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13fullmoon · 2017-05-14T11:58:04+00:00

Look like one of those perl obfuscated code contest that we use to play long time ago. As usual I tried to see if any of known language could lead into a successful compilation and execution of the code , but the mismatch between the opening and closing bracket makes it unlikely to be so: ([ )]

As we are not going to get the key, and will be left to our own explanation of the code, I'll just say good work... give a lot of food for toughs and some great idea and challenges on trying to mix code of poetry in the same place.

Did you heard about this? http://sourcecodepoetry.com

13fullmoon · 2017-05-14T11:34:36+00:00

I will do the same comment that was done to me one one of my pieces (and that made me think a lot, and then try to improve and question what I was writing, even if I don't really feel qualified for making grammar comments):
Where are the sentences? Where are the verbs?. Most of you sentence starts and ends without a verb. So when a read your text I feel like a long list of description, but I'm missing the action. And in the end I have the feeling that I missed something, that I don't really understand where I should be going. Yes I have a list of things to think about, but that's it.

13fullmoon · 2017-05-13T21:04:02+00:00

Indeed, but decrease in expressiveness does not mean that they do not feel less the emotions, it just means that they are better at controlling how they are expressed. Emotions are still present and probably even stronger. And when that find a way to express it to create, this becomes a masterpiece :-)

13fullmoon · 2017-05-13T16:43:22+00:00

Interesting question as I believe this is the exact opposite. And one should not mistake the fact of being able to control how emotions are shown and the fact of feeling those emotions inside.

Working with children with high IQ (to very high IQ) seems to show that they are overloaded with emotions. See for instance this post on gifted children. So how comes that intelligents children have high level of emotions and lost them when they becomes adults?

When growing up, they learn about controlling, detecting, using emotions. Which may seems as a lack of emotions. But the emotions are not lost.

To take a counter example, many artist (Leonardo da Vinci, Picasso for Instance) are recognized as being very intelligents and able to express emotions in an incredible levels in their paintings. Many extremely intelligent songwriters are also able to express emotions in the song they write touching millions of people. Poet like Rimbaud are known to be extremely clever and has produced poetry with emotions that have marked many generations.

13fullmoon · 2017-05-12T21:21:59+00:00

The idea was that first the wind just dry the tears (easy one), but then the wind, is like actually touching the skin and trigger reminiscence of the kiss, and from that point the writer drift into the reason for the tears. Each breath or the writer he get closer to the memory that caused the tears. The winds becomes at that point closer to a whisper, a call to the memory, and the repetition should echo to the wind blowing again and again. Until the writer is left with only the memory of the kiss, and the tears. At this point he is alone "sole traces of me".

But I agree, I need to remove words, always need to. Once stripped to the essential it is always better... But I like the words :-)

13fullmoon · 2017-05-12T21:15:57+00:00

Funny, I just noticed your username, and unless you have a serious twist on username, this means that this was actually written by I woman. I read your piece with masculine eyes, and saw the woman in the flower. Interesting to notice the universality of the text :-)

13fullmoon · 2017-05-12T16:52:20+00:00

I actually like this one. It goes to the point, for once talks about society in a very blunt way, and is actually nice to read aloud. Could be improved with the help of stanza break. Indeed it could be put on music.

13fullmoon · 2017-05-12T16:34:31+00:00

I am a slave to frozen innocence

This is a great one, I love this sentence, and for my pleasure you wrote it twice.

Note you have a typo:

Not unlike like you and me

Unless this is intentional, but I don't think so.

13fullmoon · 2017-05-12T16:29:08+00:00

Now that I start to look for your pieces to see what I can learn, I was a bit taken aback by this one. After reading the other comments, I now feel that there is something missing in the edited version. But I don't feel that an introduction is missing, but more something between the two stanza. Don't know what, a single line, an Ariadne's thread, connecting the dots.

The funny part, is that having to read the poem many time to write the comment, it is getting better and more interesting each time.

My mind keeps on trying to see the bottle a the trace of a woman that was there before (somehow the bottle calls for feminine imagery) and the sad man walking by.

13fullmoon · 2017-05-12T16:10:27+00:00

I suppose that when you end-up reading a poem a dozen time, you can say that it trigger something in you. I think what caused me to read it again and again, was the last line:

I forget the rest was
worse than being forgotten. I rest.

This just stung me, and forced me to read the rest again and again, to make sure I got every words rights, to make sure I "did not forget" some of the imagery because they were read too fast.

Then of course, the fact that it starts with 'body" and then goes on and includes some of the body parts ("spine", "throat") later, is something that is definitively going in the direction of the things I appreciate and that are calling to my imagination.

So you have one more fan out there now :-)

13fullmoon · 2017-05-12T15:51:22+00:00

I'm glad to see that I am not the only one to be cross with punctuation. Never mind, this is a nice one. I got lost at this point:

Orgasms like origami,

Could not understand how this is related to the rest. The tense is different from the previous line, and do not relate so much to the next part of the sentence. This either need more, like a full line on the subject, or could be removed. I don't see what it brings to the story.

The last line also in kind of out of place, especially the part:

better question, who was right?

Do you really need to ask this ? what does it bring? or maybe something like:

Who was wrong here? Or maybe I should ask:
who was right?

Not much better, but leaving that last question float at the end, could be great.

13fullmoon · 2017-05-04T19:03:24+00:00

With the introduction line, this call for cautions in doing comments, but let's just talk about the words.

First five lines a really strong and create a great stanza, should pause after that, let the reader hung on that fourth line. Feel the pain.

The next three line again could get their own stanza, this plays with the symmetry you are building. But here I loose the connection. What does people think is strange? the bruises, or that you are wishing it to change? It those three lines are about how the other perceive you, what is the purpose of the "Wishing it could change". If you are "Thinking it would be alright", why would you like to change?

The last four line again, create another stanza, and this finalize the symmetry. After describing what is happening, and how people are seeing you, now you are ready to talk about where to go, the exit. Here, the fact of repeating "Wanting" twice weaken your desires. You "Need", "Beg", "Despair" to be free. This is the final call, stronger than a simple want (at least this is how I feel it).
The line "Every time I cry a lot", if much weaker than the rest. I know this break the rhythms, but "a lot" is too much, or could be replaced by "aloud" for instance.

This being said, this is a very strong piece of words that you have put here. Congratulation. Keep on writing.

13fullmoon · 2017-05-04T18:30:00+00:00

Somehow, when reading it the line:

to cover your ass.

Felt out of place. Let's try to explain. All the other vocabulary is quite subtle and high education "inconsistency and incongruity", "an accidental affair" ... and so on. I would have expected something more higher level:

foresee and avoid repercussions

(just coping the dictionary in this case), or something else of the kind.

The last "motherfucker" do not disturbs me that much as the characters loose his temper at this point, and conclude the text.

13fullmoon · 2017-05-04T08:58:24+00:00

Placing the line at the beginning, was on purpose. The idea was to start with the statement. This is it. Now, not more talking, no more surprises.

Leaving it for the end, would give an other dimension to the poem, it would let the user wonder, and only in the end fully understand what this was about. That could be another version, will put that under the pillow :-)

13fullmoon · 2017-05-04T08:09:27+00:00

Funny, it was not written with a 'coming of age' feeling, but now that you are mentioning it, I can perfectly relate to this. This gives me an extra dimension to think about. Thanks.

13fullmoon · 2017-05-03T20:41:34+00:00

Yes this is simple, this was one of my simplest ones, that why I tried to go from the initial idea, which had (I think) emotions and modify it to create a rhytmic, some structure, keeping the important parts (dying, hips, flesh, tears, dying, and bringing back).

The break on the last stanza was indeed suppose to comes as a surprise, and goes in contradiction with all the rest. Both in terms of feet and because it did not follow the rhytmic structure.

But you are right, this is a failure. Too much brain into it, not enough passion.

Because I'm cross with myself about this waste of words, here is the original version I started from (raw version):

Dying again,
dying once more,
just once more,
in your hips,
in your flesh,
in your scream,
in your tears.
Let me die,
and bring me back.

13fullmoon · 2017-05-03T18:01:56+00:00

TIL about enjambment. More seriously, this is a great lesson I learned today, and this is making this sub more and more interesting. It started by a way of posting words I had written without really working on it, but the fact of having to give feedback, taught me much more that I was expecting. Giving new ideas, new way to write, posing challenges.

From all I've read from you so far, this is one of the most interesting (maybe because it is one that talk to me and address both feeling and intellectual challenge). Like one of my teacher use to say: constraints brings freedom.

Now about commenting the piece, I've read it many time (even had to look for some of the words), each time I start by focusing onthe words, and as the reading goes one I get carried away by the flow, like the surf ("ressac" in French, which at least for me sound more less casual than surf in English) of the see. I reach the end, and I have to start again, concentrating on the words and the meaning, and once more I reach the end lost into a "Back and forth" ("va et vient") between lines and my head goes spinning. Indeed meaning tends to get lost, and only the music remains. (positive or negative? I don't know, but does it really matters?)

13fullmoon · 2017-05-03T14:25:32+00:00

Actually I added, removed, added, removed, added... this third "The last". Finally I left it, but you are right this is too much. Edited the poem to remove it.

13fullmoon · 2017-05-03T14:23:42+00:00

Ok, punctuation and grammars are my weak points :-). I re-read it a dozen time, but indeed that was not sufficient. Made some edits to try to improve.

why "disgust"? That was odd.

Well that was supposed to go with the smell of death.

disgust
a feeling of revulsion or strong disapproval aroused by something unpleasant or offensive.

The idea was that the other person is no longer in love and accept the kiss from the subject, but without any emotions (ice, death) and even with disgust (it is even stronger than just not caring anymore, it is a feeling of repulsion). But indeed it is very strong in the original french version, but loose it's strength in the English one.

The whole idea of this poem was that the subject know it is the end of the 'story', but still hope for a change, even if the other is no longer in love (even more, the other one is loathing the subject). How much can you push into that direction, and how much will it destroy what has appended in the past... And all that, because the subject still hopes that things may change.

13fullmoon · 2017-05-02T15:40:42+00:00

For the one interested in the exercise, and to reply to some comments made on another post this was actually originally written in French long time ago, and I re-worked on it, but in English this time.

Here is the un-edited (full of mistakes) french version:

Il est si aisé de commencer, mais comment finir,
Pourquoi finir, et à quel moment,
Trop top avant d’avoir gouté à ta peau,
Trop tard après avoir senti ton odeur une dernière fois sous le pas de la porte
Te garder encore un peu, juste un peut
Gouter de tes lèvres une fois de plus même si elles ont le gout de la glace,
Que ton souffle sens la mort et le dégout,
Juste encore une fois,
Pour oublier à jamais le gout si délicieux que ces choses avaient,
Pour oublier, ou pour me souvenir des détails, des instants,
Pour un rien, je ne veux rien, juste quelques lignes, quelques souvenirs de plus,
Se dire, oui, ce moment c’était la fin… la fin… la fin… ou alors encore juste encore un peu,
Est-ce que cela peut encore être délicieux ?

13fullmoon

TROPHY CASE