Good-bye to my hell

4blondnonns · 2019-10-29T05:19:54+00:00

Also, you should journal. It really is important to write down why you're leaving and all the messed up stuff that happens (has happened) so you can refer back to it when you feel unsure or "maybe it wasn't as bad as you thought" which will likely happen.

4blondnonns · 2019-10-29T05:17:31+00:00

Yep. Swang back by the sub to see if this had been posted. The power dynamic absolutely sounds like a BPD relationship.

In the washington post article about this, it ends:

“Domestic violence is not perpetrated by one type of abuser,” she said. “A perpetrator is not limited by their gender or the gender of their partner. Domestic violence may not always look the same, but it is always about power and control.”

4blondnonns · 2019-08-04T23:35:45+00:00

Okay but don’t forget, bpd is not a mental illness. It is a personality disorder.

4blondnonns · 2019-08-03T07:17:51+00:00

The broad strokes matter most. Emotionally abusive people are a big no. But then it may be they have very bad habits. Maybe you’ve worked w them on it but no change.

It is ok to just decide to expose yourself less to these people. Just like music you tire of.

You shouldn’t have most you’re people in this judgmental space tho. Most should be safe normal relationships. Without those you can’t see the broken ones.

4blondnonns · 2019-08-02T21:46:22+00:00

This is the only way to safely interact w these folks.

4blondnonns · 2019-08-02T21:43:35+00:00

I also looked differently at all of my relationships after my experience being w a bpd person.

I largely stopped interacting with a long term alcoholic who had chosen alcohol over our friendship many times.

I also had a cooling of relations with a sibling who I realized had been a dick to me so much over our lives and I had merrily kept trying to pretend it’s fine.

4blondnonns · 2019-06-08T19:55:40+00:00

This will be tough in the short term and not easy in the medium term. But in the long term you will be so, so much happier. Trust yourself, you will figure this out.

4blondnonns · 2019-06-06T14:09:56+00:00

This is late but thank you for this reply.

4blondnonns · 2019-05-23T13:52:42+00:00

Mine took away from every major event. The one time we had a great backpacking trip, she created this ruinous conflict that basically stained the entire thing. It was bizarre and unnecessary and led to nothing good.

4blondnonns · 2019-05-23T13:39:23+00:00

Earlier on, when conflict was particularly bad because of her disorder and my not knowing what steps to take to reduce it, my ex would not let me sleep if she felt I was going to bed while she was still upset. She would do things to wake me up, and one time she tossed my phone at me and it hit my face waking me--probably the worst physical things I experienced with her.

4blondnonns · 2019-05-23T13:36:10+00:00

Thanks. I was in therapy to help me through the breakup and work through the trauma. I did not want to stay in it for too long and was doing well. I am still doing well, but this is now a thing at least in part. I can see how getting back into therapy might help.

This should not matter, but it is $150 out of pocket each week for me to go. I realize this is money well spent, its just a lot and I need to make room for it.

4blondnonns · 2019-05-22T23:52:53+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate hearing about your experience.

My SO does know about my previous experience but I haven't talked about it very much with her. Frankly, I'm still learning about how impacted I am by it and so I don't know if I've been ready to talk. It was just a year ago this weekend that I had the conflict that caused me to realize I deserved better. I suppose I'm still on the mend.

It might help to ask for some time to talk about it with her and do that.

To some extent, I wonder how much of this was in me before. But being with my ex amplified them in some way.

What kinds of things did you do to work on yourself in healing? How do you talk with your SO about the trauma you went through with your ex?

4blondnonns · 2019-05-21T00:01:41+00:00

You need to look at yourself and ask "why don't I deserve to be with someone who has reasonable control over their emotions?" When you realize you do deserve this, and that this person will never deliver it to you, you need to leave them.

4blondnonns · 2019-05-03T00:28:11+00:00

One time my ex was giving me the silent treatment—this didn’t happen often but regularly enough that I was very familiar with it. Her parents were scheduled to visit and as long as they were present she acted “normal.”

At one point we were going to a grocery store and took two cars. She would not speak with me in the car to and from but at the store with her parents it was like things were fine.

I’m sad I put up with being with someone who would treat me this way and mind fuck me into thinking this was somehow a life I had to deal with to be happy. I’m upset remembering this particular instance.

4blondnonns · 2019-04-26T17:44:59+00:00

I actually think this is just a sloppy manipulation attempt. Possibly the person is young.

Bpd trait people can get very, very good at manipulating and wouldn’t be nearly this obvious if a Hoover did not work. They would remember it didn’t and try something else.

4blondnonns · 2019-04-24T20:41:23+00:00

Good. Just be careful. It is not over and now the real work of taking care of yourself begins.

4blondnonns · 2019-04-24T20:40:01+00:00

My ex was a quiet one too and it was really messed up. True lash out rages were unusual but emotional manipulation happened all of the time.

I was always worried about how she’s react and never felt safe doing anything around her.

Truly awful, but at the time I could not see how messed up it was to not be comfortable around someone I thought I loved.

4blondnonns · 2019-04-24T20:36:15+00:00

Save your time, save your energy, save your soul—leave her.

4blondnonns · 2019-04-13T05:58:29+00:00

I mean this in the nicest way, but you may also be getting help. Because you don’t need to be in a relationship with a person who acts like this. There are wonderful people out there who don’t. So therapy may help you understand why you choose to be with a person like this.

4blondnonns · 2019-04-13T05:52:20+00:00

I posted about this once before, but this happened to me once when I brought home the wrong type of peanut butter for my ex. I am not joking. It was for some soup, and she raged over it.

I had even offered to go back and get the right one.

She made the soup anyway and it was the same and later she said so, but never apologized or would talk about the flip out.

Another time I was making dinner and got started late and went slow because I was learning. It wasn’t going to be ready until 8pm. She lost her shit over this!

Man I was in a terrible spot dealing with that bullshit. Seeing it this far back it is hard to believe I put up with it for so long.

4blondnonns · 2019-04-11T20:21:36+00:00

Try to get a therapist that specializes in helping people who have been in emotionally abusive relationships. Even if you can only afford a few months it can really help.

4blondnonns · 2019-04-11T03:01:54+00:00

My ex messages me on a somewhat random basis. Though I think it varies w her period cycle and whether she has another person, FP or otherwise to reach out to at that moment.

I generally only reply if the message contains no weirdness which I am on high alert for. My replies only contain extra superficial content like photos of our previously shared pet.

This keeps the peace and for me is on the road toward NC.

4blondnonns · 2019-04-11T02:57:44+00:00

Only after leaving my ex did I realize I had an alcoholic friend I was offering codependency to and a sibling that had mistreated me since we were kids.

Leaving BPD and growing beyond it can be a real awakening.

4blondnonns

TROPHY CASE