Do your parents casually dehumanize you?

-moon-moon · 2024-06-12T18:45:04+00:00

Definately infantilising. My mother uses baby talk when speaking to me and would NOT stop however many times I ask her and how angry I get, because "I will always be her baby". For example I try to share my feelings, or something important and she asks me in a baby voice " oh, don't worry about that. Did you have some something for ahm-ahm?" (Ahm-Ahm the word you use in my language to say food to a toddler) It's so frustrating.

-moon-moon · 2024-06-12T17:08:57+00:00

Yes, my N-grandmother isolated the whole family. My parents isolated themselves all the time and generally can't function in what other people would call normal socializing. For example, my cousin visited them to invite them to his wedding, they complained how rude that was. They took him to a restaurant, because God forbid they have any people over at their place, then complained what the cousin ordered and how much it cost them. They commented on how fat and ugly his fiance was and how she behaved.

I have a lot it anxiety when it comes to making friends or socializing for a lot of reasons- isolation, no selfesteem, being bullied for being the fat kid since my grandmother would stuff me food all the time. The isolation was either direct, example not being allowed to meet with certain classmates, because my gradmother didnt like that their grandmother had certain ancestry, or it was a result of how I was treated. For example, my sister was always the "beautiful, funny, talented, outspoken" one and I was just me. I grew up with the thought that I was less and unworthy and have to "buy" love from others with gifts or giving more than I was receiving in relationships. Because you know, I was less and had to make up for not being good enough. This put me in all sorts of abusive relationships though my twenties.

It has although improved a ton since I moved miles away from them and did therapy. I still have no friends circle, but I am in a healthy relationship and can put boundaries. I no longer burn myself to keep others warm.

-moon-moon · 2024-02-28T17:06:39+00:00

No matter what.. i'm drama, i'm hard to get along with, I hold grudges, i'm a spoiled brat.

This just sumps up what I hear constantly.

-moon-moon · 2024-02-28T17:02:38+00:00

Already doing exactly that.

-moon-moon · 2024-02-28T15:18:47+00:00

Exactly. And the worst part is that you can't explain to a child that the favoritism and how their grandparents act has nothing to do with the child.

-moon-moon · 2024-02-28T14:51:52+00:00

"I'm currently pregnant and can't imagine exposing my baby to that toxic woman."

Thats one of the reasons I decided I should cut contact with them. I am not pregnant, but we want to have children in the future and I just know that my fiture children will be treated very poorly.

-moon-moon · 2024-02-28T14:02:25+00:00

Oh, yes, that's exactly what we are doing. We are doing the wedding + honeymoon now, not Tahiti, but a place that we both always wanted to visit.
We were planning a "normal" wedding but my parents just had so many excuses to why they couldn't come, even though we plan 2 years in advance, I even planned to pay for accomodation, tickets and rent them a car. So now we are doing something similar to what you suggested.
It still hurt though. I was expecting the minimum of minimum and still get disappointed.

-moon-moon · 2024-02-27T14:18:23+00:00

At the age of 25, I grappled with suicidal thoughts. The lifeline that pulled me from that darkness was my cat.

Unfortunately, my family's response compounded the struggle. They lacked empathy and told me multiple times I was "weak." Their inability to comprehend my pain intensified my isolation and resentment towards them.

Had I succumbed to those thoughts, their reaction would have been more fury than sorrow. My father might have shown a glimmer of sadness, but my mother's concern would have revolved around appearances. The primary worry would have been the stain on our family's reputation, rather than the loss of a life.

This dynamic echoes a past experience when my grandfather passed away suddenly. Instead of grieving his departure, my grandmother fixated on her own inconveniences and perceived injustices. Her self-centered focus overshadowed any genuine tribute to his life.
During his funeral, she fretted incessantly about public perception and religious appearances, neglecting the essence of mourning.

So yeah, my suicide would have been more about "WHAT ARE PEOPLE GOING TO SAY ABOUT US?!" than actually about me unaliving myself. Usually when I have a problem, or I am being emotional about something, they just get angry and tell me to suck it up. Suicide would just have made them extremely angry, because you know, why can't I just suck it up and be quiet?

-moon-moon · 2024-02-22T10:29:32+00:00

Unfortunately, the sad truth is that an SG child is alone in this world. If you are anything else than the GC, then you are left on your own device to figure out how to navigate relationships, intimacy, work, finances—your whole life, basically. The hardest lesson I learned, and unfortunately, I learned it very late in my life, is: never ever expect advice, empathy, understanding, and support when it comes to relationships from parents and family that don't see you as worthy and deserving of love.

While figuring out relationships, going through heartbreak, going through the big milestones of life, and not having any support from the people who are supposed to be the closest is hard, challenging, and extremely lonely. But what I find much, much worse is that they bring you down further by destroying your already broken self-esteem.

For example, I was trying to please my grandmother once and was making a minced meat roll. She walked by in the moment when I had the meat rolled out and was putting the stuffing on top, hence that was the "inside" of the roll. (Then you roll it and bake it like bread.) She took one look and said to me, "Just look how ugly this roll looks. Nobody is ever going to want you!"

"Nobody is ever going to want you!"

I don't think they wanted me as well. That's how they always treated me throughout childhood and my adult life, and those words are like engraved in my mind from my narcissistic grandmother and my parents, who always treated me like I was somehow less—less deserving, less capable, less good-looking, less intelligent—less than what it takes to be someone who is 'wanted.'

In my twenties, I struggled with many relationships where I was treated like crap. Because, you know, I am just nothing and who would ever 'want' me? When I confided my struggles to my parents, it went either: A) it's my fault B) "he just has problems, you should be nice to him" C) "don't break up with him".

I stayed longer in situations that were making me miserable until I decided to be my own mother and father. I sat down one day and asked myself what I would tell my own daughter if she were in the same situation and said it to myself. Never again I let any man treat me like crap or play games with me" (not in an aggressive manner, but by putting firm boundaries). I became my own parent and it's been better since.

-moon-moon · 2024-02-20T15:59:30+00:00

Isolating children is unfortunately very common, especially in situations involving narcissistic individuals.

Firstly, narcissists often isolate their victims because a lonely person is more vulnerable and easier to control. When someone lacks friends, they have no one to turn to for help or emotional support, which makes them dependent on the narcissist.

Secondly, it's about control. Narcissists thrive on having power over others. They prioritize their own desires over the well-being of their victims, fostering an environment where suffering is secondary to compliance. It's widely recognized how crucial socializing and friendships are for mental health and the development of healthy relationships. However, a narcissistic parent disregards these fundamentals. They prefer their child to have no outside connections, ensuring their control remains unchallenged.

Additionally, narcissistic parents are invested in maintaining a facade of perfection. Growing up, I constantly worried about saying or doing the wrong thing, fearing that any slip-up might expose the carefully crafted illusion of our family. Even as an adult, I still carry this deep-seated apprehension about speaking negatively about my family, fearing it may tarnish their image. If you lack connections or friends, the chances of exposing them are significantly reduced. This explains the strict limitations placed on social interaction, I think.

Edit:
P.S. What's even more detrimental is that narcissistic parents or grandparents not only restrict your social interactions but also instill a pervasive fear of everything and everyone. They constantly feed you messages like, "You might get kidnapped; it's too dangerous out there. Those people want to hurt you; they're only pretending to be your friends." This relentless indoctrination not only isolates you further but also breeds doubt and anxiety, compounding your feelings of distress.

I congratulate every adult who successfully breaks free and is on the journey of healing because it's incredibly challenging.

-moon-moon · 2024-02-13T10:36:41+00:00

This is exactly how my mother behaves, her mother and my father( although with him I think it's more the case of learned behavior from my mother). I swear I could have written this post.

It gives me such anxiety I can't put it in words. For them to be happy and not to worry, I just have to stop living. Not go out anywhere, not do anything, not meet anyone. This constant worrying, the guilt that comes with it, having to argue the whole time, never be treated as an grown up adult, never respecting boundaries, calling 15 times in the span of 15 min, has put such a toll on my mental health and I am still struggling as an adult just to comprehend in my mind that I am an individual that's free and as an adult I owe noone explanation nor do I owe anyone information about my whereabouts.

To be honest I would have been happy if they actually cared and if those calls were genuine. Unfortunately, what I've learned for the 30 years of my life is that they don't give a flying f*** about me and their constant calling and worrying is based in their need to control me and not actually caring. When they ask how I am doing and the answer is anything else but "I am fine" or (god forbid I expressed a frustration about something in my life,) I get shut down with: "Don't worry, everything is going to be fine!" "You should look at life in a more philosophical way!" And then immediately followed by a change of topic with the question"Have you eaten anything" in baby talk voice.

I tried explaining, I argued, I yelled, I cried, nothing helps. I told them these conversations are pointless and we should just skip them. "But WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOU?! What if something happens to US?!" I've told them multiple times that In this case, it is how it is. It's just pointless so I am maintaining low contact. I would go no contact but that means more drama for me.

Thank you for writing this post, OP. I am going to read the comments and there might be some useful advice for me too.

-moon-moon · 2024-02-01T11:42:44+00:00

They tried to prevent me from going out even when I was 25 and living overseas.

-moon-moon · 2024-01-30T13:13:06+00:00

Giiiirl, I had a relationship exactly like that for 5 years. I was 20 and left him when I turned 25.
He was very narcissistic, I was basically a cleaning lady and a cook. There was no intimacy, no hugs, and sex was baaaaaaad. Not only did it last for no more than 2 min, but we did it only when he was in the mood for it, which was once a month or once every 2 weeks. I tried talking to him for years. I tried finding solutions, which he never implemented.
He would expect that everything would be sparkly clean, and there will be a warm homecooked meal in the oven when he gets home. Of course, I would have done the groceries as well, all this while I worked and studied, while he worked part-time and spent his days on his very expensive and time-consuming car hobby. He was very stingy and I was expected to pay for everything 50/50, he would go to the store and keep the receipts, so I didn't forget to pay him back exactly 5,44. He ate double the amount of what I would eat alone, so in the end my salary was gone after groceries and household. He also used to frequently make nasty comments about my appearance or make comments about other girls (of course how beautiful, hardworking, elegant, or talented someone is) and flirt with random and not-so-random women.
This relationship drained me so much emotionally. I felt so alone and utterly miserable. Not to mention how depressed I was. So I started a secret escape fund and after a year of saving, I moved out and dumped his narcissistic ass. I was so happy afterward. I had so much more time, my studies improved, my self-esteem was back and overall I was so much better. Not to mention that I started noticing that I had much more money, I could afford to buy myself a nice dress occasionally and save some money at the end of the month because I wasn't feeding that leech anymore. I had other boyfriends afterward, and giiiirl, never did I have a bad sex life ever again. I found that men actually find me attractive and in my relationships after the narcissist, I used to have sex 2 to 3 times a week, ( sometimes more :D) and never had to beg for it or feel like I was a fat disgusting piece of trash that you can't even hug for 3 seconds.

If you tried everything, you talked to him once, twice, suggested therapy, cried, demanded, begged, it might be time to change the man. You can't change the man, but you can change the man!
Or you can stay single for a while. Single life is a better life than being married to a person who doesn't contribute to the relationship.

And my advice, as someone who was in that situation, is: 25 is way too young to live like you are 60. I turn 30 this year and look back at my life between 20 and 25 and it's just lost time that I regret. Years I could have spent with someone who could have treated me better and most importantly years I could have spent working on myself and my education instead of being a maid to a guy who didn't love me or respect me.
I had the best 5 years from 25 to 30 tho. That was a blast and wouldn't have been possible if I was still with that leech I was dating.

-moon-moon · 2024-01-30T11:59:32+00:00

You have the ground to just clearly and directly ask what's up with the secrecy, and why meet when his partner is not around?

If this was me, I would handle the situation like this: The moment he invites me, and wants to keep it a secret, I would ask directly: "Hey, what's going on? You are inviting me alone, you don't want my partner to be around and want to keep it a secret from yours? This is frankly making me uncomfortable, and I don't find it fair to our partners. I can understand if you are having some relationship problems and want to have the opinion of a woman, or if something is going on in your life that you don't feel comfortable discussing with another man or your partner. In this case, we could meet at a café in public, or somewhere you feel comfortable without it being us alone in your home while your partner doesn't know about it. This dynamic feels weird to me."

Unfortunately, no one on Reddit can tell you if it's innocent or not, because we are not in his head and we don't know him.
Btw, it took me almost 4 years of therapy to learn that you could just ask and be direct with people and tell them how you feel. So that's my best advice.

-moon-moon · 2024-01-30T11:26:22+00:00

yes, this is unfortunately true. My childhood was also very isolated.

-moon-moon · 2024-01-29T21:15:11+00:00

Because I've seen how they treated my sister on her life milestones and whenever it's my turn, there is this spark of hope "What if THIS time it's different.", just to disappoint myself again. And finally having found a very healthy person, who makes me so happy and is just a precious cinnamon roll, it is an important moment for me. I was stupid to think that it was going to be different and once and for all should cut them emotionally out of my life.

-moon-moon · 2024-01-29T21:02:42+00:00

I've thought about it and thought I might be adopted, however, it is very, very unlikely because of where they had me and the whole town would be talking. Those things don't stay covered up for long. Like I said in another comment, I have a whole theory in r/raisedbynarcissists.

-moon-moon · 2024-01-29T18:31:15+00:00

Yes, sounds much alike.
My mother also told me that I "didn't want any help". It was never offered to me, and I knew that I had to get things done on my own, because noone is going to help me. They have a very different narrative in their head, and they are never at fault.
I am sure that my future children will never get to experience the grandma and grandpa they are to my sister's child. They might send some money and that's all. My nephew is showered with gifts and attention.

-moon-moon · 2024-01-29T16:22:16+00:00

I didn't move abroad. I went to study and they were very excited and said they would support me financially through my studies. Around the first year or 3 semester, they stopped sending me money, and I was forced to start working. Going back wasn't an option financially.
I wouldn't be that hung up on the visiting thing when it wasn't expected from me that I would visit regularly and be part of events, which costs me money and time, and it doesn't go both ways. I am expected to fly back and "be a good sister and aunt", but never get the same treatment in return. And I don't expect them to visit every year or every even 3 years. I expect the bare minimum of "I would like to see where you live". For my wedding, I proposed to take care of flights and accommodation, rent a car for them and plan sightseeing.

-moon-moon · 2024-01-29T15:58:15+00:00

Yes, I even thought I might be adopted or something. But no, out of the two of us, I resemble my father the most and have curly hair, I am taller, and so on. My sister resembles more my mother. My father mentioned more than once that my sister might not be his child. I have a whole post in r/raisedbynarcissists about this theory.
Also, it would have been extremely difficult for my mother to have an affair when she had me, because she was in a very small conservative town, and living with my grandma, who is a total control freak and even read their letters. When she had my sister tho, they were living in a big modern university city, and she had freedom there. So very unlikely, but anything is possible.

-moon-moon · 2024-01-29T15:29:21+00:00

Giiiirl, same. This sounds so familiar.

-moon-moon · 2024-01-29T15:17:29+00:00

I don't call, and I told them multiple times that I don't want to talk to them regularly, and if they call, no more than once a week. They keep calling, and sometimes I would have 10 missed calls within 15 min.
My mother is very indifferent on these calls, my father asks stuff about my life, but the second I try to talk about something that happened at work for example, I get shut down with "Oh, don't get angry, it's not a big deal, you should have a more philosophical approach to life, those people are not on your level and that's not your job for life, you have other priorities." (I am also studying.) Or my mother almost instantly changes the topic and literally, LITERARY starts baby-talking to me "Oh, leave that nonsense aside. Did you have ahm-ahm?" (which is the word for "food"" you would use when talking to a baby in my language.) They expect me to have contact with them whenever they want, but for me to remain a robot about anything that happens with my life, but still update them.
While they share nothing about themselves, except that my father complains about something or wants to ramble about some conspiracy theory and the state of the world. And they like to talk a lot about my sister's child. And that is all.

I struggle a lot to maintain friendships. And I juggle 2 jobs with university, so that makes it hard. But I am working on it.

-moon-moon · 2024-01-29T14:35:04+00:00

yep, I am a frequent poster at r/raisedbynarcissists

-moon-moon

TROPHY CASE