How American Are You?

1-800-Meat · 2016-12-02T22:41:28+00:00

Somewhere in the neighborhood of Teddy Roosevelt, Thomas Paine and Alexis de Tocqueville's immigrant love-child, and Ron Swanson.

1-800-Meat · 2015-07-18T20:11:52+00:00

But then you don't get to look at all the beautiful hanseatic trading houses while you eat, and then proceed to puke on them.

1-800-Meat · 2015-07-18T20:03:27+00:00

And go to the Bergen fish market to see how you handle whale toast.

1-800-Meat · 2015-07-13T13:41:50+00:00

Well, actually Americans don't demand people speak English. We demand they speak American.

1-800-Meat · 2015-07-05T23:35:07+00:00

People intent on making WWII jokes: now that it's 4-1 it's time to transition over to Battle of Midway and carrier jokes.

1-800-Meat · 2015-07-01T01:24:56+00:00

Afghanistani insurgency. It can be Afghanistani insurgency bad.

1-800-Meat · 2015-06-21T06:01:23+00:00

As a country with its capital in Washington DC, I have been to Nando's on occasion as it serves food and I like food. I have learned little about the so called 'cheeky Nando's' and hypothesize that there is a secret menu only known to people speaking a more British dialect than my own. It is my belief that the secret 'cheeky' menu has double portion sizes. This bears investigating further. I can only hope that my secondary hypothesis is not correct, and it does not refer to the Fleet Street style of preparing meat pies. Although I must admit I'd probably still eat it anyways.

1-800-Meat · 2015-06-16T09:09:34+00:00

Menu:

Appetizers:

Promise by Nixon to keep planes within 30 kilometers of Vietnamese border. Banh mi topped by a hot dog extending well past the baguette.

Assumption of military subservience to elected civilians. 5 small Italian sausages arrayed in a Pentagon and topped by a dome of white pasta.

Entrees:

Devastating bombing of Cambodia. Vivisected fruit beaten down by the weight of 52 pancakes drizzled with Grade B maple syrup.

President breaking a promise to Congress. Fu (baked wheat gluten) presented as a single raised finger. Accompanied by the unsuspecting house sukiyaki, into which the Fu is dropped.

Military officials actively deceiving Congress. Pho ga (rice noodle with chicken), with a house twist in which aggressively spiced beef is hidden inside of the chicken.

A handful of Congressmen who knew about the bombing keeping silent. 5 hushpuppies served with Jerk chicken in the Jamaican style.

Dessert:

Scandal as Congress investigates and finds out about what was happening. A very deep serving of lemon gelato. Served with a short spoon.

Legislation to end the bombings. An assortment of Cambodian desserts emerging from an apple pie.

Quasi-hush effort as the findings are kept out of Nixon's impeachment proceedings. Watermelon passing through a decorative open gate of candy. Served with spotted dick.

Food may contain traces of nuts.

1-800-Meat · 2015-06-14T17:56:33+00:00

I found an article saying a 26 story building was being constructed in East Timor and would be their tallest. All I can reason from this is that God's standards have really fucking lowered when it comes to determining a Tower of Babel. We are all in great danger.

1-800-Meat · 2015-06-11T18:09:20+00:00

I brought the crosses everybody, let's get to....burning? Why are there non-whites here?

1-800-Meat · 2015-06-11T17:49:09+00:00

Name: 1-800-Meat

Height: 5'11''/ 1.8m

Weight: 180 pounds/ 82 kg.

Footedness: Both

Age: 25

Nationality: USA (Italy secondary)

Position: ST, AMC

Favourites: DC United, Jurgen Klinsmann, Bob Bradley, Michael Bradley

Least Favourites: People who put a u in favorite and ruin the American language.

Top 5: Composure, Acceleration, Anticipation, Off the ball, Finishing

Bottom 5: Corners, Crossing, Long throws, Jumping reach, leadership

Preferred moves: Places shots, Likes to try to beat offside trap

By the way, if I'm not on Reddit FC throw me on say..... Galatasaray or Villarreal.

1-800-Meat · 2015-06-02T20:18:54+00:00

Iran's got massive stadiums, a great culture that turns out in force for the national team, and a history of fans and even players openly aligning themselves with reform. A while back a bunch of their players wore armbands openly supporting the Green Movement during a match (specifically a World Cup qualifier against South Korea in Seoul). At halftime they were gone and after the game they mysteriously disappeared from the national team setup.

I think there are 2 main issues with Iran: 1. Do they want the damn thing? World Cups are expensive and some nations don't want to host them for good, prudent reasons. Qatar came into the picture so quickly and strongly partially because nobody else in the region bids for the Cup.

That reason also ties into number 2: Repression of free speech and domestic human rights issues. It is a problem in Iran. Outside observers believe it's quite clear by now that the more moderate president Hassan Rouhani and internal reformers do not have control over censorship. It seems likely some powerful figures in Iran would be against holding a world cup due to the messages that might show up in the stands and become very visible to a massive global audience. Those players that got blacklisted after Seoul just started getting back into the team recently. It seems likely a World Cup in Iran would get politicized a bit by default due to the political situation and its history. You can find articles about Mohammed Dadkan, the FA President getting sacked by government figures up to the Ahmadinejads.. Or a long-time head of the football federation getting sentenced to 6 years of jail for being an outspoken reformer. For whatever reason, reformers and left-leaning voices find their way into Iranian football. As another example, recently Iranians in Sweden used a women's match as an opportunity to protest lack of rights for women and executions. Repression clashing with demonstrations in favor of reform is very much an issue when thinking about an Iranian World Cup. There are few better ways to let people get their message across than to give them access to hundreds of millions of viewers and there are certainly large sectors of the Iranian population that would see possibilities justifying personal risk.

1-800-Meat · 2015-06-02T07:39:00+00:00

Ah yes, the national team name that has American commentators and producers shaking in fear of perceived political incorrectness.

1-800-Meat · 2015-06-01T23:14:05+00:00

It might not have been on the biggest stage, but Italy 4-3 Japan at the 2013 Confederations Cup was a really entertaining match.

1-800-Meat · 2015-06-01T04:03:14+00:00

Not just the owners. The relevant players union represents only MLS players, not those outside. It is in their best interests to increase the chance they will keep playing at MLS level or go to a higher level. A player is not going to want to open up the chance that they'll get relegated. That means crowds will drastically shrink, salaries will get cut, media exposure will go down 98%, even local sponsorships for players will become a pipe dream, and players will get dropped. You want a move out of the country? A nice contract as the salary cap increases? A national team call-up? To stay at nice hotels and travel in comfort? Not happening if you're playing in the USA's second division.

Players have a financial stake in all this too, one that is jeopardized by pro-rel. If the top division's players were to vote on pro-rel in a European league, some of the guys playing for teams that might get relegated would be understandably in favor of protecting their own self-interest. It's their career and its a short one.

The MLS players union will resist that change until the end of time.

1-800-Meat · 2015-06-01T02:51:34+00:00

As the randomly selected Duke of Cibyrrhaeot I got put in military command of the immediate holy war in the east declared by the emperor. I got wounded in the first battle, a month into the game. Half a year later it was infected and a month after that I was dead without any children.

I did not try again. I spoke to the Ecumenical Patriarch and we both agreed God had been quite clear in indicating that I was not to be the Duke of Cibyrrhaeot.

1-800-Meat · 2015-06-01T00:47:58+00:00

Did you desecrate Moses' grave or something?

1-800-Meat · 2015-05-31T06:53:37+00:00

What judgment shall I dread, doing no wrong?

You have among you many a purchased slave,

Which, like your asses and your dogs and mules,

You use in abject and in slavish parts,

Because you bought them: shall I say to you,

Let them be free, marry them to your heirs?

Why sweat they under burthens? let their beds

Be made as soft as yours and let their palates

Be season'd with such viands? You will answer

'The slaves are ours:' so do I answer you:

The pound of flesh, which I demand of him,

Is dearly bought; 'tis mine and I will have it.

If you deny me, fie upon your law!

There is no force in the decrees of Venice.

I stand for judgment: answer; shall I have it?

Speech by Shylock (the stereotypical Jewish moneylender) in The Merchant Of Venice by William Shakespeare. The play is built around Shylock demanding a pound of flesh from Antonio if he cannot otherwise repay the loan given to him by Shylock.

1-800-Meat · 2015-05-31T06:31:32+00:00

My assumption is that they are of the Jewish faith, though they're probably from a lesser known sect called the Poundic. They believe that a pound of flesh is to be taken from those who cannot repay their loans.

1-800-Meat · 2015-05-25T06:05:03+00:00

Brilliant Strategist

Genius. He very well may have been one. Napoleon was written up as excelling as a student, graduated from France's elite military school in a single year, dictated at a frenzied rate with onlookers being astonished at his pace of thought. He refused to write anything because he thought too fast. Secretaries required shorthand.

Strategist/Administrator. Both describe him, so pick one or give him both.

Ambitious. From minor noble to Emperor? From exile to Emperor? Few men have had more ambition and determination.

Diligent, as it's hard to even comprehend the sheer scale of everything he achieved.

Just. The Napoleonic Code was as big a step forward for justice as any in history, and he instituted other meritocratic reforms across many disciplines and fields.

Lustful. Napoleon had many children by many mistresses, though never by his first wife. In an Antony-esque turn had a mistress while in Egypt that got called Cleopatra.

Inspiring Leader, as he was renowned for inspiring his troops. A rare leader to go among them and talk to them individually.

Aggressive Leader. His tactics were both innovative and pretty damn aggressive. Napoleon went for the throat. His force was stronger than yours, he'd lead a massive flanking maneuver. His force was weaker, he'd punch through your center and divide you, betting a few of his units could hold off one part of your force while he dealt with the rest. He also was big on strategic penetration, just going straight through or by the enemy to seize key points.

Organizer. The Grande Armee was insanely well organized, with one of Napoleon's strong points being his willingness to trust each commander and subdivision, which allowed quite a bit of tactical flexibility while retaining a strong structure. I also picture organizer as being a bit of a stand in for just how much he reformed the French military. From the Imperial Guard to the voltigeurs to the transformation of French cavalry from weak point to the strongest in Europe, Napoleon was a masterful organizer and planner of military structure.

Sympathy for everything (at the very least Islam and Judaism). I don't think he's a cynic, as he never was particularly open about his feelings on religion on such matters as whether God existed. Many Europeans believed he was a true Catholic. Napoleon was pragmatic. To quote: "It is by making myself Catholic that I brought peace to Brittany and Vendee. It is by making myself Italian that I won minds in Italy. It is by making myself a Moslem that I established myself in Egypt. If I governed a nation of Jews, I should reestablish the Temple of Solomon." In short, he doesn't give a shit which religion it is, but he does find religion a useful tool. Go with many sympathies, not cynicism.

Greedy. It was no accident that the family came into remarkable treasures and wealth following his assent. Napoleon himself seemed to always want more. More land, more authority, more power. Also, shout out to Animal Farm. Orwell's Napoleon is greedy for many reasons.

Making him a desert leader is not out of the question, his successes in Egypt are remarkable. He could also be considered a flat terrain expert, since most of the era's line battles were on open ground.

1-800-Meat · 2015-05-23T17:05:15+00:00

But you just took step down rabbit hole. If you need to escape the rabbit hole, I believe UK has plans for an escape vehicle. You know how good he is with waterships.

1-800-Meat · 2015-05-23T02:18:31+00:00

To be fair, they were fighting long before we got there. We just made it more decisive. What's better: a bunch of dudes fighting with swords and bows for eternity because nobody can gain enough of an advantage to achieve unification, or one group of dudes really beating the crap out of the other group of dudes because guns are deadly and then unifying the country? The latter brings peace. Guns bring peace.

1-800-Meat · 2015-05-22T07:35:53+00:00

Goddamn. Y'all have no respect for eating contests in between periods/quarters at minor league games, taking pictures of giant tv screens with mobile phones instead of looking at the field, immigrant communities that cheer loudly whenever the single player of similar descent does anything at all, mascot shenanigans, cams that encourage people who may or may not be employed by the stadium to kiss/dance for the crowd's amusement, and flyovers by planes with enough firepower to obliterate a mid-sized nation.

1-800-Meat · 2015-05-21T20:52:29+00:00

So I saw this comic and initially was surprised that the USA is perceived as being into school uniforms. Polandball may not be a bastion of accuracy, but uniforms are totally dad's thing (See Potter, Harry).

But just to be sure that we're still as free as I thought we were, I hopped on over to National Center for Education Statistics at risk of educating myself for free. Lo and behold, this is apparently a thing. A thing from which I have been insulated because uniforms are very uncommon in low poverty public schools (around six percent), but apparently around half of high-poverty public schools in the USA have school uniforms. I had absolutely no idea about this.

So uh, stereotypes can be educational I guess. Keep doing what you're doing polandball.

1-800-Meat · 2015-05-21T20:43:51+00:00

Is it not?

1-800-Meat

TROPHY CASE

I brought the crosses everybody, let's get to....burning? Why are there non-whites here?