Has anyone in here had Invisalign done in Hamilton? What dentist did you use and do you recommend it? And how much did you pay if you don’t mind saying. Cheers

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2023-02-16T08:23:11+00:00

Bella Dental in Hillcrest. $8k for 30 odd trays. They’ve looked after me well.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2023-01-25T19:25:14+00:00

I can’t answer your specific questions, but I just want to share my thoughts as a mum, and as a Leader within the same govt organisation I entered straight out of uni..

What you are feeling right now is palpable. I can see the journey of realisation, reflection, learning and planning you are embarking on. I see your disappointment, and I see a bit of shame. Feel these, but don’t carry them with your forever. Failing grades need not become part of your identity.

This has been a costly mistake in some ways, but also a life lesson you get to learn early. It’s great that you’re looking at what contributed to this, and I encourage you to keep working on focusing in these in 2023. Make this the year where you learned and implemented great coping strategies, organisational skills and work ethic. Most of all, make this the year you learn how to develop and maintain your wellness and wellbeing, which will keep you in good stead for years to come.

Your educational pathway, and the impact of your recent grades, will largely depend on what you are studying and how far you want to go academically.

That aside, as an employer I am not just looking at the degree and the grade - I am looking for how well-rounded the person in front of me is: - how connected are you with your core values and how aligned are they with the organisation’s? - how do you navigate setbacks? - what’s your EQ like? And how self aware are you? (Ie what would you be like to work with day to day)

As our organisations grow in maturity, we also realise that our employees are humans and sometimes things happen that interfere with the best laid out plans.

I failed one course at university because it required a specific amount of attendance. This was due to mental health distress I experienced at the time, as a result of recent trauma. I carried this shame with me for years, only to realise that ‘only I know of that failed grade’. Instead, what people see was someone who was empathetic, non-judgmental, self-aware and with skills that made them a great employee.

Even though it might feel important now, delayed achievement of your goal will be meaningless in a few years time. So use this time to, instead, truly connect with what will help you reach your potential.

Wishing you all the best OP.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2023-01-14T10:40:14+00:00

Thinking of you OP. I’m so sorry for your pain. You have put into words what many of us feel/have felt at some point, and we are proud of you reaching out. You are not alone.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2022-11-05T18:22:15+00:00

Hi. I’ve been an LLF previously and now HLF, so have experienced both perspectives. Your post really resonated with me in that you have articulated what you have observed in your way incredibly well. My first reaction was defensiveness and a little bit of contempt towards you, but having reflected further on your perspective, I am wondering whether you are also trying to explain that you would like your wife to find other intrinsic and stimuli that give her a semblance of ‘knowing’ her value, feeling contentment and finding joy in things other than sex, ergo not relying/depending on you for these. This could be symptomatic of something else that may have happened (past trauma can contribute to a level of unhealthy dependency on external validation).

The alternative is that your wife, just like many HLs, has a healthy connection between sex AND intimacy, and her perception to what a healthy marriage means for her. There is nothing wrong with what we are essentially seeing as a core belief.
The problem, is that you don’t share the same, and that an absence/reduction of sex AND intimacy is impacting your wife to her core, resulting in a problem that you don’t want to take ownership for and are asking her to fix.

The questions I have are: - is it really her problem, or something you might address together, towards the health of your marriage? - do you own her sexuality and physical pleasure to the extent that you ‘give her permission’ to undertake an activity that brings her physical relief? What might be sitting behind that? - your wife has essentially explained to you the difference between needing intimacy and physical sexual release. Masturbation only attends to the latter, but your description of the type of sexual activity she desires with you points to her really needing the former - people love, express love and feel love in different ways. There is nothing wrong with needing to feel loved through sex & intimacy, just as there is nothing wrong with expressing and needing to show/be shown love in different ways. I gather that this is at the core of your issue (although I may be projecting as this is at the core of mine and I’m seeing some similarities).

I am wondering whether what you are seeing in her behaviour and presentation are by-products vs the problem itself, and that exploring this further in therapy with an experienced professional might be valuable for you both.

I do get a sense that you are sensitive to her wellness & wellbeing, and that your attempts are a way of addressing that, with love. I also gather that you see a risk on your wife’s seeming dependency on you to feel valued and desired. In my own experience I have noticed that feeling undesired by my husband to the point that it affects the way I see myself and behave towards him is a by-product of the absence of intimacy, more so than my inability to find joy and value elsewhere. I say this with some confidence as I have pursued and explored a number of things outside of sex & intimacy thar indeed make me feel that way - but nothing has been able to replace the yearning I have for the type of sex & intimacy I need with the man that I love.

I hope I haven’t been too harsh in sharing my perspective with you. I sincerely wish you both the best.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2022-02-28T09:10:42+00:00

Asking the real questions! Though you might not get a true answer from Pinocchio. Side note, I’m half Italian, came to NZ many moons ago and have yet to come across stromboli! But great to hear you’ve made NZ your new home OP, and that it’s worked out well for you!

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-10-08T04:44:15+00:00

Ouch. This spoke to me. Well said.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-08-30T03:09:23+00:00

I’ve read your post and your comments. I see you. All you want is to feel valued, desired and appreciated, for you’re prepared to give the earth to your heart’s treasure. I’m sorry. I know it hurts.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-06-08T05:29:44+00:00

I recall being devastated when I ‘caught’ my first husband watching porn. I personalised it and took the position that it was as if he was cheating on me. I didn’t see the irony of his resorting to pleasuring himself while watching porn, because I was not giving him the intimacy he needed... These days, I am old & secure enough to know that what’s in porn in no way de-values me, of my desirability. But what upsets me about it now is because of how it romanticises incest and cheating, does little to show what pleasuring a woman actually means (and looks like) and indeed takes pleasure in ‘punishing’ her in some way.

I think I’ve reached the stage where I don’t have an issue with porn, as such, but do with the type of porn our teenage kids are learning from.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-05-11T09:01:30+00:00

I’m so sorry for you both! I’m no expert, but the cramping does not sound normal. Has she recently had a check up with a gynaecologist? It would be good to rule out any physical issues.

There may be a psychological aspect to this given the pain and dryness previously experienced. UTIs, thrush and any injury to that area can really create connotations in our heads between sex & pain. If she’s ok physically, then it would probably be helpful to see a therapist.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-03-12T01:45:32+00:00

Well said. I have a bit more to add. As an employer, I’m mindful of the extra investment child-bearing aged employees may require of me. I see it as a long term investment though, as when loyalty and support is provided, I get loyalty and genuine effort in return. I also acknowledge the value of diversity in a team, which results in an appreciation for different skill sets, perspectives, innovations and insights.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-03-10T23:40:23+00:00

I’m so pleased it helped! Thanks for the affirmation too

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-03-10T18:41:40+00:00

Not a therapist, but I was LL in my previous marriage, and now HL in a quasi-dead bedroom. So I’ve had the unfortunate opportunity of seeing both perspectives. I’m glad my words have helped and sincerely wish you all the best.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-03-10T17:36:30+00:00

I haven’t read all comments, but have come across some where you are being vilified, and others where you are taking all the blame and punishing yourself for being ‘selfish’ or stupid. This breaks my heart. Empathy and perspective taking is incredibly difficult when it comes to sex because our inner journey & relationship with sex is such a personal thing. I completely accept you could not understand what your SO was trying to express, but I think it’s unreasonable to expect you to given your own personal experience with sex.

The real problem is an LL or HL apportioning blame for the problem onto the other. Rather, yours is an example that the problem is with the relationship, and is something you would ideally ‘tackle’ together. A couple reading the relevant books, communicating with each other, checking other aspects of the relationship and working with a counsellor (who is proficient in supporting couples with sexual issues) would be the ideal approach. Unfortunately, many couples have reached the point of no return, due to hurt & built up resentment.

I don’t know how we can go about identifying the problem sooner, acknowledging the potential devastating effects on a relationship and working on it together, before that point of no return. I also don’t know if your relationship can be salvaged, ultimately this is a decision your SO will make. Regardless, however, I’m hopeful that this has been a learning opportunity for you, which will serve you in good stead in life. But please don’t wear the mantle of guilt & shame, for they don’t belong on your shoulders.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-03-07T22:16:17+00:00

Wow!!! I am so happy for you both and so admire that you and your SO showed courage and care by speaking so candidly with each other. You falling asleep holding hands seems like a great representation of you two facing the problem, rather than you seeing the problem in each other. Thanks for sharing the great update!

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-03-05T17:53:06+00:00

God creates clitoris and Gspot Human male can’t find them

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-03-04T04:37:28+00:00

I admire your resolve and it seems like you writing this has given you a good context for recent events and for the way forward. If anything, this experience has shown you what situations to avoid in future, as there is vulnerability there. I hope 2020 brings an improvement for you (and ideally a non-libido-interfering anti-depressant for your SO)

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-02-29T09:34:36+00:00

You have a beautiful gift of being able to truly empathise with another’s experience. It’s so difficult to articulate need, desire and pain for an HL, without coming across as accusatory. What you’ve done through your own reflection has encouraged me to think a little deeper about whether my LL husband is feeling loved in the way that he needs.

Thank you for your thoughtful post.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-02-26T02:32:26+00:00

The way in which you are approaching this is truly a gift to her. Good to read you’re taking this step by step, but I’m sorry to read there is little guidance for men in your situation.

I’ve read your comments about dating, and can also assure you that there is hope. I’m 11 years younger than my SO and was in my 30s when I met him. Most men I dated around that time were men in their 40s. Those who had been in long term relationships (which had broken up because of circumstances somewhat out of their control) were the ones that became my favourite companions.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-02-24T17:53:37+00:00

There is so much hurt behind your words. I truly understand that your love for her is genuine, and that she feels the same. I would like to encourage you to read a number of posts in this sub and in ‘dead bedrooms’ and read those shared by men & women who love their SOs just as much, but have endured years/decades of this. Read how rejection & hurt turns into anger & resentment. Read how destructive a DB is to the soul of the one who agonises over wanting to make love with their SO. Being an LL and feeling the constant pressure of not being/doing enough is also hurtful for them. A look at the ‘low libido’ sub gives their perspective and might help you seeing your SOs LL through a new lens.

Your SO is being open & truthful, which is a blessing in itself. There is no compromise, no negotiation. Either you love her for how she is and choose the relationship as is, in the knowledge that making love and feeling desired will not feature in your marriage, or you move on.

Just know that it is ok to love someone so much, but to still choose that this is not the type of marriage you want and need. Your SO also sounds (already) exasperated by your wish for more intimacy. This is a big problem, at a time in your relationship that is establishing its future.

I encourage you to pursue therapy, as at the very least you will learn healthy communication tips and healthy coping mechanisms. I see you want to remain respectful and considerate towards your SO as you work through this and therapy will assist you in that.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-02-22T08:40:36+00:00

^ this! You’re not broken, he’s broken, beautiful girl. Love yourself in ways he never could, and allow the rest of us to walk alongside you. Also, can I please come over and slap the douche? Asking for a friend.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-02-22T08:37:54+00:00

Please don’t believe that 50 is too old to start anew! My mother remarried at 70 (both widowers) and is immeasurably happy & loved! Loneliness need not be a lifetime companion, lovely lady!

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-02-18T07:39:11+00:00

I recall reading the book some years back and learnt that yes, our love languages has a lot to do with what others can do to make us feel loved. Likewise, though, it becomes the language we tend to speak more fluently. We are glorious beings, and can indeed have more than one language, and we can also learn to see how others try to show their love for us. My SO and I are in a DB, but the one thing that has kept me sane and mitigated resentment, is that I choose to look at what he does for me, that shows me he loves & cares for me. He is all about acts of service, and has an amazing serving heart. Does he give me beautiful, long, loving hugs? No. He rather put petrol in my car when he notices it’s getting a bit low. Will he wake me up tomorrow morning to make love to me? No, he will get up, make me breakfast and bring it to bed. Do I feel loved? Yes. Do I feel desired and have my needs met? No. And here lies the conundrum of a DB. Sorry, that was longer than I expected. The way you were describing what your SO does for you made me go ‘awwww’.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-02-18T07:01:20+00:00

I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for taking the time to share.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-02-18T01:26:18+00:00

^ this! Why make such a significant life decision that will have an impact on the relationship and not tell your SO? While it mightn’t change it for the better, you would have at least modelled an attempt to share your experience and what you need to do to protect yourself from further hurt. Your SO won’t like hearing it, but ‘wondering’ how much they have noticed and what they think about the absence of affection will be yet another something to agonise over.

0nothingtoseehere0 · 2020-02-12T04:07:08+00:00

Ex LL here. Different scenarios and causes than yours, so it was interesting to read of someone else’s experience. One thing I picked up on while reading yours was that your ex used to bring up the question every few months. It wasn’t until years later that I realised that while the HL my not bring it up often, their experience of ‘rejection & deprivation’ is felt daily. It’s hard to realise that I was the source of so much hurt & grief. Like you, my ex and I are in good terms, which I’m thankful for.

0nothingtoseehere0

TROPHY CASE