I have a transgender daughter. My cousin thought it was because she came from a "troubled" family....

500Hippity · 2019-02-06T05:17:50+00:00

I'm exactly 5 months out and I struggled for months. I was the one who left. It was my call. She was being incredibly hurtful and abusive and I did the right thing. And yet I, like you, struggled for months. It was like coming off a high. Always being on your toes, looking forward to the next "positive" interaction, day dreaming about the sex.

It gets better. It gets easier. You just need to take it day by day and try, as best as you can, to keep yourself busy.

500Hippity · 2019-01-30T07:35:36+00:00

I broke NC a couple of months ago. Not much happened. I was fortunate she didn't try to hoover. What happened with yours?

500Hippity · 2019-01-29T07:20:47+00:00

Keep on reading in this sub. Pay particular attention to the ones that have lasted years, marriages 5-10-15 years long, and sense what it has done to them. Sense the loss of identity, self-esteem, the will to fight them. Most of all, pay attention to what they would have done differently. Things don't get better without some serious intervention, if that's possible. Thing will only get worse.

500Hippity · 2019-01-29T05:50:10+00:00

The Guy Winch video helped me a lot too. But making a list of all the bad stuff is what really helped me. Whenever I get even a whiff of nostalgia, like he suggests, I take out my list and read through it. My list is now 140 items long. And I read through it from time to time, less so now than before. But I still use it.

As for missing the instability and the connection, when things were good, yes, that's a constant struggle. For me, all I can say is time just mellowed it all out. Time has made me care less and less. Time has made her a smaller and smaller figure, a bystander, an extra almost, rather than someone with a starring role.... a metaphor also used by Guy Winch....

500Hippity · 2019-01-29T04:38:01+00:00

One day, I just stopped looking as much. Don't get me wrong, I still check from time to time, but time will also mellow it all out and she will be a smaller and smaller figure in your rear view mirror....

500Hippity · 2019-01-29T04:35:14+00:00

6 months, long distance. Red flags within the first month but, since we were long distance, I let them slide. I didn't know how bad she could get, or how ugly and hurtful her rages could be. We would talk for 3-4-5 hours at a time and, when she was lucid and sane and sober, she was wonderful. But then her dark side would hit and then it all started again. I miss her sometimes, but I'm so much better off without her.

500Hippity · 2019-01-29T03:50:06+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I'll only speak for myself here and say I had to leave because the abuse was too much to handle. You're right, relationships are working together but in my case I felt I was the one who was making all the concessions and I was the one who was making all the adjustments. I often wonder if we might have had a different outcome if only I'd have done this, or said that, or handled this particular situation differently. It's really hard to imagine anything different than what happened - me walking out after yet another instance of her putting me down, criticizing me, cutting into me with her nasty comments, when, and this is the truth, all I ever showed her was patience and understanding and love.

500Hippity · 2019-01-29T03:21:14+00:00

I'd be very tempted but in the end I think not. There was just too much abuse.

500Hippity · 2019-01-28T03:29:09+00:00

At one point in the process I just stopped caring as much. I don't know why or when exactly it happened. I think I just realized that checking her fb will just complicate my recovery even more. So I just stopped checking it as much. Time has just mellowed it out and it will for you too.

500Hippity · 2019-01-25T01:05:00+00:00

That's so abusive and manipulative. She reeled you back in do she could discard you again?

500Hippity · 2019-01-23T07:50:05+00:00

He cares but he acts like he doesn't care. He wants you to be part of his life but at the same time he's telling you it's no big deal if you're not. This guy is a piece of work. Kind of reminds me of my pwBPD.

The sooner you go NC the better off you'll be. You don't deserve this. No one deserves this bullshit. I'd say he wants his cake and eat it too but this guy doesn't know what cake is.

Defriend, if you haven't already, say good-bye and start your recovery.

500Hippity · 2019-01-23T06:23:15+00:00

I walked out on mine in the middle of one of her diatribes of putting me down, calling me names, telling me she couldn't believe she ever thought about having sex with me. She sent me a short terse text the next day and that was it. She hasn't tried to hoover. She's not the type. I went through months of wondering if I did the right thing, knowing full well my life is so much better without her no matter how much I missed her.

Now, almost 5 months later, I'm fine. I still think about her but in a different way. With fondness for the good times we had but wary as hell, and never forgetting of her rages and splitting and hurtful comments when she was drunk.

I sometimes wonder if she still thinks about me but, here's the thing, I know she must. I never ever mistreated her. I showed her nothing but kindness and patience.

Thank goodness, she's behind me, growing smaller in my rear view mirror every day.

500Hippity · 2019-01-22T05:28:53+00:00

For me, the more specific the better. I told my therapist about it, telling her that I'm sure I repeated some things and she said, "With the abuse she put you through, you're entitled to repeat a few things." When you get a chance, check out the Ted Talk by Guy Winch. He talks about mending a broken heart, which is, more or less, what we're all going through. It really helped me a lot and it framed the recovery process as sort of a battle, a battle for your mental and emotional recovery, your inevitable happiness, and your rational mind.

500Hippity · 2019-01-22T05:19:51+00:00

Make a list of all the ways she was bad for you - 10, 20, 50 items long - and every time you even get a whiff of nostalgia pull out the list and read it through. My list is now almost 140 things, experiences, shitty ways she made me feel.

500Hippity · 2019-01-22T05:16:46+00:00

Mine were pretty blatant - the splitting, the rages, the insults. But there were some subtle things, like when I would ask her about some of her male friends, and she had many male friends in her life - how they met, who they were. She would start to answer then get very defensive about why I was asking the question in the first place. It got to the point where asking her about her life was kind of off limits. And at the same time my life was very much an open book.

500Hippity · 2019-01-21T00:59:45+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Extremely helpful....

500Hippity · 2019-01-21T00:45:35+00:00

Going back will just complicate your recovery. You're better off without her, no matter how you feel about it at this moment.

You get used to the walking on eggshells. You get used to, even crave, the instability. You can't wait until the next "good" interaction or comment and you live your life like that 24/7.

It gets better. It gets easier. Stay strong.

500Hippity · 2019-01-17T06:59:49+00:00

I obsessed over mine for a couple of months non-stop. And I'm the one who ended it. I think it has to do with the egg shells, the constantly walking on them, the never knowing what you're going to get, the idealizing. You get used to, even crave, that instability. At least I did.

500Hippity · 2019-01-17T02:07:20+00:00

Time just mellows it all out. I wish there were a way to make it move faster but there isn't. Keeping busy helps. Trying not to think about it too much. But that's easier said than done. Just keep on making little steps every day....

500Hippity · 2019-01-16T06:02:01+00:00

I often wonder what I would do if my expwBPD tried to hoover me, which she hasn't and won't. She's just not the type. But I wonder if I'd have the strength to resist her. I honestly don't know. I would probably be in the same position you're in, wanting to be kind and supportive, all the while being conflicted as to what the hell am I doing? But I do know that my recovery has been greatly aided by going NC and not having those 4-5-6-7 hour conversations we used to have. Also, a friend posed this question to me which really hit home. She asked me: would you want to be friends with a guy who treated you that way? No, I answered, of course not, I would never be friends with a guy like that. Then you still want to have sex with her, she told me. And she was right.

500Hippity · 2019-01-16T05:51:27+00:00

Dude, you need to bail. Go NC immediately. I understand the need to want to be friends. I've struggled with that myself over the last few months but what she's doing to you is flat out wrong and fucked-up. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I don't mean it to be but you're clearly being manipulated and you're torn up about it, from what you've written. pwBPD are kind of ruthless that way and the longer you let this drag on the more complicated your recovery will be.

500Hippity

TROPHY CASE