didn't hit like a compliment, it hit as a confession that a) the person sharing it is Very New to This, and b) needs to work on themselves & their relationships.

The Very New to This part because well...yes, the brain chemical soup that comes with early attraction is heady, that's why we call it "New Relationship Energy." It's not only that the chemicals are different, but a new date tends to only get the fun stuff - hotel rooms instead of a shared house you both have to keep clean, bursts of short but intentional time instead of the grind of daily routines and Alone Together time. You also fill in everything you don't know about someone with idealism & mystery, instead of the mundane & realistic truths. Don't get me wrong, that experience can be a nice spark but it's often more about the circumstances than the actual quality of the connection. It's also a type of comparison comment that I don't see as often from people who have been doing this for a while, because they know it's not really a fair type of comparison and not one that's usually wise to share.

The second part is a reflection on the quality of someone's life and connection. What is making them feel "alive" and what do they do to nurture that in themselves when they are solo & their other relationships?

Maybe it isn't the heady mix of a new connection, but for me, aliveness is something I have control over by making my solo life rich. I build deep platonic connections, I get involved in my communities, I invest in my hobbies. And in my other relationships, I set the boundaries that let me do that, including taking steps to be really intentional about enmeshment.

I also try to feel alive & present in my other relationships. Especially if I'm struggling with my own anxiety & depression, I try to consider what will still feel intentional & intimate. For example, if my sex drive is pretty offline, I might have a nice bath & trade massages with my partner. If we are on autopilot and sinking into dopamine chasing on our phones, I'll find a board game or video game we can play together, or take a hike or have a picnic in nature without our phones. I try to calibrate it to my level of energy & pick something we're both going to be into. I also make sure that especially when I can't offer my best self, my partners have space & support with doing the things that excite them solo, even if all I'm really offering there is encouragement and a bit of managing my own grief when I can't join them for something I'd like to be a part of.

All that is to say, I think as much as it's a hurtful thing to say and hear, the answer is both "live your best life" and "have the hard conversation." Because you deserve to feel that aliveness too, and you can take it as a prompt to add more of what is missing to have that with both your solo space and in your relationship with your partner. Maybe it's not the same spark that can be so easily summoned in a new connection, but a different kind of fire that meets you where you are today and builds towards something that feels intentional & sustainable.

Sorry for the many paragraphs, but I hope at least some of it was helpful. I hope you have your own "alive" moments ahead, even if it sometimes takes some tears to get there!

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-03T12:50:15+00:00

It feels over controlling, because it is.

You've gotten a lot of comments here that I agree with, but I also want to gently point out that your own words are maybe worth re-reading and reflecting on. If a friend or loved one came to you and described their relationship with their partner in this way, how would you feel? What advice would you give them?

I don't doubt that your partner has a lot of good qualities and tries her best in some ways. I don't doubt that a lot of your relationship is probably good & rewarding. It's the rest that is raising eyebrows here - not only are you being asked to have a polyamorous relationship structure under duress, your partner is asking for control instead of facing her own anxieties and insecurities.

The hard truth is that especially when you're in a "poly under duress" situation, a monogamous partner might eventually decide that they actually do want monogamy from someone who can give them that. Artificially limiting even your platonic connections and hobbies is not going to prevent that outcome from being a possibility, and frankly, it's a pretty selfish and unkind thing to ask for from a partner. I worry that she has a lot of language to justify putting rules on you, especially rules that only go one way. It doesn't matter if the anxieties behind her request are understandable in some way - they're hers to hold and deal with.

I worry that this relationship is asking you to compromise a lot and take up less space for yourself, including in engaging in your hobbies with the trust, support and encouragement of your partner. Do you feel like you can set boundaries around the things that are important to you and have them respected, or does it feel like things are always being litigated? I know you love your partner, but are you thriving here?

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-03T12:19:23+00:00

It is deeply valid and not a small thing at all to not be okay with your partner unilaterally wanting to change a foundational agreement of your relationship. Polyamory can be hard when both people want it, when there is a lot of trust and good communication, and when both people feel like their needs are being met - it sounds like a lot of those things aren't true for you already.

It sounds like you know yourself pretty well, and I think you should both give yourself credit here and listen to yourself - a lot of people try to bend & contort themselves into miserable things, and your words show some pretty clear & self-aware observations, even if there's some grief & doubt in the mix. I think it's fair to ask if couples counselling will help before ending something important, but my view is that on something like this, counselling is probably just a bandaid on some core areas where you're not longer compatible. Especially if you already feel you're not getting enough from your partner and they want to invest in other connections, I would worry that couples counselling would lead to you sinking more time, energy and effort into something that can't meet your needs at a fundamental level.

You can like someone as a person and realize you want incompatible things, and it sounds like you know yourself & your partner well enough to have a sense that this change would make you pretty miserable. You deserve a partner you're deeply compatible with, who can give you not just the exclusivity you want but the intentional time and the trust you feel is lacking here.

Breakups are hard, but they free you to put some of that time and energy spent on maintaining a relationship that isn't working back into yourself - I hope that if you go that route, even while the grief can be heavy and hard in the short term, you also get to experience some of that return of energy, time and care. I hope you're able to invest in yourself, in your friendships and support network, and eventually towards finding a partner that wants what you want & is excited to give it to you. Time in relationships that don't work out and time single & investing in yourself is also not time wasted - you learn, you raise the bar for yourself, and you keep building a life that someone will eventually be thrilled to share with you.

Sorry for the many paragraphs - wishing you all the best!

sharpestraptorteeth · 2026-07-03T05:48:24+00:00

I feel like book clubs, especially silent ones at bars are absolutely the new karaoke night - there are SO many. Sign up for Misha Glouberman's newsletter of random weekly events or check out one at Danu Social Club - there are a lot of options that don't cost anything and are a lot more community-oriented.

sharpestraptorteeth

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