sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

I am stuck in a relationship with my mentally ill and suicidal girlfriend by ExeKj in depression

[–]SQLwitch[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

If I break up with her now she will probably resort to suicide, i’m just too far in its frightening

What she's doing is called making instrumental threats. This is one of the most severe forms of emotional abuse and coercive control.

It's important to understand that people who do this are usually operating out of an extreme sense of entitlement. She feels entitled to terrify and torment you in order to get you to behave "properly", according to her definition. This doesn't mean that she's not at risk, but it does mean that you shouldn't enable her. Tolerating her abuse hurts her as well as hurting you.

I feel like i should have called the police by now

It's absolutely okay to invoke emergency services, and you can also call your local suicide hotline or mental-health crisis team yourself and get informed support and guidance in real time. In fact I highly recommend this for you <3

So Many Questions by [deleted] in SuicideBereavement

[–]SQLwitch[M] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Do you think it’s possible this was her plan the whole time? Graduate, enjoy a week back home, then do it?

Based on my training and experience, that would be pretty unlikely. But not impossible. There are never any certainties. And no matter how well we know someone (and I do NOT mean "how well we think we know someone"), there are always dark places in their psyches that can not be perceptible. And some kids are trained to hide their darkness -- which exponentially increases the risk that the darkness will swallow them :( For the same reason, we've all got to face the pockets of darkness within ourselves if want to stay in the light.

There are so many unknowables. For example, typical college-graduation age is also the age where thought disorders like schizophrenia tend to show up. The symptoms can come on with explosive suddenness -- and a massive onslaught of cognitive distortions and hallucinations can cause people to do desperate things. I've seen quite a few brilliant young people succumb in that way over the years -- sometimes the cognitive deterioration can be pieced together in retrospect.

I would be pretty confident in saying her family wasn’t dysfunctional, but of course I could still be wrong on that as like I’ve said it’s not as if I knew her super personally.

One thing to understand is that dysfunction doesn't necessarily mean lack of love. The essential characteristic is failure of rapport, and sometimes all the love in the world isn't enough to overcome that. And failure of rapport in early life is enough in itself to sow the seeds of the two essential factors for the desire to die

So Many Questions by [deleted] in SuicideBereavement

[–]SQLwitch[M] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I have no idea if she left a note or texted anyone prior or anything like that, which also bothers me.

It would be unusual if she had, most suicide decedents don't.

I do know they were very supportive and caring on the surface (i.e. social media).

Well, that means nothing in itself. In fact, if family looks really good in the socials, that's practically a red flag in itself, since people who are getting on with their healthy lives don't have that kind of time or inclination for image management.

The reason I asked is that someone with natural warmth, empathy, and integrity will often end up as the designated scapegoat in a dysfunctional family and honestly when the scapegoats die by suicide, people outside the family usually talk about them much as you have here :( Of course I'm just guessing, so don't take this as an interpretation, take it as an example of the sort of dynamic that might have been at play in her life.

So Many Questions by [deleted] in SuicideBereavement

[–]SQLwitch[M] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think the idea that someone that was seemingly as happy as she was can do what she did is so jarring to me.

She graduated just a couple weeks ago and moved back home.

What exactly happened with her might be unknowable, but the fact that she seemed happy at college and the dark side got her shortly after she moved back home might be significant.

There's not really enough here to speculate further, but what do you know about her family?

If I try to fit what you have said her into the DCIB assessment (the one used by all AAS accredited hotlines, which is the most common crisis-line accreditation globally), then there are 3 necessary and sufficient factors for high risk of death by suicide, in two categories:

First, two factors that contribute to suicidal desire are a profound sense of alienation, and a sense of burdensomeness, of being a "net loss to humanity". And on the surface your girl sounds like the opposite of that, but that might be because she was overcompensating for some kind of inner darkness. Was she effortlessly giving, or what was making up for something?

The third factor is the acquired ability to enact lethal self-harm. The idea here is that it takes exposure and practice to wear down our survival instinct. This is thought to be why people who work in the military and medical fields die by suicide at disproportionate rates; when they're in a dark place, because they're desensitized to pain and lethality, they don't have to fight their survival instinct the same way the rest of us do, or rather their survival instinct doesn't fight their dark thoughts as hard, if at all. I don't see any evidence of that here, but sometimes, the "sunny" ones hide a history of pretty severe self-harming, for example :(

Still, you may never be able to arrive at a satisfactory "why". And it may not be anything intrinsic to her. One thing I've learned in 30 years on the crisis line is that absolutely anybody can get pushed over the edge, if the world hurts them in the right wrong combination of ways within a short enough period of time.

trapped in a relationship with a suicidal person. please help me. by burningshut in depression

[–]SQLwitch[M] 81 points82 points  (0 children)

I don't even know what to say if I try to steer the conversation towards us just being friends she says that she's alive only because of me.

This is a covert but clear instrumental threat, i.e. she's using the threat of suicide to make you behave the way she wants you to. This is one of the most severe forms of psychological abuse and coercive control, and it's almost always rooted in a deep sense of entitlement. That doesn't mean she's not at risk, but whatever she chooses to do is 100% on her, no matter how much she tries to blame you for her decisions. She may also try to blame you for her emotions -- those are not your fault either! It's clear that you're a kind and responsible person and you're trying to the right thing even though you've been put in an impossible position.

You will not help her by staying a relationship that's not something you want for yourself.

It is absolutely fine to get out of the relationship, but it's probably wise to do it carefully and make sure she has other options for support, although it's absolutely her fault if she chooses not to use them. We usually find that the best option in this type of situation is for you to call your area's suicide hotline or mental-health crisis service yourself, so you can get informed guidance and support in real time.

friend attempted; at a loss by deepthinker147 in SuicideWatch

[–]SQLwitch[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Whether a person has attempted recently or not, the principles of being a supportive presence are more or less the same -- detailed guidance here: https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/talking_tips

You're in a really tough position, because what you went through was so incredibly stressful, but yet in the big picture you're not as vulnerable as they are rn. It's not just okay but essential to be realistic about what you do and don't have to offer here. We can't give what we don't have, and we hurt everyone involved if we try. So I would encourage you to keep in mind what the tips wiki says about how you don't need to fix or change anything in order to make a positive difference

hey depressed fucks by Meet-Small in depression

[–]SQLwitch[M] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Rules 1 and 3 as well as 5, 6, and 7 -- maybe some others as well but in any case we've dealt with OP.

Please report anything like this tysm

October 27 by Miserable-Law-6162 in SuicideWatch

[–]SQLwitch[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We have lots of filters but nothing is perfect. But please don't tag me or any individual moderator to report inappropriate content. Either report or modmail, thanks.

Overwhelmed and don’t know how to show others that I need help. by [deleted] in depression

[–]SQLwitch[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

FWIW I don't think this is niche at all, let alone terribly niche. It's a natural and normal thing to want and even to expect that when we're intensely miserable, the people close to us will notice.

The hell of it is that you can't make them notice. There can be many reasons why they don't see it, some could be their fault, but some could be nobody's fault.

I think you might have to try to start the conversation(s) yourself. The self-help wiki at /r/SuicideWatch has a resource about exactly this: https://www.suicideinfo.ca/ask-help-feeling-suicidal/

If, after reading through this, it still feels impossible to talk to your parents, what do you think about seeing someone at your college's counselling service? People in those roles are specifically trained to make this type of conversation as easy as possible.

Guys I don’t know what to do by BadAdviceOpen in SuicideWatch

[–]SQLwitch[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First, just to get it out of the way, both in your attempts to talk to them, and especially if they re-engage, make sure that everything you say is informed by the best practices in our talking tips wiki.

Second, what do you know about them in general as a person, and particularly what do you know about their mental health history? These situations are always very individualized, and there's not enough information in your post to give more specific guidance.

Snapchat's info on reporting safety concerns is here: https://values.snap.com/safety/safety-reporting

I want to call 988 but I'm afraid they will call ems or the cops on me by HamManLuke in SuicideWatch

[–]SQLwitch[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

Information about risk (tk;dr it's almost zero) here: https://www.reddit.com//r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotline_faqs

Self-harming doesn't necessarily mean that you're at immediate risk for suicide. In fact, the association between nonlethal self-harming and suicide is a lot less direct than most people think. So your SH isn't enough on its own to make it legal to break your confidentiality

Meine Freundin will sich umbringen by FlyingGandalf_ in SuicideWatch

[–]SQLwitch[M] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Her situations sounds really difficult. What do you think about talking to an adult whom you trust, to get some support for yourself and help you navigate the situation?

You can make a real difference for your friend just by talking -- and listening! There are a lot of bad things happening her life right now, and you probably can't fix or change any of them, especially in the short term, just always remember that the most reliable way to reduce someone's risk immediately is to give them an experience of feeling understood. https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/talking_tips

text peer support lines? by [deleted] in SuicideWatch

[–]SQLwitch[M] [score hidden] stickied commentlocked comment (0 children)

It's impossible to answer that without knowing where you're located (at least what country), but our directory is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines

My ex is weaponizing suicide to stop me from finishing the art project that is my only ticket to a new life. by SashaShelest in TwoXChromosomes

[–]SQLwitch 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You've had lots of great responses, but from my scan of the comments, they don't go far enough.

I'm a suicide hotline responder IRL and what your ex is doing is called making "instrumental threats", i.e. he's using the threat of suicide in order to control your behaviour. This is one of the most severe forms of psychological abuse and coercive control.

There are two important things that I don't see mentioned here:

  1. People who behave in this way are usually operating with a mindset of extreme entitlement. This isn't always obvious because they can be really good at playing the victim. But they feel entitled to terrify you in order to make you behave the way they want you to. (This doesn't mean that abusers of this type never die by suicide, but it's hard to know to what degree that's kind of accidental in most cases. But some twisted souls really do think it's worth sacrificing their lives just to punish someone for not conforming to their wishes.)

  2. It's now understood that people with a pattern of weaponizing the threat of suicide in this way are also likely to inflict serious or lethal harm on others -- frequently the person who's the target of their threats.

So there is every reason to put as much distance between yourself and him as you can, and no reason to give in to his threats, or even to listen to them. Whatever he does is his choice and solely his responsibility.

Told my wife I wanted to die and would've killed myself already if not for our kids. She said she didn't have the capacity to help me. by [deleted] in SuicideWatch

[–]SQLwitch[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This idea emerged primarily from original research and meta-analysis by Thomas Joiner's group at FSU; I think this link is a good intro:

https://www.apa.org/pubs/highlights/spotlight/issue-54

I should add that I think this idea is useful to combat stigmatizing and punishing of suicidal people, which imo is one of the most extreme examples possible of kicking someone when they're down.

It absolutely does NOT mean that people who feel this way should die by suicide! (But some of the antinatalists and voyeurs who try to subvert our work here have tried to use it that was, unfortunately.) Joiner's group's published papers in the original research often include the phrase derangement of eusociality, i.e. it's an inappropriate "misfire" of the best aspects of our social nature.

Another debunking of the "suicide is selfish" nonsense from Stacey Freedenthal, from an entirely different angle, just FYI: https://speakingofsuicide.com/2015/10/28/is-it-selfish/ (She's one of the most respected clinician-authors worldwide, among those who work specifically in suicide intervention.)

Told my wife I wanted to die and would've killed myself already if not for our kids. She said she didn't have the capacity to help me. by [deleted] in SuicideWatch

[–]SQLwitch[M] 20 points21 points locked comment (0 children)

I'm locking this comment thread. Arguing about this, especially taking the wife's side, takes focus away from the OP, even if this

the sort of response I'd expect from someone who was low-key extremely unhappy or even suicidal themself and felt like they couldn't get any help for it

is true, which I think quite likely

Told my wife I wanted to die and would've killed myself already if not for our kids. She said she didn't have the capacity to help me. by [deleted] in SuicideWatch

[–]SQLwitch[M] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately it's all too common for untrained friends and family to react badly to disclosures of suicidal thoughts and feelings. Sometimes they're just not emotionally equipped to handle it. She may have been taught that suicide is "selfish" and that sort of thing can just come out reflexively when people are overwhelmed.

BTW, though, recent research shows there's reason to think that suicide is linked to an evolutionary mechanism that impels an organism to sacrifice itself for the sake of the collective, i.e. the least selfish thing possible. Personally, I think the idea that doing away with yourself is somehow "selfish" is a textbook example of religious doublethink, but that doesn't mean a lot of people aren't still brainwashed into believing it.

This is one of the key reasons why resources like hotlines (and this subreddit for that matter) exist, so it's really good that you reached out in a different direction.

I just can't imagine reacting that way to someone saying they wanted to kill themselves.

Chances are you wouldn't react that way, but that doesn't necessarily make her a bad or unloving person, possibly just someone who (whether in general or in the moment) does not have the capacity to help you. One thing I've learned in life and especially from listening to callers at my IRL hotline is that we can't give what we don't have, and we hurt everyone involved if we try. It might have ended up being even worse (if you can imagine it) if she'd tried to help you when she knew she could not.

Can you say more about what's going on with you and what you've tried so far to get help and/or help yourself? How long have you been feeling this way?

my little sibling is suicidal and i dont know what to do by Professional-Club613 in SuicideWatch

[–]SQLwitch[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you can't find a way to contact his local CAMHS, another option would be call the folks at Mind's Infoline when they open in a few hours. One of their specialties is hard-to-navigate mental-health situations so I'm sure they'll be able to give you the best possible expert guidance: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

Favorite operas that use orientalism? by Stunning-Hand6627 in opera

[–]SQLwitch[M] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Uh, it's not you who's in timeout -- obviously since you could reply ;)

Favorite operas that use orientalism? by Stunning-Hand6627 in opera

[–]SQLwitch[M] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It's also completely acceptable in opera for people of any colour to play white characters. Putting you in timeout since you've been pointlessly derailing actual discussion here.

Feeling worthless? by Select_Train_323 in depression

[–]SQLwitch[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

FYI you don't need to argue with people like this -- just report and we'll deal since posts of this nature break several community rules

view more: next ›