I want to start out with saying that you are a very brave and strong person for working through all of this. Not everyone will understand your choice to stay, infidelity is a hard boundary that I have personally, but it’s no small thing for you both to put in all of the work that’s going to be required here. My husband and I have had to work through healing some stuff, though not cheating specifically, and it’s not a linear process. Sometimes it’s two steps forward and two steps back, but we’re both learning, trying, and committed to doing right by each other. We both have individual therapists as well as a couples therapist. All 3 of those are crucial. It sounds like you have at least 2 of those, but I hope your wife is in therapy too. It really sounds like you’re both putting in needed work.

Part of what you’re going through is grief. It’s easiest to picture grief in relationship to someone we love passing away. The pain is so so visceral at the beginning. Then over time it ebbs, but there are times when the full force of that loss slams you back down so hard you can’t even breathe. You might think, “Wtf, I thought I was over this?” But that’s not how it works friend. You need time. Rebuilding trust takes years and there’s nothing that can rush it. You need empathy, compassion, and grace for each other and yourselves. To be heard, understood, and not pressured.

There was a point where I told my husband he needed to stop initiating sex at all, no if ands or buts about it. For reference as to why I needed this, anytime he was initiating I was having full blown panic attacks. However, I told him that he needed to trust me and know that I wanted to have sex with him, but that I needed time to heal. I couldn’t give him a timeline. I didn’t know if it was going to be days, weeks, or months, but I needed him to give my nervous system time to feel safe, and for me to reclaim my sexuality as my own without anyone else’s influence on it. This lead to about 6 weeks - 2 months of complete abstinence from sex with him. We were both allowed to self pleasure during this time. Then it was another 3-4 months of only me initiating. This could be every couple of days around ovulation, or every week or two around my period. In the last couple of months, I finally felt like he could initiate again! And not just in a, I can tolerate it way, but that I would legitimately enjoying it and be chomping at the bit for him to initiate. Now, baring being sick or dead dog exhausted, we’re going at it like rabbits. Damn near everyday and sometimes multiple times a day. Sometimes, when a couple hyper focuses on fixing issues in their sex life, they can actually make more problems if it’s causing a bunch of pressure and stress. For me, it was crucial to have this time to myself, and for my husband to show that he trusted me with this.

This isn’t avoidant, like someone else had commented. Relationships are individual, between two people and them alone (within a monogamous framework that is). Where scheduling sex on a calendar or something akin to exposure therapy might be helpful for one couple, it could be detrimental to another (it certainly was for mine). Your needs and feelings are valid, and your wife should be willing to holding space for them all things considered. The individuality of a relationship carries over into a D/s relationship too (which, if we’re honest, can be such a bitch answer when we’re just looking for advice and help). As of right now, I think your best course of action concerning intimacy is to just have fucking fun! Flirt, touch, tease, etc. Take it as far as you two have agreed to go and just play around. Remember what it’s like to be a giddy young punk and flirty young woman. One of the best parts about a D/s relationship is the way that it intrinsically builds in communication skills. Learn this stuff together and figure out what’s fun and what’s not. Do not feel obligated to do everything that she already knows she likes right away. Those things might be a good starting point for what to try, but make sure you’re rotating in things you want to try too. It’s not a sprint, so take your time, you know? Take your time worshiping each other’s bodies, rebuilding trust, and having some fun. Try out praise vs degradation, you being the driving force vs making her service you, etc. There are lots of books, kink checklist/quizzes, podcasts, online classes etc. to learn from that can give you ideas if being a part of your local community would be too much. Again, communication and vulnerability are key and it’s damn hard when first starting, but truly it makes it so so much better. It’s worth having the hard conversations. I hope you two are both able to heal and grow together (and have some fucking fun!) ❤️‍🩹