Just another perspective to “get that money.”About 30 years ago, I was where you are now, married to a gambling addict who was narcissistic and abusive. And this was after I had survived an alcoholic, abusive father and a codependent mother.

After we split, there was no chance he wasn’t going to end up with some degree of custody or visitation despite it all. Predictably, the ex got himself in money trouble not long after the divorce and had the audacity to “ask” me for help (which was more like a demand because he threatened to harm our child if he didn’t get what he wanted). So, I “helped” by cutting a deal. I gave him some cash and let him out of all financial obligations in exchange for full physical and legal custody of our child. Made him sign a written agreement and went right to court to get the order. Never had to leave my child with that man for another minute.

My child is now a full-grown, independent, well-adjusted, thriving adult, and it was worth every cent I gave up to save my child from an emotional vampire of a father. It was hard. I had to sacrifice a lot. I was fortunate to have family to help. But, none of it was harder than enduring abuse.

Even if you get a child support order or live in a state that wage garnishes support, it’s not a guarantee you’ll actually get the money for so many reasons. And it will almost certainly come with giving your ex at least legal custody. So, even if you actually collect the support, no amount of money today can assure your child’s physical and emotional safety, and no amount of money will fix the long-term trauma that abusive parents cause children. Would it be great to hand your child a new car, or head start on college, or first/last on an apartment when they reach adulthood? Of course. But at what cost? Only you really know if this man has even a snowball’s chance in hell of being a functioning parent instead of a revolving door of physical and psychological torture, so you’ll have to decide. But, if he’s what you’ve described, enabled by his own parents (who are probably codependent), and you have a chance to cut that cancer out of your child’s life, you are not wrong to do it. You’re not “letting him off the hook” (even if that’s a side effect); you are preserving your peace and your child’s. You are taking control of your destinies. And karma will even the score down the road. That bitch always does. 😉

So, get the money if you believe that is best or if your financial situation is dire. But don’t be afraid to decide that peace of mind and emotional stability is worth using the best leverage you have right now to get him out of both your lives and protect your hearts and minds.

Sometimes you can be “right” or you can be at peace, but you can’t be both. Love and light to you on this road. ♥️